[dear--mia]

Yeah

Since this summer, about August, I’ve had plans to reach out to the counseling center on my school’s campus. I kept making plans to, but the would bail and be like “the timing isn’t right, I’ll do it later” and it wasn’t even like I was avoiding it bc of my ed or anything, I was just like, later. I mean, I probably subconsciously didn’t want to get help bc them I wouldn’t have an excuse if I relapsed but still. I’ve gone back to here a few times since then, fasting ad restricting for a bit, but then will have a normal diet again. But since about September, everything has been way worse.

I’ve been having massive anxiety attacks out of no where, and I’ll get really sad and all this crap. There was one night I was going to a party with my friends and for some reason right before I left to get ready at my friend’s house, I just got so overwhelmed and started crying. I ended up making it to her house but then I broke down again.

Things were okay. I had a lot of moments when I felt sad and would want to just go home, but any time I was out with friends I would just slap on a smile and pretend I was fine. No one really noticed so that was nice, but I definitely noticed my happiness becoming more and more fake.

I had a formal event for my sorority the other night. It was on Friday and I have classes Friday until 2. My friend who I made pregame plans with was like “okay, lets try to be ready super early so we can take pictures outside before the sun goes down” bc of course, it’s November and the sun goes down at like 5. And I was just like okay I’ll try but that might be hard. Basically, I didn’t even start getting ready until like 4:30 cus I had so much other shit to do. I felt off all day but just kept ignoring it and then I picked up my dress from the dry-cleaners and I was a little frustrated bc it wasn’t my ideal dress but I got it so last minute that I didn’t really have a choice. So yeah, got to my friends to get ready and already was pissed off.

I end up doing like half of my makeup, getting frustrated, kept looking at myself in the mirror and hating what I saw, so I had a breakdown. I had one at like 5:15, then my friend tried to help and I got frustrated again so I crying again, but then I calmed down enough to like fix everything. I was pretty much done but then I tried to fix part of my makeup but I honestly just looked at myself and was so frustrated that nothing was going right (bc every time I tried to fix some part of my makeup or something, something else would fuck up.) And I just hated how I looked and how I was so excited for this event but everything was fucking up so I just broke down. And it was one of those where you watch every part of you crumble. My face just fell and I lost it. I cried for a while and then got my shit back together. I felt really bad bc my friends kept trying to talk to me and I kinda yelled at one of them like twice. I didn’t mean for it to come out how it did, I honestly thought I would be able to control my voice/tone, and I intended on just saying whatever it was, but I ended up yelling and it came out so rude.

But anyway, we finally left and my makeup was definitely not as good as I had wanted but I just sorta had to deal. I brought a bottle of vodka with me and my friends and I drank in our car before leaving with our big group on a bus and I ended up finishing half of the bottle in about 20 minutes. Sooo I pretty much got trashed way too fast. But I was happy. I was ignoring everything that was wrong and actually put in a lot of effort to be happy and enjoy myself. So my sorority got onto the buses and I was fortunate enough to get a seat, and everything was great, but then we were like half way to the venue and I started crying again. It just hit me. I don’t even know what triggered it but I just got so upset and couldn’t stop.

I stopped enough once we got to the venue to check in, but then I went to the bathroom and just had a complete breakdown. All of these people were staring at me and asking if I was okay and it was so embarrassing. I tried to collect myself enough to get some food but that didn’t last long. So I went back to the bathroom and my friend’s were like “srsly dude we can’t help if you don’t tell us what’s going on” and I guess I felt bad for leaving them in the dark and I was pretty drunk, plus I really needed to say it, so I told them that my ed was coming back and in the past few weeks I’ve thought about killing myself like 3 or 4 times. I like collapsed into my friends arms at the end, and I just felt like I couldn’t breath. It was so awful. I ended up going home and all these people kept coming up to me while I waited for my ride. People I didn’t even know. It was so embarrassing.

The next day I felt so weird bc that was the first time I ever had such a public breakdown. So many people saw. A couple asked me what was going on the next day, but I just said I was fine.

I told my one friend I was going to make an appointment with the counseling center on Monday. A part of me thinks I kinda have to bc I have been putting it off for far too long and Friday night just proved that this shit doesn’t just go away. I used to have more control over it but I think that’s bc it was full force. Like I was purging and restricting, but at this point I’ve been ignoring it and trying to just eat normally while hating myself. Essentially, I don’t have any control over the situation and it just took over. Say fuck you, this is happening. I literally could not stop crying, it was horrible.

But, at the same time, I really don’t want to go. I want to start this “diet” again and I’m nervous that if I seek help, I’ll actually get better, but probably for only a temporary amount of time, making me hate myself even more later for being so stupid. I don’t know.

OH and this is not as related, but so I’ve sorta become friends with this dude right? We sometimes talk in person, but for some reason we snap chat all the time. But so him, myself, my really good friend, and a couple other of his fraternity brothers sit together at lunch like twice a week so we’re all familiar with each other. But so he snapchatted me a few weeks ago asking if my friend would be his date to his fraternities formal. I asked her and she said she would go, but only if I went too, So basically, this kid needs to find me a date to their formal. So yesterday, the day after my breakdown, he asked me if my friend was still going with him, and I said yeah, as long as he found me a date. (the deal was also with another one of our friends, too. So this kid had to find a date for me and one other girl, but she’s not as close as me and the girl the dude wants to take) but so then he goes “hmm, maybe I should look for another date” I was like woooooow. But so I just said “lol ok” and he goes “I don’t really know your friend that well anyway” I was honestly amazed. That was just sorta the icing on the cake. Like I know a lot of his brothers, am friends with majority of them. And guys typically don’t want to take girls they are just friends with to formals bc they’d rather take girls they’re interested in or whatever, but usually if they aren’t talking to a girl, they’ll just take a friend. But this guy asked their group and hasn’t gotten any answers. So basically no one wants to take me. And while I don’t know for a fact why, it’s really fucking hard not to assume it’s because I’m so fucking fat and gross and ugly. If I were skinnier and prettier I’m sure someone would be like yeah, for sure. But no. They all would rather go alone then take me. Feels fucking awful. 

I’ve been having a lot of urges to kill myself again but every time, I think “no, I have to be skinny first”

[dear--mia]

I had a mini stunt where I had to eat bc of school/outside org stuff but now that it’s over I’m back. Restricting and starving and purging. I had two pieces of toast yesterday. I haven’t had anything to eat today. Tomorrow I’m going to wake up early, do a workout, and eat one piece of plain toast. I’ll be fine until 2:00 but that’s my second class of the day and every time I try to starve myself, my stomach makes those awful sounds. I do not want to draw attention to myself so I might have some crackers or something. I’m sick. I’m sick and I know it. I wanted to seek help. I planned on seeking help, but I kept putting it off and now I don’t want any. I’m so big it’s so disgusting. I used to be so thin. I hate myself for getting to this point. I stopped at around 140 pounds. While my goal weight was 120, I never made it there. That was 3 years ago. I’ve gone back and forth with this disease over that time, and now I’m almost at 200. That’s so scary to me, and I’m so ashamed to admit it. I have a panic attack every time I even think about reaching 200. I have to lose weight. I want to be little again. I want my brothers to not be embarrassed that I’m their little sister. I want my parents to at least think I’m healthy. I want my friends to stop thinking of me as the fat friend. I want everyone to stop thinking of me as fat. I want to stop being fat.

[dear--mia]

My friend invited me to dinner so now I'm about to eat a shit of food. Idk if I'll be able to purge but I guess we'll find out

[dear--mia]

Lmao guess who's back on her bullshittttt

About a month ago I had this epiphany about my ed. Like the reason behind and and how to control it. And then I kept thinking about it, and when I was really bad and how my life is now. And then I thought about going to therapy at my school bc I think that's something that might help, and I thought now would be a great time to do so since I'm not bad and I'm not at the point where I want to stop. But I couldn't bc I had classes and work and things. So I decided once my schedule settles down. So it's been a few weeks since I decided to go, and I still haven't, and now I don't want to. I think since I thought about it so much I actually triggered myself back into it. I was lying to myself when I said "I'm at a good place rn" like bullshit, I just ignore it, that's the only reason why. So now I've gone 31 hours without eating. I could've gone longer but I decided to eat lunch which I really didn't need to do. It's not like my friends were with me. I totally could have just gone in my room and not have eaten. I could have even skipped breakfast and not have eaten even longer. I also decided to eat lunch at like 4 or 4:30. I had so much going on that I didn't realize the time when I ate so that also adds to the less time. But anyway, I woke up this morning at like 4:30 in the morning and couldn't fall back asleep so I did a work out. Felt so good today. I was sore for the first time in so long. I'm not going to eat tomorrow for most of the day but my one friend wants to get dinner. I share a bathroom with my roommate now so idk how I'm gonna be able to purge but I'll figure it out. I'm also kinda mad at myself for having this take over right after I bought almost $200 worth of groceries. Literally all of that to waste. Whatever, let's see how this goes

[dear--mia]

Day 3

Originally I was going to write a brief intro and apologize for only doing text posts now, and then go say what I ate today but then my explanation got super long so now I’m going to write what I ate up here and my explanation under “keep reading”

Breakfast: 2 belvita breakfast crackers (110)

Lunch: nothing (0)

Dinner: Idk; my friends texted me if I wanted to cook with them today but I have no groceries (ironic) & I’m going to Scotland tomorrow so I just picked up a salad and some fruit from a store on the way home. The UK writes out their nutrition in a very strange way, or they won’t write it at all. In this case, my food didn’t say how many calories so idk but yeah, that’s where I’m at today.

So first of all, I’ve realized this time around is way different than the last, and even more different than my first time for multiple reasons.

1. I’m only blogging to talk about my day rather than reblogging stuff. This is more of an observation than a statement, but I think it’s because I’m so busy. Either way, it’s helping/stopping me from getting into that mind set of ana/mia. Helping me in the sense that I’m able to not think about this stuff so I can “get better”, but I also say stopping me bc I don’t 100% want to get better.

2. I’m so different from who I was Junior year of high school, and my life has different obstacles and whatnot. Like I was thinking the other day about how long I did this for and how dedicated I was, and I’m honestly amazed/shocked and a little scared. I feel like a big part of this was because of high school, my dad, and softball. Those were constant negative aspects of my life, but now I’m surrounded by people I like in a city I’m in love with and so I don’t have as much negative energy around me. And I’m not comparing myself as often because there aren’t as many things to compare myself to. Overall, I’m at a better mindset than I was when I was 17. Which granted, I’m 21 now, it’s not all too surprising that I’m more comfortable/confident in myself, but I guess I never noticed until now how drastic it was. Like I’m at such a better point in my life, and not just bc I haven’t been engulfed by mia/ana in like 6 months. 

3) I think this time I’m going to restrict/fast but then also give in and eat, but I can’t purge bc I live in a flat with 5 other people and there’s only 2 bathrooms we all share. I don’t know when people are or are not home and I can’t necessarily stay in the bathroom puking for an hour or so, especially without anyone hearing. So I kind of have to deal with it when I eat, which definitely isn’t going to help lose any weight, but also I think will again, help me avoid the ana/mia thoughts. Like I won’t feel like I have to get rid of food when I eat it bc I literally can’t get rid of it. But at the same time, I’m fine with this until something goes wrong or I’m triggered by something. Then I’ll fall right back where I was the other day at the beginning of all of this and decide I won’t eat and I shouldn’t have been eating at all these last few days. It’s a vicious cycle, honestly. Also, I guarantee once my brother comes to visit me, or once it gets nicer out and it’s bathing suit season, I’m gonna regret all of this.

This is going to sound terrible but I honestly wish I never stopped senior year. The summer between my junior and senior year I ate so much more than I did my entire year as a junior, but I still did restrict and binge. But then senior year is what ruined it. I could have been better but I started giving in, and then eventually it stopped. I mean, I definitely struggled senior year, but not nearly as much as the year before. And freshman year/sophomore year it would come back but definitely not as often. It would be like a few days or a week and then that’d be it. But if I stuck it out all throughout high school, and then even if I stopped in college, which at that point it might have been too late to turn back, but still, I’d have stopped at a weight that was better. I always think about how people thought I was so thin at the end of junior year/beginning of senior year. If I kept it up as much as I did junior year over the summer and throughout senior year, I can’t imagine how much thinner I would have been. I would have definitely gotten to my goal weight. I lost at least 20 pounds junior year. Holy shit that’s crazy. I just wanted to get to 120. That’s still my goal weight. But I’ve gained so much weight since then and now if I did start up, I’d be starting from scratch and I just don’t have the energy. Especially abroad.

[dear--mia]

Hi

I was going to see if I could fast today but this afternoon my friend asked if I wanted to get dinner tonight and I couldn’t really say no so I had a salad and a small pasta dish on the side. I just picked it up from a small local grocery store and weirdly I couldn’t find the calories but I managed to go about 30 hours without eating.

Tomorrow I think I can fast but this weekend I’m definitely going to have to eat. 

I’m abroad this semester so I only have so many friends and we all live together so it’s sorta hard to whole up and avoid food when everyone knows what and when we’re eating, mainly bc we all eat or cook together. But so I think my fasts might be short lived, so I’m going to try to just keep my calories down every day.

I read that you burn more fat if you only ingest 400-500 calories in one day versus 200-300 so I may do that on the days I can eat. Idk if fasting one day and then eating a little another day is the most efficient or effective way to go about this or if I should eat a little every day but I’ll just see what happens.

[dear--mia]

Guess who’s back

The last time I was on was easy last semester, like September I think.. It’s now the end of March and I’ve been abroad since Jan. It’s been awesome but recently I’ve been having ed tendencies again. Like restricting and avoiding food. But then I’ll binge. Most of the semester I’ve been normal and like actually eating regular food and cooking dinners that are healthy. 

But the other night I had a pretty bad melt down. I texted one of my friends that has known about my ed for a few years but I never would text him whenever I’d struggle again. But yeah, he like calmed me down but I’ve decided I’m going to do this again. 

I started up today at around 5:00. I couldn’t sleep so I ate a bit during the night but I know for a fact that I haven’t eaten anything past 5:00. So that’s like 19 hours under my belt for my first fast in a very long time. Idk how I’m going to avoid food tomorrow but I know Thursday I can avoid it bc I have class literally all day. But this weekend I’m going to Scotland with a friend so I’m going to have to eat this weekend, but I’m going to try to restrict as much as possible and eat salads and such.

I’m kind of excited to get back into this. The feeling of being hungry is something I’ve weirdly missed. My stomach has been hungry all day and it honestly feels so good. 

This came out of no where, not gonna lie. Like the past week I’ll get these fleeting thoughts about starting up again but I never thought too much about it. I think what started it was this conversation I had with this prick of a kid the other week. We were talking about tattoo’s and I mentioned mine so he asked what it was of, and I showed him but I didn’t tell him what it was for, and he just sorta mocked it. It stands for my ed and the struggle I’ve had with it, but he didn’t deserve to know that, but then he was super pretentious about it and I was like “okay.” I think that’s where it came from but I’m not completely positive, to be honest. But I mean, this isn’t the first time I’ve randomly picked this stuff up again so... Hopefully I can keep up with it.

[dear--mia]

I have an accounting test in a few hours and I’m not prepared at all. I need a good grade though bc I’m currently failing and I need at least a C. I’m honestly fucked this semester & I hate myself. I’ve been having a panic attack all day 

[zeitaufwand]

[the-pain-that-smiles-hide]

I’m just tired of disappointing everyone

(via the-pain-that-smiles-hide)

[dreamsuggestion-deactivated2019]

no one ever seems to be scared of losing me

[black-to-the-bones-deactivated2]

Repost to make a racist angry

[larmoyante]

Even if you know what’s coming, you’re never prepared for how it feels.

(via fauthist)

[egberts]

am I overreacting or do I have a valid reason to feel the way I do: a novel by me

[the-pain-that-smiles-hide]

You cannot possibly imagine the intensity of the self hatred I am capable of harbouring towards myself

(via the-pain-that-smiles-hide)

[love-personal]

[fat-thin-skinny]

…

[extinctosaur]