Woof

Vent blog • he/him or it/its • you can call me dead • aromantic • 20’s • closeted ftm • minors dni

[deaddoberman]

Caldecott - dynastic & Polygon Cove

[deaddoberman]

My birthday is rapidly approaching and I am NOT happy about it

[deaddoberman]

Of course it's not fair. It's never been fair. If life was fair, you would've lived forever. I need you, but you're gone. Fuck, I miss you so much.

[deaddoberman]

My angel. He could never stop wagging his tail.

[deaddoberman]

How... how long was she doing that for......

[deaddoberman]

Of course as soon as there's finally work to do at my job my body decides to self-destruct

[deaddoberman]

Everywhere I stand isn’t solid ground

People don’t make sense to me anymore…

[deaddoberman]

Vent about divorced parents bullshit

I'm almost 30 years old but I'm still having to deal with the fallout of my parents' relationship. What am I supposed to do when my mom gets me alone and starts accusing my dad of leaving me out of his will? Do I just agree with her so that she doesn't lash out at me? Or do I defend my dad even though he'll never know about the conversation? I can't convince her that he cares about me. My mom will always assume that my dad hates me. She assumes he hates everyonne.

She's convinced that his wife is manipulating him into hating me. But I know his wife and I know she would never do that. She loves me. I know she does.

The fact that my mom assumes that anyone my dad is married to is manipulating him is really telling. She manipulated and abused my dad throughout their entire marriage. Of course she would think his new wife is doing the same thing.

She manipulated me too, and I let her ruin my relationship with my dad. He's moving away soon, and our relationship will always be strained because my mom convinced me that he was conspiring against me. Now it's at a point where repairing the relationship would take a lot of work that I just don't have the energy for. I have a mental illness that makes talking to anyone a monumental task. Now I have to choose between my sanity and my relationship with my dad, all because my mom couldn't stand the idea of me loving him.

I know there's more I could be doing to get everything I had back, but it's fucking exhausting. Why did she take all those things from me? Just to make herself feel better? Just so she could feel justified about the way she had been treating my dad for 15 years? As soon as he filed for divorce and she lost control of him, all hell broke loose. But why do I have to be the one to pay for that? Why do I have to suffer just so a narcissist doesn't have to feel uncomfortable?

[deaddoberman]

How the fuck did I find 30 angels at the same time?????

[deaddoberman]

My sores are coming back and I have a fever again I'm gonna fucking kill myself

[deaddoberman]

I am so glad you found your person! She seems perfect for you. I hope you two have a long happy life together. It's both refreshing and relieving to see you so happy and content. You were always so sad, so scared, so lonely. This happy side of you is so beautiful. I only wish I could've seen it for myself more. Please live a long, happy life for me.

[deaddoberman]

there were shortcuts into heaven through your eyes

[deaddoberman]

"Well, lovely, it's a bit silly to think because, well, I'll tell you a secret: you're still alive, and you will be for some time now"

--Vir

[deaddoberman]

Tell me something sweet to get me by

Alberta // Florida

[deaddoberman]

TONIGHT I GET TO FINALLY DRINK AFTER TWO WEEKS OF BEING SICK IT IS A BLESSED DAY

[deaddoberman]

I've had quite a few healing dreams over the last few months about Vir. Like my subconscious is trying to help me finally get over her for good. And yet ☝️ I saw one single post from her old (deactivated) tumblr and immediately started crying. So, uh, still working on it I guess...

[deaddoberman]

My theory (if I'm looking at it from an outside perspective) is that I spent so long letting myself think about it while I was so young, reliving the moments over and over again in my head, that it became a huge part of the way my brain developed. I ran those same neural pathways so many times that my brain physically developed to associate feeling sad with the hurt I felt about Vir. There will always be times when I feel sad, so that means there are always times when I miss Vir. I know next to nothing about neuroscience, but I think my theory could have some truth to it.

[deaddoberman]

I've had quite a few healing dreams over the last few months about Vir. Like my subconscious is trying to help me finally get over her for good. And yet ☝️ I saw one single post from her old (deactivated) tumblr and immediately started crying. So, uh, still working on it I guess...