I can’t believe you are gone. I can’t believe I will never hear your voice again, I can’t believe this is real. You were my best friend in the world. I am so hurt, and so angry at the same time. I don’t know how to feel. I wish I could’ve saved you. I would’ve done anything to be able to save you... You saved me, you helped me stop cutting, you helped me not kill myself, you helped me when i had a pill problem, but i couldn’t help you. I thought i was always there for you, I thought you could talk to me about anything. I guess I thought wrong. You could’ve come to me, could have told me you were struggling again. Ive never judged you nor you me. You swore to me you were sober. You swore to me this wouldn’t happen. You told me you wouldn’t end up with John & Arielle & Amanda. And now thats exactly where you are. We had so many talks about this day, how it would never happen, and it did. We said we would be friends forever, we said till the day we die, we said we would live forever. Now you are dead and I am dead inside. I don’t know how to go on. I don’t know what to do. I’m so angry at you for doing it in the first place, for lying to me about it, for talking to me the same day, for being gone. I’m angry at myself. I should’ve known, I should’ve asked. I should’ve done so many things different. But I didn’t and now you’re gone. I feel like a piece of me is missing, i feel like a piece of me died with you. You were there for more than half my life, now you are gone. I will never hear you laugh at my jokes, I will never hear you say my name. I don’t know how i will go on, knowing, i will never see your smiling face again. You will never call me and say BAE GUESS WHAT I JUST DID, and proceed to tell me about another scandalous adventure you had, i promise, I will take your secrets to my grave, as you have mine. You know me better than anybody else. I love you more than I love myself. or anybody. I would’ve died for you, now i will continue to live for you. I will never forget any of our memories, i will never forget the sound of your voice. All i know is i will always miss you, always think of you, and you will always be a part of me. I know that I may be walking the road of life without you being alive to be there. But I know you are watching. I know you are experiencing everything with me. Just because you wont be at my wedding as my maid of honor, doesn’t mean you wont be there. You will be walking beside me the entire way. You will be with me forever and always. What breaks my heart the most is the fact you were alone. You died alone. Did you suffer? Why didnt you call me. Why couldn’t i help you. I’m sorry. So fucking sorry...
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