A.S

Nothing here

[dearmeraki]

I feel like drowning but ignored. I feel like screaming but unheard. I feel like dying but people are unbothered. All I want is to be understood but no seems to listen.

[dearmeraki]

I was foolish to believe that my goodness will be given equality just because I did it. I was too naïve to think that deception l will never come. But look at me now, betrayed and damaged.

[dearmeraki]

The only thing I know is that I'm disgusted of the disrecpect I was. The kind where nobody like me deserves it. Somebody like you don't deserve the goodness and purest of me. You don't deserve every ounce of me.

[dearmeraki]

I didn't quit blogging, I just left for a while. I realized I couldn't write something that reflects sadness because when I came back, I was already full of love.

[mycountryliving]

[capturedphotos]

New Year in the Philippines

The view of the Metro Manila skyline from Monterey Hills in San Mateo, Rizal.

Photographed by: Paolo Nacpil  

[dearmeraki]

Even how hard you try to be good enough, some people won’t still appreciate that because they are busy trying their very best to find something wrong with you

[dearmeraki]

The guy that I’m slowly falling with? I chose to let him go rather than try and gamble in love. It wasn’t a break up but I’m sure it broke my heart It broke my heart when I utter the word “end” It was like letting go of someone I cannot replace it was like letting go of our late night talks It was like letting go of that beautiful voice singing to me in the middle of nowhere It was painful but we both know that what we had mustn’t grow We both know that you will forever be a poem and I should remain as one of your songs We both know that it is safe this way because art is where we can truly say that once upon a time you had me and I had you and whenever we look back there’s no pain because at the end of the day we created something worth looking back

[dearmeraki]

Let’s talk about how hard it is to decide if you should try again in love or stay away from it. Let’s talk about how you’re starting to love someone yet you’re too familiar with what pain feels than what love feels. Let’s talk about how you wanted to be with someone but you rather choose to let the chance pass by. Let’s talk about how it feels. The feeling of damage. Like how the horror made you accept your reality that it’s okay to be alone. Let’s talk about how you wanted to give yourself the freedom to love but you can’t help but be scared of your thoughts. Let’s talk about it.

[dearmeraki]

Ba’t ganon

Ang hirap pag nasa 20′s ka. Hindi ko ma intindihan na parang lagi akong nagmamadali. Nagmamadali in a sense na kailangan may mapatunayan na ako. Nagmamadali in a sense na parang may deadline yu’ng success na iniimagine ko. Hindi ko talaga ma intindihan kung pressured lang ba ako o I’m just being too hard on myself. 

Siguro takot lang tayo. Takot tayong magkamali sa mga desisyon natin. Takot tayo baka sa huli marerealize natin na ay mali yung desisyon ko tapos wala ka nalang magagawa kung hindi mag sisi. Minsan naiisip ko nalang na ang bata ko pa para sa mga life-changing decisions pero I’m old enough to do it. 

I’m ranting this because I want to quit my job. I’m quitting not because it’s boring. I’m quitting not because it pays me poorly. I want to quit because I’m not learning and my heart doesn’t belong there. The thing is, ang hirap mag desisyon mag isa. Ang hirap kasi pag nag quit ako tapos yung mundo hindi sumang-ayon sa mga plano ko. Nakakatakot. In short, takot ako sa failure. Takot akong ma disappoint yung family ko. 

Sa ngayon naghihintay langg ako ng right timing para maging matapang sa mga bagay na gusto ko para sa sarili ko. 

[dearmeraki]

Ocean Blue

Maybe the guy who I admire from a far the guy who loves sad songs  the guy who loves whisky  in his eyes you will be caged in awe his eyes grasp the shade of clear blue sky I notice I notice the immensity of his passion into  helping other people  the one that loves anything  but doesn’t love me I know he doesn’t want to fall for me

because I’m the kind who’s not good at anything but spilling inks with  sad-broken-reality  and by that he made me  feel  ocean  blue

[dearmeraki]

I want to make my life better. I want to make better changes in my life. God knows how I struggled a lot to pick myself up from a terrible break-up. It broke me emotionally. I admit I got lost in a while. Feeling ko para akong batang nabitawan sa park, iyak ng iyak. Hinahanap yung taong bumitaw sakin at eventually sumugal sa mga posibleng taong hahawak ulit sakin. Ang hirap ng transition na ginawa ko para ramdaman ko ulit yung sayang hindi nanggaling sa iba. I made myself believe that he is made for me and disbelieving it is not on my table. I was being too hard to myself refusing to feed myself with what is real, so I starved.

I can’t believe I wasted so much of my last year trying to find someone to love me instead making new plans without him in it. He’s happy with the person he left me for. He is happy being with the person he chose over me. Now, I can say that I am okay.  I made peace with my reality, he’s no longer here with me. Maybe my love for him is still her but the fact that I accepted who he is in my life— “was” is where he should be. 

[dearmeraki]

Basta ang alam ko na sa point na ako ng buhay ko na okay na ako, okay na ako sa kung ano mang para sa akin. Kakapagod din eh. Kakapagod nang mag expect, mag hanap, mag hintay, masaktan, umiyak. Tadhana na siguro bahala. Ayoko nang maki alam. Basta masaya lang ako, okay na ako don.

[dearmeraki]

That night I remember I was touching your face  wearing your blue superman shirt that your dad gave you I was looking at your perfectly thin pale lips  Still I didn’t saw that kiss coming It was calm as waves, like there’s fireworks inside me, it felt like there’s butterflies around me I woke up at 3 a.m looking at you while you’re sleeping wishing you feel the same, wishing you want me to remain I was looking at the window thinking what have I done I know this might hurt me but I don’t want you to be gone let’s just lay on this bed and keep this room messy call each other friends this will make things easy

[dearmeraki]

I wanted to believe that this is all just a dream—a nightmare where you and me is really over

[dearmeraki]

I am ending this year together with my love of you. 

[dearmeraki]

Believe me, first steps are the hardest one. It was breaking you, right? the dilemma between “I deserve a better love” and “I don’t care as long as I love him I’ll stay”. We’re both familiar of the nights you choose to lose sleep so you could relive the memories of you together. I know the feeling of emptiness when they no longer care just because they’re over us. I know, it was a self-destruct when you choose to know something about them rather than mute everything so can peacefully heal yourself.

It was horrible, right? , believing that they are the love that you have been waiting for. You lost who you are because you love him/her more than anything in this world. You let some opportunities for your dreams or for your job just to save the relationship, so you can keep him/her. It wasn’t wrong. It will never be, you just did the right thing because in love there’s no counting of how many times you gave your best and gave your chances and the times you hold your patience and lost who you are and in love, there’s no recording of mistakes committed by your love one. You’re hurting because it was painful to anyone who invested so much love and knowing that you’re about to lose them right in front of you.

Everyone can be replaced, even you and even him and even her. Don’t hurry to find love, let love find its way to you. You don’t hurry to heal your wounds, feel it so you can realize that you don’t want to have that pain ever. I’m proud that you have overcome the hurt and loneliness and missing that someone. You must be very proud to look back and how the struggles mold you to become someone who can still pick up herself/himself despite the challenges. I bet you’re laughing now because you thought you’re about to die from the heartache and swallowing your pride to beg him/her to stay yet, here you are surviving, living, and has accepted the reality that he’s/she’s not for you. Remember that you’re healing yourself for yourself. Remember when you’re better you can attract a better lover. The year is about to end so, kiss that pain away as you say goodbye to 2017. Darling, you can always look back but never go back.

I’m proud of you.