The Stonewall Inn
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@dearlybelovedly
Everything is a constant battle :keeping my emotions in check :keeping the tears at bay :keeping my head clear One day, I'm going to just lie down on that battle field and :give up :be the target :feel the anguish
And let it be done.
Truth #1
I don't fear loving another again... I fear letting myself be loved.
I don't pity you
Just so we're clear I didn't ask for this Any of it You left me And so did all our friends No one stuck around by my side From our mutual friends So don't tell me your the lonely one When your the one who left And took all our friends with you.
Stay gone
We had a life together And you threw it all away We had plans to start a family What the hell happened? Damn you Damn you Damn your always and forever. And if you leave, please stay gone.
The feeling of waking up Sore and groggy Skin tender and sun burned Ribs bruise from the day before Messy hair and sandy feet Dreams of surf and sand Take me to the ocean With my board in hand, A bounce in my step And a smile on my face, My heart electric
Enough
He left me So I looked at the me he left. And picked her apart And blamed her And made her feel worthless Until there was nothing left of me. And then from ashes of the old me, Grew someone new, Someone lively And happy And good. Someone who I never knew existed. Me is I And I am enough For me.
Literal
I want my words to mean something. I want my words to bruise, To scar. Words to remember me by. Remember me as you walk away. Words to cut like the sharpest knife. To slice clear through the dermal layers, To dig into the interior muscles, To shave the bones clean of meat. To ache and cause harm. I want my words to stain your heart, Permanently blue, lifeless. The meaning saturated like a sponge. Words suffocating and dulling it's pulse, one beat slower each time, Until it becomes muffled and desperate,
like a fish on a dock baking in the sun.
Loosing life one gasping breath at a time.
Slower and slower.
Releasing life less and less with each wasted effort. I want my words to bruise you. As you have bruised me. As you have damaged me. As you have killed me. With words.
and "Action"
Scenery set, Props in place. Actors ready, Smiles erased. He knew what to say, She never saw it coming. And in that moment, She should've been running. Her world fell away, His words resonated. She stopped breathing, "It's complicated."
Be Better
It was like our bodies knew before our brains did, that we were meant to fit that way, hugging, holding. Automatic magnets. It was our brains who told our hearts to cry, knowing our hugs were limited. We will. We will love again. And our next loves will be better, because we will be wiser to pain, and know what's best for us in a mate. We have been hurt so bad by our relationships. We let ourselves become vulnerable, let our guards down, and fully exposed our beating hearts. Which is the BEST kind of love there is. But, with that kind of exposure, we sometimes risk obliteration of all feelings, trust, hope and faith in people.
Weighed Heart
I have mistaken kindness for flirting. And the broken chips of my heart hovered from the bottom of my chest for a second, but then remembered their weight, and slammed down again.
Effort
Every time I think about writing, Or sit down to do it, Or make an effort to think, Nothing happens. Emotions run dry, Words fall limp at the bottom of my skull. I try And I fail. Because I know no matter what I write, No matter what words find me, No matter the cause or stength of the emotion, I will never be able to capture the pain, The deep rooted excruciating pain deep within my chest. The dull roar that rips it's way through even the thickest of walls in my mind, to bring me to my knees, right where I stand. No words to describe the constant fight of holding back tears. No vocab to convey the daily struggle of wanting to live, the need to runaway and wanting to end it. There is no way to capture this feeling of rejection. So I keep trying In hope that one day When I sit down to write it all out, That once it's on paper, Once it's out of my head and onto paper, The pain will stop. The struggle will stop. Maybe when that one day comes, When it's visible, And tangible, And in my hand, I will crumple it up, And throw it back over my shoulder, And walk steadily into the life And love Of another One day.
"I am alive only because I am not selfish enough to end it."
Treading Water
Treading Water Treading fast in open water Nothing to grab onto Fighting and kicking until one day You stop and then it's through. I'm drowning in my depression right now. It's pulling me down as we speak. There's no buoy, so don't feel like you have to save me. It's okay. I'm learning to thread water and keep a smile on my face for others, so they don't worry about me. Even though my legs are getting tired.
You left me all alone In this world to fend for myself, You broke every promise. Every single vow. You said til death do us part, Now it feels like I'm dying Without you by my side. All for what, To follow a dream? A dream I supported and willingly gave up my own goals an dreams? All but the one thing I wanted most in life? To have a family, to be a mother. That wasn't a compromise to be had-and yet I considered that life. The life without little loves and offspring.
Lifeboat
Fending for myself, In a lifeboat for two Abandoned ship in this marriage Broken vows and "I do's"
Visualizing Happiness
I go through these moods, Where I think I can be brave. Brave to deal with reality Of your rejection, Brave to be single, Brave to find someone who loves me better. I know it will be a long process to recovery, and I have many battles ahead of me. I go through these moods, Where I can see myself Living the single life. Working and socializing, Going to bars, meeting guys maybe. But it's not me. It's not real. It's all pretend. Like a movie version Of my life. Starring the fun loving single Me character. Strange feeling, that is. Visualizing happiness without him. When I finally fall back to reality, I remember I am alone. I am not brave. I am not enough. I was simply not enough.
m.L.c.
Her Heart a Target
Standing frozen in the field, she remembered a time when she found safety among the honey colored grains. Then a young girl, she would run and spread her arms wide, pretending to fly in the field for hours on end. The field, her sanctuary. But now, now she stands a women, the wheat barely reaching her waist, exposing her chest, her heart a target. She stands still, silent, listening only to the sound of the wind and the soft tussle of reeds swaying with each gust. Her once smooth ponytail has come loose, and hairs wild, swish with the catching wind. Her breath steady, her hand relaxed, her mind focused. She has prepared for this her whole life. She knows what she must do.
m.L.c.