I feel like drowning but ignored. I feel like screaming but unheard. I feel like dying but people are unbothered. All I want is to be understood but no seems to listen.

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@dearmeraki
I feel like drowning but ignored. I feel like screaming but unheard. I feel like dying but people are unbothered. All I want is to be understood but no seems to listen.
I was foolish to believe that my goodness will be given equality just because I did it. I was too naĆÆve to think that deception l will never come. But look at me now, betrayed and damaged.
The only thing I know is that I'm disgusted of the disrecpect I was. The kind where nobody like me deserves it. Somebody like you don't deserve the goodness and purest of me. You don't deserve every ounce of me.
I didn't quit blogging, I just left for a while. I realized I couldn't write something that reflects sadness because when I came back, I was already full of love.
New Year in the Philippines
The view of the Metro Manila skyline from Monterey Hills in San Mateo, Rizal.
Photographed by: Paolo NacpilĀ Ā
Even how hard you try to be good enough, some people wonāt still appreciate that because they are busy trying their very best to find something wrong with you
The guy that Iām slowly falling with? I chose to let him go rather than try and gamble in love. It wasnāt a break up but Iām sure it broke my heart It broke my heart when I utter the wordĀ āendā It was like letting go of someone I cannot replace it was like letting go of our late night talks It was like letting go of that beautiful voice singing to me in the middle of nowhere It was painful but we both know that what we had mustnāt grow We both know that you will forever be a poem and I should remain as one of your songs We both know that it is safe this way because art is where we can truly say that once upon a time you had me and I had you and whenever we look back thereās no pain because at the end of the day we created something worth looking back
Letās talk about how hard it is to decide if you should try again in love or stay away from it. Letās talk about how youāre starting to love someone yet youāre too familiar with what pain feels than what love feels. Letās talk about how you wanted to be with someone but you rather choose to let the chance pass by. Letās talk about how it feels. The feeling of damage. Like how the horror made you accept your reality that itās okay to be alone. Letās talk about how you wanted to give yourself the freedom to love but you canāt help but be scared of your thoughts. Letās talk about it.
Baāt ganon
Ang hirap pag nasa 20ā²s ka. Hindi ko ma intindihan na parang lagi akong nagmamadali. Nagmamadali in a sense na kailangan may mapatunayan na ako. Nagmamadali in a sense na parang may deadline yuāng success na iniimagine ko. Hindi ko talaga ma intindihan kung pressured lang ba ako o Iām just being too hard on myself.Ā
Siguro takot lang tayo. Takot tayong magkamali sa mga desisyon natin. Takot tayo baka sa huli marerealize natin na ay mali yung desisyon ko tapos wala ka nalang magagawa kung hindi mag sisi. Minsan naiisip ko nalang na ang bata ko pa para sa mga life-changing decisions pero Iām old enough to do it.Ā
Iām ranting this because I want to quit my job. Iām quitting not because itās boring. Iām quitting not because it pays me poorly. I want to quit because Iām not learning and my heart doesnāt belong there. The thing is, ang hirap mag desisyon mag isa. Ang hirap kasi pag nag quit ako tapos yung mundo hindi sumang-ayon sa mga plano ko. Nakakatakot. In short, takot ako sa failure. Takot akong ma disappoint yung family ko.Ā
Sa ngayon naghihintay langg ako ng right timing para maging matapang sa mga bagay na gusto ko para sa sarili ko.Ā
Ocean Blue
Maybe the guy who I admire from a far the guy who loves sad songsĀ the guy who loves whiskyĀ in his eyes you will be caged in awe his eyes grasp the shade of clear blue sky I notice I notice the immensity of his passion intoĀ helping other peopleĀ the one that loves anythingĀ but doesnāt love me I know he doesnāt want to fall for me
becauseĀ Iām the kind whoās not good at anything but spilling inks with Ā sad-broken-realityĀ and by that he made me Ā feelĀ oceanĀ blue
I want to make my life better. I want to make better changes in my life. God knows how I struggled a lot to pick myself up from a terrible break-up. It broke me emotionally. I admit I got lost in a while. Feeling ko para akong batang nabitawan sa park, iyak ng iyak. Hinahanap yung taong bumitaw sakin at eventually sumugal sa mga posibleng taong hahawak ulit sakin. Ang hirap ng transition na ginawa ko para ramdaman ko ulit yung sayang hindi nanggaling sa iba. I made myself believe that he is made for me and disbelieving it is not on my table. I was being too hard to myself refusing to feed myself with what is real, so I starved.
I canāt believe I wasted so much of my last year trying to find someone to love me instead making new plans without him in it. Heās happy with the person he left me for. He is happy being with the person he chose over me. Now, I can say that I am okay.Ā I made peace with my reality, heās no longer here with me. Maybe my love for him is still her but the fact that I accepted who he is in my lifeā āwasā is where he should be.Ā
Basta ang alam ko na sa point na ako ng buhay ko na okay na ako, okay na ako sa kung ano mang para sa akin. Kakapagod din eh. Kakapagod nang mag expect, mag hanap, mag hintay, masaktan, umiyak. Tadhana na siguro bahala. Ayoko nang maki alam. Basta masaya lang ako, okay na ako don.
That night I remember I was touching your faceĀ wearing your blue superman shirt that your dad gave you I was looking at your perfectly thin pale lipsĀ Still I didnāt saw that kiss coming It was calm as waves, like thereās fireworks inside me, it felt like thereās butterflies around me I woke up at 3 a.m looking at you while youāre sleeping wishing you feel the same, wishing you want me to remain I was looking at the window thinking what have I done I know this might hurt me but I donāt want you to be gone letās just lay on this bed and keep this room messy call each other friends this will make things easy
I wanted to believe that this is all just a dreamāa nightmare where you and me is really over
I am ending this year together with my love of you.Ā
Believe me, first steps are the hardest one. It was breaking you, right? the dilemma between āI deserve a better loveā and āI donāt care as long as I love him Iāll stayā. Weāre both familiar of the nights you choose to lose sleep so you could relive the memories of you together. I know the feeling of emptiness when they no longer care just because theyāre over us. I know, it was a self-destruct when you choose to know something about them rather than mute everything so can peacefully heal yourself.
It was horrible, right? , believing that they are the love that you have been waiting for. You lost who you are because you love him/her more than anything in this world. You let some opportunities for your dreams or for your job just to save the relationship, so you can keep him/her. It wasnāt wrong. It will never be, you just did the right thing because in love thereās no counting of how many times you gave your best and gave your chances and the times you hold your patience and lost who you are and in love, thereās no recording of mistakes committed by your love one. Youāre hurting because it was painful to anyone who invested so much love and knowing that youāre about to lose them right in front of you.
Everyone can be replaced, even you and even him and even her. Donāt hurry to find love, let love find its way to you. You donāt hurry to heal your wounds, feel it so you can realize that you donāt want to have that pain ever. Iām proud that you have overcome the hurt and loneliness and missing that someone. You must be very proud to look back and how the struggles mold you to become someone who can still pick up herself/himself despite the challenges. I bet youāre laughing now because you thought youāre about to die from the heartache and swallowing your pride to beg him/her to stay yet, here you are surviving, living, and has accepted the reality that heās/sheās not for you. Remember that youāre healing yourself for yourself. Remember when youāre better you can attract a better lover. The year is about to end so, kiss that pain away as you say goodbye to 2017. Darling, you can always look back but never go back.
Iām proud of you.