Ingredients of My Life

Reserved but Sociable. Quiet but Complex. Morose but In High Spirits. Hopeless but Lucky. Open-Minded but Judgemental. Imaginative but Untalented. Strong but easy-going. Smart but Slow. Ambitious but Content. Messy but Organized. Short Tempered, Frenly, Quiet but when I'm comfy with u, i talk alot.

[ddarwen]

The Man You Chose to Be

You’re no different from the ones who borrow,

Swear they’ll pay it back,

Then vanish the moment responsibility knocks.

You’re no different from the ones who talk big,

Make promises with a straight face,

And then crumble the second those promises require effort.

You’re not different from the men who preach discipline,

Who point out everyone else’s flaws,

Who demand change from others

While refusing to confront the rot in their own reflection.

The broken promises.

The sweet words with hollow centers

The inconsistency you dress up as “trying”.

Is this what you call being a man?

The running away.

The cold shoulder.

The silent treatment you use like a weapon.

Is this what you think leadership looks like?

You are no different from the rest of us —

But your arrogance insists you’re above us.

Your ego whispers that you’re exceptional,

When all you’ve proven

Is that you’re exceptionally good

At disappearing when it matters most.

- Fidz

20 May 2026

[ddarwen]

Not Enough

Am I not enough —

For you to stay to witness my becoming?

Or was I only enough

To watch from a safe distance,

To pat me on the head

Before disappearing.

Am I not enough —

For you to reach for me first,

Instead of waiting in the shadows,

Thrilled only when I chased you,

When my longing fed your pride.

Am I not enough —

When you made promises

That sounded like a future,

Encouraged me to study,

Lifted me with one hand

And struck me with the other.

Am I not enough —

When I stood beside you,

The quiet, understanding wife,

Carrying storms in silence

So you could pretend

Our world was calm.

Am I not enough —

When I bore every burden

While you spent your time elsewhere —

Even with the servant,

As if loyalty meant nothing

And devotion was disposable.

You once ask me

What part of me wasn’t enough.

But the truth is simple:

If I had ever been enough,

You wouldn’t have left me

Standing alone in the wreckage

Of everything I gave.

- Fidz

1 June 2026, 4am

[ddarwen]

The Promise that Ached

Love What is love? A spark you threw into my hands -- knowing it would scorch me long before it ever warmed me. Love What is love? A wildfire disguised as a whisper, a blaze that devours everything while you stand there watching, pretending you don't smell the smoke. Love What is love? A future I carved out of my own bones, while you sharpened your silence into something that could cut. You didn't just burn the dream -- you salted the ashes. Love What is love? A battlefield littered with your half-truths, your cowardice, your pretty little deceptions. How do you tear someone open and call it affection? How do you walk away clean while I'm left clawing through the ruins? How do you break a soul and still sleep at night? Fidz (23 May 2026)

[ddarwen]

Longing

As I sit upon the porch,

Facing the open sea,

The waves rise and fall against the shore,

And the sun drifts slowly toward the horizon.

A face drifts into my thoughts —

One I still long for,

One I wish were beside me now,

Sharing this quiet moment as we once did.

Lost in the tide of memory,

I search for where things shifted.

Was there someone else?

Or did your heart simply grow tired of mine?

So I sit here, thinking,

Unsure whether to hold on

Or gently step back

Even though you still carry my heart.

Again I sit on this porch,

Before the vast, breathing sea,

Watching the waves break and scatter

As the evening light softens.

Another face rises in my mind —

A face I miss so deeply

It sends an ache through my chest

And brings tears to my eyes.

I wish you were here

To share these moment with me

The way we once did,

Years ago, when everything felt simple.

Yet somewhere deep within,

I know you are here —

Not in body, but in spirit,

Your memory woven gently into the present.

- Fidz

(7 May 2026)

[ddarwen]

A Different Kind of Love

Life is too short to leave this unsaid, so I'll speak it plainly -- I loved you from the moment we met.

There were seasons when that love went quiet, buried under anger, softened by sadness, thinned by the ache of feeling left behind. But you returned, and in knowing you again -- not as a spark, but as a whole person -- my love found its way back too.

Not the breathless rush of the first time, not the dizzy, giddy kind of falling -- but something steadier, truer, grown from everything we've lived through.

A different kind of love, but no less real. - Fidz 26 Jan 2026 Monday

[ddarwen]

Cherry & Oak: A Smoky Little Adventure on Owen Road

After months — or maybe years — of bookmarking Cherry & Oak in my mental food diary,I finally made it happen — and let me tell you, it was worth the wait. Nestled at 95 Owen Road, this halal Asian Smokehouse is just a breezy 10-minutes walk from Farrer Park MRT. They’re open Tuesday - Sunday from 11 am to 10pm (closed Mondays), so plan your meat cravings accordingly!

Menu & Prices

Cherry & Oak serves up a hearty spread — appetizers, mains, sides, desserts, and some seriously tempting sharing platters. Prices are pretty reasonable for a smokehouse:

- Entrees & Salads : $8 - $24

- Mains : $14 -$68

- Desserts : $6 - $12

- Drinks : $3.50 - $60 (zero-alcohol bottles included)

I skipped the platters since I was flying solo, but if you’re rolling in with a crew, definitely check them out online.

🍽️ What I Ate

After much delicious deliberation, I went with the Flanken Ribs ($38) - USDA Prime, smoked and grilled with pepper and honey. The ribs were tasty, though I wished they were served warmer and had a dipping sauce to jazz things up. But here’s the twist: they came with a complimentary Nasi Lemak Bakar, and wow, that was the real MVP. Fragrant rice, smoky char, and sambal that had me wishing for a second helping. If you go, don’t sleep on the Nasi Lemak — it’s a must!

To balance the indulgence, I ordered the Grilled Brussels Sprouts ($14) — wood-fired chargrilled fresh brussels sprouts, grilled to perfection with a light seasoning of salt and pepper, the charred crispiness and bittersweet bite made them satisfying sidekick with a tinge of caramelised sugar taste.

Service & Vibe

The staff were warm and welcoming, promptly seating me by the window. Food took about 30 minutes in total, arriving in waves: sprouts first, then the Nasi Lemak, and finally the ribs. The pacing gave me time to savour each dish.

The space itself is relaxed and inviting, with indoor and outdoor seating. Families can gather around long tables, and solo diners like me can enjoy a cozy corner. It’s not too loud, not too dim — just right for a chill meal.

Final thoughts

Cherry & Oak is a solid pick for meat lovers, especially if you’re rolling deep and ready to tackle those platters. I’ve got my eye on the other rib options and maybe a dessert next time. If you’re craving smoky meats with a Southeast Asian twist, this spot’s got your name on it.

[ddarwen]

Growing up with my mum and seeing her how she would always reach out her hand to a fellow Muslimah to give Salam, in the many years even before she passed, I have done so myself - sometimes extending my hand (don’t really do much of this after I’ve been told off a couple of times due to COVID) for Salam but mostly a nod, a smile or just giving Salam to any Muslim and/or Muslimah I meet. Actually I do this to even non-Muslims. And now that mum has gone, this little gesture makes me think of her all the time and somehow also knowing she is with me.

However, today it wasn’t the thought of her that came to mind but instead it was the thought of one of my late uncles. I suddenly heard his voice telling me how I have always been the first one to ask him how he is with a smile every time we met back then. And he would tell me this every time, with that joy, and perhaps pride, in his voice of my greetings to him. Al-fatehah.

[ddarwen]

Heart has chosen

The heart has chosen you

It aches for you when you are not near

How can it be told

That it has to bear this distance from you.

Do you not know

How the heart has chosen you?

How it yearns for you?

How it screams out your name in this silence, this distance?

The heart has met others

Compared you to others

But yet, even knowing it can’t have you

It still chooses you.

In this silence

The heart beats your name

Knowing that no other

Would make it feel the same.

- Fidz

The heart has chosen you —

It aches when you’re not near.

How can it be made to bear

A love that can’t draw near?

Do you not feel it call your name,

Across this endless space?

It yearns for you in silence,

In every breath, your face.

The heart has met the world,

Compared, yet turned away —

For though it knows it can’t have you,

It still chooses you each day.

And in the hush of distance,

It beats your name alone,

For no one else could stir its pulse

The way you have known.

- Fidz

[ddarwen]

[ddarwen]

A Joke Without Laughter (edited version)

Never had I thought the day would come When you'd waltz back into my life again. I thought I knew what I wanted, So I chose to move on. Did i move too soon? It wasn't something to swoon- Yet here you are again, After a few moons. I told myself it was alright, That I'd pray and trust in Him, Yet fate, it seems, has played its trick- A test placed deep within. "What do you want?" He asks. Oh God, it's you whom I trust. Yet here I stand in quiet war, A heart that aches unjust. A man I love, yet cannot claim, A man I care for still - But will he be here when I fall? Or simply fade at will? A joke in hand, knowing it would come, The punchline lands, I stand so still. Yet laughter never finds its way - Just emptiness to fill. -Fidz

[ddarwen]

The Joke

Never had I thought the day would come Where you'd waltz back into my life again Thinking that I know what I want I decided to move on Did I decide to soon It wasn't something to swoon But you returned again After a few moons I told myself That it was alright I'll pray to Him Trust in Him to make it right A joke He must think it is For a test he put within What do you want, he asks Oh God, it's you whom I trust A situation I've put myself in Knowing this is not me Feeling stupid as I feel the pain Oh God, don't let this be A man I love Whom I cannot call mine A man I care I'm not sure if he'll even be there A joke in hand Knowing it would come The punchline has landed And now I feel numb A joke I cannot laugh Lacking the humour I cannot feel Once again I'm torn in half Will I ever heal? -Fidz *written on 4 May 2025

[ddarwen]

Counting Once More

I used to count the day we since last met, Marking time in quiet pain, Each sunset traces in faded steps, Each sunrise whispering your name I used to count the hours since we spoke Filling silence with the past, Till time erased the numbers whole, And I stopped counting - at last. Yet now you return, and once again, I find myself keeping score, Tracing moments, breath by breath, Will they last - this time - once more? -Fidz

[ddarwen]

Days Count

I used to count down the days we last met, I used to count down to the days we last spoke. Then I lost count of all of these days And I stopped counting it so. Knowing there is no point counting. And then you came back and I try to count again The moments we spend Will it last this time more than it did then? -Fidz *written 29 April 2025

[ddarwen]

The Ache

I miss you. Miss your voice. Miss your smile.

Miss the way you scoop me in your arms.

Miss the kisses. Miss the talks. Miss the texts.

Miss the dates. Miss the laughter and the giggles.

Miss your eyes. Miss praying together. (Though I see you all the time when I pray.)

Miss the closeness.

I don’t miss this draft between us.

Don’t miss this drift.

Don’t miss this change that seems to charge the air with.

With all these,

I can’t seem to stop thinking of you.

Or even stop wanting you.

In spite of trying to pull myself away from you.

- Fidz

[ddarwen]

Back Again

Finding myself being back

Back to being defensive

Back to putting bricks

To the wall that I’ve stopped putting up.

Things seemed so much calmer

When it was just you and I

Perhaps it was just a phase

Before reality hits the face

I knew what I was getting myself into

You didn’t have to point it out

I was ready to face it at my own terms

And now knowing it’s just the shell you really wanted

Suddenly I felt betrayed

Suddenly the world seems to be crashing down

Did I put it all in

Only to end up with a frown?

- Fidz

[ddarwen]

My Hell

The problem with me is that I am always considering how people would feel

Am always considering not to hurt them

And by doing so, I say the wrong things instead, hurting them nonetheless

That would leave me on the receiving end of betrayal, anger, and an engaged tone to indicate I’ve been hung up on or radio silence

Yet, for them, it’s ok to push the blame to me

Saying how it was me who planted the seed in their head

And not see my rational of flying across the continent for a wild goose chase

And leaving them there to sort things out is a good idea

Yet, for them, it’s ok to shout when they didn’t hear or listen intently and then interpret things differently in their head

And then pull back with not a single reply or text to a greeting

And say how miscommunication is a white elephant in the room

And how it’s always you or me but never us

Yet, for them, it’s ok for them to want to invade a sanctuary which I call mine,

To suit their needs without thinking of the consequences that I would face because of their desperate need to runaway

And hanging up the call just because I needed to think it all

And not accommodate their reasons of me getting on with my life

Yet, for me, all these plays in my mind

The deed, the words and the re-action

Re-playing the situation and possible ways that it could turn, be it positive or negative

The guilt sometimes washes over me with feelings so overwhelming

That it slowly devours me int a dark hell

Conflicting with my heart and my thoughts

Blaming myself, playing with countless what-ifs

And it would be days later where I would emerge seemingly strong

From this dark hole in the mine

Until another round of thoughts creeps along

But for everyone else, their lives just moves on as if they did nothing wrong

- Fidz

[ddarwen]

The Union

Unplanned dressed in blue

Today is the day I married you

Roses you brought

That says I love you

Prayers you made

Before you sat down

Nervous and shy

You held my hand

Encouragement and strength given

Recitations made and you accept

Forehead kisses and tight hugs with no hold barred

Deal of our love was sealed right there

Our first prayer we did together

A memory etch to last forever

No regrets, just pure joy

For now we are one, such blissful joy!

-Fidz