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Deshilachando mis pensamientos sin nada que decir .

[datelessdevotion]

October 17. Cartagena

Hey, It’s almost 9 am here in Cartagena and I am sitting here thinking about all the ways things have changed, I thought we’d be here together and we are not. Somehow that’s fine, somehow knowing that I probably wouldn’t be able to trust you again leaves me with no option but accepting it is just the way that things are now. At the same time, it is difficult to feel like there is someone who will be there in the way that you were. I always knew you were not expendable in that way, the way I opened up to you is something I still fear doing with anyone else. I was honest and open, even if just confused and young and foolish and that sometimes caused me to close off, to put my walls up and push you away. I haven’t been able to feel like I can share myself in the way that I did to you. At the same time, I know that we are simply fundamentally different people and our differences don’t make either of us bad people, simply incompatible. Sometimes I feel like I am living the scary reality of giving too much. It feels that way sometimes right now. I want a love like a flame, I think that’s how it feels like when I love someone. Giving that and not receiving the same back in return leaves me feeling cold. I am probably writing this because I listened to Tinashe for too long this morning. Gonna go for a walk now.

[datelessdevotion]

I must admit, your absence doesn’t feel like a burning searing hot coal anymore.  It doesn’t come in sharp twists and turns as it once did. Now, it is an open sore that I carry with me with tender care, it’s all-surrounding, almost like a weighted blanket that I carry everywhere. I feel it with me at all times, but it is an even and steady pain and sadness.  I wonder if I’ll ever be able to shed off this tarry cloak. 

[datelessdevotion]

Yearning and longing so brazen that it is all-consuming, cannibalistic almost.

Mourning the feelings of entropy and all the pointed fingers that covered your starry eyes.

I lose myself in the foam of the salty waves, hoping to wash up ashore to you.

[datelessdevotion]

You’re lucky if you were truly able to forget, because I can’t forget. The demons you left behind hold up knives to my neck everyday, since the moment I wake up until the moment I collapse from exhaustion. I haven’t slept in months. I feel myself disappearing from my own body. I wish I would just fade away.

[datelessdevotion]

Es una muerte lenta.

Me diste cuchilladas y te paraste al lado mío a verme desangrar. Meses y meses pasaron y sigo desangrandome.

Regresaste a acuchillarme en intervalos.

[datelessdevotion]

Que rico que es que la otra persona te perdone cuando tú no estas dispuestx a hacer lo mismo. Así es muy fácil. Tal vez ese ha sido mi error. La pendeja no fuiste tú.

[datelessdevotion]

RE: Return to Sender

I’m glad kissing and fucking has helped you heal. It has done the complete opposite for me because you kissing and fucking is exactly what killed me. Kissing and fucking the complete opposite of me -- filling the void which I could never fill for you -- all at my expense, as you like to say to me; this phrase, of course, only applicable to my mistakes and never yours. I have lived a thousand deaths over and over again. Kissing and fucking exacerbates the exit wounds your cuchillazos left. 

I kiss and I fuck and the void in my chest grows gaping, it oozes out black tar constantly. Constantly being told what a good fuck I am, constantly being told what a good body I have -- all of these expendable to me, they feed the wound and it grows larger, darker, angrier. I was expendable to you as well; you will never admit this because it is easier to blame me for your actions to comfort yourself about your act of murder. 

Kissing and fucking brings me the opposite of solace, kissing and fucking has left me angrier and hollow inside. Kissing and fucking has made me doubt the very fiber which my body is made from. Kissing and fucking are the actions you decided to take against me in order to get even at me. I want to crawl out of my own skin and burn it. Hang it up to dry like leather. Wax it with the thick, viscous tar that leaks out of me. I see myself disappearing everyday, I slip out of my clothes to fill the void, I slip out of my clothes because they no longer fit. The hole in my chest grows, and my skin clings to my bones tightly. I was born into the wrong bones. Gender is a fucking farce, you’re a fucking farce too.

You speak of all my wrongs, but you forget everything that you also did. “It’s easier to point fingers outwards than to point them at yourself” you say, but talk is cheap. Your actions speak loudest.

[datelessdevotion]

Y justo así, terminamos en el mismo lugar en el que comenzamos.

[datelessdevotion]

I think about you telling me how handsome you think I am, I think about watching you get ready, I think about you kissing the birthmark on my chin and telling me it’s your favorite one, I think about napping in Bayfront park in broad daylight, I think about us pretending we lived in Brickell together, I think about singing along to Go Slow in room for hours, I think about us napping together after going to the beach, I think about us applying to college, I think about when I fell in Pembroke Pines, I think about the busted elevator in 1687 Comm Ave, I think about you telling me every meal I made you was the best one yet, I think about you yelling at me when I spaced out during Game of Thrones, I think about me yelling at you when you spaced out during an overrated cult-cinema hit, I think about us going to the corner store in the middle of a snowstorm to get Cheetos and sometimes wine, I think about taking the Greyhound to New York together to get tattoos, I think about the photos we took at Babalú and eating gummy bears for dinner when we were stranded in BFE, I think about us in Rue Oberkampf pretending to be locals and you eating an alarming amount of baguettes, I think about getting lost in Mont Royale at sunset, I think about us trying to hold each other even when it was 92 degrees in our apartment, I think about fighting about who’d be little spoon when it was 50 degrees in our apartment, I think about not recognizing eachother after cutting our hair short, I think about going to Juli’s and swearing we’d never bring a gringo there, I think about getting our afternoon coffee when we had nothing else to do but wanted to keep hanging out, I think about our impromptu lunch dates, I think about pretending I had food poisoning to go fly up to see you, I think about how in love we both felt at Dali, I think about crying at the recipe book you made for me, I think about how I believed we understood eachother at Soya before we went stargazing, I think about how we met so many iterations of one another in the past couple of years and how all of those were sacred to me in different ways, I think about how I feel like I idealized all of it.

[datelessdevotion]

3.31

The day in which nothing would ever be the same again.

[datelessdevotion]

Lo que más duele es imaginarme que en algún momento me quisiste y me amaste más que ahora.

[datelessdevotion]

Me mataste después de 4.5 años. Me clavaste una navaja.

No se sintió como si debería celebrar nada. No quería pretender querer celebrar tampoco. Solo me has traído dolor los últimos días. Nada excepto dolor, y mares de lagrimas.

4.5 años fue todo lo que tomo para que me destruyas. Porque continuar fínjando que no me destruiste?

Me mataste con tus palabras acuchilladas

Did you expect imputiny?

[datelessdevotion]

A burden I can’t carry

[datelessdevotion]

Te doy la mano, y tomas el brazo

Me cortas por la mitad con tu navaja

Pero encontramos lados no parejos

Con cabezas hechas de éter

Y un sentimiento en mi pecho

Tan pesado que nunca podría flotar

Escondidos en las profundidades

más oscuras del mar, residen

Los escombros de mis recuerdos,

El brillo tardío de las estrellas fugazes,

Y todas las palabras que quisiera tener

[datelessdevotion]

Seeing a spacecraft whose

Windows reflect two moons

I drive by

[datelessdevotion]

Dreaming you dive into my arms

I sing your name into the sea

Waiting for your call

[datelessdevotion]

Double vision

Looking at the sun through linen

You seep through, seemingly unobstructed