Dear cody

[dear-cody-s]

Day 27: Dear Cody,

It's been awhile. Sorry about that. A lot has happened in my life and everything feels a bit heavy. I guess I just needed to talk to my friend.

So where do I begin? I got into film school. It's been a challenge, but I would be lying if I said I didn't love it. I was always so afraid for people to read my work. I've never been the most intelligent or grammatically correct, so that was a struggle in the beginning. It's been great though. I may not have started writing that perfect script yet but I'm getting there...slowly.

I've met some new people who are pretty cool. I was worried that I would shut myself off from people in college, but I feel I've opened myself up a bit more. This pretty much means that people have to listen to my terrible attempts at humour, but they deal with me well.

I have surprisingly stayed in touch with my good friends in high school. I was always terrified about losing those people. That group of friends from high school helped shaped the person I am today and are the few people I can be myself with. I know people say you make your best friends in college and not high school, which may be true in the long run, but I could never leave my high school friends behind. Yeah sometimes we feel a bit distant from each other and we don't always talk, but it's comforting knowing that they are there if I need them.

Things are going great, generally. I think I am in a much better place than I was a few months ago. It was a long process to get to this point, and I still have a long way to go. It's a never ending battle, but I am ready to charge forward with sword in hand.

However as great as things have been I have been struggling a bit lately. Right now I am starting to feel a bit disconnected from everyone. Mostly my friends, but some of my family as well. Some days I feel back to normal, but some days I can go without hardly talking to anyone and no one makes an effort to talk to me. It's not entirely everyone's fault. I tend to get in moods and distance myself from everyone, afraid to be emotional and vulnerable. I've been putting my walls up a lot. 

I have also been feeling a bit inadequate lately. It comes eventually when you delve into art. I always have a habit to compare and notice the striking contrast between my work and others, mine feeling like the inferior piece. It's been hard getting past that. I know my writing is not terrible, and some of it I am pretty proud of, but it's hard when being compared to the great writers around me. I guess I am just waiting to write that one great thing that will make me feel worthy enough to stand up next to the people I am working with.

But yeah, things are good, generally. I'm sorry I haven't written. Maybe I will try my best to write more because I think it helps. I miss really talking to someone about things.

[dear-cody-s]

Day 26: Dear Cody,

I don't really know what to say. Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Why write if I have nothing to say, right?

It's not that I have nothing to say, it's like there's too much to say; too much wanting to rush to the surface. However, it feels like I can't get it all out, so it just sits beneath it and manifests and eats you alive.

You've heard it all before, it's really nothing new. The same shit that just keeps piling on and evolves into sleepless nights and tear stained pillows; to silent conversations and pleas for help.

But that's all it is really: shit.

Some days are better than others, I will say. Not all of them are really that bad, and I am more fortunate than most. I have a job, I have a moderately loving family, I have a small handful of decent friends and I will hopefully be going to school soon. I should be happy, but it's never that easy.

Right now, I am left with being hopelessly disconnected. I am not really sure if that is worst or better. Most days I feel like I am just drifting or staying afloat. I feel as if I am coasting through life without really taking it in, and I am not sure if that is worse or better.

Sometimes it's better to avoid the pain, but at the same time you miss the good.

If I was smart I would stop writing these damn letters and go talk to someone who can truly help. While you are a fine listener, I'm not really sure this is helping. It used to feel good just to let it out and move on. It used to feel good to have someone listen and not respond.

It used to work.

Maybe it's the fact that I haven't written in ages, or the fact that I tend to focus on the bad rather than the good, but I know something needs to change.

I guess I just don't know what it is yet.

Maybe I just need a sign, huh? Can you give that to me?

Until next time, Your friend

[dear-cody-s]

Day 25: Dear Cody,

In only a few short hours it will be a new year. While 2013 felt extremely underwhelming and was one of the most stressful/difficult years I have had to experience in my short 19 years, I have hope for the year to come.

Now I understand it is new years eve, which is a time where resolutions are created in the moment and ignored the day after, but I want it to be different this time.

While I have found a small job at a coffee shop, giving me some sort of income and some sort of purpose, I feel creatively drained. I haven't made too many efforts to write, or to film or to take photos; these things being things that I adore. And while my writing and grammar may be shit, as exemplified in these posts, and I may not be the most creative individual with a camera, it's what I love; it's what I want to focus on for the rest on my life.

So while the bar may be set far too high-blame the ambitious nature inside me-I want to finally start writing my book, I want to finally start making some short films and writing them. 

2014 will be different, I can feel it. Whether I fail in my endeavours or succeed in big ways, I will not feel the way I did in 2013.

I am ready for a new beginning.  

[dear-cody-s]

Day 24: Dear Cody,

It's been awhile since we've last talked...I'm sorry about that.

It's no fault of you, or really no fault of mine, either. Life has just been life, lately. There hasn't been any regression but there also hasn't been a whole lot of progression, either. Just recurring moments of stillness. That constant feeling of being stuck. And to be honest, I am tired of writing about it. More importantly, I am getting really tired of living it.

But I figured it's been awhile since I've written, so I thought I'd fill you in on what is going on with me. So pardon me if I happen to be redundant here.

Work has been pretty good. I've met a friend or two while working there, so it's kind of nice. A little bit of that loneliness I was feeling is gone. The weight and the feeling of loneliness will always be there, but it feels a little less heavy now.

It's nice.

Working has also helped a little with my social anxiety, I think. Conversations with strangers don't always make me feel panicked. I think being able to smile and pull through while my heart is racing and my cheeks are burning helps. The fact that most people tend not to be assholes helps too, sometimes.

But there are assholes I still encounter, don't be fooled.

Overall it is just nice to get out of the house and nice to interact even though you don't always want to. It also probably helps that it is only a few times a week and I get paid to do it.

Progress.

College applications start again in 2 weeks. I've kind of been trying to keep the thought of it out of my mind. It's difficult because I know I need to complete 3 creative projects and get letters of recommendation to apply again and I haven't started any of it.

I'm nervous.

I mean, that really shouldn't be a surprise. I am sure a lot of people get nervous around this time of year. But this is my second time around the colligate track, and I kind of feel like it's my last shot here. Most of my friends will be entering their second or third year, and I can already feel the drift.

Failure is what it comes down to; my current fear. I am afraid of failing again and losing out on my dreams when they seem almost tangible. Family and friends were supportive before but I am not sure they can handle me missing out on college a second time.

I don't think I can handle it either.

Anyways, I will try and stay in touch and write more. I miss this; being able to talk to you and let it all out.

I miss having someone who will listen.

Until next time,

Your friend

[dear-cody-s]

Day 23: Dear Cody,

I know as of late I have only written to you with news about everything that has gone wrong in my life, and while it was understandably so, today I write to you with news a little less dismal. 

I got a job today!

It just really feels like a breath of fresh air after all of this time. You know, recently it felt like I couldn't catch a break to save my life. I didn't get into school, I felt distant from friends and family, I could hardly make it out of bed most mornings and I just felt like a complete failure in ever sense of the term.

This week I got a call to set up and interview. I never thought it would happen, let alone so quickly, but it did. I was scared as hell and I am still terrified to work my first shift, but I am ready to take it on. I am tried of being afraid of everything and tired of hiding away in my room under covers.

This is my catalyst to spark my fresh start and I am prepared for whatever happens in the next few weeks. For now, I have a purpose. While it may not be a huge purpose, it's something. And I will be forever grateful for it.

[dear-cody-s]

Day 22: Dear Cody,

These days, I feel like I am constantly reassuring people that everything is fine and I am okay. And I feel like if I continue to repeat it, day after day, then maybe one day I'll believe it too.

But right now, I know I'm not fine.

I spend days fighting the urge to scream out for someone. My hands fight the urge to grip to the people closest to me, wanting to pull them close. I drown in silent tears and suffocate behind muffled cries, and I do all these things because I don't want people to worry. I don't want them to question me or feel like they have to walk on eggshells with every conversation.

Also, people got enough shit to deal with, you know? Who am I to add to that?

It gets hard though, especially now. I feel like this year is the most lost I've been in a long time. I'm watching everyone around me live their lives, meet new people and see new places, and I am just stuck watching my life pass before me; too afraid to live it. Too afraid of failure.

I hate it.

This fear that has become me. The fear that keeps me chained to my bed, hidden under covers. The fear that makes it hard for me to leave my own home, to start a conversation, to keep eye contact, to keep in touch with friends, to find a job, to take public transportation, to visit friends and many other things.

I feel caged. And yet, I hold both the lock and the key. I just have lost the ability and understanding of how to use them.

[dear-cody-s]

Day 21: Dear Cody,

I am completely lost.

I'm not really sure how I got to this place. Only a month or so ago I was feeling so horribly optimistic about my future. The idea of college and a fresh start was within reach and I was ready for it all, despite my fears. And now, I have become horribly pessimistic and I don't know how to make it better.

I don't know how to find my way again.

For these last few months, going to film school was my dream. It didn't really matter whether I was a screenwriter, or an editor or a director, I just wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to be a part of the magic that translates into films in television shows. Shows that can make you laugh or cry, that can piece you together or rip you apart. I wanted to be a part of it. Too often I was that girl who sat infront of the TV alone, trying to find her story within various worlds and characters. Or, too often, I was looking for a way to escape my reality for just a little while.

Film and televsion saved me some days, and I just wanted to provide that for someone. My biggest dream is to leave my mark in the world, or impact someone. I longed for the day when my words or my projected scene would make someone laugh, or smile or feel less alone.

All my life I've wanted to help people.

But fate has a way of kicking me in the ass, and I can't even remember the last time I had even the slightest sliver of luck. When my dream was within reach, almost completely tangible, it was taken away from me.

I was left empty handed.

All the people who laughed when I said I wanted to go to film school, all the people who called my stupid and "blonde," all the people who said I wouldn't make something of myself...well...they were right.

I think that part killed me the most.

Looking into the eyes of all the people who already gave up on me and who already thought less of me got to have their final laugh. Feeling that cloud of disapointment and regret was too much to handle.

I tried so hard to pick myself back up. I took a literature course to make up the missing credit and worked my ass off to finish the course in less than 3 weeks when the minimum time is takes is 4-5.

I worked so hard, and yet, no one is willing to do the same for me. All my life it seems that teachers and authority figures have been setting me up to fail. And that kills me when I try so hard to succeed, and I get so close, only to have it taken away.

I have my exam in a couple of days but I have lost all my motivation. Realistically, college is not an option. And I don't know how I am going to survive another year on my own while my friends go out and live their lives.

Maybe you can work your magic up there and help me out?

I could really use someone on my side right now.

[dear-cody-s]

Day 20: Dear Cody,

I feel like it's been forever since we last talked. And it seems that while I was gone things changed for me. Life around me just started to feel suddenly different, you know? It feels that everything has changed around me, and yet, it still also feels remarkably the same.

There is a moment  that may have encouraged this "change," which I will talk about. But, I don't know. It was like I woke up one morning and looked at my life and said 'It's going to be different from here. You can be different from here. Change can happen and the world won't stop spinning.'

The thought is terrifying, really. The idea that I can choose how people view me. I can disguise the dirty details of my life and paint a perfect picture. Maybe I can break free of this shy, withdrawn shell I've created for myself. Maybe I can start over.

I'm kind of excited at the prospect. Maybe not the hiding who I truly am, but the stepping out of my shell part. It get's really lonely behind the walls I've put up, you know?

These thoughts and ideas sparked when I took my college tour. There was something about walking around, taking in the sights, and feeling like I was somehow home. I got this sense of belonging, even though I didn't know anyone. It opened up the possibility of discover; discovery of who I am and what I want. I got the feeling that 'here is where I will make lifelong friends and maybe find myself a little along the way.'

I had been nervous about the tour for weeks prior. That I would get there and I would get that feeling and it would just feel like a huge mistake. But then I got that feeling and it just seemed to click into place.

I'm still scared as hell. I'm worried about classes, worried that I won't meet anyone and worried about being in a foreign environment in general, but I am also really excited. I'm hungry for purpose and I think I just found some. 

Until next time,

Your friend

[dear-cody-s]

Day 19: Dear Cody,

I saw your parents today. It had been awhile since I last truly saw them or really had a conversation with them, so it was nice to sit with them-even if it was only for an hour or so. I am always so terribly shy, so I didn't really say much. I just listened to them make small talk with my parents. I would answer questions here and there, but I mostly kept to myself.

Looking at them now, you wouldn't know the pain the still lingers in their hearts. Or that after 8 years of your passing, tears still fall from their eyes at the mention of your name.

It was our awards banquet, as I am sure you know. Awards were passed out and a small lunch intermission had commenced before the second round of awards were to be handed out. After the intermission, they brought out your remembrance award. I watched as your father downed the rest of his coffee, trying to keep the tears at bay. I watched as he reached for your mother's hand, gripping as tight as he could when they started to talk about you. The tears began to fall, eyes reddening. Your father tried to keep his hands busy, maybe just trying to focus on something else so he didn't completely break down. I, sitting across from them, had to hold back my own tears. I was surrounded by a room of people who either hardly knew you or never knew you at all, and it suddenly felt like too much, you know?

They talked about you and your dedication to sports and to life in general. They shared small anecdotes about you, and I couldn't help but think of your funeral. When they were talking about how you always wanted to go to California and you saved enough to go, but never got the chance to make it there. I remember being only 11, crying in the pews and not really knowing why, but also not being able to find a way to stop. So I just let my mom hold me while I tried to make sense of the world through a fragile mind.

When I was called up to receive the award, I hugged your parents extra tight and gave the biggest thumbs up in your honour. You were taken far too early for your time, but I'm trying my best to make you proud wherever you are.

Until next time,

Your friend

[dear-cody-s]

Day 18: Dear Cody,

Tonight was the night of your memorial fireworks. Around a 100 people gathered tonight to watch as various colours flickered across the sky, lighting up their faces. And as they all stood and watched-ooing and awing- I don't think any of them knew how important this night was. These people didn't know you like I did. Tonight was just another night for them.

But I watched as your dad yelled at the top of his lungs, trying to be heard over the crowd. I watched as he got teary eyed at the mention of your name, as he always does after all these years. I watched his hand cover his heart when the words were lost on his tongue, his voice lost in the crowd. And when he yelled for everyone to give a thumbs up-your signature move left in the world- I held my hand as high as I could, even though there were only a few of us who held up our hands at all. Only a few of us understood.

I filmed every minute of it on my camera, feeling the colours across my skin and hearing the echoes in the distance. This year, these fireworks meant more to me. They meant more to me because in a crowd of people, I was one of the few who truly knew you. To everyone else in the crowd you were just a name, and I feel bad for them, because they didn't know what a joy you were as a person. It was as if the fireworks were bursts of your personality and soul spread throughout the sky, spreading light in the dark. The colours and flashes bringing joy and laughter to the people. It was so completely you. So I guess for one night, people had a chance to know who you are.

When the fireworks were over, I walked over to the banner that held the many pictures of you. It still surprises me each time to see them. To see how young you look, only 12. And when I was young, you still looked so old to me. But as the years go on-I almost 19 now-it surprises me to see that young boy staring back at me. Though as I stared at your young face, I still can't help but feel as if you are still older than me, wiser even. I don't think that feeling will ever disappear.

So I hope you got to see the show tonight, though I am sure you did. I hope you caught everyone of those lanterns that flew into the sky, and I hope you hold them close to your heart. There are still people down here who will always miss you and will never forget you.

Until next time,

Your friend

[dear-cody-s]

Day 17: Dear Cody,

I feel like breaking down. I just want to drop everything, scream at the top of my lungs, cry like I'm not scared of someone hearing me and I want to hit something and watch it shatter into a million pieces. I want to lose control, if only this one time, but I can't.

People are depending on me, you know? People are expecting a lot out of me. I'm going to go to college, get a job, get good grades, keep a social life and do it all with ease.

I feel like I'm not allowed to break down.

Recently my mom and I had a conversation about my dad and my brother's drinking. She says if it weren't for me some days, she would plead insanity and find a way to leave. I know she was joking, but it felt like there was some truth in there. Like, somehow, I am the glue that holds her together. She is the rock that holds everyone else together, but somehow I am her rock. That's a lot of pressure on my shoulders.

I feel like I am not allowed to be angry, sad or frustrated. I mean, I'm young right? It's not like I do anything but sit around all day, so what is there to complain about? Nothing bad has ever happened to me, so why am I even whining?

My day has been reduced to looking for vodka bottles around the house, totaling the amount up. I get repeatedly rejected for jobs, but yelled at for not trying hard enough. I spend my days alone, barely speaking to anyone besides my parents.

I'm scared, I'm lonely, I'm angry and I'm frustrated, but I can't let it show.

I can't let it show because my family is depending on me, my friends are depending on me and you're depending on me. You're depending on me to live for us both and I'm not holding up my end of the bargain, and I'm sorry for that. It's just gets hard, you know?

So I'll continue to cry in silence, to ball my fists in anger and release them, to be there for everyone else because that's all I am supposed to do.

Until next time,

Your friend

[dear-cody-s]

Day 16: Dear Cody,

I used to be scared of the future. I mean, granted I think I will always be nervous of what is to come and what lies ahead, I am human, but for now I am content with how life is beginning to lay itself out.

Originally I had taken an extra semester of high school because I didn't feel ready to move on. I wasn't ready to break routine and I wasn't yet prepared for what the unknown world had to offer. The future seemed dark and ominous, something that I was not intrigued to venture into.

But as the time stretched on into days, into weeks and into months, it was no longer the future that seemed so dark. The world around me began drastically changing-a dark cloud constantly hovering.

Depression began sinking in. This mass that lives inside and surrounds you-takes control. It dictates your entire life, and it was greatly destroying mine with each passing day.

I couldn't fall asleep at night, my focus was shot, my grades and attendance were dropping, I was distancing myself from the people I loved and cared about. My emotions, much like large bodies of water with the constant change from calm, stillness to raging.

And then one day, I decided to look ahead. To really regard the future and to stop shying away because of my preconceptions of what it had to offer. And as I sat there, amongst the darkness, the future seemed so bright in comparison. It held so much potential that I was too afraid to explore.

So yes the future is scary and I will always be afraid of what tomorrow may offer, but I am not going to shy away from it anymore. I am going to approach what lies ahead with as much courage as I can muster up because ignoring what lies ahead is not worth the darkness that I live in now.

[dear-cody-s]

Day 15: Dear Cody,

Lately I've been feeling utterly drained. Like I can never get enough sleep, or there aren't enough hours in the day. Like all the creativity that used to exist inside me, however great or small that used to be, has diminished into nothing. Like nothing I create is worth it anymore.

I'm trying so hard to write lately, but every sentence I write down is deleted seconds later. I am constantly concerned that I am just wasting my time. That maybe I should write in 1st person...no maybe 3rd?. That the characters are rubbish. That it's not long enough. There's not enough detail, or maybe there's too much.

I think I the end of the day, I am so fixated on being great at something that I lose all of my creative energy to trying to be perfect. Which is strange because I believe beauty is in the imperfection. Imperfection makes us human, it makes us relate, but that doesn't make me stop.

I think the idea of wanting to be great at something really takes over, you know? Everyone I know is great at something and I just feel like I haven't found my greatness yet.

I have a friend who is a great artist/photographer, I have my brainy friends, I have my friends who are great at sports, I have my friends that are true comedians, but I just seem to be lost in the middle. Yes I love photography, I'm not too bad with academics, I play a few sports and I try to crack a joke here and there. However, I'm not great. And I guess I am just searching for myself. I'm searching for that label. That label the signifies what I am great at and signifies who I am.

And maybe that's why it's draining. It's draining because at the end of the day, I'm trying to find out who I really am and every day I draw a blank, much like my blank book pages. 

[dear-cody-s]

Day 14: Dear Cody,

I need to change. Right now, I am not happy with the person I've become. I have become this sorry version of myself, letting my emotions dictate my life and my choices. I am tired of sheltering myself because I too sad or too angry. It's no way to live.

I don't want to be scared to live. I don't want to have any regrets as I lie on my death bed. I don't want to lay there, my life flashing before my eyes, wishing I had taken certain opportunities instead of shying away because I was too afraid of the outcomes.

I have dreams. I want to save up a few thousand dollars, grab a few good friends and drive across the country in an old van. I want to backpack across Europe. I want to film everything, photograph everything or write everything down. I don't want a 9-5 job in an office, waking up to a life I never wished for. I no longer want the routine I have come to live by all these years. I want to take the day as it comes, meet new people and see new places.

If I have taken anything from your death, it is that life can be gone in an instant. That one second you're here and the next you're not. We are not guaranteed tomorrow, so why waste today? 

I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to be afraid of what people think of me. I don't want to be afraid to put myself out there, or to put my work out there, just because I am afraid of failure. Just because I am afraid of being judged or rejected. 

But failure is a part of life, as bad as it may seem. If you don't put yourself out there, if you don't try to live and accomplish your goals, then you're not really living, are you? If you are not willing to fail than you are not willing to succeed. 

So, yesterday, I started to write. I outlined the first 5 chapters of my novel and I began writing the prologue. And I may have only written 2 pages, I may not be 100% happy with it, and I may not be the best writer, but I am trying. That's got to count for something, right?

[dear-cody-s]

Day 13: Dear Cody,

My stress has been really bad recently. And though I have always been bad with stress, being an avid procrastinator and all, it has truly reached new heights recently.

As of late, though horribly embarrassing to admit, my stress levels have gotten so high that i have recently had an eczema flare up. Now to put this into perspective, I've only had a flare up one other time in my life, and that is the time I discovered I had eczema.

I don't know. It's just, right now, I feel like I hold the weight of the world upon my shoulders. There is this overwhelming pressure to get a job, to go to school, to keep a social life and to become somebody. It just all feels like too much to handle.

And the sad thing is, things like this never used to get to me. I used to approach life with my head held high and my shoulders back. I was ready and I was strong. Stronger than most people around me. But now, my shoulders slouch under the weight, my eyes easily finding the ground.

The thing is, the people around me still expect me to be this strong person. They still expect me to go through life with no worries and with my head held high. They expect nothing to be wrong with me.

"What do you have to be stressed about, you're young? You sit in your room all day, what could possibly be so stressful about that? Why can't you get a job? Why are you still up?

You're just lazy. You just need a job. You need to stop worrying about stupid things. Just talk to that person, it's not that hard."

If only it were that easy, right? As if I wished this stress upon myself. As if I enjoy staying awake at night, unable to sort through my racing thoughts. As if I like staying in my room all day. As if I like having no friends to talk to. As if it is so easy to ignore my social anxiety.

I would love to, but I can't. I am just hoping one day people will understand and stop typecasting me as their hero and start seeing me as a person with real problems.

[dear-cody-s]

Day 12: Dear Cody,

I am not sure how I feel today. I mean, one minute I am completely happy and then next I succumb to this deep sadness that is buried within myself. And I am not sure what initially sets it off, but I just wish I could just stay in one emotion. This back and forth swinging motion isn't really working out for me. If I am going to be sad, let me be sad and the same goes for me being happy. I am tired of climbing mountains only to fall off the cliff's edge.

Today I do feel I know what set me off. I mean, usually a lot of things set off this emotional imbalance, but today it was kind of narrowed. Today what set me off was my dad's drinking. It's been a problem for awhile, and I do my best to just try and ignore it and move on. Over time, I've gotten quite good at it. Some days, I can almost pretend like it doesn't happen. I can pretend I don't smell the vodka on his breath or see the bottles lying around the house, hidden behind books on dusty selves or in other seemingly good hiding spots. I can sometimes ignore the way he can't remember conversations or past memories, forcing me to re-tell stories countless times.

Sometimes it's fun to pretend.

However, sometimes I can't pretend. So I hide away, avoiding conversation with him. Trying to ignore the fact that while he may be here physically, he's not really here emotionally.

I think it bothers me the most because he always gives me the false hope that he'll stop one day, you know? He goes on about how excited he is to stop and how he is going to be a real dad. And sure it may last a week, maybe even a month, but then he's right back to it, pretending he never made the promise to quit in the first place. 

Or maybe just not remembering that he made the promise in the first place...

And one of the parts that bothers me the most is he always asks me to be his sponsor. It always seems that I become the shoulder to lean on, the crutch if you will. But no daughter should have to be the crutch and the support like that for their father. 

When you are young, you think that your dad is Superman. He knows how to fix everything and he seems to know the answer to every question. He is the strongest person you know, lifting you so high in the air you almost feel like you can fly. And in those days, you were sure you did. But then as you grow older, you realize your father is nothing more than Clark Kent behind the cape and the theatrics. And when Superman becomes Clark Kent and begs you to be his superhero, you're not really sure what to do with the role reversal. You were never supposed to be the hero.

Having to be my father's hero when I am still in need of my own hero is a little heartbreaking. Especially when you fail to save him from his own demise.

[dear-cody-s]

Day 11: Dear Cody,

I feel like every time I write you, life is not going so great and I always seem to be in a bad place. I feel like I am constantly complaining about things, and for that I am sorry. 

However, today I write you with a little more optimism and enthusiasm than usual. These past few days, I have really been trying to better myself. I am tired of being sucked into this dark, bad place I always seem to find myself in. It's not a place I wish to stay, so I am doing my best to find ways to escape it, even if it's not permanent.

For one, I started a memory jar. You may not know what this is, but I will gladly tell you. See each day, you must find one good thing that happen and write it down on a small piece of paper. It can be anything from "had an awesome lunch," to "landed the job!" You then place the piece of paper in a box, or a jar in my case, and at the end of the year, you read them all out. That way, the year doesn't always look as bad as you think it may have been.

I started the memory jar on one of my off days. One of those days where I choose to ignore responsibility and hide away under bed covers. One of those days that I seem to burst into tears and I'm not quite sure why. One of those days where nothing seems or feels right. These days happen more than I like them to recently.

So on that day, I decided I needed to do something about it. I needed to change myself because sitting in my bed wasn't going to make anything better. So I sat there for an hour, writing all the good things I could remember on tiny pieces of paper and depositing them in the mason jar. And slowly instead of crying, I ended up smiling. It was rewarding to know the things I have accomplished, no matter how small and insignificant they may have seemed.

So now, I make sure that every day I do something positive. Even on those tough days, if I get out of bed and manage to make breakfast I count that as a small victory.

Today was one of the days where I didn't feel like I had done anything remotely jarring or positive. I barely left my bed at all. So I sat at my computer, thinking about something I could possibly do to make it worthy of being put in the jar. 

So I started outlining the novel I want to write.

It isn't much, maybe 2 pages of little notes here and there. But it was such a good feeling. It was something that I had wanted to start months ago, but had lost the courage to do so. And though my grammar, spelling and general word choice may not be anything to marvel at, it is something I am looking forward to accomplishing. And I am not sure how long it will take, but I know one day it will be done.

...And maybe there's a space for you in the book as well :)

Until next time,

Your Friend