Hanging in the Balance

Life is short. There is no time to waste standing still, we keep moving forward and eventually we will meet our goals. But nothing ever happens to the person who watches and waits for their goal. Stay motivated even if you dont want to.              Legalize it. Keep moving forward. love life while it last  

[ddstime]

Few Clouds, 20°C

Sometimes I wanna drive myself off an ocean cliff. Its a weird fantasy that I'll never have the guts to do.

But I imagine what it'd be like. Would I die on impact from the glass shattering?

Splintering into my body. Would it Pierce my skull?heart?lungs?stomach? What's the likelihood I'd be saved. Hopefully slim to none.

I could just make things simpler. Head to eroupe and ask for euthanasia

Either way my heart aches. Not from anyone one person.

But a concoction of self loathing and pitty. The true belief I'll probably never amount to anything. The reality that my exsistence is as close to meaninglessness as the human right next to me. But yet I tell myself everyday I'm worth more.

My self worth is so low I often wonder what the market would pay for it.

At least if my intelligence served of little value my body could bring something forward. My eyes and hair would be pricey. Starting me off at what I would imagine $3000 an hour. My curves would quadruple that. $12000, sounds good?

And there I go overselling myself. Because the reality is some cam girl who is 100x hotter than me is online right now charging much less.

So why do I spend days telling myself I am more, could be more, want to be more. But manage to stop myself by plunging a dagger in my leg and yelling to the world I can't move and may never be able to again.

Self defeat. Why did we meet, and why are you staying for such a long visit.

Powered by Journey Diary.

[ddstime]

2016 was an interesting year. Arguments leading to hard break up gave me an incredible reality shock and ended up leading  me on a great adventure. Now the break up lasted a very short while and Martin and I did end up back together. But aside that I learned during 2016 that many times than most you need to be selfish for yourself, and never get comfortable with where you are.  

The first couple pictures are of my dear friend Dylan and parts of Mount Shasta. The final picture is of Martin and I @ my 20th birthday party thrown by me best friend Birmingham! Hopefully 2017 will be better

[ddstime]

3 1/2 years

7/10/11. martin broke up with me today. I do not blame him we were both in weird places. but i never experienced a heart break before. One things for sure, ill always love him even when things were ugly.

Martin,

Thank you for being my first everything, and know matter what ill always love you. 

[ddstime]

Found this video going through some old files. Martin, Enrique, Joe, Matt and I were going through a stunt phase quoting Jackass (2002)

filmed in 2014

[ddstime]

mar. 5th-12th

Meet Mushu (the dog) all the other pictures are of me screwing up Enrique hair. 

[ddstime]

;)

   About a year ago Martin moved out of his house. I dont want to go into to much detail but he removed himself from a very abusive home, Doing so he had to leave his 2 brothers behind. Which was not an easy thing at all for him, and neither for me. Standing by his side, our relationship hit many hard times while he dealt with his new situation, while i dealt with my own family related problems.But here we are approaching our 3yr anniversary!!! 

 * the pictures below are the only pictures we have together through the past year* 

[ddstime]

1 year later

This year has been busy. Martin and I have been though some loops and i am thankful we have stuck together through thick and thin. The semesters have been flying by and its been a great experience. Hopefully this year i will set aside more time to update this blog, im hoping to keep this going till i am dead

[literallysame]

OMG THOSE KIDS MADE ANOTHER VIDEO

[mediaplay-deactivated20130204]

I THOUGHT THEY DIED IN THE LAST VIDEO

[crazydiamonds]

well if they werent dead before theyre dead now bc u kno that driver got out of their car and killed them both

[victorious]

#StopWhitePeople2k14

[ddstime]

Life is to busy and we grow up to fast

[ddstime]

Give me your opinion of the situation?

 2 months ago i planned for my best friend/major family friend Dylan to come down. The plan was obviously for us to hang out. But basically my home was to be used as a base. 

  Base(meaning): Stay at my house if needed. Can still make plans with other friends in the area but if for some reason they fall through then there is a safe place to be.

 Long story short my boyfriends parents dont like that another boy is staying at my house. So im now a "cheater", and not allowed to be at their house. Martin (my man) has known about dylan for a very long time. 

Martin has known that dylan is coming down. I asked him and he assured me that he was okay with it. And till this very minute he is still okay with everything.  His parents are trying to push it apart because they think im cheating. its such bullshit.

I never understood the term "love sick". its a terrible feeling. But i am glad that i have someone in my life who is worth it. And i know he feels the same way. 

Frustrating times. 

[ddstime]

Man how things can change

I quit my job! Best decision i ever made! im happy, but am now jobless. i have an interview here pretty quick so im off but i really need to update this more. I need to talk about my birthday, martin, school, etc! But life is busy and so i am off again

[ddstime]

Heres where i find myself today! Working for a clinical cancer study through a company known as ketotherapeutics! Even better my journey with my dads cancer will eventually be published. But at this point in time i have learned some information about my dad that has change my perspective. and its times like these where i wish that i could just ask questions and not have to worry about the answer i might hear.

Sadly i am stuck in a place where no one has a 100% accurate answer for me. So my heart is a little shattered by the thought of what could be. But no matter the answer i my view shouldnt change. Now as a writer i am the one stuck with internal conflicts and am no longer comfortable with writing out my story. now if i even begin to start writing about Ricky i am fighting tears. 

I am grateful that i have this job and an opportunity to help people but at the same time, intimidation is very highly expressed around here. so i feel stuck. 

[ddstime]

MolDed

Our choices effect everything From what happense to us & people around us is out of our control We are MolDed We are cracked, carved, & smoothed over But no one person exists like you do This MolD we become only fits with one's of similarity So here you are Still exsisting Still unique ------------------------------------------------------ When you learn someone's history it's like finding a key. Dating Martin is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thank god constantly for him. For the longest time, since I have known Martin and his troubled past, he always tells "I wish it never happened" or "if I could just change this one thing..." I always tell him. "If we change just a second of time in the past, we may have not even exsisted" this whole topic just gets me going on rants. But my brain still cannont fathom that us meeting and being together was not sheer chance or coincidence! If I had gotten scared and never showed up to my very first wrestling practice I wouldn't have even known he exsisted. Everything happens for a reason. We might just not know it at the time. So there's my rant and a little to what inspired my poem.

[ddstime]

Prom was so much fun! That night was probably the most fun and memorable night i have had of my whole entire high school life. Honestly i kind of regret not going to other high school dances but then again if i didn't,would prom had been that memorable? 

 Needless to say that everything did go wrong that day leading up to prom itself. I hated how my hairstylist did my hair and makeup, my dress didn't look as good as i wanted it too. especially because she totally ignored what i wanted done because "it wasnt prom enough". Regardless of how i percieved myself, showing up to martins made me feel a whole lot better.

 I walked into his house and the first thing that came out of his mouth was "Wow, You look beautiful". At that point it didnt matter to me how i looked, if he was impressed i was satisfied. 

Once i got there we waited a bit till the photographer appeared. Once she got there we headed to signal hill and started all of these photos! The theme for prom was James Bond so i thought it would be fun to take pictures with a fake pistol. which i was right! it was a ton of fun!

Prom arrived and the majority of the time we spent dancing. Which for me was a huge surprise. MARTIN DOES NOT DANCE. But he decided to give that up for prom night and may i say i was very astonished! We both had so much fun! In fact we may even start taking dance lessons soon!

 After prom we followed a friend to an after party but upon arrival we both decided it looked too sketchy to join. So we headed back to his house watched some movies then called it a night.

even though my night wasn't as crazy and wild as others, im glad it happened just the way it did. I loved going to dinner with just Martin. I loved him holding my hand on the car ride there and back. I loved his sweet pecks on the cheek or on my forehead. 

[ddstime]

We are heading on our one year anniversary! We are celebrating today But do to some drama in the family it is subject to not even happening! Happy anniversary babe!

[ddstime]

Having the urge to type! 11/15/13

After having last night and being able to just process and vent by myself was completely and utterly enthralling. Today i feel like i have inhaled some liquid gas that has changed my mind set. 

I didnt realize (and im not sure for how long) how much i have been in a rut. But i had a great night to myself, of tumbling, writing, catching up on some poets and playing Call Of Duty with Dylan (i haven't been able to do that in a while)! 

Just looking forward to this Friday. Its the perfect weather to heat up some hot coco, wrap up in a blanket with martin and watch a movie.  

Man im so excited to be able to hang out with him today! Even more, i am  kind of looking forward to wrestling! Im hoping that this surge of positive energy will last! 

[ddstime]

Life Highlights!

Still with Martin! love that man!

Trade school bound

College Bound

Wrestling hard

Senior Year

You know this week has been pretty crappy. With season starting and school becoming more tedious i was about to throw in the towel today. Throw in the towel with wrestling at least. Im sick of routine and i cant wait to break away.

On top of just scholastic stress i have been kind of stressed with Martin. Not that he did anything wrong its just we have been around each other so much, it has become its own personal intoxication. Dont get me wrong i love spending time with him but i think that we have literally been with each other everyday all day its becoming to much. Today is the first day since summer where i have had a full 24 hours without him. It feels weird to not have him around.  But we both needed this even if he doesn't want to admit it or. Still love him to death! 

back on task....

Any who, as i got home from practice today i had a revelation and i started to look up! My grades are good, i have 2 really great friends. So im happy!