HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! I'm in absolute awe of how much you've achieved in 2014 and I'm so proud to have stood back and watch you succeed and exceed everyone's expectations. I don't think anyone could've predicted how far and beyond you've gone not only in terms of your music but in your interaction with us and it makes me so hopeful that one day I'll get to meet you and thank you personally for all you've done for me. I'm so inspired by your outlook in embracing yourself, your friends, your music and your fans and I have no doubt that 2015 will prove to be an amazing year for you also.
I want to talk a bit about my New Years Eve. The last moments before we'd be saying goodbye to 2014, a year that honestly saw my personal highest of highs and lowest and lows. The last 365 days really tested me and my resilience, determination and will to push through the hard times and thoroughly enjoy the good. One thing I can say is that I'm so proud of myself for pulling through despite the number of times where I've beaten myself down. There were some really tough moments where I felt hopeless and defeated and down, and the fact that I've managed to come out feeling somewhat better about myself means a lot to me. I'm not 100% confident and happy all of the time (who is, really?) but it's progress, and I'm proud of myself.
Anyway, back to New Years Eve. The last four hours of the night I spent at one of my good friends' new place, with a whole bunch of friends from high school - some who I'd seen recently, and others who I hadn't seen in so long. I was nervous going into this. Earlier in the week, I hung out with a bunch of these friends. Trouble was - there's this guy. He's been a close friend of mine for a while and he's one of the people I've confided in when times were tough, so he means a lot to me. Recently I found out that he has feelings for me, but for some reason, he's decided to tell all of our friends, but not me. As always, things eventually come back around and knowing this, hanging out as a group was just all kinds of awkward. I felt like I had nothing to say to him and he had nothing to say to me. Everyone also kind of tried to "subtly" hint things at him about me as a joke to him thinking I didn't have any idea, making me very uncomfortable and to remain quiet the whole night. That night wasn't fun at all. But for New Years Eve, he wasn't there and I had the best time. I think that really goes to show that sometimes, life is much better when your focus is friends and not boyfriends. I learned that one from you.
In terms of this guy, I have no idea where we stand. People ask me if I like him back, and the truth is? I'd be lying if I said I would turn him down without thinking about it, but this situation isn't black and white. It's complicated, and things are weird right now and I don't know what I want. I'm not sure if I like him, or if I like the idea of him, you know? Because those are two very different things, and if it's the latter and we go ahead with things, I already know they won't end well. And frankly, he's a friend I don't want to lose.
Nonetheless, I'm hopeful about 2015. I'm excited about what I'll experience and what comes my way - opportunities, experiences, lessons, stories. The unknown scares me to death but it also fascinates me. But there's one quote I found on tumblr that really resonates with me as we go into a new year:
“A year ago, everything was different.
I wouldn’t have pictured myself like this,
And now that I look back, I have realized that a year can do a lot to a person.”
A year ago, I was broken, uncertain, alone, anxious and afraid. I was scared of being hopeful because I was scared of being disappointed. I wasn't sure I was going to get what I wanted even if I worked for it. Now, I'm still a little broken and uncertain, I do feel alone at times, I get anxious from time to time and there's always something I'll be afraid of. But what I've learned is that hope is one of the most important feelings to have and hold dearly. It's the motivation that things will get better, no matter how difficult the circumstances and if there's one New Year's resolution I want to have and actually keep, it's to remain hopeful. I hope I can keep this one up.
