he asks her to run away with him on a december evening, a few days after their birthdays. tells her that they can get away from all of this, begs her to meet him at the airport, begs her not to say no. he doesn’t want to live just to die, he wants to be with her. she takes a drink straight from the wine bottle and says she can’t, says they have to fight the condescension together. that’s how it’s supposed to go, she says, we’re born to die. we were born to live, and die.
he pins her to the wall and sobs into her neck because he can’t do this, he can’t flit through life like it’s a secret, like she’s striking a lighter just to set his cigarette to flames. he doesn’t smoke anymore, but she still drinks, and she tastes like wine, her entire body tastes like wine, and he holds her against the wall and she holds him back. she doesn’t say a word until they’re on her bed, and his knee’s between her legs, and she tells him she’s sorry.
he begs her to change her mind, but she says she can’t, says it’s too late for that. we could just go, he says, and she laughs bitterly into his mouth, paints her answer across his skin with her fingertips and it feels like light, it feels like sunshine, it feels yellow. he drinks her in like the wine she buys, like she’s something expensive, something to behold. it’s a no from me, she says, and he pushes her into the blankets, holds her down, tries to make her change her mind in the only way he knows how to communicate without words. she doesn’t say no to that.
i love you, he says, right onto her ear, his breath hot, words panted out, and she laughs, sharp and harsh, and wraps an arm around him, uses his tie to pull him flush against her. i know, she says. i’m sorry, she says. i wish we could, she says. i wish we could, she says. i’m so sorry. he tells her that he knew she was trouble from the moment he saw her, and she laughs into his ear and says, ditto, her words sprawled out across the sheets like her legs and hands, like his hands pressed into hers, fingers intertwined.
she wishes she could say yes. she really does.
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