In defense of DDLG...
So, I’m a twenty years old adult women attending a rigorous University and who studies revolve around Feminist and Queer Theory, Sexuality studies, Consent education, literature and folklore –and some other fun stuff. And… I’m a little who identifies as things like “princess” or “babygirl” and part of my current relationship is that my partner is also my “daddy.”
I will admit DDLG plays on paradigms of power exchange that are rooted in some historically sexist ideas. I’m sorry, that’s the way it is. You know what else is based on historically sexist ideas? Most love story arcs we see in movies today, pink razors and the idea that the guy pays on the first date. This is the world we’re living in. This is all also horribly heteronormative, but this is the world we’re dealing with.
As a pansexual/queer woman, as a teen I did NOT see myself taking any interest in the power play that I am now. It seemed inherently bad, like why as a young feminist would I want a man to spank me over his knee and treat me like a baby who couldn’t function as a full adult?
Turns out, because DDLG is in fact, not exactly that. When practiced correctly, (wince, I know, everyone’s relationship is different and right for them) DDLG or any CG/L or D/S dynamic is based around respect, consent and communication. My partner sees me as and treats me as the full adult I am, an adult who happens to enjoy regression and finds comfort and relaxing in being a little. This is FUN for me, I’m fighting for respect and holding sexist narratives and people accountable every day in the sunlight, me time is me time and I can spend it however I want to make me happy –and doing so makes me a better feminist for claiming my own happiness and agency. [Side bar: If you’re with someone who refuses to treat you like an adult or respect you when negotiating outside of littlespace, GTFO]
I’ve been practicing BDSM for about… five years now, using power play in various relationships, casual to serious –and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS communication and consent has been key. I also try to make sure myself and others are well researched on the area to avoid potential pitfalls (i.e. sub or dom drops, etc.)
I also am a switch in terms of BDSM dynamics… which adds another layer to my point that me and my relationship are kind of living proof that DDLG isn’t a bunch of mindless women who want to go back to the 1950s. We don’t. I don’t at least, many of us don’t? I can’t speak for everyone.
But I’m a queer, pansexual, poly switch –who just HAPPENS to be in a relationship with a man, HAPPENS to be monogamous currently with this partner, and HAPPENS to be taking a mostly submissive role in our play –although my dom comes out for sure, and also is a little who likes interacting with my partner as my big.
In our relationship power is actually shared quite equally, unless we’re entering a specific big/little space (even then I’m so spoiled honestly I still have a lotta power) or a D/S kinda play scene. DDLG is also just kind of the most obvious big/little combination to the heteronormative world at large. MD/LG is a thing, MD/LB is a thing, DD/LB is a thing… DDLG is just what the general (vanilla) public at large are most aware of.
I’ve got into a few dicey conversations where me and my partner’s big/little side of our relationship is “out of the closet” (to a point) and people react quite negatively or with confusion. It’s frustrating that people can’t seem to reconcile in their heads that I’m a fierce academic and queer feminist –and I want to be choked and spanked and say “Daddy please can I come?” when I have sex with my partner (Some of the time, we have all kinds of sex, but I digress…).
Sorry for the rant, but if anyone else is frustrated or having difficulty articulating their thoughts about this I wanted to share and commiserate because I haven’t come across anything written about this… Take care of yourselves~<3
Preach.
