No, I love your response. I love this.
And obviously, toxic masculinity definitely doesn’t clearly cover all of it, not even like 10%. But, I do think that the world Dean grew up in was so heavily steeped in it that it inherently shapes all of his potential coping mechanisms.
John was already pretty well shaping that before Mary died, based on what little we see of Dean’s earliest childhood.
Bobby was so terrified of being his father that he shut down most of his emotions.
Mary came from Samuel’s family which we all know sucked and had really sexist garbage opinions.
Dean’s trauma and Dean’s need to find his own way are undeniable. I don’t think that there is any possible way in the canon universe that a therapist could help Dean. But, Dean as he imagines himself in 2x20, that Dean could have been helped with therapy.
By the end of the show, Dean knows himself so much better and I think he could have healed himself (not that the writers ever would have given him that since they thought the perfect ending was him alone for decades with just his car and the road, until Sammy could be there).
I just see Dean’s self hatred and his depression and his anxiety and I see where it started with his dad and the performative masculinity and I see my relationship with my mother. Even if Mary never died, I don’t think Dean would have escaped the mental health issues he ended up with. The triggers would have been different. The trauma different.
I just also think he never had a person who was going to be there for him to accomplish that. Nobody was ever willing to live for him, live with him. They all kept leaving him, whether they claimed it was for him or some other reason. When he needed reassurance that he was worthy, he never got it.
Now, this is a shitty explanation based on my personal experience, but I hated myself and I thought I deserved to suffer, so even when I wanted to die, I never would have done it. My mother was abusive. My father didn’t stop her. My exes cheated on me, left because they loved someone else, or their mom told them I wasn’t good enough and so they dumped me. My best friend shared personal conversations and I was threatened with police action because her other friend was more important than my venting staying private. By the time I met my now-husband, I couldn’t accept any compliments. Even a throwaway like you’re cute would send me into tears because I was so ugly and worthless. But, unlike everyone who told me I was being ridiculous or I was wrong, he just held me and he persisted in complimenting me.
Years later, after we moved into our first apartment, I had a major depressive episode with literal moments where I blacked out and woke up crying on the floor when I tried to go to work. No matter how mad I got or how I tried to push him away, he stayed. He asked for more info. He learned to give me space when I needed to breathe. He pushed me to talk to my doctor, but never forced me or gave an ultimatum. When I did tell my doctor and got put on meds, he was proud of me and supportive.
Years after that, things were getting to be too much, so he pushed me to look for a therapist. My anxiety was too much, so he looked into it, got some recs, and gave me options. I picked someone, but couldn’t bring myself to contact him and schedule. Instead of forcing me or insulting me, my husband called for me.
But, what made all of it work was that he stayed. He didn’t do the work for me, but he supported me. Even when I felt like I sucked, he didn’t jump ship.
Dean never had that. The person who just complimented him and just held him when he felt it was too much. The person who stayed, when Dean felt the other shoe was going to drop. The person who listened and adapted to his needs, even though they had no personal experience with it. The person who encourages him to find the help he needs on his schedule.
Therapy might not help Dean. Medication might not help Dean. But, I think having a person who is ready to stay and wait out his episodes and ride the waves would make all the difference. I think it would give him the safety and space to figure out how to heal. Just like he never had a physical home and he nested at the bunker, Dean also never had a person who was also his home.
vaporwave
origamiaround
turnnoffyourmind
yousharknotpass
dededos
areudirty
romaincrisis
