Dear Dysfunctional Diary... @dear-dysfunctional-diary - Tumblr Blog

I hate myself

Please just make it end

-Kye

11/18/19

Dear Dysfunctional Diary,

I'm not okay. I'm really very not okay. I don't think I've had these many thoughts of suicide in a very long time. I feel like I'm standing on the edge. The only thing keeping me going is knowing losing me is the next worst thing that could happen to her.

Nothing is okay. My heart is so very broken, and I am in so much pain. I'm also so worried about her, and that's something I really don't handle well. I'm so scared she is going to kill herself, and truly if she does that would be the end of me, because she is the only thing keeping me fighting right now.

I feel so miserable and out of control. Until now I've done so good at my job, but I feel like all the confidence/success/passion has been ripped away from me and I don't know how to be okay.

I really wish I was still in therapy. I need it badly right now. I'm just so very not okay.

She knows I'm not okay, but I'm doing my best to keep her from seeing how badly it truly is. I don't want her to know how thin the line I walk is, because she is already going through enough and I don't want to pile on. I love her and I'm so tired of adding onto her daily stressors.

I need her comfort and her love so badly, but she is so not okay she has no way of giving it to me. Truly she probably barley even feels any love for anyone right now, because I know she is so incredibly broken.

And that's okay, but I still want to be wrapped in her arms being told how much she loves me. I just want her. And I have her, but in a lot of ways she isn't here right now. In a lot of ways she is just a walking zombie right now. And I feel so so so badly for her. I would do anything to make her feel better.

I just want to stop the pain, for both of us.

Life isn't fair and I get that.

I'm told all day everyday these things

Life isn't fair

No one is happy

That's just part of life

It doesn't get easier

Being an adult sucks

I KNOW all of this

Those aren't the things I need to know

What I need to know is why I should keep fighting, given that all of that is true.

I don't see a point. I don't get why I, or really anyone who feels the way I do, should be here. It doesn't make sense.

Life sucks and I want out of it.

-Christopher

#trigger warning

Tonight, for the first time in many years

I scared myself

With the way I read the word suicide

With the way I held the blade, and had to fight myself to put it down

I'm not okay

I'm really not okay

And there is nothing I can do and no one i can go to about it

You don't want me to talk to you when I'm suicidal - Christopher (Alter)

Since the first time anyone learned that I wanted to die, I've constantly heard from people about how I should come to them if I'm feeling that way, how they want to listen, how it's the best thing I could do, and worst of all, how it'll save me.

Trust me when I say, if you love me, you don't want to hear these thoughts. Listenting to someone who is suicidal talk is nothing like just listening to a friend who may have had a bad day.

When you listen to someone who wants to die, you learn about deeper and darker things than you ever wanted to know was in their head.

You hear their mistakes, their failures

You hear how nothing you could do, could ever fix it

You hear how they are miserable being alive, and the only reason they are suffering is so they don't hurt you

You learn what it's like to be at a loss for words...

How do you convince someone to put themselves through hell, where they see no light, knowing that there is nothing you can say or do to make them actually want to be here, not knowing for sure if it'll actually ever get better?

What do you say to someone when they tell you that they've spent their whole lives making others happy, and you know that if they chose to live, that's still all they are doing?

And then, what do you do, when they kill themselves anyways

When You're Suicidal

When you're suicidal, life is different

Everyday objects become a forbidden love

Each medication you hold taunts you

Each knife, blade, and everything that's made of glass whispers like a siren

The belts, the ropes, anything that can be tied, begs to embrace your neck

When you're suicidal, everything is up in a battle with death

Is there anything that is harder than being alive?

As you wipe your tears away, tucking your thoughts into a drawer that is so over filled, you wonder if there will ever be a spell to ease the pain - other than just giving in

Pride - Written by Skylar (alter)

I learned pride For the first time in my existence I was proud of myself I was being productive, successful, worthy All of my quirks and 'flaws' Finally had a purpose I mattered I truly Genuinely Mattered Maybe to some it was dumb It was easy or lazy or wrong But I knew, despite the harsh words, That I was doing something to be proud of From nothing to success I learned I actually fucking put my heart and soul into something I worked so fucking hard And i tried And i did my best And for once...I'm not the one who failed And I'm so angry And I don't want to try anymore

Circling

I'm circling

Physically circling

I see the memories make rounds from my right, to my face, to my left, then to the back to begin again.

Suicide attempts, loss, abuse, abandonment, truama

Emotionally circling

I feel the emotions sliding their way from my thoughts to my chest, rotating endlessly.

Sadness, anger, fear, confusion, apathy, parinoia

I'm circling

Just like I circle back to this same old horror story, of a broken little child who has no true place in a big, scary, damaging world. No hiding places, no protection. Just monsters & isolation.

I'm circling

Help me, save me, someone make it all okay.

Stop, stay away, I'm fine on my own.

Do whatever you please, go where you want to be, it's not like it will ever make a difference in this circular insanity.

I'm circling, away from all the growth I've made, and all that I've fought to be.

Worry not, though. I'll get back to that person.

But just remember

I will always be cycling and headed towards this disaster.

This disaster, will always be a party of me,

Circling

Dear Dysfunctional Diary,

Today has been a rough today, this week has been a rough week. I feel like I am ripping at the seams after being filled with all of this bullishit the week has thrown at me. I don't feel very okay or stable. I actually feel very not okay. I'm hitting a really bad stage in my mental health.

I don't care what happens to me. I don't want to reach out to anyone. I want to be dead but beyond the point of being suicidal. I feel alone. I feel scared. I'm sitting still, spinning around and around in circles. I am totally disconnected from my body, myself, and my person as a whole. I'm just really not okay.

I don't want help anymore. I don't want therapy or support or medicine or psychatric hospitals. It all ends the same, me cycling back to being terrified and miserable.

I feel really scared. It is almost like the feeling you get when someone is watching you. Correction, it's like the feeling you get when multiple people are watching you. Not just watching though...also waiting for you to fail and waiting to make it all worse when you do. The problem is, the oeiple watching and waiting, are all me. They are all different versions of me, or pieces of me maybe? I don't really know how that works. The point is I can't escape my tormentor. I also can't change them though. I have to sit and listen to them go on and on, and it never fucking stops.

I want help, because I want to not feel this way. I want to be fixed, or numb, or something to make the noise stop. I don't want help, because regardless, it never stays better or numb. The pain comes back, the trauma, the hurt, the thoughts, everything. When it comes back, its harder than before, every time.

It gets more defeating, every time. It gets scarier, every time. It comes back, every time. I forget how to live at all. Eating, sleeping, functioning as a whole becomes like a massive rocket scientist equation, that even a preschooler could solve. Except, I'm not a preschooler. I'm not anything. I can't solve or do or fix anything.

I'm sitting here in the dark, empty room. I can physically see my past circling around me. I can physically feel my skin tingling, asking to be cut. I can physically feel the lack of drugs in my system. I physically feel so much pain. My brain is empty, but my mind is full. There is no sense or logic, only action. I'm scared.

I need to be surrounded by people I love to block out all or the bad versions of myself. I need to be held tight, so I can stay somewhat put together. I need to be loved, so I feel like I have purpose. I also need to not need these things, because I don't want to make anyone's life harder.

I need to be okay, But I won't be.

Sincerely,

Your dysfunctional author

09/21/2018 3:23 a.m.

Dear Dysfunctional Diary

I genuinely don't know that it has been this long in a very long time. I feel broken. I feel like I could just snap at any minute and end it all. I don't want help. I don't want saving. I just want it to be over. I remember when things where really bad, I use to feel this way. I always said if given the option I would rather die tonight than wake up tommorow with all of my problems solved in a happier life. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I do again. Nothing about life is worth it. In the end we all die and do nothing worth it in between birth and death. My life has no meaning or impact. It never has and it never will. I would just end it now, but the struggle I face is I don't think that even then I'd escape misery. I'd end up somewhere somehow still existing in this universe and i don't want that. I want the world, myself, everything, to fully jusr cease to exist. I don't fucking understand the point of Anyt Bing and I am so fucking tired of feeling broken. Most of all, I'm tired of feeling optionless. I can't do a GOD DAMN FUCMING THING AND I FUCKING HATE IT. I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE. I DONT WANT ANYTHING ANY MORE. I WANT IT ALL TO END AND TO HAVE NEVER FUCKING EXISTED. PLEASE JUST MAKE IT STOP.

Dear Dysfunctional Diary

I know it is dumb but it hurts. I am bothered by it being this way. I don't even like doing this myself anymore, but I also can't stand the feeling of not at all. I just miss it and it hurts And its dumb I guess And I get that But regardless it still hurts And I wish I could fix it

Dear dysfunction Diary,

I can't handle this. I can't do this. I don't know what the fuck I'm suppose to do to be okay. I don't want to feel like this and I don't want to deal with this fucking bitch. I Just want to feel okay and sane and stable and safe and I am spiraling out of control.

Promiscuous

Sex is such a giant fucking roller coaster to me. I want it. I want it in a million different ways with a million different people. I want to be careless and just fuck when and however I want to with whoever the fuck I want to.

Being in a relationship further complicates this, because sex with those other than your partner isn't something that is normally okay. Sometimes though I just need to have sex. Not because I'm horny, but because of the way it helps me cope. It isn't something I can fix or manage by playing with myself. So when you're in a relationship with someone who isn't as nearly sexually motivated you are, that can be hard enough.

Then there is this added thing, where neither of us can make up our minds about whether fucking others is okay and what rules should be places around that. When a desicion is made and set it isn't that hard. I can accept the answer and deal with it. When I feel like I have the opportunity to do all these things I enjoy doing and then all of I sudden I don't, or don't know if I still do, it's extremely hard on me. Hyping myself up and thinking about doing all these things without issue is great, and them bam, Idk what to expect anymore. I have all these people interested and don't know if I can fuck them and am too fucking scared to talk about it.

I'm always incredibly indecisive, but I'm not use to having to be careful of others changing their mind quickly. I don't know how to handle it or what to do.

All these spiraling emotions make my desire to be fucked even more intense, with even more risky desires. I want nearly anyone to just come fuck me. Whenever. However. Wherever. Just please come fuck me. The thoughts make me horny and I need release but every time I touch myself, especially In front of her without her helping, it gets very dark and emotional very fast.

And it isn't like I can say these things to her. I don't need to make her feel forced or like she is doing anything wrong. I realise all of my thoughts and emotions around it are unreasonable and I never want to put her in a compromising situation.

So I just bend and twist the truth in hopes that I can get my point across without any harm. The reality is I'm a very sexual being, for many non healthy reasons. I will find sex by nearly any means, other than hurting someone. I won't cheat and I won't force anyone into anything. I just don't give a shit what I have to do or risk or put into it.

And right now there isn't shit I can do, but lay in bed horny and naked, feeling miserable because there are many people who want to come fuck me, and I'm still laying here horny and untouched.

And it is stupid. Its so fucking stupid. I know that. I know there is no logic behind it and I have no right to feel these ways

But GOD DAMMIT it makes me feel like shit

bileinmythroat

Sometimes I think about how the child in me that was killed wouldn’t even be proud of me now. I cant cope. Im a mess. I’m barely living. I cant even be healthy for the only person in my life that matters to me. Im pathetic and they’d be ashamed of me.

bpdisfun

Anyone else feel like they’re just procrastinating their suicide

Angry

Honestly I'm just full of anger, or maybe you could call it rage. I want to fight and scream and do lots of harm. It all stems from the same things, but also from nothing. I'm mad. I'm so fucking mad. I am tired of being mad. I want to rip heads off, especially yours, at times with reason, but commonly with none. My brain holds a fire and you just keep adding fuel to the God damn thing. You won't let me put it out. It NEEDS to be put out. I'm cracking. This anger makes me feel delusional. Why do I feel this way about someone I love?

I need an escape, from everything. From this, from that, from you, from ME. It's hard. The sad part is - it's easier to get away from myself than it is to get away from you.

I'm so angry I can physically feel it throughout my entire body. Is this what I've become? Have I seen my future in those I fear? I don't know.

I just want to feel happiness, or at the very least - peacefulness. I don't know how to handle these emotions or these thoughts.

These thoughts

Damn these FUCKING thoughts

They are not okay.

I AM NOT OKAY

I don't know what all of this will boil down to. I can only hope that it ends in sanity & safety for myself and everyone involved.

I'm scared, mostly of myself.

I just want to be okay.

It's times like this, where I know addiction lives inside of me. When I can't find support or happiness, and I want nothing more than to be intoxicated I know what a monster substances could turn me into if I let them.

Its not about escaping the pain as much as it's about having anything consistent or reliable in my life. I don't know who is going to be in my life tomorrow or even a minute from now, but I know that I will never not be able to find something to change my mental state. I don't know whether I'll love who I love today, tomorrow, but I know that if I was addicted I would always crave the high.

I miss being high. I miss being dumb. I miss nothing mattering other than what I got to do that day.

I don't plan to be stupid and put myself in the situation of being addicted. It's a very ugly sickness. It's just that at my worse times, it seems prettier than my current life.

Depressing shit

I've gone through a lot of ups & downs in my life. My mental health has been shit for as long as I can remember. I've been angry. I've been sad. I've been suicidal. I've hurt others. I've hurt myself. I've broken things. I know how to handle not being okay. I've learned how to manage my self-hatred and the hatred I have for my own particular life. I don't struggle much with that anymore.

Instead I'm falling apart because I can't handle the world that I live In. All the beauty I ever saw in the world has pretty much been drained from it. I can't go anywhere or do anything that doesn't lead to me losing more and more faith in humanity. I don't know what the world is becoming. I don't know what people are becoming. Lately, for the first time I want to die to escape the world I live in, instead of the mind I live in.

My heart is completely broken looking at everything the world has become. There are children killing themselves, because people can't have respect. There are people killing children. Everyone is so wrapped up in personal gain that no one cares about who - or what they hurt. The most ugly thing I have ever seen is humanity.

There is nothing anyone can say or do without being made to feel like shit. Everything is an arugment. Everything is always chaos. I don't want to see people hurting each other anymore. I don't want to watch this world crumble.

I know it isn't realistic to wish for everyone to get along, but this existence has become a nightmare, for myself and everyone around me.

I'm not going to end my life, because it would only bring more pain into this world, but I would be lying if I said I didn't want to. I've come far from where I've use to be. I wish I could say the same for everything in my surroundings.

I'm begging the universe, the God(s), the whatever is the reason for everything that is, please just make things better. I want to live, so please give me a world I want to live in.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Dear Dysfunctional Diary...