SUMMARY | When a system error at your new university’s residence leaves you to share a dorm with a hot male roommate, you find yourself in for more than just a sleepless night or two when you realize that he has a habit of walking around shirtless all the time.
WARNINGS | sexual content, making out, handjobs, blowjobs, fingering, oral sex, mentions of vaginal sex, mentions of public sex, partying/drinking, alcohol, swearing.
WORD COUNT | 12.2k
A/N | Some of you may recognize a scene in this story from a drabble that I’ve previously written, but many people wanted to see a continuation of it, so I’ve turned it into full work. Thanks again to the anon that came up with original idea for the drabble!
The first days of coming to a new university were always the most stressful – getting to know your way around a campus full of people that you’d never seen before, buildings scattered across a large area of space and containing classrooms with numbers that you could never remember, trying to memorize your schedule without being that one annoying person in the hallway who walks too slow because they’re staring at the campus map on their phone. There were many things that could go wrong during the first days, especially when you had no idea where you were and what was going on.
But out of all the things that could go wrong, you hadn’t been expecting this.
“I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do to change the rooms. Everything’s been put in the system already and any that would’ve been available have been taken already.”
You sighed, running a hand through your hair several times as you tried to calm down. Moving into the dorms was meant to be one of the easier parts, one of the things that you weren’t meant to stress over. You just had the bad luck of being the one person in the system who was destined to have everything fucked up for them.
“Is there nothing else you could possibly do?” you asked the receptionist.
other members as background characters: mainly johnny, doyoung
warnings: unprotected sex, abuse of alcohol, smoking, reader has an abusive ex, public fingering, mentions of high school bullying
summary: “Taeyong isn't a fan of surrealism. When he decided to enroll into art school he did it for his love of Renaissance, Baroque, the obvious and undeniable beauty of Rococo. He liked the simple things and led a simple life, until he met you; the obvious beauty of a classmate you were that would make him feel more things than what he thought was humanely possible. When you're grouped together in a project dedicated to the works of René Magritte, Taeyong will come to the realization that life immitates art, and life is anything but the preconditioned perceptions of reality he's used to.”
a/n: this is my entry for Gallery Taeyong collab! Happy belated birthday bubu 🥺 This fic was inspired by the works of surrealist painter René Magritte and specifically The Lovers II. I’ve loved his works for a long time so this was very creatively pleasant for me!
He wouldn’t be so grumpy if he had to take the class for any other art movement.
Taeyong could get lost for days in a mural of the Renaissance, calculating all the different ways the painter managed to achieve total geometric symmetry. He would look at every individual figure, study their body language, their unique expression; discover all the little ways they contributed to the larger masterpiece. It comforted him when he found himself lost amongst the big crowds of students at the art school he attended. Even if he wasn’t the most interesting or gifted one, even in the total black look he sported with only his customized vans giving away his major, maybe he also contributed in his own way to the mural called life.
And sure, he knew why he had to take that class. As frustrating as it is to him, Surrealism is a huge movement that impacted generations of artists, and not learning about it as a painting major would sound criminal to most. He could maybe put up with the mandatory assignment if he had to analyze Dali’s work. Taeyong could at least recognize the talent needed to make those microscopic paintings that were interesting enough to look at. He even got one of those melting clocks as a ‘house (dorm) warming’ gift from his best friend, Doyoung, hanging strangely between the cracks of one of his walls.
Taeyong loved art because it overrated people. Through the strokes of an artist’s brush, he could discover layers of the human psyche; layers that he just couldn’t see in real life. If anything, Taeyong thought he could read people at first sight pretty well. The girl who sometimes talked to him in sculpture class, with the pink hair and baby bangs, has daddy issues. The tall lanky dude that winks at him at the cafeteria, covered in rings and chains and fancy piercings, probably cries himself to sleep. Taeyong, who was bullied again and again throughout his high school years for being different, fades in the background of someone else’s story, making sure that all the shades of black he’s wearing match each other.
The constant rating and assessment of other people exhausted him, but he just couldn’t help it. In the sacredness of his dorm, with no faces to shield away from in fear of getting judged, he could finally be himself.
Unwinding after a long and uneventful day, Taeyong enjoys the smoke that makes his mind a little too foggy to think anymore. The smell sticks on his clothes, the leaves of his indoor plants, it fits itself between those wall cracks. He almost dozes off in the tranquility, sprawled out on his messy sheets, when his phone’s buzz jolts him awake.
Unknown number
hey, we got partnered up together for surrealism class, your friend Ten gave me your number
the professor assigned us Rene Magritte
want to meet up so we can start with the assignment?
Taeyong might have skipped the first class of Surrealism 101. Blame it on being a good friend, or his inability to handle alcohol, let alone whiskey. Being a Philosophy major wasn’t easy for one’s sanity, and Doyoung went on a serious existential crisis last night. Not to mention, the nonsensical nature of Surrealism sure doesn’t go well with a bad hangover. Damn Plato.
me
uhh yeah sorry for being mia yesterday
you can come over to my dorm this evening if you want
Unknown number
give me your location, I’ll be there at 8
I’m y/n btw
The knock on his door came twenty minutes past eight. Taeyong quickly puts out the cigarette that was busying his lips, already missing the bitter taste of smoke when he gets to the door.
“You must be Taeyong. I’m y/n.”
Beautiful. That is the first word that pops into his head when he lays his eyes on you.
Taeyong had never seen someone that quite looks like you. From your eyes, to your lips, to the proportions of your body. You were wearing a simple summer dress, one that was maybe too light for the chilly autumn weather but pretty nonetheless. It seemed like angels had descended from heaven, leading you into his arms with their serene singing; he could hear it clearly in his head.
He lets you in his dorm politely, catching a whiff of your cologne that has him hooked already. His fingers are itching to grab a medium, any medium- charcoal, watercolor, oil paints and immortalize you, in fear that you might vanish suddenly, slip from his line of sight.
He still hasn’t muttered a single word, he realizes when he sees the indexes of the melting clock moving steadily, reminding him that time still does go by. The small couch that he barely managed to fit in the entrance area of his dorm struggles to fit you both, the proximity making him dizzy. You’d be the one to break the silence.
“So, do you like Surrealism?”
“Not really”
Taken aback by his statement, you turn your body sideways to face him, at least as much as the limited space allows you to. You could start off with something lighter, like “I like your place” or “How did you meet Ten?”, yet you hated small talk.
“How come?”
“It’s just… a mess. It makes no sense. Most of the art isn’t even nice to look at. You have to search and search for some kind of meaning, only to be left even more confused.”
“Don’t you think that looking for meaning in a surrealistic painting negates the whole point of the movement itself?”
“But there must be a meaning. Even if the artists are painting from their subconscious, they are pulling something out of the deepest recesses of their minds. Surely it means something.”
“Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. Do you like making sense out of people, Taeyong?”
“People are pretty similar. They act in certain behavioral patterns. They reflect whatever it is they are feeling inside on the surface.”
“And what sense do you make of me?”
Taeyong gets startled by the question. Surely he has an answer, calculating people was sort of like his hobby, yet he doesn’t know how candid he can be with someone he just met. He takes the matted-down cigarette he put out earlier and places it between his lips, lighting it again.
“You dress neatly. You’re pretty, and not afraid to show it. If I can read through that nice manicure correctly, I’d say you grew up with French and piano tutoring. You’re close with your mom and want to be like her. A good girl.”
Your sardonic smile is visible even through the thick smoke. You seem to mutter something that Taeyong’s ears can’t quite catch, before taking out a piece of paper with a painting printed on it.
“The False Mirror, 1928. It’s the first piece we have to analyze.”
Taeyong takes the print from your hands carefully, squinting his eyes as they scan through its entirety. It’s an eye, not very realistically depicted, with a circular sky placed inside the otherwise ordinary oculus.
“An eye”, he states matter-of-factly, and you scoot right next to him on the couch.
“Yes, without the face. Out of its usual context.”
“So you’re saying that the artist purposefully makes a bizarre combination to stimulate the viewer?”
“Not just to stimulate, but to force them to raise a question.”
“The eyes are the mirror to the soul?”
“A parody of that, yes. Magritte said that the function of painting is to make poetry visible, after all.”
Taeyong stares at the piece some more as he finishes his cigarette, and it makes him feel more uneasy with every second that passes by. Is the sky a reflection of what the eye is seeing? The lack of detail in the artistry makes it hard to tell.
“It almost seems like it’s an opening to a new reality.”
“It’s an invitation to see the world differently. Not everything is as it seems.”
The last comment feels like a jab at your conversation earlier, and it makes Taeyong leave the painting on the table finally. It all seems ugly and weird and the piece is making him upset by forcing him to look past the obvious that he loves so much.
“You seem really good at this”, he says and lets some of the ashes smoke out the white, fluffy clouds, “I’m not worried about the assignment at all. I can send you a small analysis tomorrow and we can combine it with yours-”
“Is this your way of nicely kicking me out of your dorm?”, you joke and Taeyong panics, moving his hands frantically over his face. Your presence was more than welcome, even if you did make him a little nervous. He wasn’t used to such beauty being so close to him, alive, breathing. As he sees you smile back at him brightly, he thinks that life truly imitates art.
“No, not at all! You can stay as long as you want! I can order pizza and you can tell me more about yourself.”
“Hmmm. I have a better idea.”
Taeyong doesn’t know how he ended up with you at a stranger’s house party, nor exactly how you convinced him to tag along. He follows you inside the stuffy apartment, the led lights and loud music already giving him a headache. The sweat of the people dancing is dripping from the ceiling, making him even more claustrophobic, clinging onto you.
You pour him a drink and Taeyong reluctantly accepts it, well aware of how strong it is for him. He takes a small sip while you down your whole glass in one shot, making his eyes bulge out of his head in shock. He tries to make small talk, ask you about the party thrower and advise you to slow down, yet your attention is fixated on a group of loud men.
“Be right back”, you tell him as you excuse yourself, and he watches as you tackle the tallest of them all in a big hug.
You scream his name and look up at him dearly, and Taeyong can already tell that you and ‘Johnny’ are more than just friends. He notices how you try to make yourself bigger in front of him, how nervous you seem as you initiate conversation. He can also notice how much more interested you seem in him than he does in you.
Taeyong feels as if he’s probing at something he shouldn’t, so he turns around and gulps the rest of his drink with difficulty. Defeated and with a hint of sadness coating your eyes you return to the kitchen and pour yourself another drink, stronger this time.
He asks you questions about your interests to distract you, maybe even calm you down. While the alcohol confuses you both and the loud music muffles a lot of the words together, Taeyong manages to learn a lot about you. You started painting as a means of escape, surrealism and gore being your favorite. Carbonated drinks give you the hiccups and you unironically like the most pretentious of indie bands. You have a tattoo of your first pet on your left buttcheek that you will never let your parents know about. Your smile has the ability to raise his heart rate in a split second.
Taeyong stays silent as you empty the glass once more, but he has to interrupt when you try to drink straight from the bottle. You hop on the counter so that he’s sat between your thighs, whining as he takes it out of your hands. The extra sips you stole made you just as tipsy as him and you ground yourself with the feeling of his palms on your thighs.
“You shouldn’t drink so much”, he slurs and squeezes the muscles a little, the fabric of your dress, making his fingers run effortlessly over them. You love the attention.
Your own fingers weave through his locks, tugging them a little so that you pump out even more attention from him. He looks so pretty looking up at you like that, blown-out pupils taking everything in and waiting for your next move.
“Let’s do something else then.”
You seal the proposal with a kiss, tasting the alcohol on Taeyong’s soft lips. He kisses you back feverishly after he’s over the initial shock, his brain unable to realize if this moment he shares with the pretty girl that visited his dorm earlier this evening is real or not. Soon his tongue disappears inside your mouth, running over your teeth and playing with you further.
You guide his hands under your skirt as he breaks the skin of your neck with his teeth, and a single finger over your panties makes a shiver go down your spine. He toys with the hem some more, slowly feeling the fabric dampen but never taking it further.
“I want your fingers inside me”, you plead in his ears, your voice airy and breaking with desperation.
“There are people around”
“No one gives a fuck. I need you.”
Taeyong hisses in an inner battle with his self-control, yet your glossy doe eyes take the win. He pushes your panties to the side carefully, moving even closer between your legs to hide the sinful act as much as he can. His body feels hot against you and when he dips his middle finger inside you have to grip onto his shoulders so that you don’t dissolve in the feeling.
“Faster”, you beg and he inserts his index as well, painting a pearly purple love bite over your collarbones. With every drag of his fingertips against your walls, he drags a moan out of your lips as well, the pretty sound getting buried in the deep bass of the loud music.
Just as he feels you falling over the edge, searching your face for the lewd expressions of orgasmic pleasure, he realizes that your eyes are glued provocatively onto another man.
PART II - EMPIRE OF LIGHT
It’d been exactly 33 hours since the last time he saw you. You were both stumbling outside of the house party, drunk and disoriented and with the taste of your orgasm still on your tongues, yet Taeyong somehow managed to call you a cab. He remembers being pissed off and confused over your behavior, refusing your advances and your proposal to follow you home.
You texted him later that next day, thanking him for taking care of you and asking him to meet up for your project. You didn’t mention your moment of intimacy, nor Johnny, neither did you apologize for that night. Taeyong agreed and offered his place once again for your rendezvous. The indexes of the melting clock taunt his anxiety as he waits for you to arrive.
The knock on his door came 20 minutes late again, and Taeyong writes it down as another one of your habits. Your eyes look tired and your skin looks dull, yet you’re still styled in a neat and pretty outfit. It was weird seeing you in the light of day, without being surrounded by the darkness that fits you so well. All the flaws that Taeyong could see in you in the morning were humanizing while simultaneously showing him just how different you are compared to him.
You walk in confidently, almost as if you own the place, and throw your body onto his couch. Taeyong chuckles incredulously, joining you after he lights a new cigarette. You take out another print from your bag and he hears the faint clanging of glass bottles as you do.
The painting looks a little more artistically pleasing this time, yet there’s something that still gives off an unsettling feeling. After his eyes get used to the high contrasts, he notices that the nocturnal street scene is set against a light-drenched morning sky. One of the most fundamental premises of life is being messed with, and light, while usually something that’s a source of clarity, causes him confusion and uneasiness.
“Empire of Light, 1950”, you start explaining, fanning out the smoke with your hands when it reaches you, “Magritte painted this scene numerous times. It’s a paradoxical combination of day and night. The conception of a picture, that is, the idea, is not visible in the picture: an idea cannot be seen with the eyes. What is represented in a picture is what is visible to the eyes, it is the thing or things that must have been ideated. The landscape evokes night and the sky evokes day. He called this power: poetry.”
Taeyong blows his smoke on the house depicted, as if the landlady would open one of the small windows and tell him off, providing another small light source in the painting.
“A paradox”, he repeats, toying the sour word with his tongue and mixing it with the bitterness of the tobacco, “Like the paradox of a girl with pretty dresses that’s addicted to alcohol.”
You realize he’s talking about you yet you decide to play dumb, hiding in the silence of the room. And Taeyong lets you hide but only for a few seconds, before he grabs the alcohol bottles from your bag and places them over the painting. One of them, a digestif, gets stuck on the paper, adding a caramel-colored ring over the light-blue sky.
“I like to drink. So what?”
“You have a problem. Who the fuck carries three half-empty bottles of booze in their school bag?”
“You don’t know when I drunk them”
“You reek of liquor”
His stare is unnerving, shoving you into an imaginary corner and casting an interrogation beacon on you. With trembling hands and heated cheeks, you grab a pack of gums from the jean jacket you brought along and start to chew aggressively. There’s a caretaker value in him that makes your stomach warm and your head foggy at the same time.
“Says the guy with the lung cancer between his lips. Since you like playing therapist so much then you’d know that we all have our coping mechanisms. We all have that something or someone to use that makes us feel better.”
Something in Taeyong shifts after what you said, evident in the way his jaw tightens.
“Is it because of this Johnny guy? You can tell me you know, I’m no therapist but I’m your friend.”
You scoff, giving him a once over. “A friend? Is that what you call everyone you finger fuck in a room full of people?”
You try your hardest to hold back your laughter at Taeyong’s reddening cheeks as he notices the healing hickeys he’s left on you. His intentions are clear and they seem as pure as they can be, so you pace around the room a little to organize your thoughts.
“It’s not because of Johnny. It’s because of my ex. He was the type of guy that can take you to heaven and then drag you to hell in the same breath. When someone you love tells you daily just how worthless you are the insult ends up staying inside your skull for longer than bearable.”
You get dizzy from the circles you paced so you sit down on his desk chair this time. The rolling motion comforts you a little so you find the courage to spill more of your heart out.
“The booze makes the voice shut up. Sex helps too. Johnny is just a fuck buddy of mine. He has his eyes.”
Taeyong gulps dryly at your confessions but listens carefully nonetheless. There is a weight in his chest and an itch over the fingers that he used that night.
“So I was a distraction too?”
“I’m sorry if you feel used, but aren’t all hookups a distraction if you think about it? Besides, it was good. The finger fucking, I mean. I don’t regret it.”
Taeyong weighed all the possible responses to your compliment, but he soon concluded that avoiding them all would be best.
“I’m sorry this happened to you, no one deserves this. But this coping mechanism is going to ruin you.”
“I know. And I know that you deserve better than whatever mess I am. Sorry for dragging you into this.”
“You didn’t force me into anything, don’t worry. I am a little guilty of indulging as well.”
You take a minute to take him all in, and you almost lose him in his all-black attire. Some of his works that you hadn’t noticed last time are hanging from the walls. It’s mostly beautiful women, surrounded by lines and shapes in bright colors. The intensity and liveliness of the paintings surprise you, so very different than the man who’s sitting in front of you.
“Enough about me. What is it with you? Besides our friend Ten, you seem to be like a ghost to everyone else.”
“I like blending in, sticking out is uncomfortable.”
“Is that why you dress like a watered-down Hot Topic employee?”
“Being invisible isn’t such a bad thing.”
“Yeah. Maybe I should try that. You know, sometimes, I like to hang around the train station for hours. I daydream of packing my necessities and leaving this place forever. Start a new life with a new name, a new life that is not as cursed as this one is. I don’t even know what’s stopping me from leaving everything I am behind.”
You watch curiously as Taeyong gets up from the couch and walks slowly up to you. You think he’ll probably ask you to leave, or tell you to at least get up from his comfortable chair you’re occupying, yet you still in shock when he wraps his arms around you. He smells nice, very sweet, and homey, just like his embrace. It’s been years since the last time you felt so light.
“No. You’re meant to be here.”, he murmurs through your hair, “You’re meant to be seen. You’re full of color.”
“Like the women in your paintings?”
Taeyong hums affirmatively, the vibration relaxing you even more. “You’re the type of person artists make whole oeuvres about.”
You continue working on the project pleasantly, and your little team is starting to gel. You guide Taeyong with your valuable knowledge on surrealism, and in return he lets you play your pretentious indie bands as background noise. You love how kind and understanding he is, and you admire his effortless leadership skills. He’s been glued next to your leg the entire time, looking up at you from his seat on the floor. And when he rests his head on your thigh and you pet his hair until he purrs, you both telepathically agree not to comment on it.
It’s getting late and Taeyong’s walking you out of his dorm, his jacket hanging from your shoulders since the sun is down by now. You can feel the anxiety oozing from his body.
“So, ummm. I was wondering if you’d ummm, like to go out somewhere tomorrow.”
“Lee Taeyong, are you asking me out on a date?”
“No no! I mean, I just want to hang out with you. Unless you want it to be a date. Then I’m completely fine with that.”
You giggle at his rambling, high on the warmth of his clothes that remind you of his embrace earlier.
“There’s an art exhibition downtown. We can go check it out if you want.”
“I’d love that.”
You peck his cheek sweetly before leaving, and the contact of your lips against his skin will burn him for the rest of the night. You don’t even notice that you forgot the bottles of alcohol at his apartment.
PART III - THE LOVERS
For your gallery date, you were early for the first time. Drenched in a healthy glow, with crystal eyes and the brightest smile. How could anyone expect Taeyong to pay attention to the art pieces when you were standing right next to him? The whole time you were silently appreciating the artwork, he had his own studying to do as well. His talent in reading people would find a creative purpose for the first time as he thought of what earthy tones and stroke techniques would best depict you on paper. You always seemed too much for him to paint, too complex and deep and beautiful for his level of artistry.
If you noticed his staring, you didn’t say a thing, but when he decided to intertwine his fingers with yours, your palm sweated a little. He thought your hand was made for his, with how perfectly it fit inside it, and Taeyong wished he could cling onto the feeling forever. He walked you home like the gentleman he is, but not before he treated you with your favorite ice cream as you talked about art for hours. He didn’t make a move to kiss you, nor did you suggest to lead him inside your place and then inside you.
When you asked him how come he hadn’t lit a cigarette the entire night, he simply told you he quit. Tobacco tastes so bland compared to the smell of your perfume without the hints of alcohol.
And that’s how the rest of the week flew by, meeting every day and spending most of their duration together. You’d study for your project, or watch movies, or cuddle in between those two. An undisclosed desire was dripping from your lips, yet what you have is too delicate to be recklessly disrupted, so you toy between the lines of platonic love. A hug that lingers for too long, a growing hard-on hiding under thick jeans, curious fingers that dance too close to the top of your thighs.
Tonight, Taeyong is waiting for your study date at his dorm, as always. He still hasn’t realized how late it’s gotten, lost between the painting materials that are scattered across the floor. Prussian blues, bright reds, and cad yellows. He jumps when he hears you knocking, startled by the sudden noise and his own excitement.
You appear in another one of your dresses, a red one this time, topped with his jacket that’s now a wardrobe staple for you. Taeyong thinks you look pretty as ever because tonight, you look his.
Peeking over his shoulder, you notice his half-finished work, and you’re immediately enamored with the plethora of colors that seem to reel you in. In the middle of the canvas, you see a woman that resembles you in the most flattering way possible. She’s you but more interesting, more caring, brighter, kinder. It’s an image of you, an impression of you. It’s how Taeyong chooses to see you.
You don’t even tell him hi as you walk through his doorstep, the electric look you share already saying it all. He leans over his door to lock it, just a deep breath away for your chests to meet, and the moment he’s turned the key for the last loop you’re pressed up against it. You know you’re too close when you can tell he smells like those cinnamon gums you love so much, so you decide to have a taste.
Your teeth clash as your lips crash against his, and the hunger that you feel for him overwhelms you. The night you shared at that party couldn’t even compare to the way he kisses you now, so full of purpose that he almost scares you. He leads you blindly over the small couch, grunting as he falls on top of you, and you continue to nibble his pretty lips over and over again.
Time freezes when you’re one like that, lightheaded and moving your tongues to taste each other. Taeyong grinds against your clothes, making your abdomen feel like it’s on fire, and your mouth waters at the conceivable length. He pulls away for just a moment, raw in his messy hair and puffy lips. The hem of your dress curls into his fists, and you’re shocked at how it doesn’t rip from the force.
He does the same for your underwear, impatiently taking it off of you until you’re bear and wet underneath him. He pushes you higher up the cushions, throwing your legs over his shoulders when he’s fit himself semi-comfortably. The shaky breaths he leaves against your lower lips make your whole body tingle, and when he first licks your clit you swear you’re seeing stars. His tongue gets covered in your sweet taste, tirelessly sucking and kissing that one spot that makes your voice sing for him louder. You’re just so beautiful when you finally come against his mouth, covering his chin in your juices and shaking in pleasure.
As he waits for your body to cool off, spreading loving kisses around your navel, Taeyong notices the fingerprints of paint that he has left on your inner thighs. The mere sight of you marked by a color he made on his own fires up the embers in him again, and you urge him to take his clothes off in agreement.
The first thing you notice is the delicate tattoos that subtly decorate his body. They’re small but meaningful, just like himself, and the thought of kissing every single one of them turns into a challenge. The next thing that demands your attention is his angry member that is staring right back at you, a pretty pink in color and thick enough to make you scream.
You bring him closer by the back of his thighs, pulling him in until you’re level-headed with his hipbones. Your tongue teases his tip until the whole thing bounces against it uncontrollably, so you take him all in, in hopes of calming him down. He’s hard already, so hard in fact that you’re scared he’s going to come in a few minutes if you keep at it. You bob your head enthusiastically either way, locking your eyes with his seductively and moaning around his throbbing cock. The salty excitement tingles your taste buds and he pulls you away with a sob and a tug on your hair, his face all fucked out and sexy.
“I want to fuck you first.”
The dirtiness that contrasts him excites you, so you put on your most innocent expression as you open up your hole with your index and middle finger.
“Dive in”
And that’s exactly what Taeyong does, bottoming out inside your tight wetness that feels as heavenly as he’d ever dream of. His hands roam all over your body as he snaps his hips against you, feeling up the softness of your breasts and pressing down your carotid until you mewl for him. It drives him insane just how submissive you look for him so he picks up the pace, fucking into you so fiercely that you slip from the small furniture and pile up on top of him on the floor.
You both laugh blithely at the accident and continue making out on his rug, your bodies warmed up and ready to continue. You roll your way to the middle of the living room, where Taeyong was painting earlier, and he sits you up on all fours for him. Your hands get dirty with the acrylics but it doesn’t really matter when he starts fucking you again, successfully reaching the deepest spots of you. It gets too much as you’re sucking him in, and you reach for the canvas itself for some sort of stability. As your dirty palms drag down on the freshly dried-up painting, you realize that you and Taeyong are now part of the artwork. And he surely adds the finishing touch just seconds later when he pulls out of you, painting ropes of white over your back.
This is usually the point when you have to take your walk of shame, so staying in his arms to cuddle after he cleans you up is a pleasant first for you. He helps you up your wobbly legs and leads you to his more comfortable bed, where he offers you a glass of water and plants a kiss over the carpet burns. It doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep soundly next to you, leaving you in awe of his sleeping beauty.
Somewhere close to the entrance, the print of The Lovers that you were supposed to analyze still lays untouched. Two figures with their faces covered by a white, deathlike cloth that keeps them forever apart, unable to truly communicate or touch. A frustrated desire is depicted. To some, the inability to fully unveil the true nature of even our most intimate companions.
Your phone that is thrown lazily on top of Taeyong’s bedside table flashes in bright blue light.
Johnny
I miss you, wanna come over? I have whiskey.
PART V - TIME TRANSFIXED
The sweet memories of last night flood Taeyong’s mind before he even opens up his eyes. He smiles at the morning light that bounces off his skin, stretching his arms to pull you in his embrace, yet he’s met with the flat mattress instead. He looks for you in the room that seems too empty all of a sudden, when he hears the wrenching sound of someone getting sick in the bathroom.
You crawl out of it a minute later, disheveled and wearing a t-shirt that Taeyong doesn’t recognize as his own. You were in the middle of collecting your things from his apartment when he clears his throat loudly to catch your attention.
“Did you leave last night?”
He’s met with silence. Cold, guilty silence.
“Did you drink again?”
The birds that chirp outside in cruel contradiction seem to mock him, so he moves quickly to his closet, turning a pile of clothes upside down. He finally finds an old pack of Parliaments and he lights one up, waiting for any sort of honesty from you. Your eyes stay glued to the floor, the pounding headache not making anything easier for you.
“You went to Johnny’s didn’t you.”
“Why are you asking me questions you already know the answers to?”
It’s so hard to excuse you this time. So hard to see the bigger picture. Taeyong implodes within himself like a dying star, and the tears start streaming down his pretty face. The big emotions combined with the smoke make a sob get caught in his throat, his hands pulling on the strands of hair that were previously flattened from sleep.
“Why? I thought you decided to quit. I thought we both made progress. I thought-”
“Well, you thought wrong Taeyong! People aren’t straight, symmetric lines and pretty shapes that you can place wherever you want on your canvas. They’re ugly, like cracking, bleeding paint, and I will never be the masterpiece you so badly want me to be.”
You grab your last belongings from his couch and charge towards the door, ignoring his calls of your name. The next Magritte painting Taeyong would have to see on his own.
He’s been staring at the print for about an hour now. You hadn’t contacted him for a day, and he was too proud to text you first. Your presence has become a routine, and for a moment he thinks that if he looks to his right you’d be right there, sprawled on the small couch.
The painting confuses him, as always, and with the loss of your guide he feels helpless against it. He waits for the clock on the top of the fireplace to come alive, and that is when Taeyong realizes that he’s stuck in a loop. In a life that he doesn’t have any reign over, in fear that its largeness will devour him whole.
He grabs his things like a maniac, leaves his place and gets on the first cab he sees. He screams at the driver to get to the train station quickly, a speeding ticket be damned. Strangers take weird looks at him as he hurries past them, most of them thinking that he’s late for a departure.
“Ladies and gentlemen. The train to ___ will depart in exactly one minute.”
You’re wearing the same dress you did when he saw you for the first time, entering the wagon with an overfilled suitcase. Taeyong shouts your name as if you’re the only person there because to him, you truly are. He doesn’t know when he started crying again, but the smile on your face when you see him makes his world colorful again.
Jaehyun dropped your son off at preschool, gave him a kiss goodbye before he went inside with his teacher and friends. Jaehyun came home and saw you on your knees, looking down for something under the couch, your ass way up in the air, reminding him of how he took you from behind. He looks down and sees a tent, he sighs and quickly walks over to you, bunching your skirt up and smacking your ass.
“Jae-“ he pushes your towards your kids table where they ate, drew, colored, and did their homework. “Fuck, I need you so fucking bad.” He growled and struggled to unbuckle his pants. Once his hard cock sprung out, he pushed you on your knees and slammed your head against the table. “Ouch, jae you have to be care-“ you loudly moan when jaehyun slams into you without any warning.
You push yourself off the kids table, you moan and moan, not being able to stop yourself from the noises you were making. “J-jae! Not on the k-kids table, baby.”He doesn’t listen, he continues to fuck you roughly, the little table rattling and shaking.
You let out a moan when jaehyun smacks your ass a couple times, you grab the bottom of your shirt and pull it up, holding it above your boobs, lets them bounce freely. “Jae-“ he shushes you while squeezing your boobs.
“F-fuck, ngh— i need to cum!” You cry out, gripping the table edges. “Cum, cum on my cock baby. Do it,” and so you did.
Your clenching making jaehyun pull out at the last minute before he starts spilling his white ribbons everywhere on your ass. You tiredly let your ass fall and you lean against the table, eyes shut from what happened a few moments back.
Jaehyun stands up and gets some paper towel, he wipes his cum off from your ass and throws it away.
“Jae, hun..” you pant and stand up, your legs aching, you pull your skirt and shirt back up, and walk over to him with sore legs.
“I.. I said not on the kids table.” He looks at you with a cute face, hoping you’d forgive him. “Disinfect it,” he stands up. “Yes ma’am.”
This was a request, but since I am a very impulsive person that got very carried away, this ended up being nearly 10K words with a full on rollercoaster of emotions.
Request: “Hi could you please do a smut for jaehyun from nct ❤️His bday is on valentines day so I was thinking like maybe like op and jaehyun were celebrating his bday and OP is very shy but like she wanted to make his bday/valentines day special so she bought like lingerie?Sorry I’m bad at explaining!”
You get the special treatment for sending me a little heart emoji.
Reader x Jaehyun (NCT)
[Genre] fluff, angst, MEGA smut.
[Word count] 9.7K
[Warnings] angst, profanities, insecurity, tons of smut (but ‘vanilla’, so fingering, penetration, raw sex)
Jaehyun. Jung Jaehyun. Hot king of campus who’s name is always rolling off of people’s tongues due to them expressing their desires or sharing gossip about his romantic conquests.
Kind, charismatic, charming Jung Jaehyun that was to popular to be even put in the same sentence with you. The kind of guy that only dated gorgeous women in short bursts of time, ethically, of course. Leaving them slightly heartbroken due to him not being ready for a relationship, but gushing over the amazing gentleman he was, and how amazingly “unglentle” he was in the sheets. All women parting amicably and reasonably with him, still full of fondness for him and hope that he’d call them up again.
Jung Jaehyun, the man that befriended you over a project where you were randomly paired together. He was very friendly and during the weeks you worked together he was helpful, and always made sure to take you out to coffee or to grab a treat in your spare time. You both got along well, and he gave you a bit of a heart to heart one day saying that he hoped all of the rumors about him wouldn’t make you apprehensive about becoming his friend, because he really enjoyed the time he spent with you.
Genre: college!au, friends with benefits, friends to lovers, romance, smut, fluff, drama
Warnings: smut, swearing, cheating
Word Count: 8.606
Summary: No strings attached, that was what you have agreed on. But when Jaehyun starts dating another girl, he slowly realizes that he cannot quite distinguish between love and sex.
____
The first time you and Jaehyun kissed was at a party on a warm summer night when you were both staying on a roof garden, overlooking the entire city as the moon shone down brightly at the terrace while soft music was playing inside your friend’s penthouse.
You had both been drunk and tipsy, and clearly, under normal circumstances, this wouldn’t have happened at all, yet for the rest of the night, you and Jaehyun couldn't be parted from each other anymore, kissing until the majority of the guests had left and the sun started to rise.
“Shit, how’d you make me feel like this?” he said, and you smiled at his flushed cheeks that were barely visible at daybreak.
“Shut up, Jung Jaehyun, it’s only a one time thing,” you answered. “I kissed you because we were drunk.”
“Are you trying to turn me on as I love dirty talk?” he returned, and you only laughed.
You knew each other through mutual friends as he was your friend Ten’s new roommate, yet had never really spoken to the other before. So when all your friends had cancelled that night and you thought you were the only one joining the party, you had let out a quiet “thank god!” when at least Jaehyun’s familiar face had appeared.
How you had found yourself on his lap, wildly kissing throughout the night, you also didn’t know. What you had known was that he was an exceptionally good kisser, and a funny guy on top of that, because before all this kissing had begun, you had much fun together at the party as opposed to your expectations.
Believing it was a one time thing, you had parted ways that night only to find yourself in his arms again one week later at Ten’s party.
From then on, you had not only kissed at his roommate’s party again, but several times more - in bars, at gatherings, even when you were only watching a movie together, always hidden from your friends' eyes as you didn’t want to bother yourselves with their curious questions.
And when one night, you had ended up in his bed, moaning quietly under the blanket with his hand covering your mouth to suffocate your sounds while Ten was sleeping at the other side, you started to befriend the thought that this could be a long term thing.
And you were right.
His bed, Ten’s bed, the dorm’s bathroom, the couch, even a quiet corner in the library as well as bathrooms in restaurants or other people’s houses - Jaehyun’s desire was insatiable, and so was yours.
As your sexual encounters increased, so did the level of your friendship that consisted of funny laughters, sharing secrecies and a mutual understanding you had rarely found with other people in your young life so far.
____
“The bed is so small.”
“Will you shut up and start fucking me already?”
“It’s 8 in the morning, are you ever satisfied?”
You rolled your eyes as you sat up and climbed on top of an already naked Jaehyun with only your bra on. Straddling him with your thighs on each side of his waist, you occupied the entire width of his bed - something you had always complained about, but somehow, you had constantly managed to get by nonetheless.
“Yes, just like that,” Jaehyun noted, satisfied as he grabbed you by your hips, allowing you to sink down on his entire length with a bit of guidance.
You shook your head with a smile on your lips and placed your hands on top of his chest as you straightened your back. The tips of your fingers trailed along his skin, tickling him feathery when you started moving your hips in circular motions, gyrating them against his.
Jaehyun chuckled lightly when you propped your hands against his chest to get a steady hold and gently rolled your hips with his pelvis as a physical barrier that stimulated you at the same time. He played with the strands of your hair with one hand, his lips slightly agape in a lustful mien.
What had begun as gentle rocking, you now decided to heat up and lifted yourself from his length just to slam back down on him the next moment until he was fully sheathed in your wetness again.
You threw your head back in satisfaction as you felt him hitting your sweet spots over and over again as you repeated the movement, each time a bit stronger than before - raising your hips and sliding back down. Up and down, up and down.
“Fuck, yes!” Jaehyun cursed under his breath, allowing himself to be the lazy one this time and to just receive instead of giving as well.
What still bothered him was your bra though as he witnessed how sweat collected in your cleavage, rolling down your skin and just ending where the fabric began. He just wanted to grab you and play with your boobs, so he sat up mid-motion and kept you still while he pulled the light clothing over your head and tossed it on the ground.
“Much better.”
He gave you a quick kiss on your lips and sunk back onto the mattress, feeling the steady rhythm on top of him starting once again. With his hands, Jaehyun wandered to your chest, feeling your breasts fully in his palms, bouncing up and down in front of his vision.
Jaehyun felt you clenching and unclenching around his member, grinding forward and backward to stimulate yourself as well while your hands were caressing his chest down to his waist and back. He felt himself holding in his breathing every time you came down with your hips, taking his last air.
Each time your bodies collided, you let out a moan, and when you fell limply forward on his chest with all the strength having left you because of the effort you’d given, you breathed heavily against him, not able to continue.
“Out of breath yet?” Jaehyun asked, and you nodded, the movements of your hips still present as you were close to your climax. “Well done, sweetheart, then I’m going to release you.”
A kiss on your temple was followed by a long thrust upwards that nearly knocked the air out of your lungs, and you buried your face in the crook of his neck, whimpering quietly against his skin as he pushed in and out of you at a rhythmic pace.
Your nails dug into his abs, your teeth grazing his neck as you came all over him within the next hard thrusts, your body shuddering in his arms.
“Good girl,” Jaehyun praised you and stroked your hair. “Now, it’s my turn.”
With one swift heave, he flipped you over and you hooked your ankles around his waist as he started to mercilessly ram into you. Through your half-lidded eyes, you saw a sun ray being projected to the wall, tiny dust particles dancing in the light as you closed your sight fully and grabbed behind you onto the headboard, the bed creaking loudly under your sweaty bodies.
You felt that he was close to cumming himself and held him tightly in your arms as suddenly, the door swung open.
“Fucking shit!” Jaehyun yelled and quickly pulled the blanket over you two, shielding your identity from his roommate who was casually walking in.
“Please don’t feel disturbed by my presence!” Ten sang and opened the door to his closet. “I’m only here to grab some clothes, then I’ll be gone again. And I would recommend you to get dressed a.s.a.p. as well, Yunnie, because classes are about to start in 20 minutes. But you’ll be done by then, I guess. Twice even.” He laughed.
“Shut up and leave, Ten!”
“Yeah, alright! As long as you don’t do it in my bed, just go ahead.”
“Well for that…”
“Please, I don’t want to know! Just use your own bed from now on!”
“Bye, Ten!”
“Bye Yunnie, bye y/n!”
You froze, and by the way Jaehyun’s body stiffened, he was just as shocked as you. Grabbing onto the blanket, you slowly dragged the concealing fabric out of your face and looked into the face of a brightly grinning Ten.
“Come on, don’t look so shocked!” he exclaimed. “I know! Everyone knows! We’ve known for so long, and we were always amused about the fact how you two clumsily tried to hide it. Enough with this hide and seek thing already, you wanna make it official yet?”
“There is nothing to make official,” you said ruefully. “Just pretend you don’t notice when you see us.”
“Ugh, you’re such a handful!”
Then, Ten walked out of the room and closed the door behind him. As you were left alone again, you exhaled deeply.
“So, where were we?” you seductively whispered into Jaehyun’s ear, but apparently, Ten’s appearance had ruined his mood.
“Ten’s right,” Jaehyun said and sat up. “I lost track of time, I have to get dressed now if I want to make it to class on time.”
“Okay, I understand.” You reached to the floor and grabbed your underwear while Jaehyun slowly got himself dressed as well. “Since it’s friday, we’re gonna see each other tonight at the club, right?”
“Sure.” He nodded. “But I’ll join a bit later.”
“Huh, why?” you asked. “Pre drinking without you is always so boring!”
Jaehyun laughed, but shook his head. “Admittedly, I asked a girl out, so we’re going on a date this evening.”
“Really?” you questioned, pulling up your panties. “Who is it? I have to examine her first to give you the permission to date her! Didn’t we agree on that? Even when I wanted to go out with Doyoung, you said no because he’s not able to hold his drink. And when Taeyong asked me out, you also said no because he’s ranked lower in class than you!”
“Yes, we agreed on going out with people who are like us - and they were not on your level. How can I know you’re in good hands if the guy you’re dating is not at least as good as me?”
“Personality-wise or in bed?”
“Both.”
“Well, bed-wise, you cannot tell anyway, right?”
“What I can tell you, y/n,” he explained while buttoning up his shirt, “is that they were not the right ones for you. Their pick up lines were way worse than mine, that’s not a standard.”
You whined, “Then who is right for me?”
“I’ll find him for you. Promise.”
“And the girl you’re going on a date with tonight?” you inquired again. “How can I make sure that she’s the right one for you if you won't introduce me to her?”
“Oh, she is - trust me!”
“Jung Jaehyun, you idiot, this is not what we have agreed on!”
“We’re going to your favorite ice cream parlor.” He winked. “Doesn’t it say a lot about her already?”
And with these words, he was gone, leaving you behind flabbergasted.
______
“You’ve been pouting ever since I went on that date, what’s up?”
You crossed your arms in front of your chest and stared at Jaehyun with an angry gaze.
He had come to the club two hours later than you agreed on. Even though light-hearted music was playing and your friends were all having fun dancing and drinking, you had been standing in the corner all this time, your eyes on your watch to count down the minutes to Jaehyun’s appearance.
And when he had finally decided to pop up, you were ignoring him, dancing with your friends and fleeing whenever he tried getting close to you. It had taken Jaehyun one more hour to finally pin you down and confront you. You hadn’t stood a chance anyway as he had caught you right after you came out of the toilet.
Pouting was far from the truth now. You were utterly pissed at him. How could he have taken some run-of-the-mine girl to your favorite ice cream parlor? To your insider’s tip, to the place no one knew about other than you and Jaehyun!
The betrayal felt real as you witnessed him tilting up his lips to an amused grin that he directly shot at you.
“Shut up, Jaehyun, that was my favorite place, and now I have to look for another one because your girlie is sure going to drag all her friends there!”
“Come on pouty, what are you getting so worked up for?”
“It was a secret place!” you defended your feelings. “And you’re bringing a girl after another there, go look for your own recommendations!”
Jaehyun laughed. “How can you get so worked up over a simple ice cream place? Besides, it was only one girl so far.”
“It was my place!” you screamed at him, luckily the music drowning the volume. “It was our place, and you ruined everything, Jaehyun!”
“Sweetheart… Are you that drunk already?”
He wrapped his arms around you, and you tried to escape from his grip, but you were enjoying his warmth and comfort way too much to actually really fight him, so you settled after winding a few times, your back resting against his chest.
Jaehyun wiped the strands of your hair away from your shoulder and kissed your neck, goosebumps immediately zapping through your body. Why did he always have such an effect on you anyway? You still wanted to fight him, but that was a fight you had lost a long time ago.
“Don’t sweetheart me, I’m not your girlie!”
“Oh really?” he whispered into your ear as his hands trailed down to your hips. “This morning, you proved me otherwise.”
With these words, he turned you around and pushed you against the wall, his hands roaming up and down your body while his lips simultaneously melted into yours. Screw that other girl. At this moment, Jaehyun was yours, and even a simple date couldn’t take that from you now.
You didn’t know how you had made it to the bathroom, but a moment later, you found yourself leaning against the cold wall of the toilet stall, the door behind Jaehyun locked. He was busy unbuttoning your blouse while in the background, the sound of muffled music mixed with the talking of the other people in the room, but you both didn’t care.
Jaehyun almost ripped your clothes apart, his hands desperately seeking to get rid of your clothing. He didn’t even trouble himself with unclasping your bra. Instead, he pulled the straps down and grabbed your breasts tightly while you threw your head back and closed your eyes.
He quickly pulled your skirt up and your panties aside, pushing two fingers inside into your core, then moving them in and out of you.
You let out a moan, and demanded lustfully, “More!”
You held onto his head while he fell to his knees and licked passionately between your folds before pulling his fingers out to work only with his tongue. He did it in relief with his warm and wet tongue as though he was a child tasting ice cream, and you couldn’t help but to moan Jaehyun’s name in ecstasy.
To hell with those people who were in the same room and eavesdropped you. At this point, you wouldn’t even mind if it was your own mother barging in and hearing you two.
You trembled and felt how your legs became weak. Filled with waves of pleasure that were rolling up your spine now, the satisfaction you got from his oral stimulation made you even wetter.
Instinctively, you brought your hips against his mouth, moving them up to meet his lips when you felt that he was teasing you. With your climax approaching, you wanted to finally release yourself, but you also knew that this wasn’t on the agenda now as Jaehyun was only playing with you.
“Faster, Jaehyun, please,” you urged.
Jaehyun only grinned evilly and let you go, licking over his lips sinfully. “No.”
You whimpered in disappointment, bringing your hand down to finish yourself off, but Jaehyun grabbed your wrists and pinned your arms against the wall.
“I said no.”
That devilish little fuck. You moaned in despair, rubbing your hips against each other to give yourself a pleasant feeling, but of course this didn’t work as well. You needed Jaehyun inside you as fast as possible.
“Jaehyun!” you pleaded, fluttering your lashes.
Jaehyun stood there, eyeing you while he opened his zippers. You were quite an eye candy for him. He couldn't remember the last time a woman had begged so hopelessly for him aside from the last time that he had teased you so badly, you didn’t talk to him for two days.
You went crazy in search of relief and you begging him was like music to his ears. They way you stood there, desperate for him with your chest nearly bare and your sex exposed to him, rubbing your thighs to give yourself the pleasure you were denied… Your red, smudged lips slightly open and moans leaving them… Jaehyun would be lying if he said he didn't like the view. He loved it.
He pressed you against the wall, his pants falling down as he spread your legs with his own. His cock was pressing against your hip, his hands under your bum before he firmly grabbed you by your thighs and lifted you up.
He let you slowly sink down on his hardened member, and a shocked gasp escaped your mouth, your fingers scratching and digging into the back of his neck.
“Jaehyun!” you screamed. “That’s too—“
“Shh. It works.” Jaehyun held you tightly with his strong arms, supporting your body on the wall.
He had a good view of your breasts and could do whatever he pleased with them. Thus, he began moving his tongue around your nipple in circles, leaving a hot trail of saliva all around your peaks.
You whimpered in pleasure and wanted to wrap your legs around his waist, but this position only allowed you to dangle them in the air. After moments of staying like that, his lips working on your cleavage and you on the verge of going crazy, Jaehyun began to move.
His length slipped in and out of you fast with you bouncing up and down on him. Every time his tip hit your brim, you let out a scream and your arms hugged him even tighter as though you were scared to suddenly fall. However, Jaehyun was strong enough to fuck and hold you at the same time.
With the wall behind you as support, you were constantly pushed against it whenever he shoved back into you. Under other circumstances, you would have complained, but now it only added to the hotness of this situation.
You both reached a moment in which Jaehyun couldn't concentrate on anything else besides his need to release himself anymore, so he moved faster and harder. Your screams got louder, your scratches deeper, and it all added pain to his pleasure.
He continued thrusting in and out of you at a quick pace, his hands lifting you up and letting you fall down on him over and over again. At this point, not only you two made noises, but also the stall wall giving in behind you and the loud bump whenever your bodies crashed on each other.
You were sure he was close when his breathing became more like ragged gasps, and you were as well. A few thrusts later, your walls tightened around him and your legs pressed together around his waist, your orgasm taking control of your body as it started from your toes and spread all over your upper body within seconds.
You threw her head back and hit the wall again, barely noticing the pain when the pleasure almost ripped you apart. You held onto Jaehyun’s body like your life depended on it, feeling like you would pass out at any moment.
Never in your life had you ever cum so hard, even though sex with Jaehyun was always top notch. If it was thanks to Jaehyun’s precise skills or the alcohol, you had no idea. You just knew that the best sex you had ever had in your life was in a toilet stall, in a place you weren’t familiar with, and that you were drunk, and you liked it.
“Shit.”
When your walls tightened more around Jaehyun, something he hadn't deemed possible since you were already so tight, he came as well while holding you with one hand and supporting the both of you with his other pressed against the tiles.
_____
“No, I can’t hang out with you, I’m on a date and you know.”
Click.
That fucker hung up on you!
“Grab your jacket, Tennie, we’re going on a mission.” You jumped out of your seat and met Ten’s annoyed gaze.
“Please, leave me out of this.”
“He’s taking that girlie to my favorite ice cream parlor again!”
“And what’s actually so wrong about that?” Ten asked back. “You don’t own that place, he can take whoever he wants.”
You rolled your eyes at him. “You don’t understand this, Ten!”
“I think I understand more than you,” he explained patiently. “You just called him to hang out even though you knew he was on a date, because you wanted to call dibs on him. And now that he confirmed it to you, you want to ruin his date. All because of a stupid ice cream parlor? Come on, y/n, even you are not that dense!”
“I am not in love with Jung Jaehyun, I told you many times already!” you repeated. “I just find it unfair that he’s showing some girlie my favorite places, because he’s so lazy to come up with his own ones!”
Ten groaned. “Your reasoning doesn’t even make sense. Many people go there. And you don’t hold any fond childhood memories or anything like that about that place as you only stumbled over it by accident a few months ago.”
“It’s dear to me, because it’s my place!”
“Do you even listen to yourself? I’m not a huge fan of this friends with benefits thing, y/n, because of exactly these reasons. How can people fuck around without developing feelings for each other? I can’t comprehend this. For me, it’s clear, one is always doomed to fall, and this time, unfortunately, it’s you, y/n.”
“I am not in love with Jung Jaehyun! We’re just friends.”
“Friends don’t make out when drunk,” Ten reminded you. “And the problem is that you’re not even only doing it when drunk.”
“Keep blabbering, I’ll go alone!”
The door shut closed behind you as you made your way to the ice cream parlor all by yourself instead.
When Jaehyun and you had agreed on this no strings attached thing, you were in a bad place in life. After your long term boyfriend had broken up with you, you were scared to never meet someone you clicked so well with ever again, yet you also didn’t want to get your heart broken so badly anymore.
So Jaehyun was the right person coming into your life at the right time as he embodied everything you were looking for in a man. And since you weren’t together, he also couldn’t break your heart.
You were just so afraid of losing him to someone else. Of losing someone so dear to you again. Even though you weren’t together, it wouldn’t hurt less, you sensed it.
When you reached the ice cream parlor, you had run out of breath. Since it was a warm summer day, the place was crowded, so you didn’t spot Jaehyun at first. But the moment you did, your heart immediately sank.
He was waiting in line to get ice cream with his back turned at you, and you didn’t know which girl belonged to him since there were a few female groups standing close to him, but you didn’t need to exactly see who his date was to know that what you were doing was wrong.
“I hate you, Jung Jaehyun!” you muttered to yourself.
To hell with him and his date. You hated him. You didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. He was now dust to you. Screw them!
But then... why were tears burning behind your eyes?
“HEY!” someone shouted and a sudden blow along with a painful hit suddenly dragged you to the hard ground. “You blind snake, don’t you have eyes?!” The bicycle came to a halt right in front of you and a young man stared at you with a furious gaze before he drove off again. “Stupid kids!”
You wanted to get back on your feet, but a sudden pain shot through your leg, and when you looked down at you, you were bleeding from your right knee.
“Asshole!” a male voice then shouted next to you. “Can’t you even help the people you nearly ran over?!”
When you raised your head, Jaehyun stood beside you and reached out his hand to help you up. Reluctantly, you accepted his offer and got back on your trembling feet. With much care, your friend pulled out a tissue, got on his knees and pressed it against your wound.
All this time, Jaehyun didn’t say a word, and it hurt you even more. The funny thing was that you didn’t even know why it hurt so much. Whether it came from your wound or from your heart. Hesitantly, you tended to the latter.
“Does it hurt so much?” Jaehyun then asked softly as he arose. “It’s a road burn, so it sure must sting.”
It was then that you realized that you had actually started crying. Luckily, Jaehyun blamed the wound for your reaction.
“Whoopsie-daisy!”
With one swift motion, he had you in a piggy pack, and you got embarrassed getting lifted like a child in front of so many people.
“Jaehyun, let me down!” you protested, but the back of his head turned to the left and right in a shaking motion. “I’m not a little child!”
“No way. Hold on tight, we’re going back to the dorms.”
“What are you doing! You have to go back to your date!”
Your body moved up and down with every step he took, but no matter how loud you protested, he held you safely in his arms while walking back to the campus.
“It can wait,” was his final response.
Even now, he was putting you first, and you realized that if you were the girl he was madly in love with, you wouldn’t want someone else to always meddle. If you were the girl he was in love with, you wanted him entirely for yourself. And if someone like you existed, that would never be the case.
It was then that you realized that not the girl was the problem, but you. You and your selfishness.
“I’m so sorry,” you apologized while more tears streamed down your face.
And it meant so much more than sorry for having interrupted the date. If you wanted him to be happily in a relationship, you had to let go. So your sorry also stood for having to part ways.
“It’s alright, y/n.”
And somehow, Jaehyun felt it coming.
___
“How come I always end up calling you when I cannot fall asleep?”
“Because my voice is so soporific?” Jaehyun yawned into your cell phone as you turned to your side and pulled the blanket over you. “What’s up that late in the night, y/n?”
“You remember that one time we went to the zoo and you were chased by a goat?”
He chuckled through the phone, and it sounded so soothing to you that you could listen to him giggle all night long. “Why are you coming up with this now?!”
“I just watched a documentary about goats.”
He laughed again. “You’re crazy. How’s your wound, y/n?”
“Much better, but it’s already been a few days, so that’s usual.”
“Great!”
“When will we see each other again?” you asked.
You inhaled deeply. Staring at your dark ceiling, you already sensed his answer.
Throughout the past few days, you had had enough time to emotionally detach yourself from Jaehyun. But even though you thought you had succeeded in doing so, hearing his voice brought back all the feelings you had tried to hide so hard from yourself and from others.
Because you had realized that you were very much in love with Jung Jaehyun.
And that probably made it so much easier to listen to the following words he uttered that had been due quite a time ago.
“I think we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”
Speaking these words out made real what had been in your mind for days. But you knew you two had to do this. Not only to protect his growing relationship, but your feelings as well. Even though he was oblivious to the last.
There were many guys out there who were just as good as Jung Jaehyun. You just had to look for the perfect one again. Perhaps, one you could absolutely not fall in love with to prevent you from experiencing another heartbreak.
That was why you didn’t fight. You didn’t even object. All you whispered back was the simple word, “Okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Mh-hmm.”
“But that doesn’t mean we cannot still be friends.”
With tears welling up behind your eyes, you explained hastily as you feared you’d lose courage, “Friends don’t make out when drunk. Friends don’t casually fuck each other. We don’t work without these things, Jaehyun. That’s why you’re no longer my friend.”
“Y/n.” Jaehyun inhaled audibly. “What does that mean?”
“I…” Your breath caught and you were shivering all over. But you weren’t able to bring these words over your lips. In the end, they didn’t matter anyway. “I wish you all the best with your girlfriend.”
Click.
This time, you hung up on him, and when the line went silent, you cried yourself to sleep as your heart hurt so much, you thought it would shatter all over again. But this time, in a thousand pieces more.
Breaking up with someone you were together with was difficult already. But breaking up with someone you weren’t even with in the first place, was much worse.
Jaehyun didn’t call you back.
____
Two weeks later, Jaehyun introduced his new girlfriend to the friend group when you had a small sit-in in the guys’ dorm.
For everyone, except probably for you, it came as a surprise as they had all thought that your little deal was still going on. But ever since that call, you hadn’t talked to Jaehyun, and neither had he tried to reach out to you.
Perhaps, it was because he had realized as well what kind of bullshit you were trying to keep up with this friendship pretence. Perhaps, he had also genuinely fallen in love with this girl who was nothing but kindness and sweetness in person.
Whatever it was, it helped you pick up the shattered pieces of your heart one by one. One day, you’d get where you were before you had met Jaehyun, you were sure about that.
“Hey.”
Until he suddenly stood in front of you. And all your feelings came crashing down on you at once.
“Hey.” You smiled shyly, your hand propping against the kitchen counter for support. “Your girlfriend is nice.”
“Yeah.” He smiled back and closed the door behind him. “She’s lovely.”
Silence enveloped the both of you. Before, you had talked nonstop all day long. Today, there was only awkwardness and embarrassment left.
“I heard you were going out with Johnny.”
You shrugged. “Only twice so far.”
“Mhhmm… I see.” Pause. “I was very hurt, you know.”
You raised our brows. “Why?”
“Because you just cancelled our friendship,” he reasoned.
“Jaehyun… we cannot have a friendship without getting physical. You know this.”
“I know!” he protested. “I realized as well, that was why I haven’t called you back. Why I haven’t tried to reach out to you again. I thought that entering a relationship would end all this.” He scoffed, nearly sounding desperate. “I thought I could have both. Love and sex. But these two just don’t go hand in hand for me, it seems.”
“What do you mean?”
“I cannot have sex with my girlfriend. I just… can’t. It’s not fun when it works. But most of the time, I’m not even getting it up.”
You shrugged. “So? What has that got to do with me? Why are you telling me this?”
“Because you were the last one I’ve slept with. What changed? Why can’t I do it anymore when we were doing it all the time together?”
You felt your heart pounding hard against your chest and fluttering at the same time when you replied boldly, “Perhaps, you just don’t desire her.”
Jaehyun stepped closer to you while you retreated, but there was no way to escape his intense stare as your hips hit the kitchen counter a moment later. “Why is it then that I feel so much desire towards you?”
Seeing the confusion in his eyes, you watched him in the same intensive manner. Breathing in deeply, you were only able to stutter, “Jae… Jaehyun, I-”
“One last time.”
… Before his lips landed on yours - and you didn’t even withdraw.
You were pushed against the counter while Jaehyun removed your top simultaneously, attacking your cleavage and every bit of your bare skin with hungry kisses. His lips opened and he sucked at your neck, his tongue licking over your tender skin and causing you goosebumps.
It had merely been weeks, but you only realized now how much you missed and longed for him.
Jaehyun reached the top of your bra with his lips and and captured your breasts with his mouth and hands after he had pulled the fabric down, building up your lust by carressing them.
You threw your head back as you let him pleasure you as he pleased with your hands entangled in his hair, pulling him close as you felt his tongue swirling over your peaks. You didn’t care about your friends, his girlfriend or the unlocked kitchen door at that moment.
With his other hand, Jaehyun dragged your skirt aside, then pulled your panties down and grabbed you by your hips to seat you on the counter.
He smirked as he let you unbutton his jeans that fell down and then draped around his shins, grinning at you widely and watching you hooking your fingers in his boxers in a hurry. When you had finally freed his member from the tight fabric, his length sprung free while you simultaneously parted your legs for him.
With your lips finding each other again and your arms around his neck while his were holding you by your waist, Jaehyun pushed you against him with his hard cock nudging against your thighs. When he had found the right angle, he pressed into you deliberately and also a bit hurriedly.
You had your head on his shoulder when you felt him ramming into you, and admittedly, the counter wasn’t the softest place to have sex on as you got sloppily pushed back and forth whenever he moved in and out of you, but it didn’t take you long to throw these thoughts aside as soon after, pleasure took over.
It had been so long since you had last been with Jaehyun, and only now it dawned on you how much you had not only missed his kisses and touched, but also his entire presence.
His laugh, his warmth, his humor, his wittiness, his kind heart, his… entire self, his whole character.
Because Jaehyun had grown to be more than a friend with benefits for you. He had grown to be the man you loved and wanted to spend your life with.
But he wasn’t supposed to be with you.
Yet, you were trying to get rid of these thoughts, your nails digging into the nape of his neck while you had your eyes clenched shut, the surface under you getting wet with all your juices while you were holding onto Jaehyun who had his arms propped against the edge to increase his pace.
Your thighs cramped, and you pressed them against his waist as you leaned back closer to the counter, Jaehyun following your angle with his lips against your cleavage. Only his groans were audible as you tried to meet his rhythm, but didn’t succeed in doing so except for a few grinding motions, hence you were only able to wiggle around, desperately wanting to meet him halfway.
Thrusting forward at last, your hips met faster, slapping against each other with an increased speed than before. You whimpered, and Jaehyun knew you well enough that this was a sign that you’d cum soon.
Anticipating the edge of climax, you panted his name in need. "Jaehyun... Jaehyun... Jaehyun."
It was music to his ears, so he raised his chest and enjoyed the sounds you made. Hearing his name falling from between your lips was enough to drive him over the edge.
He pushed forward into you until both of you were crying out in release and came all over each other.
“Glad to see that you had fun.”
With sweaty foreheads and eyes wide in shock, you turned aside without even having the chance to come down from your highs, and found Jaehyun’s girlfriend standing at the kitchen door, your friends right behind her, curiously looking into the room.
“Wait!”
Jaehyun didn’t even spare you another look before he pulled up his boxers as well as jeans and hurriedly followed his girlfriend out of the dorm.
Suddenly, you didn’t feel excited, in love and high anymore. Instead, you felt worthless, ashamed and disgusted.
“I’m never eating in this kitchen again.”
Even Ten’s comment couldn’t put a smile on your face at that moment. You shamefully dressed yourself again, and he sent everyone away to stay behind with you.
“Y/n…”
“Please…” You shook your head. “I don’t need a lecture right now. I know. I know that I was wrong, that we were both wrong, and I regret it deeply. It will never happen again.”
“Good. You’re right,” Ten commented. “Have you at least realized now that you’re in love with him?”
With your arms crossed in front of your chest, you nodded nearly invisibly. But Ten had been friends with you long enough to know.
“I know that you’re afraid of getting hurt again. But this… This is no solution to your problem. It’s probably even worse. Jaehyun is not hurting you. You, yourself, are.”
It was then that you realized that tears streamed down your face. “I’m breaking my own heart,” you were only able to utter.
“There is only one way to end this, y/n. And you know what it is.”
“I... know.”
___
You blocked Jaehyun on all your social media, including his number.
You didn’t want to get tempted to see what was going on in his life, nor get tempted to contact him on any platform. You didn’t want to be his fuck buddy to make sure he’d get it up again and help him pleasure his girlfriend.
Perhaps, you had lost sight of it along the way, but you were a human with feelings as well, and sometimes, you had to put them first above all.
When Jaehyun announced to attend a gathering, you stayed at home. When he spontaneously showed up, you left the party right away. When you saw him randomly on campus, you hid yourself until he was gone. When he was at the same club, you’d leave immediately.
Life was hard without Jaehyun for you as you started thinking that perhaps, you hadn’t meant much to him after all. You had blocked him everywhere, yet you were still hoping for him to contact you using another way.
But he never did.
He never contacted you through your friends, nor did he ever show up at your dorm. And that made you incredibly angry as you called yourself out on having double standards. You wanted him to stay away, yet fight for you at the same time.
Aside from being angry, your life also turned sad. You went to the ice cream parlor alone. You didn’t have much fun at the mall or your life overall anymore. And when you felt down, there was no one you could turn to.
Life without Jaehyun was dull.
__
“Yes, right there.”
You bobbed up and down on Johnny, your skin slapping against each other making clapping-noises, and you closed your eyes.
You were trying so hard. Really, really hard. And it was not the first time that you were sleeping with each other, but just like the times before you felt… absolutely nothing. You were not able to enjoy it, no matter which position, which circumstances…
“Oh yes…”
Johnny grabbed you by your bottocks and flipped you over so that you were lying underneath him.
This was actually one of your favorite positions, because it was so intimate, so you hoped that perhaps this time, you’d be able to enjoy it.
But even with Johnny’s soft gaze on your eyes and his tender touches on your skin, you felt… nothing.
Except for the hot tears on your cheeks.
Yet, Johnny didn’t notice them as you shifted your head aside and let him continue sinking in and out of you.
With your eyes closed, you observed that it wasn’t that bad. With your eyes closed, it was endurable since you hadn’t Johnny’s face right in front of your vision. Nobody could stop you from blending Johnny entirely out, and nobody noticed - so you just did.
Instead of Johnny, it was now Jaehyun who penetrated you. And although there was a significant difference in their technique and individual scents as well as manners, it was enough to get you through this without crying anymore.
In your imagination, it was Jaehyun who now turned your face to face him and pressed a kiss on your lips. It was also Jaehyun who brought you to hook your thighs around his waist, sat up and slapped you ass.
“Jaehyun…”
It was also Jaehyun who you held on to like a lifeline as you only concentrated on the pleasant feeling coiling up inside your groin, but no matter how hard you got stimulated, you were never truly able to reach the point of climax.
Because it just wasn’t Jaehyun.
Even when he only existed in your imagination, it just wasn’t enough. Was this what Jaehyun had meant about not being able to have sex with someone else? Was this a pattern to continue on for the rest of your life?
You didn’t want to live like this. To be so attached to Jaehyun and let him determine your life when he wasn’t even in your life anymore.
“What’s wrong?” Johnny suddenly stopped his motions, withdrew from you and sat up.
You were only able to shake your head as you dragged the blanket over your naked body and shifted to the side, burying your face in the fabric.
“It’s not you,” you sobbed. “It’s me. I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”
“Is it because of Jaehyun?”
You didn’t dare to look him in the eyes. “Why would you want to know?”
“Because I heard you muttering his name more than once. When I first thought it was actually mine, it suddenly became clear to me.”
You froze, still avoiding direct face to face confrontation as you didn’t miss his bitter undertone. “Oh…”
You were tired of talking back to him. If this was the truth, so be it, and there was nothing you could change about it. You only felt sorry for Johnny.
“Please leave.”
You willingly did.
___
When you joined the party, it was already late at night as you had been occupied with your studies.
“Here, I already got you a drink ready!” Ten said upon your arrival as he thrusted a glass into your hand. “Your favorite.”
“Great, thanks!” you laughed and already nipped on it. “So, did I miss something?”
But he shook his head. “Nothing much. Some people are playing spin the bottle the rated version in the living room, but it’s way too boring for me, so I only waited for you.”
“Uh-huuu. Let’s search for the others.”
Suddenly, you both turned around as a huge ruckus made noises that even drowned out the loud music that was being played in the background.
“You fucker!”
You heard it crash from somewhere and flinched at the noise.
The shouting noises came from the kitchen, but when you looked at Ten, he only shrugged in the same clueless manner as you.
Some people were already rushing to the kitchen where the continuous screaming came from and you both followed them only to find Jaehyun having grabbed Johnny by the collar and looking at him threateningly.
“You fucked my girl, you asshole!”
Johnny looked like he had been pushed a few times already, defeated. “I didn’t fuck your ex girlfriend, are you nuts?” Johnny defended himself.
“I didn’t mean her!” Jaehyun shouted back at him. “I meant y/n!”
The next moment, all eyes were on you, and yours were on Jaehyun.
Only when Johnny’s gaze followed the others’ right to you, Jaehyun did the same until his eyes widened at the surprise that you stood there, in the middle of the crowd, not understanding the world anymore.
“Jaehyun, you ass, let him go!” you shouted at him. “I hate you!”
If you had stayed, you would have seen his soul mirrored in his eyes that broke into a thousand pieces at your hurtful words.
But you only turned around and ran out of the house.
____
There was something comforting about flannel pajamas, so when you dressed yourself in yours only an hour later after the happenings at the party, you felt even more comfortable than in the shower shortly before.
Rubbing your towel over your head, you dried your hair and stood yourself in front of your mirror, questioning the face that looked right back at you. A face so red whenever it remembered the words,
“My girl.”
He had decided against you, yet he still had the nerve to mark you as his.
Just who did Jung Jaehyun think he was? And why did your heart bump so fast whenever you recalled this scene in your mind?
“Y/n!”
You flinched at the sudden, hard knock on your door. The voice behind it, you had recognized it by the first syllable as you had only heard it merely an hour before.
“Go away!” you shouted back at Jaehyun and approached the entrance.
Unfortunately, your roommate wasn’t with you this weekend to chase out the intruder herself.
“Y/n, please open the door!” Another knock followed.
With the towel still over your head, you just meekly asked, “What do you want here?”
Pause. “I want you to stop seeing Johnny.”
You snorted and shook your head. “Why? What has that got anything to do with you?”
“A lot, actually.”
“I’m willing to listen.”
Another pause followed, and you wondered whether he had already decided against speaking to you and vanished, but then Jaehyun raised his voice again.
“When we had agreed on our little deal, you didn’t want to get your heart broken by a man again. I wholeheartedly wanted to fall in love with someone, but you didn’t. So our deal had an expiration date from the beginning. When I started dating my ex, I thought we could only be friends. But as you said, friendship doesn’t work for us without sex, and it was so unfair towards the girl. I was also so afraid of breaking your heart like your ex did.”
You bit your lip as your heart started racing. “Why would you think that?” you wanted to know through the closed door.
“Because I don’t know how to do relationships. I’ve never been in one. I only know how to fuck and to fuck up. So, when I realized your feelings grew as well as mine...”
You breathed in deeply. “So…?”
“I had to get away from you in order to not break your heart, no matter how hard it was, and no matter how much I fought against this solution. I thought having another girl would help me move forward and keep you away at the same time. Yet, I didn’t want to lose your friendship. That was so selfish of me. So when you suggested we’d stop seeing each other… I agreed and went along with it. But it resulted in the opposite. I couldn’t stop thinking about you at any second. You’ve been on my mind at all times.”
Stepping close to the door as his voice lowered, your palm touched the surface of the wood. You imagined the door as invisible and him standing right in front of you.
But you weren’t just ready yet. Even though his words were endearing, they weren’t exactly quite what you wanted to hear just yet.
“Oh.”
Jaehyun continued, “As time passed, I thought it’d stop. But it worsened. So when I heard today that you were with Johnny, I just couldn’t suppress my feelings anymore.”
Feeling hotness rising to your ears, you dug deeper, “What feelings exactly?”
“I couldn’t have sex with my ex girlfriend. And also not with anyone else after that with whom I tried. You’re the only one I can have sex with. That I want to have sex with. I thought love and sex don’t go hand in hand for me, but I was wrong. They belong together for me.”
“Jaehyun that sounds like…” You gulped.
“Please,” he interrupted you. “Let me say it first. It took me long enough to realize and then finally accept, but now I know why it’s like that. It’s because I love you. Apparently, I cannot do it without being in love like I’ve always thought anymore. I can only do it when I’m madly in love.”
For a moment, time stopped for you.
“And I love you, y/n.”
“Do you... mean it?”
“I mean it when I say that I never want to hurt you again from now on. When I do though, I swear to heaven that I will try to make amends, no matter how long it’ll take me to have you trust me again. But I don’t want to think that far into the future yet when we’re only at the beginning. I just want you to be mine from now on as you’re the only one for me.”
“That’s all?”
“Nobody will ever be good for you. Because none of them is me. I am the right one for you.”
“How are you so sure that I’d say yes?”
“Because I swear that you have the same problem of not being able to sleep with other people as me.”
You rolled your eyes, but still opened the door. There he stood, right in front of you the next moment, his worried mien getting replaced by a bright smile.
“A very smug thing for you to say, Jung Jaehyun.”
He approached you and grabbed the towel draped on your head. With both hands, he dragged on the edges, pulling you close to him.
“But I love you anyway.”
The kiss he placed on your lips tasted full of love.
GENRE Fluff, Angst, Smut, Friends with benefits AU
WORD COUNT 1.5k
AUTHOR’S NOTE Because I like the trope where FWBs fall in love.
SUMMARY Jeno finally builds up the nerve to ask you to stay.
Jeno’s parents had always been keen on steering Jeno towards a righteous path. It was not uncommon for them to remind him to choose his friends wisely, to not engage in things like drugs or alcohol. They added on sex, too, an awkward conversation (for him) about keeping it in his pants because at his age, apparently sex was like a drug too. Too bad he slipped up a bit there, but nevertheless, Jeno turned out alright.
Problem was, they never warned him against a potential side effect of sex, something that might surmount to greater repercussions than sex, drugs, or alcohol. And that, of course, is what almost every person worships and seeks during their time on Earth: love.
“The label between you and Jaehyun were always “just friends” but deep down, you both knew it was more than just that. How much more? Well you’re about to find out.”
Rated Mature & Angst.
[Author’s Note/ Okay so this was a little random and all over the place lol. I apologise for that but I kind of dreamt of something like this yesterday… so here we go. Enjoy~]
pairing: jung jaehyun + reader
genre: smut, fluff
word count: 1,4k
summary: Lazy rainy nights with Jaehyun.
a/n: hello!! finally a new fic after a long time lol this is just random and short smut becuase i forgot how to properly write. but i hope you guys like it!!
Genre: smut, angst, fluff | fwb to lovers!au + college!au
WC: 1.2k
Warnings: multiple orgasms, daddy kink, unprotected sex, tiny dash of impregnation kink (reader is on birth control)
A/N: hi there! here's a short story for you. I hope you enjoy it and let me know what you think <3
You told yourself this was the last time. The last high. The last taste. The last fuck. You told yourself you would stop after tonight, but you also said the same line the last two times never going through with it. You knew better than to come over to his dorm when he asked for help on a homework assignment. Jaehyun never did homework.
You don't know why or how he is so intoxicating let alone keep coming back. Maybe it was for the dick. Maybe it's the way he fucks your brains out every single time or maybe it's the way he makes you feel. You both agreed to be fuck buddies. Nothing more, nothing less. That was the deal and you were going to stand by it and honor that deal.
You don't know either when you crossed the line between lust and love. It could have been when he kissed you out of nowhere when you grabbed coffee before your 9AM class. Maybe it was that time when the weather was cold and rainy. You forgot your umbrella and all you wore was a light jacket until he gave you his umbrella and an extra sweater. Later that night, you had a fever and he stayed over to take care of you. Maybe it was the time you caught him looking at you a little longer than intended to when you were studying at the library.
Or maybe it was the time you accidentally slept over for the first time. When you woke up that morning, you looked to your side and took in all of his features. The way his lips form a pout, the way he looks beautiful as he slept, the way his muscles relaxes and the marks you left on his skin. You remember that morning as you fought the thought of going back to sleep and pretending to be shock when you woke up again, but you thought better of it. So you quietly left. You don't know when, but you know for a fact you are deeply in love with him.
So here you are, a moaning mess underneath him as he rams his hard cock into your wet pussy. Every stroke he delivers is bringing you closer to the edge. Your legs on his shoulders as he fucks deep into you. You really thought your organs were going to be rearranged with the amount of force he was doing.
"Fuck y/n, you love how I fuck your tight pussy don't you baby." He looks at your fucked out expression. He loves the fact it's him bringing you ecstasy. You try to keep eye contact, but every single thrusts hits your sweet spot making you roll your eyes back. You love the image of him on top of you with his concentrated expression fucking you really good.
"Y-yes Jae, shit, I love it when you fuck me stupid." Your pussy clenches around him signaling you were close to your orgasm. He leans down to kiss your lips as you wrap your arms around his shoulders, hands running all over his back, until he thrusts harder than ever making you claw his back.
The bed is creaking and the headboard is banging against the wall. "You look so pretty baby. Cum for me princess. Cum for daddy." he grunts in your ear. As soon as those words left his lips, you were coming undone as your fourth orgasm of the night hits you.
"F-fuck, your pussy feels so good around me. You're the best fuck I've ever had." His thrusts were becoming more erratic letting you know he was close to his high.
"Cum in me daddy, please. I want you to cum in me. Make me have your babies." He mutters a low fuck as you whispered sweet nothings to him. You didn't even know it was possible and soon you felt your fifth orgasm. You feel his warm cum fill you up as his hips begin to falter as he fucks you both through your orgasms.
He gives you a peck on the lips before pulling out and collpasing beside you, both of your chest rising and relaxing as you catch your breaths. It's quiet for a moment as your brain runs a thousand miles per hour. You've contemplated many times in the past to tell him how you felt. It was better to rip off the band aid now rather than playing the waiting game.
You knew he wouldn't reciprocate your feelings because Jung Jaehyun never does relationships. It's also not like you two were exclusive fuck buddies either. You two could fuck whoever you wanted because that was always the deal. Just fucking with no emotions, but that was your mistake because ever since the first week of hooking up, you've never seen anyone else.
"Jae?" you quietly say without looking at him.
"Hmm?"
You take a deep breath in, avoid looking to your side where he laid in all his glory. This is now or never, you thought to yourself.
"Hmm?"tn love with you and I know you don't do relationships and we agreed to just be fuck buddies, but I can't do this anymore. I know you don't feel the same way about me and I get it so there's no hard feelings there. What we had was fun while it lasted, but along the way I started to fall for you and I can't pinpoint exactly when, but I am in love with you and we're just on different pages."
You closed your mouth as soon as you realized you were rambling and word vomiting your entire feelings out in the open. When you waited for him to say something, anything, all you recieved was only silence. That was your answer and your heart was breaking even though you've prepared for this moment.
Little did you know, during your confession, Jaehyun looked at you in shock soon replaced by amusement. He wanted you for so long, but thought you only wanted sex. Now you're telling him you wanted him the way same as he did. He couldn't help but smile at you and think how cute you are.
"I'll get going now." You move to get up when Jaehyun gently grabs your wrist.
"Y/n please look at me"
Preparing your heart even more, you turn to look at him only to see him smiling as he sat up. He interlocks your hands together before looking back at you.
"I'm in love with you too. I tried to make it obvious I wanted more with my subtle gestures, but I guess they were too vague. I've wanted you ever since I kissed you at that coffee shop, but I was scared to say something because I thought you just wanted sex. You're all I think about day and night and you drive me insane with how cute you are, like your little ramblings or dancing when you think no one is watching. I just love everything about you and I love you."
You couldn't believe it. Jung Jaehyun, your fuck buddy, the man you're in love with, is in love with you too. You couldn't help but giggle and smile widely as you hug him making him fall back onto the bed. His booming laughter bounces off the walls and the butterflies in your stomach are doing a marathon. You look at him as he boops your nose making you lean in to kiss him passionately.
"And I love you." you say.
"I love you more though." he says back.
"Don't turn this into a competition Jae." you whine.
"Why? Is it because you know I will win?" he teases which you hit him lightly and gave him a pout. You both lay in bed for hours cuddling and talking and eventually drifting off to sleep.
You finally had Jaehyun and Jaehyun finally had you.
A/N: Thank you for reading this, I hope you guys enjoy it! Please excuse any grammatical errors, I read it over but shit probably slipped through.
Jaehyun thought about it all, from the beginning.
There was a level of stupid that could not be cured. He feared he'd hit it.
He thought about the first time he met you, at the park. You were walking your friend's dog, the dog was huge and seemed to be walking you. So you didn't have much of a choice when it dragged you towards where Jaehyun was sat on a bench. You caught his eye immediately. The dog stopping at his feet and sniffling like a mad man as you caught your breath not too far behind.
Jaehyun remembered being mesmerized by you from that moment on.
He thought about the last time he spoke to you, the encounter ending with you kicking him out.
That was three months ago. Jaehyun could hear your question in his head still, it clanked around his brain a lot.
"What do you want from me?" You'd asked, anger lacing every word. He'd said nothing, but he wanted everything, as you asked the question he'd realized how messed up he was. How selfish he was, it's not like he could help it though.
It was hard for him to change, his life moved in such a way that it was hard for him to be anything but the way he was. He got everything he wanted and more, he wanted you at his side and he wanted more.
But he can't have everything he wants with you and you made that clear to him, he can't have you and every other girl. So why was he still stuck on you? Johnny speculated that it was his pride that was hurt. At some point, it was that, but now it was just him. He hurt period.
He hurt every time he'd see you smile and realize that he was not the reason for that smile.
He was at one point the boy that could make you smile with only a few words but that was until he decided that you weren't enough. That he needed the more. But you see when you lose the everything before the more, the more seems bleak. But it was too late for him, too late for him to realize that he wants you and that you are everything and more.
Jaehyun was selfish though and as much as he told himself that he can't bother you again, that you don't belong to him. He found that his feet had dragged him to your apartment building again anyway.
His eyes stayed glued to the buzzer of your apartment for a long time. His mind racing against him, as he couldn't reason out why he was here but he couldn't walk away.
Sighing he gave into himself and pressed your buzzer. Your voice flooded his ears making sweat gather in his palms as his nerves took over.
"It's me." He spoke, his voice cracking as he tried to sound less pathetic but failed.
"Jaehyun?"
"Yeah."
You didn't say anything and for a couple of minutes Jaehyun stood there wallowing in his own pity, but a loud noise went off signalling that you'd let him into your building. So with slow steps, he made his way to the elevator.
His heart was pounding against his chest as the elevator opened and his feet led him to your door. He took a second before he actually knocked.
When you opened the door, for a second his heart stopped. You looked the same, you looked perfect. His eyes glued themselves to yours. Quickly he stuck his hands in his pocket afraid that he'd reach out and try to hold you if he didn't.
"What are you doing here?" You asked. Your voice even as you stared at him with a blank face.
"How are you and Eunwoo?" He asked in return. You rolled your eyes at him and turned away from him leaving him at the door as you walked back into your apartment.
Jaehyun didn't hesitate to follow. Closing the door behind him as he took off his shoes.
"It didn't work out." You replied as you sat down on the couch. Jaehyun held in his smile at your reply, but it wasn't that hard seeing as he felt like shit for even feeling happy about it.
Jaehyun stayed standing, he took in the apartment his eyes going to your book self instantly, the glass bear gone.
"What happened?" He asked, you gave him a hard stare before turning back to your TV.
Fair you didn't have to tell him.
"Can I sit?" He asked moving closer to the couch.
You simply nodded not looking up at him still. It slightly hurt that you wouldn't even look at him but he couldn't say he didn't get it.
He sank into the couch next to you, his eyes gearing into the show you were watching.
Jaehyun waiting for the commercial break before he spoke. His head tilting towards you as he fisted his hands in his pocket.
You were already looking at him, your eyes blazing with anger towards him.
"Why are you here Jaehyun?" You asked for the second time. He didn't answer staying silent this time, he didn't know why he was here.
To get you back if he could?
To apologize?
To see you?
All of the above?
He couldn't get a single word out though, you were on your feet your hands flying out to grab him by the front of his shirt pulling him onto his feet.
"You're a fucking asshole Jaehyun." You seethed. Your left-hand letting go of his shirt to hit his chest
Jaehyun let you. He let you scream at him and hit him. Until you couldn't anymore until the screams were halted by hot angry tears that were streaming down your face and you fell against him.
"I fucking hate you Jaehyun."
Your forehead rested against his chest as you heavily breathed trying to calm yourself.
Jaehyun stared at the wall, his arms circling around you so that he could pull you onto his lap as he fell back onto your couch. His heart hurt as he let you break down against him.
"I'm sorry Y/N." He whispered into your hair as he held you to him. Your hands curling back into his shirt as you tilted your head to look up at him.
Jaehyun looked down at you, his hands tightening into your skin as he took your face in. Your eyes are swollen and red from crying. Swallowing once he let his hand trail to your hip as he lowered his face to yours.
He hesitated, to let you push him away if you wanted to but you simply continued to stare up at him, your lips slightly parting.
He closed his eyes as his lips connected with yours, and that was the end of his control. The way your lips felt against him was too much, he didn't realize how much he'd needed you until this second. His mouth opening against yours letting his tongue lick into your mouth as he did so.
He felt like a starving man and you were the only thing that could sate the hunger that was building in him. He gripped your hips roughly as you moved your legs to straddle him.
Your hands tangled into his hair pulling at the strands gently as you ground down on him. He moaned into your mouth letting his mind fall blank as he gave in to the feeling of your body against his. His cock hardened against you as your heat moved against him.
The sound of your lips against his filled the room as your kiss grew heated. Jaehyun swallowed your moans in his throat as his hands trailed up the back of your shirt. His mind fogging over as he realized you weren't wearing a bra.
He pulled back from you as you went to take your shirt off. Quickly ripping it over your head. Jaehyun was quick to react, his mouth pulling one of your nipples into his mouth to suck on it harshly, his eyes looking up at your blissed out face as you moaned his name and arched into his mouth.
Grabbing for his other hand and bringing it up to your other breast as you continued to grind on him.
Jaehyun swore in his mind as he let go of your nipple with a pop. His other hand dropping from your boob as well, he panted as he looked at you, taking in the sight of your worked-up body. He couldn't help but let a smile slip through as you turned your gaze down to him again.
He drove up to you again quickly grabbing your face as he pulled your lips back to his. His armed worked fast turning you over so that you were on your back on your couch underneath him.
Jaehyun pressed a kiss to your jaw before sitting back on his heels to take off his own shirt and then your sweats throwing them to some corner of your living room.
Leaving you in just your panties, his hands combed over your body his fingertips grazing over your heated skin as if he was trying to memorize every bit of it, because he was, he wanted to make sure he never forgot this feeling. Never forgot how much he needed you, never forget that he couldn't let you go again.
Jaehyun was shocked when you sat up, he watched you as your hands darted to his waistband pulling at it.
He chuckled getting the message and took them off. Quickly returning to you, he pressed a kiss to your collarbone pushing you back down onto the couch.
He trailed kisses down your stomach until he was at your pelvic bone, biting into the soft skin he drew a moan from you as he finally pushed aside your panties, his mind working in overtime as he let his tongue drag up your slit.
Your taste exploded on his taste buds, egging him along to move his mouth to your clit to draw it into his mouth, harshly sucking on it. He smirked against you when your hips squirmed up towards him.
You let out a whimper when his hands darted out to hold you down against the couch, Jaehyun felt like he was floating due to the sounds he was drawing from you.
Adjusting quickly so that he could hold you with one arm he brought his other hand to your core, slowly pushing a finger into your entrance.
He kept his eyes glued to your face as he did so, watching your reaction. Your face curling up in pleasure as he slowly began to pump his digit in and out of you.
Your breathy moans filled the roam, ringing in his ears like a song he hadn't heard in a long time. When he felt like you could take it he added another finger.
His hips rutting against the couch as he became painfully hard from just this. His tongue lapped at you taking in everything as you grabbed at his hair. One of your hands looping into his hand on your hip.
Jaehyun curled his fingers inside you to hit the spongey spot inside you that caused you to moan louder and after only a few strokes you came on his fingers.
He dipped his head down pulling his fingers out and covering you with his mouth, using his tongue to help work you through your orgasm. He didn't stop once you came down from your high.
Chuckling to himself as you tensed up from the overstimulation, your whimpers guiding him along. Until your hands grabbed at his head.
You pulled him away from your core pulling his lips to yours as you sat up.
"Get on the floor." You said pushing at his shoulder.
Jaehyun obliged getting up off the couch he moved to the rug, you followed. He grabbed your hand when you pushed at his chest again.
"I want to ride you, Jae." You whined. He closed his eyes at your words. His brain swirling with desire as his erection throbbed.
You were going to be the death of him.
"Next time baby." He replied, softly taking your wrist and pulling you to the floor underneath him. His hands grabbing the elastic of your panties to take them off and throwing them aside before he grabbed your thighs and settled in between your legs.
He pushed his lips against yours again, kissing you until he himself couldn't tell which breath was his and which yours. Your soft skin sticking to his, but he lived for it. This was was one of the many things he missed. Having you on him like you were his world, like he was yours.
Your hands pulled at his shoulders, your nails digging into his skin as he moved his cock through your folds, his tip hitting your clit with each slow drag.
"Jaehyun please." You moaned. He wanted to be inside you just as bad as you did, but he was afraid he'd come the moment he pushed into you and he didn't want that. So he just let out a breathy laugh as he sucked at the soft skin on your neck.
You whined for him again, your words heating his blood and all of it pouring to his red and leaking cock. He hovered over you his hand grabbing his erection to line up with your entrance.
"Shit," he cursed, "I don't have a condom." His shoulders slumped slightly as he realized that it would have to stop here.
He bit his lip as he looked at you expecting to see annoyance but only seeing an amused smile.
"I'm on birth control, don't worry." You replied, letting your leg wrap around his hip and pulling him towards you. His tip pushing against your entrance as you did so.
Jaehyun moaned loudly as he slowly pushed into you. Your legs wrapping around his hips as he bottomed out, your own hands scrambling to grab at him as he fell over you, both his hands by your head as he breathed heavily above you.
"Fuck." He cursed. He wasn't going to last long, not with the way your walls hugged him. Your heat sucking at his cock, he hissed as he drew out slowly before pushing back into you. His arms flexing as he shifted his weight to repeat his actions.
With each thrust his mind became hazier, his eyes lost on your face as you moaned his name. His brain cataloguing the way your face morphed into pleasure with each one of his movements.
His veins heated as he drew closer to his orgasm.
"Y/N."
"I'm close." You moaned. Breathing erratically Jaehyun bit your bottom lip before licking into your mouth, his tongue working with yours. Your taste invading his senses.
You came, your walls clenching at him. He thrust a few more times before he came as well. His mind; consumed by you entirely.
He let himself still and continued to kiss you for a bit longer. He moved his lips against yours slowly letting his tongue play with yours, he had to pull away only to breathe resting his forehead against yours.
"So you're gonna leave and then not call me right?" You asked.
"No. I'm not gonna leave. I won't leave you, and if you want me to prove it. I will."
— summary: jaehyun had always thought of your love as a constant star in a midnight sky: always there, lighting and setting the direction of his every step. the problem with stars? they don't last forever, and when they burn, they burn fiercely.
inspired by the pazzi conspiracy of 1478 and its dramatization in the show "medici: masters of florence".
— word count: 9.8k (9,829).
— warnings: mentions of violence, mentions of murder, mentions of dysfunctional families, sexual content (cunnilingus, unprotected sex, mc has a vagina but no gender is ever specified). may be subject to historical inaccuracies!
— a/n: the events written in italics are memories, and thus, they happen in the past! everything else takes place in the present. it's my first time writing smut, so even if i'm a bit nervous about how it turned out, i hope you like it! as always, the biggest thank you to the love of my life @svtxsoju for making sure this entire thing makes even a little bit of sense 💞. playlist will be linked in the rbs!
part of the historical collab hosted by @puppywritings!
Jaehyun had first met you when the sun was shining bright.
He remembers it all, down to the very first minute, your face carved deep within his heart, your voice echoing somewhere in the back of his mind. The feeling of your skin, the sound of your laugh. The slight burn from the sun and the refreshing gusts of the cool spring wind. The melody that comes from deep within the forest, a chorus of breeze and leaves, the sudden chirp of a bird. He remembers the feeling of butterflies flying both past him and inside him, his cheeks burning up when he turned to look at you. When you turned to look at him.
“What is it?” You asked, voice soft against the wind. A laugh promised to break from your throat, “Don’t tell me you’re keeping it a secret again.”
“I like it,” he answered, smiling up at you as he looked up from his paper. “I like seeing your face when you get surprised. It gets you all excited, and the excitement makes you happy.”
“It’d also make me really happy if you told me what you’re working on,” you tried, huffing as he shook his head in your direction. “Come on, not even a clue?”
“A clue,” he said, resting his chin on his hand. The grass prickled at his skin when he moved, but he didn’t mind. He’d spend hours on the meadow with you, finding love under the sun. “Okay, let me think. Only one, though.”
He gave you a kiss. A soft, quick, loving peck, warm against your cheek. And you smiled, laughed as you circled your arms around his neck, pulling him into an embrace and falling to lay over the cool, green grass. You laughed against his skin, breath prickling his neck. And he held you as tight as he could.
“How was that for a clue?”
It’s almost like a lucid dream, the way the scenes play out inside his head. He’d say it’s a memory, but the stories rolling inside his head feel much more vivid, much more real, that he’d almost think it’s the present time. If he didn’t know better. If he had known better once.
If he closes his eyes it’s almost like you’re right there, next to him, reaching out to hold his hand right as he reaches out to hold yours. If he lets out a breath he can almost feel you touching his cheek, laughing next to his ear as you kiss the sweet spot below his ear. If he smiles the faintest smile he can almost kiss the top of your head, hearing your giggles as a song flows out of his lips like honey, enveloping the two of you in a saccharine bubble the outside world wouldn’t dream of bursting.
If he thinks about you, he can remember what it is like to be happy.
“I thought you weren’t gonna come today,” you said, twirling a piece of grass in your hands. Despite standing all day under the sun, it still felt cool to the touch. “I waited here and watched the clouds float by, wallowing in my sadness.”
“Well I watched the clouds float by as I walked here, too,” he answered, laughing, and looking at the sky. “If you think about it this way, it’s almost like we’re connected.”
“You can watch the clouds from almost anywhere,” you mentioned, eyes closed. The breeze felt cool and smelled sweet, like freshly picked peaches. “Isn’t that nice? If you think about it the way you said, it’s almost like we’re always connected.”
There had been something about you that always made Jaehyun feel like you were the sun yourself; brushing his skin with your lips, keeping him safe in your warmth. Maybe it was in your smile, or in your touch, or in the feeling in his chest that erupted whenever he got to hold you in his arms. Maybe it was in you always being there, an anchor keeping him next to you even when the tide threatened to tear you apart. Maybe it was in himself finally feeling alive when in your presence, like a flower growing healthy and strong under the delicate watch of a constantly burning star.
He remembers endless mornings spent bathing in the sun, a piece of paper and a delicate stick of coal, emptying thoughts into paper, turning feelings into art.
Him, laying on his stomach, trying to capture the delicate movements of a butterfly’s wing when finally setting flight, crisp strokes with surgical precision, carefully transforming delicate feelings into delicate lines like some sort of alchemy; the final product more valuable than gold or whatever precious metal came to mind, all modeled in you. For you.
He’d never told you, and you had never guessed, but all of the thick, cream tinted sheets adorning your walls gave you an idea: one that felt, sounded, and looked like you.
“You keep looking at me,” you whispered. Jaehyun looked over, turning so his smile was the first thing you saw when you opened your eyes. “Are you drawing me? Maybe I should have chosen a better background.”
Jaehyun pursed his lips, trying his best to bury down a laugh. A giggle escaped his throat despite his best efforts to remain serious, the blank expression he wanted to convey breaking down into a smile.
“I was about to say I was actually drawing the tree right behind you, but I guess I just gave myself away.”
“Mmhm,” you muttered, smiling up at him. “You’re a terrible liar, Jung Jaehyun.”
“I wouldn’t need to be a good one anyways,” he laughed, his eyes traveling back to his canvas. He looked at his traces, and he felt pride. Pride of being fortunate enough to capture you in a portrait he’d carry wherever he went, etched deep in the bottom of his heart. “Not with you.”
Deep down, all of them always did. It was nothing he tried to deny, or even hide, as it was clearly visible to everyone around that you composed Jaehyun’s own heart and soul.
It was in the way he held you, as close to him as he could, always fearing you straying too far out of his reach. It was in the way he spoke to and about you, voice turning to liquid sugar as he caressed you with his speech, whispering your name as if part of an incantation, artistry and lyricism only rivaling that of the ancient poets forever praising their deities. It was in the way he looked at you, eyes burning with devotion as if yours had been the very hand that had painted the stars in the midnight sky.
And now it’s in the way he’s still sure you’re the axis the earth spins on, thoughts still going back to you.
He’s sure you’re still everything and everywhere, for he sees your face wherever he looks, he hears your voice wherever he goes. It’s in the delicate petal of a flower and the gentle chirp of a bird, and in the faint golden glow of the setting sun, that he finds comfort in the sense of your presence again. And it hurts, it hurts so much that he feels his heart is about to thump out of his chest, because he knows it’s the only way he can do it again.
You live in his memories in a way you don’t in the real world anymore, because, in his memories, you are happy. When he dreams about you, you feel close enough to touch, and when he thinks about you, he’s sure he can almost hear you. He can hear you laugh, and he can see you smile, and he can witness the way your eyes light up at the sight of him. He can remember the tone in your voice, so soft it felt like velvet, always so light when you spoke about the love you felt for art. For him.
“When will you let me see it?” You asked, looking over at him as he rolled back on his back.
He wasn’t looking at you, instead looking all around. The sun shone against his face in a mix of golden hues, shadows resting on his face like the delicate brush strokes he always spent hours perfecting on his own paintings. At that moment, you were sure that Jung Jaehyun, artist, was a masterpiece in and out of himself.
“Well, that’s a bit of a surprise as well,” he answered, hand stretched out in your direction. You took it in yours, and his fingers caressed yours. His skin was warm, warm against your touch. Warm because his heart was beating, and beating a happy beat. “Maybe you’ll catch a glimpse if you ever come by the workshop.”
“Oh, I go by the workshop almost everyday,” you laughed. “Does this mean you’re painting it? Jung Jaehyun, are you really gonna paint a portrait of me?”
He nodded his head. When he smiled, dimples appeared on his cheeks, and you were happy because you knew he was too.
“The most beautiful portrait I’ll ever paint.”
He can remember the way you made his stomach erupt into a million butterflies with the flick of a finger and the most simple syllable of hello, meaning much more to him than the crafter words of any professionally trained poet. He can remember dreaming, dreaming under the sun, closing his eyes and imagining a thousand scenarios where everything went the way he had always wanted: well. He can remember having hope.
And just oh how foolish he had been.
Jaehyun had always been happy with a brush on his hand.
In a way, it had become an extension of himself, and it wasn’t just the skill he’d managed to garner with the tool, but the way the brush kept managing to dip down into his soul and figuring out his feelings before he even had the chance to do it himself. It was almost like it acted on itself, delicate brush strokes meaning much more than simple oil on canvas; they were unspoken words finally muttered. Thoughts finally taking form, feelings finally being deciphered.
In front of a blank canvas, with the promise of a stroke in his hand a thunderstorm brewing in his head, he felt free. The glide of the brush, the smell of the drying paint, the finished artwork, they were all parts of himself coming together. It was all the way he became himself, the way he found himself in a rainbow that started and ended with you.
“Your brother’s table again?” You asked, voice trailing behind you as you walked into his workshop. “Just how many times is he gonna ask you to draw the same three apples?”
The room, brightly lit, was one in the (still) decadent wing of his palace. The walls were covered in canvases, some finished and some in progress, years of work exhibited for whoever walked in. Still, no one ever did but you and him, and there was something in the way he trusted you that still, years later, shook you to your core.
He let you see his soul when it was bare, and his soul when it was in progress, and his soul when it was finished, because you were in every single picture. You were there, in every single step of the way.
“Until he doesn’t have any more apples,” he answered, brush still lingering over the painting. Not close enough to touch it, but not too far apart to be completely separated. Like the two of you, it was always only at arm’s length. “Then, he’ll ask me to paint three oranges. Or three peaches. Or three of whatever fruit he has in hand.”
“Maybe he’ll welcome that change. I doubt he likes apples just enough to have them completely drape the walls of his home,” you laughed. “But maybe pears? Your brother strikes me more like a pear guy.”
“Who cares if he likes pears or apples better,” Jaehyun turned, joining you in your laughter. His hands went to yours, fingers interlocking immediately. “He’ll make me paint either of them. Whichever one is more expensive will come first, though.”
“It’s such a shame he has no sort of artistic vision, don’t you think? He asks you for the same background too.”
“You have me for the artistic vision, though. You’ve always had me.”
And it was true. Jaehyun’s love for art dripped out of every pore, swallowing him into a bubble you dared to venture only because you knew he’d keep you afloat. He’d anchor you to land, heart locked with his so tight you’d never fear straying away from him. From comfort.
“And I wouldn’t dream of having anyone else.”
It wasn’t long until his love for art extended to you, too. After all, after spending a lifetime together, both of his greatest loves were meant to blend together somehow, and you weren’t going to deny something that made him feel as loved as it made you feel cared for.
He was there, the first time you decided to let a brush graze upon the white linen of a fresh canvas. He was there, too, the first time you finished a piece. He was there to mumble in your ear, fill your head with preaches and tell you how much he wished everyone around you could witness just how talented you were.
“Any suggestions?” Jaehyun asked, stepping back to take a look at the painting. “Be honest, do you like it? It will be the next thing my brother stares out when he contemplates life, or whatever it is he does all day.”
Still far from done, Jaehyun can see the progress on his mind rolling in by steps. He can almost feel his hand moving, as if practicing the strokes, the brush on his fingers feeling like it’s where it belongs.
You let out a laugh.
“Your brother’s fruit variety is too grand for me to not like,” you joked, smiling when he turned to look at you. “I think it’s delightful. And when you’re done, I think it will be even more beautiful.”
“Would it be too self-absorbed of me to think you’re saying that just because you love me?”
“It wouldn’t. It wouldn’t be true either, though. Jung Jaehyun, please remind me to never allow you to pursue a future in divination.”
Rolling his eyes, Jaehyun lay down his brush in a glass full of water. The remnants of paint in its tip swirled around the liquid like smoke, quickly spreading, coloring the water a translucent shade of red.
Taking a step towards you, Jaehyun cleared his mind of any thoughts regarding the ongoing painting. His brother, his demands toward him, and even the ridiculous request to paint his table once more vanished from his thoughts.
He focused on the wind sweeping in through the windows, the large white curtains rising and falling in accordance to the will of the breeze. He focused on you, staring back at him with a smile on your face. He focused on the chirping of the birds that came from outside, and the sound of leaves rustling with the wind. He focused on the sunlight reflected on the terracota tiles of the room, shadows quickly forming a painting consisting of light and empty space.
He’d always said there was art in everything, and with you around, it was easier for him to see it. You, and the love he held for you, made the world a beautiful place.
“Join me on a walk, will you?” You asked, hand stretched out in his direction. “The weather is quite nice to pass it up.”
He didn’t have to think twice. His feet made their way to you, quickly and surely, like a wandering man finally coming home.
The last time you went to the meadow, night had already fallen down.
It was a different place altogether once the sun had gone down; peaceful, yes, but with that sense of peace and quiet came a sort of magic that hung in the air. It enveloped you, blood turning into stardust as soon as the breeze hit your skin.
It had been a night like all of the others; a night you were supposed to spend back home. Inside. And yet Jaehyun had shown up at your house with tiny pebbles crashing against your window and the promise of a night spent in each other’s arms. It wasn’t like you, escaping. Spontaneity was Jaehyun’s thing, always dancing around the rules set on yourself, himself, and any others.
That night, though, with your room dimly lit by a few candles and the sky lit by a thousand blazing stars, the decision had been easy. You followed Jaehyun’s lead, taking his hand and jumping into the unknown in a simple leap.
Without looking back, you had disappeared into the night, mere shadows running across the trees.
“God, it’s so nice out here tonight,” you said, once you had finally reached your usual spot. “Thank you for not letting me stay home and listen to my brothers talking about money or whatever it is they discuss all day.”
Laying on the grass next to your lover, the constellations above you were raised like artwork in a gallery, and you were there to delight upon the grand design.
“Just when I was thinking you were starting to take interest in banking,” he joked. “You’d take this entire city by storm.”
Laughing, Jaehyun took your hand in his and brought it up to his lips, pecking your palm and keeping it close against his chest. His thumb ran up and down the back of your hand, a caress that wasn’t born from a thought but from an instinct, and he sighs when feels you scooting over until you’re right next to him.
You turned, nuzzling your face against his neck, pressing a kiss against the tender skin. His free hand, the one not clutched to yours, traveled down your body, caressing you over the fabric of your clothes, his touch moulding into you. You sucked on his neck, tongue running over the skin as Jaehyun let out a groan that sent shivers down your spine.
“Baby,” you whispered, your breath hot against his skin. Your words, the sultriness behind your voice and the breathiness in your tone makes him elicit a nervous giggle. “Kiss me.”
Even then, a lifetime after you had first met, you still never failed to make him feel like everything was, once again, your very first time. You were still a mystery to him, a treasure yet to explore, a miracle still left to wonder.
“Or am I gonna have to kiss you myself?”
He stopped laughing, but the smile on his lips didn’t fade. He looked at you, laying down on the grass with the stars reflecting on your eyes, and finally leaned in. His skin touched yours and it’s almost like he was on fire, senses quickly directed to you, mind fogged with the closeness of bodies and souls.
He connected his lips with yours, opening them into a kiss that took your breath away. He sucked on your bottom lip and it was almost like you were flying, thoughts and feelings all centered upon the feeling of Jaehyun’s affection.
A moan escaped your lips, kiss momentarily interrupted.
“Are you that eager, baby?” He said, still dangerously close to you. His words ignited a fire in the pit of your stomach, and you could begin to feel your wetness running down the outside of your core. “So eager for my touch? Are you already moaning just for the feeling of my mouth on your skin? ”
“I’m s-so wet,” you breathed out, your free hand quickly finding the hair on the nape of his neck. It was soft and silky as you thread your fingers through it. “I want you to touch me, Jaehyun.”
It hadn’t been the first time, and neither of you had a way of knowing it would be your last, but it’s almost as if you did. It was like his body craved yours, as if he was desperate for your touch.
You had become much more than his muse. Moonlights had passed and years had gone by, and you were far beyond being a source of inspiration. You were a living, breathing, deity for him to worship. To adore. And he made sure of doing it, as passionate during the nights as he was during the day; lips traveling down your body, kissing you with so much fervor it almost threatened to burn against your skin. It ran like a fire, wild, consuming everything in its pace until only but a scorch remained.
And you enjoyed every second of it.
“You’re breathtaking,” he whispered, words muffled against your core. He didn’t separate himself fully, alternating between talking and nibbling at your clit, mouth always on you. “You, all of you, are a masterpiece.”
“Oh, please” you muttered, a whine escaping your lips as you tightened your grip on his hair. Your fingers were prickling at his scalp, a moan leaving his throat when you tugged on the roots. It traveled through your core, vibrations making you wither against the grass. “Jaehyun, please don’t stop. God, please, please don’t stop.”
He didn’t.
“You taste so sweet against my tongue, baby,” he whispered, only raising himself slightly to look you in the eye. His pupils, blown out wide; his chin, coated in your wetness; his lips, plump and forming a wicked grin. Jaehyun, artist, was the purest form of art.
He pulled you closer, as close as he could manage, sucking on your clit as his hands kept you down against the grass.
“I’m-,” you mewled, your voice breaking. You heard his voice, speaking something that sounded like a praise, but your mind was blank and you were sure that you were melting, heartbeat thumping loudly against your chest. “I’m- oh!”
His name leaves your mouth in rapid mentions, words slurred and mixing in together by end as he kept hugging your legs while he brought you to your climax.
It hadn’t been the first time, and neither of you had a way of knowing it would be your last, but it’s almost as if you did.
Under the pale moonlight, Jaehyun made love to you.
Under the pale moonlight, Jaehyun caressed your soul until it joined his, and sang his song until it sounded like yours. Held your hand, trailed your skin, savored your name on his tongue until it sounded like a miracle. He felt his heart beating against his chest, thumping in a beat that resembled yours.
He joined you in your pleasure, losing every drop of self restraint he had shown. The gentleness of his touch, and the patience of his kiss, it all came crashing down when he tasted bliss on your lips and felt excitement in your touch.
“I’m so close,” Jaehyun grunted, quickening the speed of his thrusts. He’d started on a slow, melodic rhythm, tending to his ministrations in the way he did to his caresses: with devotion. But he had held you, and he had felt you, and it had always been oh so easy to get lost in the feeling of your body against his. “You feel amazing around me, baby.”
His rhythm was frantic, uneven, desperate, and he was too lost on his search for pleasure to care. Throwing his head back, Jaehyun’s hand came to find your clit, eliciting a whimper to come out of your lips. You were fighting the urge to close your eyes, wanting to set your eyes in Jaehyun’s face as it contorted in pleasure.
He was in pure bliss, eyes closed and mouth slightly open, a thin layer of sweat covering his forehead. His hair, disheveled, fell in thick curls on top of his face, like a golden frame presenting a blissful artwork. He wetted his lips with his tongue as he groaned, brain too overwhelmed with feelings and pleasure to be able to produce any other sounds.
“Fuck,” he whimpered, words followed by a breathy moan. He felt you clench around him, senses lit alive by the feeling and the sound of his skin meeting yours with his thrusts. “Oh, my love.”
He slumped forward, forearms propped up against the grass as his movements became more erratic, keeping him on top of you as your foreheads came to touch. Closing your eyes, and with Jaehyun buried deep within your core, his name fell out of your lips like a desperate plea.
He had answered, whispering your name when he felt himself come against your walls. He kept thrusting his hips against yours, trying to remain in whatever degree of heaven he had reached while he milked his orgasm to its full.
Feeling his seed nestled deep within you, you pecked his lips. You could still taste yourself on him, and the thought alone was enough for you to reach your peak once more. He deepened the kiss, and the heat behind his affection consumed you whole.
It hadn’t been the first time, and none of you had a way of knowing it would be the last. But you felt it, somehow, and it translated to the desperation that gnawed at his chest until nothing but an instinct remained. The two of you longed to hold on, and it wasn’t just a holding onto each other as it was to the idea of each other. To the idea of a lover that led each of your paths in a way that only kept you as close as you had been for the entirety of your lives.
You laid on your back, and you looked up at him. The stars reflected in your eyes, an entire galaxy for Jaehyun to explore, and there was nothing that held him back from doing it. He stared at you, eyes set on yours as he reached his high, and the same stars on your eyes came alight in the back of his mind.
The world stopped spinning, and there was nothing but you. The grip on your hands tightened, and he kissed your lips, drowning in every single droplet of love you had to give.
“I love you. I’ve loved you every day I’ve spent without you, I’ll love you every day I’ll spend with you. Our love will be here, and I’ll watch the stars burn out before I ever put it at risk.”
Under the pale moonlight, he swore an oath to you.
Under the sun, he broke it.
Things had started out good.
A childhood friendship turned legendary romance, a politically strategized union turned tragedy. Jaehyun had long since heard that nothing lasts forever, even when dealing with happiness, and it had proven to be true, no matter how hard he had tried to fight against it. There’s something behind finally realizing there’s no way to hold on, feelings and people slipping in and out of your life like air running between your fingers.
There was nothing he could have done, because everything always ended up leading to the exact same place. Far away from you.
“Nothing but tragedy could ever come out of a love that shines so bright,” his own brother had said.
His voice had been stern, eyes never quite meeting his, feelings never really completely there. The house was quiet, stoic, no other sound traveling through space except for the ones coming out of their own mouths. An eerie portrait of the man sitting in front of him, mind always somewhere else. Heart always vacant.
“It’s like a star. It burns wild, unreserved, exhausting its own oxygen under the impression that it’ll last forever, but it won’t. In the end, its strength fades, and the star itself ends up burning out. It becomes nothing more than the pale ghost of the bright light it once was.”
He didn’t listen. He didn’t have a reason to, and maybe it was his own ravenous optimism, the bite of being young and careless. Maybe it was the effect that came from being in love with you, and of you being in love with him, because there was something in your touch that constituted a promise of forever that had yet to be tested.
Your love for each other bloomed the same way your friendship once had: through the years. It was carefully tended to, gently handled, lovingly thought of. You’d become each other’s source of happiness before you even figured out your own, running into each other’s arms whenever you needed to find the comfort of a home.
Throughout your lives, it had hid behind being each other’s best friends and most trustworthy confidantes, being oh so painfully easy to hide until it simply wasn’t anymore: until it threatened to consume you. Until you finally let it grow wild. Free.
“You should listen to me, Jaehyun, because I know this world better than you do. I know that wrecked family, inside and out,” he said, spitting out the words as he turned to face the balcony. His brothers’ eyes set on the tops of the trees beneath the mountain, all across the valley.
His voice sounded like thunder and stung like venom, and when he frowned his eyebrows Jaehyun was struck with how little he actually knew the man standing in front of him. They’d grown up, side by side, but a part of him really couldn’t see if his brother had left part of himself in the years that had gone by.
“They are our friends,” Jaehyun retorted. “Our family. As such, they deserve our loyalty.”
“No. They took from us until we had nothing else for them to take,” his brother spat. “Look at us, Jaehyun. All we have is this falling palace, memories of past glories and titles that aren’t worth a single penny. Meanwhile, all they do is gloat in their never-ending riches, and you still care about them? I can’t even look at you with a smile on my face.”
“That’s your own fault,” Jaehyun said, voice sounding like it was made of steel. “They have nothing to do with the fact we’ve never been anything close to a family. That’s your own fucking fault.”
For a while, Jaehyun had been surprised at how easy it had been to recognize the blame. It would have been much more normal to do what his brother had done, and blame someone else, get angry at the world, turn his back against it before he pointed fingers at his own family. He realized, long after, he had said it himself.
It never even felt like a family in the first place, much more than it felt like a game of guarding interests.
No matter how much he tried, Jaehyun could never pinpoint the exact moment when his brother had turned against the world, but he never felt like he really needed to. His brother never needed a reason to be greedy, so he didn’t need to look for one either. There had always been things thicker than blood, powerful enough to tempt a man to the point beyond despair. To the point where loyalty became a word simply out of a fairytale. Some unreachable ideal.
“Don’t blame me for your failed family love fantasies, Jaehyun,” his brother had muttered, fingers gripping the side of the chair. “We could have had it all if it wasn’t for them. You’re just too busy playing teenage lover to see it.”
Jaehyun knows now that part of his mistakes come from believing that people feel the way he does. Love the way he loves, trust the way he trusts, because nothing else feels as natural. He knows the way he saw people through a rose-colored vision made him unable to see them as they were, because he cared too much about the world to imagine people failing it in any kind of way.
He never would have guessed people would have wanted to taint your smile, destroy your happiness, but they did. There had been no way for him to believe someone would have been able to look at you and see in your smile someone worth breaking, and all in the name of greed. All for money and power, because that’s everything that the world came to account for.
Jaehyun and you had been both pawns in someone else’s game, and there had been no way for him to realize. You shone such a bright light on his eyes it blinded him towards everything else, and sooner or later, he would have come to pay the price.
“They’ve always had everything they’ve ever wanted, and I’m gonna take it from them. I’m gonna repay the favor, and once I’m finished, they’ll all be left hopeless. Each and every single one of them.”
He had warned you.
He pleaded with you, begged until his throat had gone dry. He had asked until tears dampened his cheeks, hugging you close as he kept repeating the exact same words.
“Please, whatever you do, don’t go to Mass tomorrow.”
He couldn’t tell you more. He couldn’t bring himself to, and now he knows he should have. He knows he should have let you see the monster that hid beneath a skin you’d touched. A skin you’d kissed. A skin you’d adored, tempting fate every time you dared to lay your love upon it.
“It’s Sunday Mass, Jaehyun,” you replied. You ran your hands over the soft linen sheets adorning your bed. “I can’t just skip it without a good reason. You shouldn’t skip it either, you know. I’m sure my father will be very pleased to see you there.”
“Please, listen to me,” he said, once more. His voice was coarse, as if he’d spend the entire day pleasing the way he was doing now. “Don’t go. We’ll go next Sunday, okay? I’ll see your father on Monday, but please, please stay here tomorrow. Don’t go near the Cathedral.”
And he should have insisted. He knew you believed him, because you always had, but one of the things he loved about you was that you had your own mind. There had been a sense of restlessness in your soul, some unresolved teenage revelry. The words that mattered the most to you were your own, and it had always been like that. His only hope stood in believing, no matter how absurdly, that maybe his words had come to mean something to you too.
“Fine,” you said, giggling afterwards. “I’ll stay here. You can join me if you’re not going. I wouldn’t like it if you let me here alone, with nothing else to do but contemplating my own boredom. Maybe you can tell me what this is really about.”
Some part of you felt part of some big secret, too lost in the thrill that came with tasting the forbidden. Its nectar traveled down your throat and you drank it all, savoring the taste of danger until there was nothing left for you to delight on.
Jaehyun forced out a laugh. He was sure you noticed, but you never pointed it out. You let him be, and you simply were by his side, and, in a way, that only strengthened your connection. Freedom had been born in your embrace, just as much as love had bloomed in your kiss.
“This is about you and me,” he whispered. “Believe me, please.”
Laying down next to you, Jaehyun’s hand searched for yours. It always did, and it always found it. He always found you, because you were never too far away from his touch.
“Hmm, I believe you,” you hum. “Did you ever think we’d be here, Jaehyun? Lying like this? You were always there, but I don’t think I could have ever seen you coming. And then you took me by surprise. I think I’d believe anything that came out of your mouth.”
“I think I always hoped we’d be here,” he confessed, hands caressing your skin. “I had no way of knowing, but thinking you could somehow love me back always kept me hoping.”
Jaehyun smiled, and it was real. It was impressive, the way your voice never failed to anchor him to the moment. To you. It came to him, like a divine revelation, a sacred song, luring him to safety.
Tugging on his hand, you pulled him to you, pulling him into your arms, and trying to provide the same comfort you had felt when he had done the same. Your heart called to his, and it mirrored its beat, like two drums that echoed in the background of the most beautiful song.
Now, his thoughts don’t even reach you. He tries to look back into his mind, and he finds you. He sees you standing right in front of him, hand stretched out, almost pulling him in. He sees the sun reflecting on your skin and feels the warmth of your body, and it feels too real. Too raw. It feels like you’re tearing at his skin, grasping his heart with your bare fingers, pulling at his soul.
It hurts, because no matter how close you feel, he can never touch you. Like a siren’s song, your voice calls to him in his daze, and, without giving it a second thought, he plunges head first into the freezing water. He tries to hold you, to touch your hand, to kiss your lips. He tries to hear your voice, to taste your skin, and you always slip past his fingertips. You always turn to mist when he takes a step.
Like a siren’s song, the memory of you still calls to him, and then leaves him drowning in the deepest corners of his mind.
“You’ll stay here, right? Promise me.”
“I won’t move a finger.”
Oh, God. Please be wary of my soul.
You didn’t listen. And you should have.
You should have recognized the rawness in his voice, the fear in his eyes. You should have done what you always did, and let yourself revel in your naiveness. You should have seen danger where it laid, waiting for you to take the first step into a trap that tasted like the sweetest honey, and felt like the softest velvet.
A trap that looked, smelled, and sounded like him.
You should have trusted him a little more. And you should have trusted him a little less, because trusting him at all had been the reason why it all went wrong. Trusting him had been like taking a threat’s hand and following it blindly, like a fool that always followed the sun.
You should have known better. And you should have ran.
Jaehyun didn’t look for you when he came in, but again, he didn’t think you were there at all. He walked in, eyes set on the people sitting close to you. Fingers wrapped around his locket, he took a seat at the back and waited.
You didn’t see him when he came in, either, because you didn’t expect him to be there. You didn’t hear him, either, because you didn’t think you would. You didn’t feel him, because you didn’t know he’d be close. Jaehyun wasn’t supposed to be there, but then again, neither were you.
Heart beating rapidly against his chest, he wished he was braver. Closing his eyes, he wished he could have had a choice. Letting out a breath, he realized he had. And he wished he had taken it.
He hoped you weren’t there. He hoped you had listened to him. Somehow, deep inside, he had thought you would. Somehow, deep inside, he had thought he could save you.
Whispering a prayer, he wished he could, someday, be forgiven. Forgiven for having betrayed you. For the pain he’d inflicted. For the pain he would inflict, not only on someone else, but also upon himself.
Whispering a prayer, he saw his brother come in. He wished he could have turned away, run as far as his legs allowed, but he was turned to stone. Feet almost glued to the ground, eyes set on his brother’s grip on the hem of his pants, he tried to swallow, but his throat had gone dry. His brother turned to look at him, face void of emotions, expression blank.
His brother started walking, drawing stares from the people sitting at the pews. The music stopped. Jaehyun stood still, eyes frantically scanning the front of the church for any signs of you. Of a thwarted plan. Of a danger that wasn’t himself.
All he could hear was his heartbeat drumming against his ears. All he could see was his brother pulling out a knife. All he could feel was pure fear, running through his veins in what surged like a rush of adrenaline. And all he could think was of you.
The fight broke out, and chaos erupted.
Long ago, Jaehyun had thought of running away. He had the idea of leaving everything behind but you, because there was no point in having anything if he didn’t have you, too. He’d told you, laid down his plan, but there had been something tugging at your chest that was greater than the idea to escape.
It was the dream of a happy ending. Like the ones you’d heard about. The dream of Jaehyun eating a fresh peach from your garden after a long day. The dream of hugging him under the setting sun, eyes fixed on his, kissing him under a lilac sky. The dream of running down the meadow by his side, laughing carelessly against the wind.
And then he saw you. And he wished he hadn’t.
Maybe you had been foolish. Foolish enough to ever believe a happy ending was real, but nothing had ever proved you otherwise. Brought up in a life of comfort, the world, to you, was a fairytale, and you and Jaehyun were simple characters in a story that sounded a lot like love. Like the kind of love that was strong enough to dare any odds, grandiose enough to inspire poetry. Like the kind of love that was poetry.
The thing about poetry though, is that it can speak of misfortune. Of pain. Of tragedy. And it can make it sound beautiful.
That day, you didn’t listen. And you should have.
It all happened in a flash, and, to this day, the events that came to change your life are still blurred inside your head. Like a running stream, the memories come back in gusts, never clear enough for you to follow. There’s flashes of clarity between moments of darkness, and his face is in every single one of them.
And you wish it wasn’t.
You wish you hadn’t been there, and it’s not because you wish you could have saved yourself. You wish you had listened to him, and stayed home, because if you had, you could have saved him. You could have saved the idea you had of him. The idea that constituted a hero, like the ones you’d heard about in myths, their songs always accompanied by a lyre. Like the ones whose stories were pictured in the sky, their glory still present for entire generations to witness. But heroes, you’d come to learn, were hardly ever happy.
You saw him, standing as the farthest away from you he’d always been. For a moment, he was almost a stranger, because, for a moment, there was nothing about him you knew. You didn’t know his stand, defensive; you didn’t know his voice, raised; you didn’t know his eyes, afraid.
Jaehyun was there, in front of you, and yet it felt like he wasn’t.
Deep inside, you know you should have seen it coming. You had seen the signs. You had felt them. The change in his attitude, the tone of his voice, the dullness in his eyes; it had all still tugs at your heart. It still robs you of your sleep, leaving you breathless after wishing you could just go back in time. It comes to you in the realization that even if you could go back to when it all fell apart, there would be nothing for you to do to stop it.
You can’t fix a broken soul, and you can’t stop the rain from falling.
You turning to face him seemed to pull him out of his daze.
He ran to you, reaching you in what felt like a second. To him, though, it felt like an eternity.
“You’re not supposed to be here! You shouldn’t be here!” He yelled, voice raising like thunder in the midst of chaos. And, like thunder, it shook you down to your core. It held you frozen at your feet, staring at him in disbelief. “Run! Run and don’t look back!”
You stood there. People screamed all around you, passing by you in their best attempt to free themselves from the madness. They all wanted to escape, but their despair only prevented you from doing it, sending your senses into an overdrive that blinded them from responding.
Your mind was set on Jaehyun, and the fear behind his eyes, and you could do nothing but stare. You could think of nothing else but the despair in his voice, and of how you had never thought it’d be something you’d ever hear. Jaehyun, a hero: afraid.
“Please!” He bellowed, voice breaking. He looked like a madman, holding your hands in his and trying to wake you from your daze, though without much success. His touch, once comforting, felt numb against your skin. “God, run! Go!”
You couldn’t respond. Thoughts, words, questions and pleas formed inside your head but you couldn’t get them out. Your mouth didn’t move, not even when you willed it to, because nothing made sense, not even the thoughts inside your head. Because Jaehyun wasn’t supposed to be there, and neither were you.
“Get me out of here,” you finally muttered, a choked sob breaking from your lips as your legs started to feel like they were going to give in. “Please, Jaehyun. Please.”
He took you in his arms, pulling you as close as he could manage. As close as he could bear. It felt strange, and it felt foreign, and it felt like you were two completely different people. Two completely different people, with completely different feelings and completely different hearts.
Unconnected. Estranged.
He took you in his arms, and with the dream of giving you back the safety he had robbed you of, he ran.
Safety, right then and there, and even in Jaehyun’s embrace, was a million years away.
You were not there when the guards came for him.
Your family had been attacked that day at the church, and it had all been perpetuated by the hand of Jaehyun’s brother. A murderous plan, a murderous brother, a broken family. A sibling injured, a sibling murdered and a sibling arrested, you and Jaehyun had nowhere to go when you were forced to watch your lives fall apart. There was no comfort awaiting either of you, because comfort had once been found in each other. With each other.
Looking back, a part of what happened remains a mystery in your head.
“God, what were you doing there?” Jaehyun asked, hands shaking. His voice, broken, was barely understandable between the sobs that he let out. The ones that he wasn’t able to keep in anymore. “I told you to stay home! You should have been safe, away from all of this!”
And you still didn’t understand. In the midst of chaos, faces had blurred in and out, voices had become a mix, and you still had no idea of how you went from hearing a prayer to a thousand frantic screams.
Your heart was broken to a million little pieces, and you still had no idea why.
“What happened?”
Just like Jaehyun, his brother’s resentment struck you like a bolt of lightning. Families had made deals and then broken them, and money had, once again, torn people apart. Power came in and posed in the form of discord’s apple, tempting people with a bite that looked like ambrosia but tasted like poison. Jaehyun’s brother, alongside other powerful men, had torn you apart, and money had been the cause. It’s almost like you had become the lesson behind a fable rather than the pairing inside a fairytale, and no one had ever mentioned how much that transition would hurt.
Past had stained the present, and had destroyed the future on its way. It still stings, hurting in the very depths of your soul like an unresolved wound, venom still oozing from the gashes and infecting every bit of your being. Whatever little is left. Whatever little he didn’t take with him.
He looked up at the sky. No birds chirped.
“I… I don’t know,” he muttered. “Everything’s blurry. It all happened too fast, and when I saw you-”
Maybe a part of him was relieved. Maybe he had done it for himself. Or maybe he had done it for you. Maybe keeping you in the dark was a way of shining whatever remaining light he had left upon himself, even when he knew there was no way to come back. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of the idea of having a beacon, even when the path it lights has sunken down to the depths of the sea. And maybe he was trying to hold on.
His lie still rings inside your head. His voice still travels through your ears. Sometimes, it’s even like he’s there with you. You can see him. You can hear him, as clear as you did before. But you can’t feel him, and you still can’t make out the reason why he lied.
“What are we gonna do now?”
You understood there was no going back. Even if everything else was missing from memory, or reason for that matter, something still told you there was no way you could ever go back. Inside the church. To the way things were.
It was all the same, anyways.
Jaehyun kept quiet. Kneeling down in front of you, he took your face in his hands. His fingers, always warm, were cold like the winter rain. Like the winter rain, his touch drenched you down to your soul, sending a shiver down your spine. You were shaking, and you, even under the blazing sun, were freezing cold.
You weren’t there when the guards came for him. With his lie still ringing in your ears, you wondered if it was for the better, because you still knew nothing about what had actually happened that day. And you wondered if maybe he had done it with that in mind: the less you knew, the less you could tell. The less danger you’d be in.
The less it would hurt when the idea of Jaehyun dissipated into mist: leaving only his actual, broken self in its place. The shell of the man he had once been. The shell of the man you thought he’d always be. And still, the shell of the man you’d love until your heart turned into ashes, until there was nothing else for you to feel than the remains of a love that had burned too bright to ignore.
A love that had belonged to you, and that had been taken from your fingers for the mere thought of power.
“Come on, let’s go,” he whispered. His words were soft, carefully articulated, but his voice wasn’t something you recognized. It didn’t sound like him, and you wondered if you’d ever get to hear his voice the way it used to be: careless, dreamy. Loving, hopeful.
You weren’t there when the guards came for him. Found innocent and having kept you from the harm, Jaehyun’s life had been spared, but only if he kept on living it somewhere else. Somewhere away from you.
You weren’t there when he was banished. You weren’t there when he left. You weren’t there when he balled up the piece of paper he had taken to the meadow that day, the one had drawn you on, and had held it so close to his heart it was practically tattooed onto his skin. Onto his heart.
Safe, far away in the darkness of your chamber, you weren’t there to watch him be stripped of everything he once held dear. Of his paintings, and his brushes, and his sketches. Of his home, and his memories, and the promise of a future by your side. Of the hope of seeing you again.
There, outside of the church, he kissed your forehead. He held you close, and it’s almost as if he knew. His lips felt like linen against your lips. His touch was merely a ghost of what it should have been. Of what it used to be.
“I’ll get you back home.”
You weren’t there when the guards came for him. You weren’t there to save him. But you thought of him, that day inside the church, staring back at you with a dead set stare and both hands hanging limply by his sides, and you understood there was nothing left for you to save.
Jaehyun had first met you when the sun was shining bright. And, for a while, being with you had felt like a warm’s summer day.
He remembers a time when you were everything to him. A time he wishes he could go back to, not to relish in, but to fix. He remembers growing up by your side, and falling in love with you as the years had gone by. He remembers getting to know you better than he knew himself, and of dreaming with you as if you posed the only sliver of hope he held in his heart. He remembers seeing the two of you reflected upon a star, some promise of a moved god staring down at you from the comfort of Olympus.
He remembers thinking your love, a star, would shine forever upon the midnight sky. He’d thought he could just look up and see you in a constellation, your figure resting with the remnants of the legends that had given people hope from centuries back. He’d thought that, no matter how far away he traveled, if he were to look at the stars, you’d smile back at him and set his steps in a path that led him straight to you, like a compass that would return him home if his heart ever got lost.
If he lost sight of you, and of himself, you’d reach out from up above, and you’d light his way back.
Now, far away from home, he’s lost. He’s hopeless. His map had been your eyes and now he has no trace to follow back, and he’s left staring at some unfamiliar scenery as he remembers the feeling of your lips down on his skin. His map had been your lips and now he has no trace to follow back, and he’s left sketching what’s left of a broken vision that comes to him in his dreams as he remembers the feeling of your skin against his lips.
Sometimes, when the memories of you get too powerful, he wishes he could take it all back. Undo it all, set a clean record and allow you two to become what you were now. What you should have been from the very beginning: strangers.
“Where do we go from here?” You had asked him, once. “I think we’re lost.”
Running down the meadow and past the fields of flowers, the trees had finally begun to close in. A tall, dark forest laid in front of you, taunting. It called to you, trying to lure you in, whispering tales of discovery and courage. It promised a thrill, a thrill that came with danger, but back then, danger posed no threat whenever Jaehyun’s fingers were laced with your own.
“Can you see anything up ahead, Jaehyun? Maybe we should just go back.”
Back then, Jaehyun wasn’t danger himself. Or maybe he was. Maybe he always had been. Maybe he had just been good enough at hiding it that it went unknown to him too.
If he could, he’d erase every trace of himself from your mind. Every trace of the time spent together, and of the love shared, because as beautiful as it had been, it had come to destroy you in the end. Love was never meant for him. Love was never meant for you. Love was never meant for the two of you together, and he should have known it.
You, both of you, should have known better than to let yourselves be trapped by promises of a forever that you would never quite reach. Even if you tried it again, and again, and again, holding his hand a bit tighter and kissing his lips a bit longer, you’d still be left somewhere along the way.
He’d break his heart into a million different pieces, crushing his own soul in the process, but he’d save yours. He’d set you free if he could, and he’d do it over, and over, and over again.
“There’s nowhere to go.”
Looking at the sketch he kept of you, Jaehyun sits down on a chair.
The view outside of his window is one he’s not used to: miles away from where he grew up, and from where you grow old, he stares at the sea. The waves, born deep in the ocean, grow majestically until they inevitably crash down. There, right next to the shore, they fall, and when the ocean wills them, they pull back into the endless sea.
He wonders if maybe your love had been like that. If maybe your feelings had grown until they became a tsunami, powerful and fierce, destroying everything in its way when it was its turn to overflow.
Looking at the sketch he kept of you, he takes a deep breath.
He smells the marine breeze that enters his small cabin, rustling the pieces of paper on his desk. There, far away from home, he keeps thinking of you. He keeps dreaming of your touch. Thinking about you, he keeps dreaming of your voice. Remembering you, he keeps telling himself it’s the only way he’ll ever see you again: paper and mind. Nowhere else.
Looking at the sketch he kept of you, he walks out into the sand.
Looking straight into the sea, he hears your voice in the wind. Thinking you’re there, somewhere near him, he takes a step and his feet dip into the freezing water. He calls out to you, screams your name, but his voice breaks down like the waves against the sand.
The sun shines brightly above his head, but it brings him no warmth. There’s nothing but darkness in Jaehyun’s heart.
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