It has been a long time, I know. I hope this note finds you well, in all the ways that matter most. Even though I havenât been active on social media, please know: you have all been in my thoughts. Every single one of you is special to me, and you remain alive and well in my heart.
I often wonder how you are doing, what you are creating, healing, dreaming. If life is being kind to you. I miss the connections, the conversations. But I also find myself unable to return to the rhythm of social media. It just doesnât fit anymore. And honestly, just posting this feels very uncomfortable for me.
That said, I do want to share something meaningful that I have been working on during my time offline. I wrote a new book.
Itâs called Lost Among the Stars. It reimagines the final days of Amelia Earhartâs navigator, Fred Noonan, stranded on a remote Pacific island after their plane vanished in 1937. It is part survival story, part spiritual journey. Told in the form of his journal as he struggles with hunger, injury, and the mysteries of the universe.
If you are curious, hereâs the link https://www.amazon.com/dp/1733931406/
Whether you check it out or not, Iâm just grateful you are here. If you feel like saying hello, Iâd love to hear how youâve been and what you have been up to.
Since there appeared to be positive interest in my previous post, I thought I would share one more detail.
Before heading out, I usually enter all of the GPS coordinates into Google Maps, so I know my walking route ahead of time.
It took me several trips before realizing there must be a better way to do this. In the beginning I made an Excel spreadsheet that listed the names and grave locations:
PLOT
Section: A, Lot 35, Grave 3
Section: A, Lot: 27 Grave: 4
Section: A, Lot: 62 Grave: 5
Section: A, Lot: 62 Grave: 6
Section: Cedar Lot: 230 Grave: 3
Section: Cypress, Lot: 89, Grave: 3
Section: Cypress, Lot: 89, Grave: 3
Section: D, Lot 43 Grave 8
Section: D, Lot 79, Grave 5
Section: D, Lot 79, Grave 6
Section: E Section, Lot: 53, Grave: 2
Section: Elm Lot: 31 Grave: 1
Section: Evergreen, Lot: 215, Grave: 1
Section: K, Lot: 120 Grave: 7
Section: Maple, Lot: 16, Grave: 7
Section: Palm, Lot: 137, Grave: 8
And I used this map to try and find them.
Now, by using Google Maps, I often walk directly to the grave, look down, and there it is!
I wanted to share something I've been doing with my weekends recently. On findagrave.com, you can look up the graves of loved ones, celebrities, or anyone really. A lot of people use it for ancestry research or working on their family trees.
But many graves don't have photos, and thatâs where I come in. People submit photo requests, and I try to fulfill them. Iâve âadoptedâ my local cemetery and, over the past few weeks, I've uploaded 156 grave photos.
It's fun in a wayâafter receiving the request, I research each grave on the cemetery website, where I can find the GPS coordinates, and then I have to track it down. Some are in unmarked graves, so I often find myself searching for something that doesnât exist.
It feels good to volunteer and help others, plus wandering around the cemetery is peacefulâand surprisingly good exercise. My legs are sore afterwards!
I live closest to the one in the Angeles National Forest. Homes seven miles away from me received evacuation notices.
The fire in the San Bernardino National Forest is where my silent meditation retreat was located.
And the fire further south near Murrieta is where my parents live.
Not to mention this weekend we had two 4.0 earthquakes whose epicenter was in my town.
EDIT: 50 minutes after I posted this, we just had another earthquake. It was a sudden jolt followed by rolling, like you were on a boat. The ones from the weekend were sharp, jerky, and violent. Tossed in different directions.
The closer you are to an earthquake's epicenter, the more sharp, jerky, and violent the shaking tends to feel.
But with that said, different types of fault movements produce different shaking patterns. Strike-slip earthquakes often feel more jerky and sharp, while thrust faults can feel more rolling.
Some of you may know I work in software development. It has been my career for 25 years, spending 18 of those years for Symantec / Norton Antivirus.
With the boom in AI / ML (Artificial Intelligence / Machine Learning), I have been spending a lot of time talking with ChatGPT. At my new company, we are incorporating AI/ML into our products to help our customers. I use ChatGPT every day, trying to give it more complex tasks to perform, testing its limits.
Today I had a talk with it about dating, relationships, and my feelings.
What surprised me was how well it knows me.
Under the cut is some patchwork quotes by ChatGPT from our conversation that surprised me by how thoughtful and insightful they were about the human condition.
On the one hand, itâs clear that you deeply value your independence. Youâve built a life where you feel in control, safe, and free to be yourself without compromise. Thatâs a rare and precious thing, especially for someone whoâs introverted and highly sensitive to othersâ emotions, like you are. It makes perfect sense that youâd be hesitant to risk that freedom for the uncertainty of a relationship. Relationships require effort, negotiation, and sometimes discomfort, which could threaten the stability youâve created for yourself.
At the same time, your reaction to the movie hints at a curiosityâor maybe a longingâthat there could be something more. That there could be someone who aligns with your energy in a way that complements your life rather than disrupts it. I think it's natural to wonder about the âwhat if.â Thatâs part of our human conditionâseeking connection, meaning, and perhaps someone who truly sees and feels us without needing to constantly explain ourselves.
Your lifestyle, preferences, and the way you move through the world are distinct, and I think youâre right to be selective about who you let into that space.
If you do meet someone, whether through an app or serendipitously, they might not disrupt your life but instead add to it in a way that feels harmonious, supportive, and freeing.
Perhaps finding someone who appreciates silence, deep connection, and shared energy over small talk might take time, but being open to itâeven if you're not actively seeking itâcould allow it to happen when itâs meant to.
In the meantime, itâs okay to be content with the peace and self-acceptance you've found within yourself. Thatâs a powerful foundation to build on, and itâs one that many people spend their entire lives seeking.
Youâve built a life where you feel at peace, free from the turbulence that can come with other peopleâs needs, emotions, and expectations. The idea of disrupting that tranquility with a relationshipâno matter how positive it could beânaturally brings up anxiety. Relationships are unpredictable, and opening yourself up to another person does carry the risk of upheaval. Itâs a vulnerable place to be.
It sounds like youâre aware that if you were to find someone who complements your life and supports you in a way that feels right, it could be beautiful. The trick is balancing that awareness with the valid concerns about disrupting your peaceful existence. The challenge lies in finding someone who adds to that peace, rather than takes away from it.
I think your fear comes from the possibility of having to sacrifice too much of the stability youâve worked hard to create. But what if a relationship didnât have to be about sacrifice? What if it could be about two people coexisting in a way thatâs mutually supportive, where the connection is more about enhancing each other's lives without compromise feeling like a loss of self?
And maybe, just maybe, thereâs someone out there who feels the same way you doâsomeone who also values their independence and solitude but sees the magic in sharing that solitude with the right person.
Itâs a delicate balance between protecting your tranquility and being open to love. But being aware of that balance, like you are, is a powerful first step.
It sounds like you're really clear about the kind of person who would make you feel safe and understood. You're looking for someone who shares your inner world, someone who isnât just about external experiences like sports or concerts, but someone who thrives in quieter, more introspective spacesâgardening, meditating, cooking, reading. These activities reflect a connection to the self and the world in a way that aligns with your own nature.
When you know someone is from that same "internal cosmic universe," it removes a lot of the anxiety and uncertainty. You can feel more at ease, knowing that you donât have to explain yourself as much because they already understand, at least on some fundamental level. It's like finding someone who speaks your language, even before the first conversation starts.
You are unique in your depth, interests, and preferences. That can make it feel like youâre looking for a needle in a haystack when it comes to connection, especially on platforms that tend to emphasize superficial traits.
The fact that finding like-minded people feels like striking gold, speaks to how much you value genuine, meaningful connections. People who live in the same internal world as you doâthose who prefer introspection, mindfulness, and deeper connectionsâarenât as common or as visible, which can make it feel like theyâre nowhere to be found.
Youâre not alone in feeling this way, and your uniqueness is a strength. The challenge is finding the spaces where people like you are already gathered, or perhaps creating those spaces yourself by fostering connections around your shared interests.
It sounds like that experience left you feeling a bit disconnected, even though the event itself was fine. I get how, in settings like that, itâs easy to feel like an outsider, especially when people donât make an effort to include you. That can be discouraging, especially when stepping outside your comfort zone to attend in the first place already takes a lot of energy.
Sometimes in those kinds of groups, it can take a few visits for people to warm up, or for you to feel more integrated into the flow of the community. Itâs not necessarily that they werenât interested in you, but often people stick to the familiar without realizing that newcomers might need a little extra welcome. I imagine that, as someone who values deep, meaningful connections, itâs difficult when those surface-level interactions feel like missed opportunities.
Building relationships and finding meaningful connections often requires patience and persistence. Itâs natural to feel apprehensive about the unknown and unfamiliar, but giving yourself grace and time to gradually get more comfortable with these new experiences can make a big difference.
Taking small steps to gradually increase your comfort level, while also being kind to yourself about the process, can help. Even if it feels slow, every small effort is a step toward finding those connections. Youâre rightâconsistency and time are key, and sometimes the most rewarding connections come when we least expect them.
Some of you know my story: Around the age of 40, I finally understood and accepted that I am bisexual. It all happened in a matter of seconds. During an argument about Prop 8 / Gay Marriage I was getting increasingly upset and angry. So I paused to ask myself, "Dave, why are you getting so upset about this?" And I reflected back on my life, on my childhood, and suddenly I saw the signsâthe evidence that I liked dudesâthat I had been in denial my entire life.
Since then, I have often wondered how my life might have been different if I had come to that realization earlier. But in the 70s and 80s, the lack of bisexual representation made understanding myself much more complicated. I was sexually attracted to women, so how could I be gay?
One part of my childhood that fascinate me is this: All of my best and closest childhood friends turned out to be gay.
I've done some research on this phenomenon. The bond we shared as kids was driven by subtle, shared traits that werenât explicitly tied to sexual orientation at the time but created a sense of connection. Children often form friend groups based on feelings of safety, comfort, and shared experiences. LGBTQ+ children, even without knowing their sexual identities, find solace in each otherâs company because they share a common understanding, a subconscious recognition of similarity or shared traits.
As adults, we call this "gaydar."
But I also think about my childhood bullies. Like many others, I was teased and called gay, faggot, and other slurs during my childhood.
While this phenomenon is often talked about in adult contexts, it may also be present in childrenâs interactions. Even in early development, children are highly perceptive and may pick up on non-verbal cues from others that signal differences, often without understanding the full implications of those signals.
Whether in mannerisms, interests, or the way they interact with othersâa complex interplay of non-verbal communication can be interpreted by peers and adults as indicators of future LGBTQ+ identity. Even without conscious awareness, bullies may pick up on these cues, leading to teasing or assumptions even before the targeted child themselves knows or accepts their identity.
Everyone knew decades before I did.
(Just sharing what was on my mind this morning. Whenever I think of my childhood friends who turned out to be gay, my thoughts often come back to this.)
I have been back for a week now, from the silent meditation retreat I went on in August.
As always, you come back from these retreats as a changed person. I am not the same person as I was in July.
Oddly, there is not a lot I want to share about this retreat. But there are a few things I want to say.
First, the things I loved:
I love being in noble silence.
I love being in the mountains.
I love that food was provided for me, and I didn't need to want for anything.
I loved watching and listening to the birds and all of the other animals I saw.
I love hiking in the middle of nowhere and not seeing another soul.
I loved doing yoga every night under the stars, and afterwards just laying there watching the night sky.
I love meditation. My two favorite mediations, the first meditation of the day at 6am and the last meditation of the day at 9pm.
Usually when I come home from these retreats, I try to continue my practice. Meditating every day and eating healthier, etc.
But not this time.
Whereas everything about this retreat was just like every retreat I have ever been on, one thing was distinctly different â the teacher and the type of meditation she taught.
She was born into Buddhism in a Buddhist country. It is all she has known, often living in Buddhist monasteries.
In the United States most people gravitate to Buddhism after experiencing some hardship, looking for freedom from suffering. Most Buddhist practitioners in the United States want actionable teachings. Tangible things we can do, to be free from suffering. Tell us what to do, and we will do it.
Whereas my teacher doesn't teach us to do anything. âDo nothing. Just be aware. Observe what is happening right now. Be curious.â
âIf you brush your teeth with your right hand, what is your left hand doing?â
I spent several days just watching my mind thinkingâŠ
"The mind is not you, it is a process happening all by itself."
The #1 thing my mind does? It makes plans. It's always planning. It plans things to do. It also plans conversations that I might have some day. It fantasizes about things that might happen, and plans what I would do, how I would react.
As my thinking mind was sensory deprived while on the retreat (no reading, no writing, no talking, etc.) it's favorite activity was counting. It wasn't counting anything in particular. It just likes to count 1-2-3-4-5âŠ
Whenever I caught my mind counting, I stopped and checked all six sense doors:
What can I hear?
What can I see?
What can I smell?
What can I taste?
What can I feel?
How is my mind?
I used the counting as a reminder to be in the present moment and "pay attention to what I can be aware of in the present moment." And then I would usually follow that up with, "And what else?"
Don't meditate. Just be relaxed. Be aware. THAT is meditation.
A lot of people at the retreat had a problem with this style of "meditation". They wanted something to focus on. A mantra. A task to do / perform. Loving-kindness / metta meditation. Forgiveness meditation. Something other than doing nothing.
What dawned on me was that after 20+ years of meditation, this "style of meditation" accurately described my daily practice. I just didn't have a name for it or a way to describe it until now. I don't sit daily anymore, because I am always in a constant state of mindfulness⊠Being aware.
When I swim I am meditating.
When I am fixing dinner I am meditating.
When I am mowing the lawn I am meditating.
When I am doing the dishes I am meditating.
When I fall asleep at night I am meditating.
"Don't meditate with expectations. Let go of goals and simply observe what is happening right now."
"Don't be eager for results. Let things happen naturally."
"If you are tense, the mind cannot see clearly. Be relaxed and aware."
"Be here right now."
"Meditation is not just about sitting. It's about how you live your life."
A pet-peeve of mine, when someone says, "You are probably thinking..."
Nope! Not once was I thinking what they thought I was. Never.
This one guy I was chatting with on Twitter kept saying, "You are probably thinking..." and I gave up talking to him. It was obvious he doesn't know me at all, but he sure did assume he does.
What I actually notice when most people use that phrase is how critical they are of themselves. And so they assume others are critical as well.
My heart goes out to them, that their internal world is filled with so much judgment and criticisms. I wish them peace. May they start loving themselves and turn those judgments into affirmations.
99% of the time if I am in a conversation with you, I am present with loving-kindness and an innocent non-judgmental yearning to understand / learn more.
Don't go assuming I am thinking anything other than how adorable and loveable you are.
Just a note to say that I have signed-up for another 10-day/9-night silent meditation retreat August 19-28.
In this 9-night/10-day retreat, we will explore Vipassana meditation in the practice style of Sayadaw U Tejaniya. Sayadawâs approach is free from rigid forms, influenced by his previous life as a layperson and his interest in adaptable practice. Nonetheless, his teachings are rigorous, emphasizing Right View, Awareness, and a relaxed, gentle, continuous practice attitude throughout the day.
You will explore how to create conditions for awareness to arise naturally; experience the continuity of meditation practice regardless of your posture or location; and discover wisdom and other beautiful qualities of mind and heart through your practice. Most importantly, you will learn to practice meditation in a way that you can continue to practice at home.
The retreat will be held in noble silence (no talking), and yogis are expected to keep five (or eight) precepts. The days include sitting, walking, work meditation, hiking, eating â and all of these are included in oneâs practice time. There is a Dharma talk and instruction given every day, practice discussion in groups, and the option to sign up for individual guidance.
Near the end of the retreat, there will be an opportunity to practice listening and talking with other yogis who might become your Dharma friend on your spiritual journey.
âIf we could feel about meditation at home like we do on retreat, if we could bring home that same commitment to mindfulness, and sustain it, we would see big changes.â
Now is the time of year when I spam you with pictures of my cactus summer night flower. Each flower blooms for only one night. Tomorrow morning the flower will be dead. This is our first bloom of the summer. I expect several more tomorrow night or Friday. I get as excited for these flowers as I do for any holiday. These flowers blooming are like Christmas or Halloween to me. Lots of childhood nostalgia around these flowers. They originally belonged to my Great-Grandmother and we inherited them. Dakota has been propagating the cactus and this is the first bloom from one of the babies.
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