by.dxve

[ddavevid]

fxck-

im just a stupid dumbfuck, or whatever you call it who’s only seeking for a comfortable happy place to be in, to stay. it seems that ive tried too fucking hard for every single fucking thing. been fighting depression painfully every fucking day, ya’know those fuck shits that nobody actually fucking understands and give one fuck, and truth is that when the dark night falls it be the worst enemy of mine. fuck, i give in too easily. every damn night’s been fucking hard for me and im not jokingly saying that there are some nights that i can’t fucking sleep, for fuck sake who the fuck jokes about lame shits like that. i hate darkness, i fucking hate whatever that is to be controlled by darkness. which is why i always emphasize myself to show smileys and talk positive to every single one, but fuck am i exhausted as fuck. when it reaches the boiling point at times it just feels that one shot of a gun can just fucking end everything peacefully. i know that my mind is fucking playing games with me. i can’t fucking explain depression and expecting others to fucking comprehend my shit, yes i fucking know that. but i’ve been trying, mentally dying but trying to conquer every fuck shit. 

[ddavevid]

awkward hello to 2019

2018′s been helluva ride, all the ups and downs that had been gone through and shits. people, things. whatevs they all remain the same, the more you hope for good changes the more things wont change. i’ve just learnt that the only thing that needs to change in a positive way is me myself. for the past few months, things been freaking sped up like no tomorrow, literally. from the month of sep till dec, its like they passed so fucking quick you wont even notice day by day. and now we here, 2019. first of gotta thank God for all blessings and thankful for a brand new year. honestly, looking forward to it and hoping there be positive changes in certain aspects, not saying i’ll be doing nothing and just sit back enjoy but, me myself i gotta grind for it in order to achieve any shits that i’ve been seeking, that is what’s supposed to. welp, shits been lonely, im still alone, and like i truly hope they had a great time enjoying their countdowns and shits. i mean, tru that they dont hv a reason to put in effort to invite me or for me to join but i truly hope they enjoy themselves. last night was kind of a tiring night, slept early, ignored all msgs, woke up and jumped back to bed again. anyways, couldnt believe its 2019 already, i mean, a brand new year. a good thing, a good year, aint hoping for a good smooth start cuz things been rough lately but my desire for changes is always there. well i just, i hope that, things will get better ya’ know? truthfully, i did not achieve even till half of what i seek for in 2018, like forreal, things get hella rough and aint easy many times. not gotta go into it but, i hope 2019 will give me a chance for me to treat myself better, and better and better and this goes on forever. 

here’s to 2019, cheers.

[ddavevid]

不望过去就不再那么痛

嗯，2018就这么过了. 希望2019能对我好些 // 希望我自己能够对自己好些. 感觉2018年过得真心快, 尤其是在 9 至 12 月份的时候 不知不觉跨到来这了. 时不时都会有些小惧怕想说, 怎么那么快 要怎么面对 2019, 要保持怎样的心态还是什么的来买进2019. 唉, 老实说 年年都一样. 一样的这个那个 人 事物 一整年发生的 累积的 学到的. 想说就是 我觉得自己2018想完成的事情没有怎么的去实践也没怎样的达到. 觉得真的好敷衍过着日子, 想得到达到做到的事情都一一无法做到. 我不是想说要怎样证明自己所以才这样那样 而是真心想要自己有个目标，待人方面或是处人方面，尤其是态度方面的改善等等类似的方向去有所良好改变. 

好吧, 希望2019能够有个新的开始, 索然老的一句 次次都是一样 改变都是由自己来而不是身边的动摇. 但 嗯，2019求对我好些. 2018经历的 2019年让自己把坏处给磨炼好 锻炼自己的内心. 要坚强些, 嗯你行的. 还有什么要说的想写的 过后再表达吧. 记得 要对自己好 2019 才会给与机会让我更好. 谢谢上帝在2018的赐福，也感谢2019的到来.

[ddavevid]

w h y

i treat them back like how they first treated me, what’s wrong with that? getting hates and blames every damn time like what, you hated it? you hate me being like this to you? what the fuck, if so why are yall being like this in the first place? fuck being kind or good in general, yall selfish fucks never grateful nor appreciate the positives and fucking generate bad vibes only. like what have i done to deserve bullshit attitudes in return? i know theres times when im a fucktard in the sense of never care bout what i’ve spit, hurted someone mentally and all that jazz, but first thing i always do is realize ive been shit and change my shitty attitude, i know no one fucking wants to put up with bad/worse attitude/way of communicating with anyone. but how the fuck when i’m the one to be there for yall and without much thoughts burning me up? fucking hate being blamed or thrown hates at. prolly bcuz i’ve been that kind of person in the past and now its all shown to me how ive been treating others all the while but, for fuck sake, i’ve had enough. every fucking minute they be acting like they are annoyed when i show them how they treated me, even i’m annoyed by myself doing so. oh shit, pls just stop with all the bad vibes for me, if i’ve done anything bad/mistakes/corrections i apologzie, i’m fucking sorry. no one wants to be treated in such ways, especially in the first place. we’re all humans, for fuck sake. who aint hurted before? you dont hafta fucking influence others in a fucking negative way to show that “HEY, LOOK, I’M IN PAIN HERE, I’M GONNA FUCK YOU UP TOO”, c’mon. please. till this day, ppl ‘round me still wont appreciate even a single shit, and they just fucking use you, till no limits. like you’re born to be used by them, man fuck y’all selfish muhfucks. they aint care bout you, your feelings, nor your vibes. they aint even know or realize that they’ve fucking ruin your mood, your day, whatsoever. not in the sense that they think you are weak but like you’re fucking useful, like you can fucking solve every shit. they choose the easy way out. when they’re desperately in need, they rather put themselves in the place of lowest of the low. fuck sake, please love yourself.

-dydiary- 

[ddavevid]

dead roses

memories. fucking sappy love memories. shits like that been haunting me for such a long time and i thought it be just part of the process of forgetting, but boyyyy heck i was wrong. i mean, what the actual fuck? i’ve been trying to forget, i really do. like i’ve been doing my very best to not think about all the hurts and pains, like its been fucking years but shits still fucking me up. i know it sounds weird saying “i try my best” yada yada and that i’m literally not trying but trust me, i really am. who wouldn’t want to delete shitty memories from their minds?

nowadays -casually, i saw her at college (accidentally). like not once or twice but its been a number of times till now, and its always been awkward. i fucking hate it when we eye-contacted each other during the least expected times, feels like things are all happening on purpose. knowing she has a boyfriend now, makes me feel like a loser. i mean, not in the sense of me not having a girlfriend or whatever but like… i feel fucking unfair, for a lotta things.

and, i’ll always-

cold-hearted; closest strangers //  cruel_

deadrosespart1

[ddavevid]

xx pt.1

我不懂了 我觉得待人好累, 换来的成果往往都对我好不公平;  很多时候想说 他们到底哪里来的运气怎么总是那么稳. 我不知改怎么把一切给一一诠释出来 因为实在是太多了, 我也害怕若就算说了出来 对方会反感, 就连自己也觉得总是在散发负能量而已. // 我不是不要说或者分享, 而是不想把气氛搞得黑暗, 次次都是自己的负面引起了他人的不快乐 我也觉得自己没有资格害到任何人为我心情有着不好的转变. // 很多时候我自己一个人想, 我身边的每一位 到底是要我怎样? 我也责问自己究竟想怎样? 我付出了那么多, 好心用在对的地方 需要帮忙的我即刻到, 反来变成了利用, 甚至要把自己"改变"成不自己. // 很不习惯这样的我, 刻意不要给与珍惜于待人方面处事方面也好, 一直憋着把真实的自己给硬压得感觉 真的真的好辛苦. 我想说的实在太多了, 那些如对不起的字句 我自己说也停了百万遍, 而且就算说了出来 有谁有愿意聆听?

-dydiary-

[ddavevid]

mood.

[ddavevid]

Sigh

Fuck, its 2k17 already. Time sure passed real quick its so fast i can’t even. Welp.. nights (or day) like this put me in a depressing mood, mind be full of things all over, can’t help but overthink things, questioning myself and all. Theres this one damn thing thats been bothering me for quite some time, and it just won’t stop comin’ into my mind. “Have I picked the wrong course?” is what my mind tell to me. This IT thingy, feels like ive screwed up from the start, before joining ive truly checked it all to make sure theres no Programming, reason for that is ive gone thru a lot of uhm.. research? uhhh, comments? idk but majority thumbs down on programming and also videos ive seen makes me wanna not take course that has Programming. So ive gone thru it all alot like a lotttt. Check and see the list of subjects that will be taught and all. Aye, there aint Programming or i’m just blind at that time. But yeah, long story short, there is programming and damn… C++ isnt that hard but ive fk up real badly since the start so.. ive made things complicated so… fault’s on me… idk. Now.. i can’t live one day without having “Youve picked the wrong course” voices being stuck in my head. It sure is torturing but.. i really dont know how to deal with it. Not gonna lie, i’ve failed the same subs for my first and sec sem, Programming and IT/IS got freaking C- which is a fail and my maths sucked so F for that, i know.. i’m stupid af, i’m sorry. Seeing people around me being happy with doing what they are up to really puts me into thinking why am I not feeling the same? I mean, why do i have to force myself to fall in love with this or that subject. Yeah, i understand people go thru shits like this it aint just me. But i just cannot control it.

I truly feel like a failure, everyday i’m trying to find happiness as a distraction to overthinking. It kills, you na’ mean? It hurts being like that. One thing that brings me out of my own depressing world is composing lyrics. I like music, no, i love music, rap especially, and uhm i love every genre but slow r&b chill rap is my type of game. I like to just chill in front of my comp browsing thru dem beats checking out and see if it suits and all. But after composed or recorded, the feelings come back constantly like it just wont go, you feel me? It aint my choice to feel all dark and negativity, i truly just cant help it. I thought of doing media, searched up cinematography and stuff, interesting, seems fun. I was actually inspired by youtubers to consider doing media, one of em is actually Robby Epicsauce, locals like Shawn Lee too, their vlogs and all its just so interesting seeing em’ doing things like that, its fun, brings me happiness. For some period , all that while i was trying to notice the cinematography of movies i went to watch with my buddies. Uhm.. long story short, I was hesitating to quit my current course bcoz if i choose to join media, my omma have to pay high cost and i’ll disappoint my family and all bcoz i stopped half way without achieving any shit. I’m that bad at it, yes i am. Woah, this is one freaking long comeback post… guess i have to stop here, will be back for Sigh Part II or smtg.

tumblr is such good place for me to vent my feelings. :)