Welcome To My Story

25 years old If you cut me open I’d bleed black. Forever a writer

[deadby420]

At what point do I get to stop filling the graveyards

[deadby420]

I keep count of my overdoses

It’s pretty easy after all these years

But I can’t be the one to survive you have to pull through

[deadby420]

I look to my cards for comfort

All they tell me is you’re already gone and there is no saving you

That it’s time to build my life in your memory

I’m sorry

[deadby420]

I pull a grief tarot spread

And your card comes up for the deceased

I’m not ready to bury you too

[deadby420]

Whatever good energy or prayers anyone has we need it right now

Our little sister is in the hospital on life support

[deadby420]

One reason not to give in to ideation is that I have not yet achieved the level of hyper specific pettiness of my abusive mom who got revenge on me cutting her out by specifically mailing me a check that she folded so her daughter who hates driving and works nights and has executive dysfunction will have to make a special trip to go cash it but will seem insane if she says anything.

Anonymously tell me what time it is there and what you’re thinking about

[deadby420]

5:31pm. I wanted to update you. At this point I should be using an identifier. I’ll go by -m.

The last time I was here was two weeks ago. That’s when I had my last drink. I’ve been trying to stay away from everything. It’s been hard. The move took three whole days. Thankfully some people close to me came to help. It made it easier to focus on them than the stress cravings.

I’m settling in the new place and working regularly again. It’s good to have something to keep my mind off of everything. I’ve spent a lot of the last two weeks trying to keep busy. It’s hard, especially at night when I’m left alone with my thoughts. I’m looking for AA groups near me too.

The life insurance money has finally pulled through and after paying the funeral home, my siblings and I got a good chunk of what was left over. Not much but will help with some upcoming bills. We have some money set aside for my dads headstone when the ground thaws. I try not to think about that part too much because it’s unsettling to know he’s in an unmarked grave at the moment.

I lost my health insurance so now my therapy and psych sessions are on hold until I can get some coverage. Thankfully I already had my meds refilled before I lost coverage so I have a decent stock up. I’ve been taking them regularly for the last week and I can feel myself getting slightly manic again while my body gets used to them after not taking them for a while. It’s not a bad manic. I’m getting more productive, I feel restless but like I can get things done. It’s better than the depression I was in.

Everything still kinda sucks and at every Inconvenience I’m missing the feeling of being inebriated. I lost myself and couldn’t find who I was at the bottom of a bottle. It’s scary trying to figure out who I might actually be. It’s nerve wracking doing this while everything else was going on. If I don’t do it now I’m scared I never will. I need to keep going and keep holding myself accountable. I keep telling myself two weeks is a good start.

Thank you for your kind words from before. Thank you for being a place to vent and feel heard. I’ll come back soon to let you know how things are going. -m

Anonymously tell me what time it is there and what you’re thinking about

I’m sorry I disappeared. How are things now? How are you doing? Recovery isn’t easy but it’s worth it

[deadby420]

2:55 pm

I don't need to shop and I don't love to day drink and so I'm just driving around and parking for a bit and fucking around on my phone and then driving home. I have things I should work on. I don't know why I'm like this. Maybe I'll leave food for the birds when I get home.

Anonymously tell me what time it is there and what you’re thinking about

[deadby420]

9:18

I have been bullied by other cis women so much in my life that I was afraid that I was transphobic when I met a polycule of trans women who wanted to be my friends because I wasn't afraid of them.

Isn't that stupid?

Anonymously tell me what time it is there and what you’re thinking about

[deadby420]

1 pm

I want to know if there is a word for the type of love that is romantic, but you aren't in love with each other. The type of love you can even have with someone who doesn't have a compatible orientation with you. The two of you just sort of enjoy enacting the rituals of romance on each other. Like... courtly love almost. I have had a few friends like that... people who just enjoyed flirting and coordinating outfits and cutesy nicknames and all that but were asexual and non monogamous and generally enacted like camp- like "omg of COURSE I ordered for you in front of the waitress my anxious friend who hates talking to strangers I know it makes you feel all submissive and like I'm taking care of you!" Etc. I kind of miss that type of romance most of all.

Anonymously tell me what time it is there and what you’re thinking about

[deadby420]

I know you’re not suppose to, it’s anti recovery

But when the darkness crawls it’s way back into my bed

I start making jokes about how long I’ve planned to take the pills and how easy it is to just fall asleep again

[deadby420]

Next month marks a year since my partner tried to kill me and I left our marriage. A year since she brought the knife to our bed room and a year since someone has threatened me, or hit me, or thrown something at me, or screamed, or twisted my reality. It has been a year without having to force someone to live. A year where I went out and left the house more than I did in all of our relationship. A year where I actually lived.

It gets so much better. Fuck. It’s worth leaving. I promise.

[deadby420]

You come back easier than the shot of tequila going down

I don’t know how to do this gracefully

Fuck I don’t know how to do this period

But I know I survived you

[deadby420]

The day after you died

The world kept spinning the birds kept chirping

The sun dared to shine without you

And me? I was forever changed

[deadby420]

It’s been two years

I woke up and missed you more than I did yesterday

I woke up today and your name was all I could say

Today is forever your day, however broken it leaves us

[deadby420]

I name him for the first time

Spend the next days in terror

But I will not let him have a choke hold on me yet again

[deadby420]

It has been 6 years since you put your hands on me

6 long years

But your name came up in conversation last night

I still want to claw my god damn skin off like it still has your teeth marks in it

6 years and the first time I name what you did with you who you are I snap

The terror close to home, makes the room feel small.