Dead Pets Society

On August 11, 2017 I lost my soul mate. My world fell apart and I will never be the same.

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Death-A-Versary

It came quicker than I realized

Took me by surprise

Tied up my mind

And god I wished I’d died.

It hurts to forget

It hurts to remember

It’s all the worst feeling to feel.

Distractions don’t help

Neither does focusing

All the stupid tips and tricks

Are so fucking dumb

They don’t help me feel numb.

[dead-pets-society]

i still remember all the little things.

He was the summers storm rattling my windows,

He was the soft winter chill through the cracks in the walls,

He was the soft crunch of leaves under my footfalls,

He was the fresh feeling of flowers fluttering in spring,

He is all the small little things.

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It’s always hard

It’ll always be hard to remember them without pain. But at least it’s not forgetting them. At least I still remember them.

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Motivation from moving on

Starting new won’t help immediately. You’ll still feel pain, and grief, and eventual guilt. But it’s a distraction, and a way to get back motivation. I got a kitten December 1st. It’s hard, but it’s a motivation.

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[dead-pets-society]

That Night

That night haunts me like a bad smell. It lingers and is hard to forget once smelled. It’s hard to feel okay again. It’s hard to shape it into something good, impossible even. That night kills me in my sleep, throught my day, and in my head. Every little thing sets my mind back to the start restarting the grief, the pain, the memory of that night. That night ruined me, and nothing can heal me. That night he died, my heart broke in two. I am colder than ever, I hate home more than ever, and I haven’t felt more in danger and unsafe than this moment, the past few months, this soon to be year without him. That night killed me, and that night won’t fade away. It is here to stay, as time stops but there’s still new days.

[dead-pets-society]

Lucky Silver Spoon

When someone we love dies, seemingly out of nowhere or when expected, it hurts and the first thing we look for, aside from them, is a sign. A letter they left behind for us, a flicker of a light, a sign they aren’t gone they are just invisible or some sort of goodbye more conforming and reassuring than the one we may or may not have had. A goodbye, a comeback, an impossible miracle that saves us from the pain of them being gone. But that miracle is for the lucky silver spoons who most of the time were expecting the death. What’s a suicide without a note? A cancerous disease without some just in case letters? But when it’s sudden, and no one could have known how bad it was, or they were getting better and we let the thought of death slip away is when we are most vulnerable, and that silver spoon luck disappears. No note, no signs, no sudden pause in life, just sad heartbreaking depression and overall a will to reverse this curse that death has kissed upon our lips. This is the grief, the pain, the heartbreak, of a miracle-less death.

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It's gonna be okay

These few months have been really hard. But it’s gonna be okay. Life is kinda bland, and I still miss him and cry when I think about him too much. But it’s gonna be okay. I am okay. But in a way I don’t think I’ll ever be completely okay.

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My days, old memories

My days used to be filled with him. Now my days are filled with fragmented memories of him. But memories and pictures no matter how many, are never enough. Because he is no longer here to make more.

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I can't

I miss him so fucking much. I’ve lost all motivation and all I can do is lay around cry and continuously eat. I’m afraid that I’m losing myself and I miss him so much. I can’t function I can’t focus I can’t continue on. I’m scared and I can’t.

[dead-pets-society]

This is Ninja, my baby. He died august 11,2017 at the age of three. This is my place to grieve, this is my way to remember him, this is my safe space.

[dead-pets-society]

A way to be me

Writing helps me grieve. As my heartbreak and pain consume me my hand writes a string of hope called words. Poetry stories anything to heal my mind. Writing is my way to grieve, it's a way to be me.

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"Pain, it demands to be felt."

-John Green (the fault in our stars

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It's hard.

Everything is hard when your grieving. Walking in rooms they walked in. Eating food they liked. Finding their things. Seeing pictures of them, seeing videos of them. It's hard. It's so hard. But somehow you'll pull through, because they'd want you to.

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A Void left behind

When you've been alone for a certain amount of time you get used to the void. But once you've filled the void and you don't feel so alone. Is when your heart is weakest and vulnerable. So when they leave the void is open. Be careful, or you'll be broken.

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Here comes a thought

The last song he heard, the last song I played, I hoped he liked it. I hope it was okay. My poor Ninja I hope your not mad. The last song was sad. I hope you were happy, I hope I loved you enough. I'm sorry poor baby I wasn't good enough.

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It should've been me

I wish. I wish. I wish.

I wish I could have a single day. A duover of sorts. To tell him goodbye and get through the hurt. I he wish was back. It should've been me. Now the only distraction is the tV.