i have the right to block anyone who makes me uncomfortable
šļø all my socials, full dni, and boundaries + triggers are on my strawpage!
š i primarily reblog through @dewa-rebog, though occasionally shit i find funny goes here. sometimes on accident lol
š¤² i am the host of the @thesistarsystem! occasional blogging with my systemmates ^_^
šļø my iterator oc au webcomic Bots Will Be Bugs, Right?, where they experience the ecosystem as itterbeast hybrids and duke it out!!
ā ļømy work can contain: blood, gore, eyestrain, & eye contact
i will try my best to individually tag!
all of my blogs are NSFW-free!
š i create art as my primary coping method, to share my love for the world, and to have a conversation!
(link to post)
š general tags
āļø #pen&pencilparade ā traditional art
š¾ #digitaldepictions ā digital art
šļø #awesomeanimating ā animation raw and ripe
š¼ļø #gloriousgallery ā fanart???
š #wordwandering ā my yappin
š¬ #letters2&fro ā all my asks and reblog convo threads
šstories
#iambicpentameter ā rw iterator x cccc hms emotionally-driven metaphorical imagery storytelling project
#cccclinic ā cccc hmsw meets medical horror as whole recuperates to life again after a coma
#ccccycles ā cccc hms timeloop into different physical body horror bodies every time a fight ends bloodily
šØi love drawing:
rain world
my ocs
metaphorical imagery and storytelling
experimental color and collage compositions
hyperfixations
ši love writing aboutā¦Ā
mental illness and disability
PAIN AND PANIC
ANGST, often orbiting intentional and accidental misunderstandings
metaphorical narratives and imagery
disassociation, depersonalization, delusion, and unreality
blood and body horror
facets of the self and how they effect intrapersonal & interpersonal relationships
the relationship between the body and breathing
PLATONIC AND SELF LOVE!!
underwater environments
lyrical references
i consider all themes a primary part of my work!
āļøthings that inspire me:
my friends
my fictives
character roleplay
unedited blurry photography
summer aesthetic/eyecatching palettes
deep and meaningful connections (metaphors, talking about ocs, friendship :], collaborative oc lore)
explorable environments (in worldbuilding or as unorthodox locations irl)
š¤extra facts:
i love watching college shortfilms whenever the annual deadlines occur
a part of my artstyle was influenced by my goal of digital stickermaking
i was an official member of the cloud appreciation society for a year (itās just cloud people facebook soā¦alasā¦)
iāve both touched something thatās been in space and fed a giraffe with my left hand
i pull š¤ this hand symbol a lot itl, aswell as a version where i extend my thumb too. somatic thing. no intended meaning!
this was supposed to be short, but now it is long. oh well. have a wonderful dayš
š® my userboxes and iterator can stamp graphics come from my personal compendium of web graphics available on my toyhouse here. i aim to collect only the f2u graphics for use in customizing oc toyhouse pages. though i may make mistakes! do correct me if iām wrong! i get the majority of my graphics from tumblr.
lowkey seen it everywhere and it gives me whimsy even though i donāt completely understand it. never did it myself. but you go gang. creaturely that character or the like. frolick and have fun
lyleā¦.who is lyleā¦ā¦.why he have trouble eating samwichā¦ā¦.why is he so fucking adoraablleeeeee
(this ask does creep toward a topic im scared about (i have emetophobia) but i am curious just donāt Kill Me /lh. also i have an aversion to the word sick so use ill or unwell instead!! whatever happens ill beeš ok btw š)
Okay I know you know the answer to some of this already but I would looooooove love to yap. I can also be sparing on the talk about being ill, and I'll avoid the word sick best I can! (I talk about more here on this post!)
(Super rough doodle!)
So when Lyle first grows his second mouth (which almost literally chews its way out of his stomach, won't go into details but it was not fun(tm)) his upper mouth and lower mouth both connect to his stomach, while his upper mouth only connects to his lungs. Now, you all can laugh at me but it is an apt comparison, Lyle being ill after eating is a lot like when I sneeze and get rice stuck in my nose sfdkaasd. Your nose and mouth are connected near the back of your throat, my connection is larger than average. Something when I eat rice (and unfortunately other foods) if I breath funny the rice will go up and around into my nose, where I then have to sneeze it back out (which SUUUUUUCKS). That's kind of what is happening with Lyle!
When he eats with his top mouth it has to travel down his esophagus into the stomach. Now his stomach is very close to his second mouth, and his stomach acid is very sloshy lets say. When you drop a rock in a puddle it splashes, and unfortunately for Lyle it splashes up his second throat basically and causes really bad stomach cramps and can make him ill. Now if he eats from the bottom it goes better, however here is where that rice thing comes into play. If he coughs or breathes super heavily or such things his body can get confused and it tries to send things back up towards his top mouth. Obviously, he is usually ill afterwards. His body is growing new functions faster than his brain is clicking with them so a lot of those internal functions that just work on their own will have periods of breaking down in-between growths. Eating from the bottom mouth is usually better but he is stubborn and very self conscious about the whole thing and prefers to eat from where his normal mouth is. Once his top mouth becomes disconnected from his stomach he is ill a lot less in that specific way, but he has accidentally tried to eat from his normal mouth only to choke on food in his lungs like an idiot.
yeahā¦..i know about this alreadyā¦ā¦.i did my Diggingā¦ (i will reread the post u linked)
CHEWS ITS WAY OUT OF HIS STOMACHE?? HOLY BALLS?? sits down and clasps my hands and rests my chin on them
naw dawg ur anatomy drawing being made and included at all make me applaud. its banger. its awesome. illustrates it perfectly /lh /gen
writing a very specific anatomical inconvenience into a body horror character is peak btw
realizing that this double mouth thing actually reminds me of a clip from one o my favorite streamers astralspiff. heres the link to the cut moments compilation with the timestamp. i like him,,, its a yap about the societal things that arise surrounding a species that has two mouths. all brought about by uh the uh dad of lancer from deltarune. i do not know his name š . its fucking longg clip but theres lost of thinking that goes on here that reminds me of The Guy
āhis body is getting new functions faster than his brain is clicking with themā FUUUCKKK fuucccckkkk SELF CONSCIOUS BODY HORROR CHARACTER save me self conscious body horror character fuuccckk
NOOOO MY BAABYYY NOOO NOOO sobs,,,,,,,,,,, sobs,,,,aough,,,, oughh,,, <- crawling out of the lyle infodump dungeon (/posi) covered in blood with a new appreciation for That Guy
love this to bits!!! loved this style of feedback givin too. hueheuhhu
5 notifications injected whimsy into ur veins? more likeā¦..uhhhā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦40ā¦was that 40? how much did i reblog and yapā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦..
lyle is in my photo gallery for Reference Reasons shhhhhš¤«š¤«š¤«š¤š¤š¤š¤ thinking of opening up my ibispaintx tomorrowā¦.
I can't give you an exact number because my friend also went nutso in my notification but know that at 4:30am I woke up and blearily went "I should check tumblr and see if anyone liked my model before I fall back asleep" and then I had my antenna blasted right off by the sheer force of your whimsy. Tell Benji next time he co-hosts I say hiiiii waving enthusiastically. I read every single one of your reblogs and had so much joy injected into my veins I had a hard time falling back asleep BAHAHAHAHA
You're trying to kill me here wehhhh,,, whether or not art happens I genuinely just appreciate your kind comments so much. You saying you find yourself getting more into Look Outside because of me (and wanting to wiki dive for it past your youtuber) makes me want to pop (positive!!!!).
Hope you don't mind me hitting a few of your tag comments here!
On this post about the mandibles it is something I keep thinking about but I haven't had a mental image I like for them yet! The fanfic I base a lot of my headcanons off (it is soooooooo good they write Lyle's character exactly how I see him in my head) has him with proper mandibles, but the way they describe it in the fic I genuinely can't picture. That alongside the fact I want him to be able to make certain expressions has kept me from them, but he might get some pedipalps later!
On this post Critter's version of Lyle is much more accurate than mine XD you probably know this already as you got to my first post but I draw Lyle in a hypothetical world where we meet him mid transformation (Like Jeanne who you may not have met yet but she is sooooo sweetie pie). I've committed a cardinal sin of turning a beautiful monster humanoid, but I swear your honor I am doing it for toture reasons!!!
On this post the square thing is a camera! Specifically an older style camera with a bellows attached.
On this post I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT BENJI'S ANATOMY STUFF DEFO SEND IT TO ME WHEN YOU WRITE IT!!!!
Sorry this reply is so long haha,,, thank you so much for all the kind things you said TvT
hello hello!!! finally gettin to this now that i have the time n energy. been excited to get back to it but šš things came up. and also im rewriting this bc my draft didnt get saved while i was drawing. a little something. i love this reply!! i read it a while ago and i responded partially thru tags on my @dewa-rebog account but i wanna get to more of the Meat here now.
benji says hi!! he has a message for u actually. i mentioned in tags but yeah hes just here all the time. something something co con and we dont experience amnesia so were all just vibing. he watched my type all of this and hes notably much more tired after iāve finished than when i started (this took like 30 minutes lol but it was FUN!!)
šššits been a while since like ā¦i drafted this reply messageā¦aka when the lyle knowledge was still fresh in me. but i gotta get back to it. thats the guy. thats your weird thing. i wanna look deeper thru different yt videos and skim the wiki when i can bc look outside is peak and lyle is growing on me thru u huhu. im glad i joy and whimsyād you!!
no problem yappin on tags!! i totes get not being able to visualize somethin. i gotta check out that fic you love a bunch,,, would you like to send it over,,, also this was the thang benji wante dto comment on here i drew this for him:
i think lyle mid transformation is awesomesauce!!!! perfect body horror shite ofc aswell as likeā¦composing a timeline of how those changes to his body take place and how. for torture reasons is certainly valid and very exciting huhuā¦also no i have not met jeanne yet. maybe shes the fellow trapped in that bigass tube thing whose been grinded to bits(?) or that iāve seen in an art on ur profile of her and lyle finding simularity (and denial) in being nonhuman. or something. scratches head.
googled bellows and that shit is SO fucking cool. v aesthetic to me. lyle with camera on himā¦was that a you decision or just smthn he has ingame. Why So Camera, i cock my head (feel free to explain if youād like!)
YYAAAY YAAAY YAAAY ššš he grinsā¦iāve talked about it a lot with him with how i Envision him for anxiety and general function reasons on both of our behalfs, but iāve yet to write anything down. its soo elaborate especially hows hes Fish at some point. i like respiratory systemsā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦hers some brainstorming i did on his anatomy when i was nailing down his fish design, aswell as how he looks as bug mode. here in the system he can switch between the two bodies (bug and fish) whenever he likes, but it comes with a psycholigacl cooldown because its A Lot. it doesnāt hurt but its a lot. and sometimes when hes fish (he does it for vibes mostly sometimes) we dont really readily have any benji-sized bodies of water laying around so he has to wet a towel and wrap it around his gills lmao. as a fish hes also technically amphibian or somethin idk ill let the diagram explain
i love my weird giant fucking bug fish ssoonnnnn auagahhh my babyyyyyyy my kidddd my babyyyyy hes like either 6 or 7 (sobs into my handsā¦ā¦..not even intendedā¦) feet tall. like i dunno. hes so huge. i love him. he has no motor muscles in his tail he can consciously move sp it just drags behind him and its the most endearing thing ever UGGHHRHRHRHRHRGRGRHRHGGHGGHG also a pal drew fanart of him smoking bubbleweed recently (its a rainworld thing, hes a rainworld oc, hes my baby, bubbleweed is plant that grows around waterlogged regions that extends your breath time underwater and it cant really be smoked but him using it like hes smoking is so funny to me). ourgrhhhhh this art was by stellalikescheese from a discord server im in rn and oughrhh i colored it and i did color it with benji as the wrong body (it was memeing the 3rd lage above here specifically wheres hes fish) but i looveee them both sm love it sm
how is my little little tardigrade guy doin !!!! actually can i ask how tall r u (iām 5 3 1/2)
I'm doing great! :D I recently woke up from a goooood nap that I needed after therapy. Things have been chill so far, I hope it'll get even better soon! I'm excited to finish my charm making project so I can start with my other ones :D
Anyway, answering your question: I'm 162 cm atm! So it's about the same as your height. Since I'm growing again/still bc of medication I get to treat my physical developmental issues, this might change in the future.
thats great!! im finally gettin to a few of my drafted reply reblog thangs rn. i know its been a few daysā¦or maybe a week, but i hope youāre still doing well! and if not this is a reminder that youāll be ok soon again š
also excited about your charm project!! i hope it goes (went) well!! also if you get any update on your height when it changes, feel free to ping me! š«¶
started a doodle journal this evening. doodlin over screenshots and pics i take bc i love the markup feature šš i want it to be a private little thing for me but i just wanted to share a little of it. i do have trouble not sharing all my art sometimes though
hi guys i tweaked my commisosns thang to be more pretty lala
if you see this but dont wanna commission, then just a simple reblog could help me out and reach more people ^_^
BUT if u arent scared off yet, theres examples of my art udner cut okok
WAIT UR @ IS SPEAKINGSYSTEMS NOW?? i do not want to be Dramatic about this change. but i saw a post ever reblogged earlier today and it was reblogged from someone called speakingsystems. i have found who that is. i think that is very very cool. these were my tags under the post where i saw it first
wanted to show u bc i thought maybe uād enjoy it
HAHAHAHAHA
Also yeah. SpeakingSystems has been my user for a while now. Except actually It's been the url of My Art blog for a while.so i just recently changed it to bw my mains url
awesomesauce!! im a huge fan of the name a lot. do u have a link to ur artblog huhuā¦has the name of ur arblog changed too bc speakingsystems is now ur main?
i hope this uhhh sends bc my wifi is SHIT right now but!! and you can reply in dms if ur not comfy bein public with it. but!! what do u think ur autism symptoms r. i can help you with the Criteria. and if not ur awesome n cool btw.
Gwwaah no itās ok!! It would help if someone did talk to me about my symptoms. My parents are coincidentally thinking my little brother has autism, so if he actually does then thereās a high chance that I do. Considering everyone I know is saying I have autism (jokingly), itās making me question if I do actually have it,
nodding!! do u wanna yap about it thru this post (reblogging w replies lol) so we can have a dedicated place to go and yap? or just whenever. highly likley itāll bleed into dms anyways too lol bc its hard to keep consistent sometimes šš
this is a vent post. you are NOT morally obligated to interact with this post if you do not have the energy for it.
i promise i will be ok. i have so much life to live and my very own mom being such a huge obstacle just pisses me off.
stay safe, ily so much š and i love myself too
i have a neglectful mom. i hate her so much. on countless instances my fawning under her control has made me doubt if i hated her. but i am sure of it. she is a close-minded bitch who has consistently failed to even try to understand my point of view. i am afraid of her.
āI MUST NOTE: THIS IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP. I AM NOT AT RISK OF KILLING OR HURTING MYSELF. do also keep in mind that all trauma is valid. my household life is still unstable. I AM ALSO MOVING INTO MY DADāS HOUSE WHEN I AM 18 (september 5th)!! though, she will still be apart of my life until i can move away.
š i have good things in my life: i also have a therapist i meet with twice a week and have full access to private messaging with her at all times. her name is sharon and i love and trust her very much. she has seen me through my hardest times of recent. my dad is very alike to me and i feel safe opening up to him. he is bothered by (although not as much as i amā¦) my mom. i have my online friends i love spending time and calling with. i am going back to school after summer to a school recommended to me by my therapist for itās serious focus on mental health over academics, and though i am scared, i am excited to meet new people and customize my backpack. i love drawing and writing ocs and journalling and talking with my very patient systemmates every day and watching videos in my bed and eating food i love and relaxing with my dog (who is very sweet and one of my anchors at my moms house). i am in touch with the whimsy of the world and i plan to keep it that way.
i made this list to help me keep track of what she does that pisses me off because im forgetful due to all the trauma iāve received, and i need to stop fawning under her control. my parents are divorced and i have to stay at her house for upwards of 2 weeks depending on the schedule. i am often afraid of sharing these things with my friends in fear of burdening them (and though i know itās not true i am still scared and fear this is too dark). but i want to share it publicly because i love formatting tumblr posts and am trying to beat back the recent developing habit of not sending messages despite wanting to. i want somewhere for my feelings to go that is not private.
my goals/rules for this post:
i do not want anyone nitpicking my reasons for hating my mom. i do not have any empathy for her specifically.
i am not trying to prove myself to anyone. my trauma from her is real.
i want to update this post whenever i have a new reason to add on why mom pisses me off. this is where i will go to vent about it.
i want to express myself here publicly so my feelings donāt feel trapped in in my notes. formatting on tumblr is really really fun to me. people who view this are not obligated to respond in any way. and maybe, someone will feel seen by this post. but i am not posting this with the specific goal of that happening. this is me experimenting with self expression and knowing what i love and hate.
some things on my list may seem unfair and harsh. that is on purpose. i am saying my feelings and preferences as a definite to fight back my moral ocd that surrounds the validity of my feelings in the face of my momās judgement. but i will not generalize everyone who has a messy house as she does for example. she likely has adhd but i do not hate her for having adhd. i just cannot extend any sympathy to her for the things she has done apart from that.
i am horrified of ever telling her any of this because i have many reasons not to trust her. she does not have tumblr (thank god).
ā¬ļølist starts under cutā¬ļø
the opposite of this ā¤“ļø. which explains why i do not feel entirely loved. loving is an action, not a word.
has said to my face that i canāt take care of myself and that i donāt know what i want
SHE THINKS A BOUNDARY AND A DEMAND ARE THE SAME FUCKING THING LIKE OHMYFUCKING GODDD i remember googling it to show her twice and oh my gooddddddddddd
knocking really fast in succession, and opening my door just a creak to poke her head through (reminds me of analog horror monsters)
leaves my door open when she says shes coming back soon. when i say i donāt want my door open for any reason i mean it
always says āi hear youā but she really doesnāt. i never feel heard At All.
not suspecting that maybe school in general isnāt right for me afterā¦15 schools? or atleast never investigating?
she has the fucking karreen cuttttt fuuccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
her house and car are so fucking messy and it shows me that she sucks at prioritizing things and thinking long-term. i have ocd and i know the trick with ocd is to challenge the cleanliness habit, and she doesnāt have to be clean all the time. but it reminds me of that one opening scene from catcher in the rye where the holden caulfield notices his rather vain roommate using an uncleaned razor to shave his face. holden says that that kind of thing can tell you a lot about someone. i think about that a lot.
ingredient household. i am sure i have developed an eating disorder from my anxiety involving putting together food in her house. whenever i am in the kitchen and she notices/leaves her room to check on me(???) she asks if i need help making food. she doesnāt know i have an eating disorder. this makes me feel like i am being babied, especially when she points out very obvious food choices.
i do not feel safe communicating to her any of my preferences or boundaries because i feel like i am being vulnerable with her, and when i have tried communicating in the past i always hinge the validity of my preferences and boundaries on her judgement because of my fawning.
my dad and younger sib (who hella fawns but doesnāt know it) are also often frustrated at mom. so im not just a hater shes actually got a problem.
theres been so many times where sheās planned super early appointments for things that arenāt dire (consistent 9am booking forā¦a dental visit)
she assumes a lot of things. assumes i need help making my food. assumes i have the energy to talk with her ever (as she tries conversate to be my friend). assumes dad is open for actively and efficiently participating in a phone call.
shes trying to spend more time with me to get to know me again as if my cold cutting-off of passive communication between us (or the passive aggressiveness i actively displayed toward her not too long ago??) didnāt mean anything. just because iām not like spewing insults anymore doesnāt mean my tone isnāt still obviously short with you. doesnāt mean iām not angered by you. she really doesnāt get the memo. shes very stupid.
she liked me when i did chores for her. when i fawned for her.
her primary complaint when anyone angers her is āi cook and i clean and iā BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH OUGH MY GOD. doesnāt make me feel very heard.
she doesnāt get to the point when she talks about things very fast. she details things that are off topic with people who have voiced a value of urgency (dad in the middle of work, me asking a simple question in a curt tone). in contrast, iāve developed a style of communication that iām sure has been an direct adaptation from trauma surrounding not knowing what to do and how to do it. iāve been told by two different friends that they like how i clarify.
my sib thought she was trans for a while (she was just having really heavy body dysphoria of a kind i donāt know the details on, and was pretty young. i donāt know the details on it but she hasnāt displayed any anti trans or lgbtq behavior) and mom ??? told our fucking openly republican neighbors ?? thank god they were ally or something (what the fuck) but like. this happened multiple times. mom telling people my sib is trans before my sib is ready.
mon hated the idea of me going by it/its pronouns for reasons i assume are dehumanizing. but like. wow. ok. still a valid community of real people apart of the lgbtq+ community youāre completely overlooking
she bought a book on autism but i havenāt seen it moved or mentioned (shes so fucking chatty) ONCE. did she check that the book was even a credible source or did she assume?
SHE DOESNāT LIKE TEXTING BECAUSE OF HER DYSLEXIA which is fair BUT SHES NOT EVEN TRYING TO MEET IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE WHEN ITS BEEN STATED AND RESTATED AND RESTATED THATS TEXT IS THE MOST EFFICIENT FORM OF COMMUNICATION FOR ME AND MY DAD so then we arenāt caught up on things because we didnāt want to fucking call or talk face to face right when she wants us to. and then she raambless and raambless and yaps about shit that aint important and nobody caaarrress nobody caaarrressss oh my goddddddd
when i was younger and hadnāt realized i fawned or hated her she was soooo anoyyingg about living room movie night shit. like she hated watching animated movies even when me and my sib agreed on them. like. her reasoning was āweāve seen this recentlyā but like. all she liked was live action shit. which i found boring and i remember voicing that. oh my gooddddddd fUCK you bitch fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuu i double middle finger her behind her back a lot HEHEHEHEHEH
Ā· consistently fails at planning ahead
only gets my grocerylist at her own convinience
doesnāt keep a record of what i like and dislike foodwise so itās up to me to keep reinterating
my dad and i consistently get angry with her over her spontaneity in changing plans
got a grey fabric couch that āmatches the aesthetic of the houseā sheās also declared cannot be eaten on. now we have to sit on the uncomfortable raised-pattern carpet floor and eat over the glass table that collects crumbs?
