Dear, All of You

Letters I’ll never send that I wish I could; words I’ll proudly type from the damage; a creative outlet for pain.

[dearallofyou]

LETTER

The last post I posted was a different mindset. We talked, and after that, I jumped into love, fell into love, whatever one does when they want to do anything and everything for one person, in love.

Now we are separate.

In a month we reevaluate, which got a sarcastic chuckle out of a coworker today, which stung kind of like thinking about how today would’ve been a day where you’d pick me up on the bike. I cried about that.

I miss you, but if this isn’t God’s will, the broken road prepares His will for us.

I have to remember that.

[dearallofyou]

LETTER

I want to be told this will be okay and that the angst I feel and that the mind battles I fight through and for have a purpose.

I’ve never had a constant peace. I wonder, every day, if I may never experience a settling peace. Maybe each relationship will have what I’m feeling now?

I know I can’t go another extended stay without bringing this up - the lack of excitement between the two of us. I don’t see it in your eyes like I did two months ago. I don’t see you wanting me like you used to and it’s not even been 3 months.

I wonder if you’re shaking away the feelings too, that something isn’t right here. We started out stronger than I’ve ever been with anyone, and now we’ve ended up here and I can’t keep brushing this away. It’s taken over my mind and I tear up thinking when we do bring this up, how it may tear us down.

I hope you are truthful and transparent and meet me in this uncertainty. I do love you, but I’m caught wondering if I will be able to fall in love, and so we must come together to figure out if we part ways or if we keep moving towards a future you talked so strongly about.

[dearallofyou]

I haven’t written anything here in a little while

Why?

Well, because things are well

We are well

I’ll cc you in, baby

Rebound? No. I refuse the thought

Beauty and pure lust? I chuckle since those two words clash

God, grant us the peace to know to move forward

God, grant us the confirmation to part ways, if need be

But God, help my heart handle that, if the day comes

You give and take away, but you’ve given me a good one, so I would love to keep him around

[dearallofyou]

To talk to you in the cold made my heart warm.

To realize I had you back made me cry a little.

To hear your heart made mine happy.

[dearallofyou]

I would pay to read something about me like what I write about all of you, but I never will

[dearallofyou]

She’s here again?

In the drain of the day she circles - in the dead of night she longs for the tangible home of some human just as desperate to love wholly.

She replays the scenarios over and over like a sleuth working to solve a case, just like the movies.

Not one has been solved. She’s terrible at this, but at least she knows their current status. That would just be sad, her constantly wondering what they were up to.

But would it be more sad than her still writing about them now? Would it be sadder than how she replays their exits? Is she wanting to only feel sad or is she truly trying to figure out what she did to make them leave?

She’s gotta get over this; this is pathetic. She’s spent much more mental energy on people who are gone rather than trying to prepare herself for someone to come.

She’s lonely though. She’s probably vulnerable and experiencing a lot of new things that bring confusion. When her life gets busy, she seems to forget about her core values and beliefs because she doesn’t make time for them.

She doesn’t really have solid communication with anyone consistently, outside of her immediately family, either, so she resorts to this

[dearallofyou]

The haunting Bly brings your body right back next to mine

I can hear you exclaim and see you rewind again and again to make me see what you had just seen

The fixation to detail I saw on your face and in your eyes is something I could watch for hours

For even if I missed a key moment, I know you’d catch it and help me see

The gasp, the clench, the grab of my hand to gather all of my attention - it was all so intimate, safe and frightening at the same time

——————

I wonder if she watches you now

The way the feeling awakens even though you became completely foreign to me is haunting

And we loved haunting.

I’d guess that you probably know you still haunt me, but have chosen to stay absent. I think that’s worse than laying here wallowing in the fact that you are experiencing this with someone new while I long to share this headline with you.

You’re gone for good, though

And the scar I have opens to bleed dark as a berry, but I’m leaving

[dearallofyou]

LETTER

I’m trying my best to put myself in your shoes.

I am at the receiving end of some of the rudest silence I’ve experienced and I’m just trying to get in your head and out of mine but that silence that you’re so easily presenting me is riddling me with grief.

Shame washes over every inch of my body for walking over a line I wanted to firmly stay behind. It also floods my thoughts when I think about the unconditional trust I put in you to keep me safe, or rather, to just value me, as a human being and as someone who so openly and obviously cares about you.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry I’m hurting too. It really burdens my day to day. It was an unfortunate mashup of firsts that we both used to dream would be so wonderful. I have the ability to reminisce more than any other person I know, only to grasp memories and to keep them around to haunt me in my broken states. I seem to excavate emotion for fun, and it’s like, complicated. I cry and get angry and turn my music up loud and rapidly skip until a song comes on that catches me when I’m spiraling and sets me right down in my loathing chair where I settle in and secretly thank artists for being vulnerable in a way that I long to be.

Ben, I’m angry at you. I’m devastated by you. I’m confused by you. I’m hurt by you. But I’m also hurting for you, angry for you, and sad for you.

I wonder, every day, if I’ll ever talk to you again. The thought of me being there and not hearing from you again after I left, possibly for the rest of my life, is one of the worst feelings I could every possibly feel. There’s no question about how I’m feeling, which gives me too much time to try to figure out what you may be feeling and time spent debating with myself for hours on end in attempts to reach a conclusion that gives me a peace of mind to move on from the experience.

This truly isn’t about you, although, I care very deeply about you. This is about me, and what you promised me and what you reassured me of, and the absence of a follow through I thought there would be no question about. This is about your actions, followed by your silence, that have left me questioning myself and the pure intentions that a person might have one day. But I think you would’ve meant your promises if your heart was healed and your mind was clear.

You’ve done to me exactly what I told you I feared so much. I’m so sorry I trusted you when you weren’t available to deliver what I expected and I should’ve known it.

[dearallofyou]

I’ll never vacation for a man again.

He says the words “I’m not going anywhere”.

So where is he now?

[dearallofyou]

I’ll let myself embrace a dream - I’ll give myself the freedom to imagine

But, imagining compares minuscule to the actual outcome of giving myself permission to hope.

I tend to formulate new expectations from indulging in the “what-ifs” that I allow, like a sitcom, to rerun in my head.

If you don’t get to hear my songs and see my mirage of having my life together, was it even worth it?

If you can’t tell when the right time will be to kiss me, do we have the connection we’ve both been saying that we have?

CANT I JUST CHILL FOR A SECOND

[dearallofyou]

I’m coming to visit you in a month

I see a trend of fear in myself

It’s a fear of losing something I hold dear

So when we planned, I loved it

Now that it’s booked, I’m worried

I’m worried your mind will glaze over my querks

and find them annoying and something you

could definitely live without

I think I wonder the most about what you’ll

think of me that you’ll never tell me

I’m mentally prepared to be someone you’re

overwhelmed by and someone who gets on a

plane to go home and you feel like you can

breathe again

I can’t wait to hug you regardless and I hope

that you feel the same

[dearallofyou]

I don’t owe you anything anymore, then again, I never did.

Your anger that follows my “no” doesn’t kill me inside.

I am new. I am proud. And I am not yours.

[dearallofyou]

I have a date tomorrow (today 2:53am) - he is coming to spend the day and night.

I am laying in bed now - I am crying because I’m scared to make a new connection with someone that might leave.

I miss Spain and I miss Bellevue.

[dearallofyou]

For the very first time, even though I’ve been spending time convincing myself and others that this has been the case all this time, I looked at you and you weren’t handsome to me.

[dearallofyou]

Curls and waves like my dreams of oceans

Sometimes when I looked at you in the brief, blink-of-an-eye time we spent, I doubted my own culture

Your young eyes were full and your body filled with knowledge

The potential you hold puts me at a notch on the vast belt of life that you have ahead of you and I feel insignificant, but I know that’s just me being confined to my thoughts

And even if my insignificance is true to you, I’ll be okay

I’ll forever remember my fingers running through your hair, down your chest

I don’t mean to scare you with a word like “forever”, so take that as you will, either way, I will remember

I’m writing this and you’re long gone by now. You’ve arrived home in the midst of a worldwide crisis

I’ll keep making pancakes out of the box and my eggs scrambled, but I’ll probably take a shot at making something new

I can feel myself wondering how you’re doing in the future, if distance separates the small connection we made

I hope you’re well and your passions have played out and your fingers have callouses from the chords you now play

[dearallofyou]

I’m not feeling lost or broken, but in the late hours, why did I realize I hadn’t received any voicemails, or listened to any, in months? Am I searching for emotion?

I opened voicemail to discover I never set it up when I got my new phone - every past message was gone. I needed to set that up, so I chose the default voicemail greeting.

my “lost” voicemails were all restored.

4.1.9

I found you:

“Hey, I know you’re probably asleep...”

“OK well so I wanted to tell you I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you. I’m sorry that I called you while you were asleep. Bye”

Your voice didn’t shock me. I haven’t heard it in 6 months, but it didnt shock me. I’m not crazy or pathetic, I think I just long to feel, especially in the lonely hours.

I laid the phone next to my pillow and played the message. It almost felt as if you were on the other end, truly there and I was listening, trying to keep my eyes open, because you do that when you love someone. We talked on the phone a ridiculous amount because the distance was hard. We lived for the weekends where we unknowingly began to witness the deterioration of what we worked so hard to build.

There wasn’t an ache there this time like there was when I replayed your message months ago. I cried, of course I did! You held the title of My Person for two years, even when our status wavered. I can’t suppress my feelings regarding the painful, insulting, degrading, selfish, and inconsiderable words you forced me to read by sending them in a text.

I know that I benefit from feeling. Not physically feeling - that gets me in loads of trouble. I mean mentally and emotionally feeling.

Mentally carrying the weight of wondering who else will think I’m crazy.

Emotionally carrying the backlash I felt from someone who once held me tighter than need be.

I mentally retrace my steps trying to figure out when the overlap happened. I try to figure out why you kept talking to me when you were out of love with me and making plans to commit to her.

Emotionally carrying my shame of mental illness. Emotionally carrying my shame of weight gain. Emotionally carrying my shame of flippant words and wild actions.

I like who I am. I like that I’m emotional. I’m glad that I have voicemails from you that I listened to tonight, after losing you months ago. I love that I can easily bring forth suppressed emotions and let them live and wander freely through my mind. Bitter sweet; a blessing and a curse.

Goodnight J, not in a weird loving way, just, goodnight

#J

[dearallofyou]

He STILL lives in my dreams, regardless of the reality that he lives with someone else and they own dogs and are looking at buying a house.

This one is easier though, because I know who he is and how he is, and he would never be happy with me and I could never be okay knowing I stifled happiness.

Years ago, though, we were perfectly infatuated and in love, in the purest of ways, my God, I miss that.

If we were meant to be, we would’ve been by now, Billie says, and she’s so right.

I will forever and always love him, no matter where he is, who he is with, and what he is doing. That is true love, and though the romance is gone, he is rawly and fiercely loved. If he never gets to know that, at least I do.

04132020