DearMissSydney

Always choose kindness and welcome to my grief journal. I write my emotions freely, so venture forward with care.

[dearmisssydney]

I’ll save a piece of you

In my heart

a place where few have seen

I’ll save a piece of you

In a part

Where your paw print remains

In a place that’s soft

And cozy like home

Surrounded by your blankets and bed

In a place that is safe

And free from pain

And that’s where you’ll always stay

I’ll save a piece of you

In your old bed

And I kept it for someone new

Now that he’s here

He makes a new place

And I’ll save a piece for him too

I can’t help but think

He’s your last gift

From you to me

An old rescue dog

From a skinny stray

To a broken girl

So I’ll save a piece of you

In my heart

And I’ll thank you everyday

[dearmisssydney]

Dear Boober and Kally,

On December 22 2021… I officially adopted Dash. Dash is 8 years old and he was headed straight to the pound if I hadn’t intervened. I’ll be honest… I had no intention of keeping him. His old owner had him for 8 years, and he decided he didn’t want him anymore. It broke my heart, and before I knew it, I couldn’t give him away or help him find a new home because I had become his home. He settled into my life before I had any objections. My uncle told me after you two died that just when you think you’ll never get a dog again… God sends you one that needs a home and someone to love. And he was exactly right.

I’ve been holding onto your bed Kally. And I refused to throw it away. I just kept it in my closet and hid it away because I couldn’t bring myself to donate it or give it away. But today, I took it out of the closet. I smelled it and it smelled just like you… it still had little black hairs that you left behind. I sat with it for a little bit and put it back on the floor to continue cleaning out my closet. I turned back a little while later and Dash was sitting in it. In some strange way, I think he was telling me it was okay to let him have the bed and it was okay to let him enjoy it like you did. So I guess today, I have passed your torch. I took the cover off of it, and I sat with it as a final good bye to you. No, not goodbye. See you later. I took one last big inhale and I put it in the washer so Dash can help me with the next chapter of my life and make new memories.

Know that I miss you both dearly and Dash will never replace the place you have in my heart, but know that he’ll enjoy Kally’s bed, and he will ease my worries like you both did, and he’ll fill that empty void the loss of you both left behind. He will never be able to do Kally boops like Kally could with her nose, and he’ll never be able to do Boober wiggles on the floor like you liked to do. But he’ll help me make new memories and I’m sure he’ll do weird things that will make me laugh like you both did.

Know that I’ll be okay, and I’ll still think of you.

Love Always,

Sydney

[dearmisssydney]

A good day for a walk: for Boober and Kally

By: S. A. Hall

It’s a good day for a walk

The sky is clear

The sun is bright

Your leash is at the door

It’s a good day for a walk

The leaves are falling now

The air is crisp

The lake is still

It’s a good day for a walk

I see your nose and your tail

Your collars hanging on your pictures

It would’ve been a great day for a walk

Had your bones not grown old

Had your paws not grown weak

Had your hearts not faltered

Had old age simply passed you by

We would’ve gone on a walk today

[dearmisssydney]

Dear Boober,

I see you in everyday things. I see you laying on the couch. I see you napping on the floor, and in the dark I always step over where you used to lay. It’s like you’re gone, but not gone enough for my heart to realize. Thinking of you and Kally is so hard now. I listen to that song on K-Love about how the only scars in heaven are on the hands that hold you now. I know that song is meant to be about people… but I like to imagine the lord greeted you both the same.

Don’t think that silly of me… don’t be the person that in their mind reads this and thinks “Awe how sad, she thinks dogs go to heaven.”Be the person that wonders… why not? It’s not like anyone can go and check to prove me or anyone else wrong.

But I guess the point is, in my heart I close my eyes and you are both young again. I hold my breath to hold on tears when I think of you two. As always, I miss you both dearly. I pick the sticks up off your graves, and I go to see you both as often as I can.

I love you.

[dearmisssydney]

Mourning is so deep… so wide. Like a chasm that someone would step into and not even realize. It swallows you like Jonah and the whale. You don’t even notice the changes. You don’t notice the silence or how tired you’ve been. Everything slowly becomes exhausting. You go throughout the day and it doesn’t even occur to you that something is missing. I just assume you are there when you aren’t. I wake up and expect to see you there and you won’t be. I take deep breaths and stretch a lot… I feel so much and too little all at once. Losing you has eaten away at me. It’s gnaws at your fingertips and it pulls at your sleeves.

I guess the loss of you both has resigned itself in my chest today. Maybe it’s because I visited the animal shelter to donate food and blankets to prepare for the cold. Maybe it was the realization that I passed the very kennel where we picked out Napoleon. Maybe it was the realization that this was where we picked up Kally here after she made a mad dash because she was so lively in her youth, and dang she loved to wander. I’m not really sure what brought this on today.

But I am thinking of you. I’m thinking of your fur and the way it felt. I’m thinking of the way you both looked at me, and I’m thinking of how much I miss you.

[dearmisssydney]

Dear Kally... Dear Boober,

I start my first day of my senior year of college Monday... this will be the first day of school since I was in Kindergarten that you don’t greet me at the door when I get home... I can’t imagine how it will feel Monday. I keep thinking about both of you, and how much I miss you both. My heart just aches knowing this will be the first time in 16 years... I’ll be alone on my first day of school. It just seems so unreal that you both have been gone for a month. Boober you passed exactly one month and a day after Kally. And oh, it was so hard. But I knew that when Kally died, you too would start declining in health. You two had been together for so long. 16 years together.

My sister got a new dog... she keeps asking why I haven’t gotten one yet. Purely it’s because I am still grieving. I still mourn you both. I still drop a chip on the floor and thank oh Kally will get it. But neither of you will be here to get it.

He’s not a bad dog, he’s a cocker spaniel. I’ve decided to never tell my sister again what kind of dogs I want. I had been saying for a long time that I wanted either a beagle or a cocker in honor of Kally because she’s half beagle and cocker. And I wanted a basset hound or a corgi to honor Boober because he was half basset hound and half corgi. I feel stupid. I should’ve known she’d copy me. Heck, she’d probably take my baby name list if I had one. Truly Charlie is a sweet dog... I hope she takes good care of him. I also hope he lives a long and happy life like the two of you both did.

I miss both of you so dearly.

Love,

Sydney

[dearmisssydney]

Boober,

Do you remember your first snow? I do. It was my first snow too. Snow in Mississippi, who would’ve thought it. I remember the snowflakes on your black fur, and I remember how much you loved it. Kally... not so much. She was my sunshine girl. She loved the warmth of the sun, and you’d always find her snuggled up in a blanket when it was cold. You’d see her little nose peaking out from under a blanket somewhere. Oh boober. It seems like yesterday I was picking you up to go outside. Watching mom cook chicken pot pies for you, why? Because you were old and who would deny a Boober Dog anything. We miss you and Kally. We find little pieces of you both each day. I miss you guys both so dearly. It hits me more than other days, but coming home to you and Kally not being there... is so strange.

But we find you both in small ways. I like to think God is the God of small things. He finds joy in little moments, little smiles, and little every day kindnesses. He definitely saw the joy you and Kally would bring us all. Thank you Boober. And thank you Kally. You gave us more than we bargained for, and we are so thankful for that.

[dearmisssydney]

Grief is weird.

Grief is so strange. Some days I’m perfectly fine, and I move through the day like any other. I don’t think of you and your last day. Some days I don’t think of you at all, and if I do, it’s a little glimmer of you and I don’t realize that I won’t come home and see you sitting on the floor. Most days... I forget you have died. I expect to wake up in the morning and see you sitting in your bed. What a disappointment to see you not there. Some days I think of you all day, and I get swept up in a sea of emotion that is grief. On those days, I sit outside a little longer and think of you. For some reason, I always think of you in the sun. I think of the way you liked to lay in the straw beds in the front of the house and soak up the warmth. I think of the way I’d plop down beside you when I was a youngin’. However, I think of snow with Napoleon(Boober) because he burrowed through it during that very first snow when I was 12. I remember the way he nuzzled through it and came back a little speckled dog covered in snow. Gosh... what good memories I still have of you both. Memories I cherish, and memories I love.

I don’t think pet loss is talked about enough. I guess maybe that’s why I’m writing this. Maybe I’m lonely, maybe this is my only outlet. Who knows. But everyone always suspects that grief can only be inflicted by the death of a family member or a friend. They never suspect a pet. But pets are family, at least to me. So maybe I am mourning family. Nevertheless, it still hurts just the same. I still miss you both.

[dearmisssydney]

I am house sitting for the next two weeks, and they have an elderly dog. She’s 11, and she’s so much like my 16 year old elderly babies. I miss them so much, so I’ve been spoiling her endlessly. I can’t help but enjoy her company. I had forgotten what it was like to be around a dog. Without Napoleon and Kally, I’ve plum forgotten how enjoyable a companion is. She follows me around outside as I enjoy the garden, and she wants to be around me no matter where I go. Makes me think about how Boober and Kally where in their youth.

She’s got the sweet white in her hair from her old age, and she’s so large compared to Napoleon and Kally. She’s a well mannered gentle giant who really enjoys getting a treat after she goes potty outside. She’s part Great Dane and black lab. She makes me thankful that I had so many wonderful years with my babies before they passed. I enjoy being around her and she brings back the good days of taking care of my doggos.

I still miss my own doggos tho. I think about them everyday. I see them in common day items and strangers animals. I dream about them, and those dreams are the best because I always get one more hug before I wake up. It’s like the memories are so tightly engrained into my brain that touching them in a dream is like touching them in real life. I can feel their fur and the wetness of their noses. Ugh, how I miss the floppiness of Kally’s ears and the short stubby legs of Boober. I think of them everyday, but it isn’t an angry grief. It’s a grief of acceptance and longing.

[dearmisssydney]

Dear Boober,

The house is quiet without you. You were our last baby. I swore I saw you last night sitting in the hallway of mom and dads room right where you used to sit up and wait for me. But it wasn’t you, just a tan shoe left in the hallway to mimic your colors. I sighed realizing it wasn’t you. I checked your grave today and I checked Kally’s. I like to make sure you are both not disturbed. I’m trying to figure out when I need to plant black eyed Susan’s around your graves. I’m still covered in chicken pox, so I’ll need to heal up first before I cover myself in dirt planting. I miss dragging both of you elderly doggos outside with me while I watered my garden. I miss the way you would both turn your eyes to the sun and feel the warmth on your noses. I miss kissing you on the noses and petting your heads before bed. I miss you both so dearly. But I can say, I’m moving towards acceptance. I’m not mad at God anymore, and I’ve finally accepted that neither of you would like me broken like this. You’d want me doing the things I love again... like painting and gardening. You wouldn’t want me to put my life on hold, and one day you’d like me to adopt a new friend and give them a loving home... just like I did with you and Kally.

Know that I love you both, and I miss you so much, and it’s been so hard for me to let you two go. But as always, I love you and I’ll see you both again.

[dearmisssydney]

There is a place

By: Sydney Hall

Dedicated to Boober and Kally💕

There is a place

Where all the dogs go

Where they bark and run all day

The days pass like hours

And the fields are full of flowers

And the day is always perfect

They bathe in the sun

And chase tails all day

And the days are filled with fun

There is a place

Where all the dogs go

Where the grass is always green

They play fetch and frisbee

And the parks are never empty

And they wait for their humans to come

There is a place

Where all the dogs go

Where they bark and play all day

[dearmisssydney]

For Boober

By: S. A. Hall

For you I’d do this life over

And still choose you at the end

Because a lifetime with you

Has been worth every second

Every vet visit

And long sleepy morning

Every bath time

With drippy wet paws

Long walks through the woods

With you coming along

Endless days of summer time

And bright morning sunshine

Knowing you’d always be at my side

A day with you was easy

And sleepy like a long day

You filled our home with memories

Of adopting you and loving you

For you I’d find every single good ending

Knowing I’d see you again

And for you I’d find every good comfy bed

For my oldest and best friend

Every warm summer day

I’ll be thinking of you

And knowing you’ll be waiting on me

Just like you did on my childhood school days

And Sunday afternoons

[dearmisssydney]

A breath of God.

I’ve always been a spiritual person, and I’ve always loved God, fiercely. However, after losing Kally I was deeply angry with him. I was so mad... that I was forced to put her to sleep. That sickness took her body more quickly than I had hoped. I was so angry that he had cursed my beautiful dog with sickness and pestilence... but I knew I couldn’t blame him. And I was mad that I couldn’t even blame him. I remember standing in the beautiful woods by my house screaming “fuck you” to Adam and Eve. Stamping my feet because they only had one job. I blamed age... I blamed the mere coincidence that Boober and Kally were the same age, so losing them within a month apart would destroy me. And it did. But on the day Boober passed, I prayed for comfort and peace. I was covered in Chicken Pox before his euthanasia appointment. So I couldn’t just waltz in covered in spots like a leper. So I prayed at home over and over while my sister and mother took him. But I stopped my prayers and begged God for a sign that he heard me. I was so tired of empty answers and blank spaces. I was so tired of grief, and the grief from Kally was still unbearable. I was fervently yelling at him, and I remember stopping myself and muttering “but God has closed the heavens... so the signs... are no more”

They brought him back, wrapped in blue. Like a little bean, he was wrapped tightly, safe and sound. My sister said that he closed his eyes when he passed. The vet said that dogs rarely closed their eyes when they pass, so Boober must’ve been very, very tired and grateful. I know he was because he could hardly get up anymore. His basset hound genetic arthritis had eaten him up, but you bet he still waited up all hours for my sister and I to come home. 16 years we had with Napoleon (Boober) and Kally, and 16 years we were grateful.

We buried him, right beside Kally. The second the last bit of dirt was shoveled, a wind came down from the heavens. I live in southern Mississippi, so wind is nonexistent on a hot summer day. This wind came from nowhere. Like a breath from the heavens, it ripped through the trees. It was stronger than any wind I had ever felt, and it came directly down as if it was called to do so. The trees swirled above our heads and tossed back and forth. I can still see the trees and the way they moved. It was ethereal, holy... and strange. The wind was warm and comforting, and it was powerful. It was only in one spot... right where Boober and Kally were buried. Right where my entire family stood, burying him. That wind was so powerful that it pushed me... and with it, it carried away my burdens, my grief, and my sadness. It gave me comfort that rushed over me like a wave, and it was unlike anything I had ever felt before. I crave the way it made me feel. I can hardly describe or put into words how Godly it felt. God had heard me, and he had heard my angry screams for a sign. A sign that I wasn’t just praying to nothingness. I had questioned my faith, and he had answered with a force that I had never... I mean never expected. If I could put into more words, the way that wind felt. I would. But the only words that seem to fit is a breath from God pushed down from the heavens... a sign. That he heard my grief, my pain, and my anger... he had answered. He knew my pain, and he sent me a sign.

I never knew... I never knew that God still had signs left for us. For humans. For his creation. I struggled and wrestled with the idea that it was coincidence, but I had never felt a wind that ripped through the trees like that... that wrapped you in comfort like that. Two days later, and I still can’t fathom it. But, my anger is gone. My vengeful wrath is diminished, my depression and sadness... washed away. My grief is no where compared to where it was. It was like I blew past the other stages of grief... and I’ve made it to acceptance all in one gust of wind. I still feel an ache of sadness when I really really concentrate on Napoleon, but it’s a sadness of longing and missing something. Not like it was when Kally had passed. Even now, when I think of Kally... the pain is gone. My grief seems almost no more. And thank God for that. Thank God... thank you.

[dearmisssydney]

For Boober,

We saw you small, fluffy, black and brown in Southern Pines animal shelter 16 years ago. You were our very first dog. A summer time puppy. The only animal we all decided on as a family. Losing you today, was something none of us were prepared for. I thank you for the countless years of love, snuggles, and hilarious adventures. Fighting the nutria rat, you and Kally tramping through the swamp, and being our 3 legged wonder. I guess that’s the crime of getting two animals the same age, losing you both so close to each other. But I have comfort knowing that you closed your eyes, and Kally was right there waiting for you. Boober, I love you and I thank you for each second you gave to our family. Long live the legend, the wonder, the Boober... the Power Nose. I love you Napoleon (Boober) Rudolph Hall. I’ll see you again💕

Hug your babies tonight for me and kiss them on the head because the day they are gone ... is the hardest day of them all.

[dearmisssydney]

“We grieve differently” was the response my sister gave me when I told her not to foster a kitten on the eve our dog Napoleon was going to be put down. I told her what a terrible idea it was because you don’t want to push 16 years worth of grief into a new animal. “We grieve differently” wtf does that mean? Does she mean that I have a longer grief, that I can’t just let go of Napoleon or Kally on a whim? That I can’t just shove it into a bottle and cram it down with a cork. That I can’t dampen my depression with positivity and starshine or wash it over with a new kitten? Does she mean that I have a deeper grief that strangles me so tightly when I think of the moment I lost Kally or the impending moment of losing Napoleon... wtf. I’ve always had major differences with my older sister. She’s always been wishy washy about her emotions and always found a way to justify her decisions even when she’s dead wrong. This honestly felt like one of those moments. She was justifying getting a new kitten “fostering” (I know she’ll end up keeping it, I mean come on it’s a kitten) by saying it’ll help her grieve. She wouldn’t even go see Kally’s grave and I still don’t think she ever went to visit it. I can’t think but how childish she sounds. By getting a new kitten, she’ll be able to get over the loss of our dog that we adopted in 2005 right before Hurricane Katrina... our 16 year old basset hound/corgie mix. No. That’s stupid. No I don’t think it’s a good idea simply because I think Boober deserves at least a month of grief. Just a little bit of time to review the wonderful memories he gave us. Just a tiny bit of time to think over all of the times he dragged us home after we wandered all over the woods. He is extraordinary, and I just think he deserves a moment. Well, at least he’ll be getting it from me.... I’m still grieving Kally and I’ll also be grieving him as well.

[dearmisssydney]

My parents did everything in their power to cure my depression. They made me busy. They gave me extra things to do to keep my mind off of you. I think they thought that by working, I could work through my sadness. But they were trying to cure depression... what I have is grief. I have grief that is so deeply rooted inside me right now that it feels like it constricts me. It feels tight and heavy like a constant broken feeling. Grief is like continually breaking a vase and gluing it back together... over and over and over again. It is so hard to pull yourself together, you know.

I grieve you. Every single day. This past few weeks I’ve tried to shut it out. The mention of you, I pretended not to hear. Oh it’s so painful to remember you. Seeing pictures of you cues automatic tears. I told myself today that if I could go back in time for one single day, I’d come to see you. I just can’t seem to let you go Kally. I can’t seem to unpicture that last day. It plays in the background like a movie I dread watching.

I find myself slipping in and out of different stages of grief. And that’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay is what I remind myself. But oh god missing you hurts so bad... it’s so painful. I didn’t realize how important you truly were until I no longer had you. I miss you in ways that words can’t even describe. The strangest things remind me of you. Today, someone dropped food on the floor and I thought Kally will come through and get it. But it was the painful realization that you wouldn’t... because you aren’t here anymore. I haven’t quite grasped the concept that you aren’t coming back. I guess that’s what I’m struggling with most, you aren’t here with me anymore. You won’t turn the corner and enter the room, you won’t scratch on the back door, you won’t come running with those tippy tappy claws on the tile, you won’t... because you aren’t here anymore.

I miss you, Kally.

[dearmisssydney]

I like to imagine Kally is running in a large grassy field somewhere... or drifting between the glassiness of the sky right between where the sea kisses the horizon. I like to imagine her young and happy. I like to imagine that when I die of old age, I’ll meet her in that field, and she’ll run to me like I’ve only been gone an hour. Like how she used to greet me when I came in from a long day of school. I like to imagine her walking up to the door of my house again, and walking with me to water my vegetable garden like we used to. I like to imagine she’s healthy and youthful...

As a teenager, I once heard a sermon about how dogs don’t go to heaven... I remember the way the preacher fervently said it as if he’d been to heaven and knew for certain. I remember how cold he sounded, and the way I just sat there stunned. I remember how cruel it felt, and I remember how some people in the crowd laughed at the notion of creatures in heaven. I also noticed how some people in the crowd looked down as if they too did not agree. It was painful to listen to. Respectfully, I think he’s wrong.

I think of Revelation 5:13, Ecclesiastes 3: 19-22, Romans 8: 21-22, Psalm 36:6, Luke 12:6, Job 12:10... One of the preachers points was questioning if each ant in an ant hill would go to heaven or bees in a beehive ... But isn’t God the God of impossible? So is it really that impossible that bees and ants have a place in heaven too? No human knows the true nature of God, they know nothing of his vastness or his mystery. We can’t even begin to comprehend the majesty that he has created. Consider space and how we know only a minute piece of it and there is still more than we could ever imagine left to explore. God is the same. We know only a minute portion of his kingdom. However, is it really a question of Gods purpose for his creatures or was it failure to comprehend the vastness of God. Was it the question of God’s ability to make it so, or the failure to comprehend why he would? For no one knows the truth of God, his entirety, and his mystery except him.

I’m no biblical scholar, and I’m no perfect star studded Christian... but I’ve always loved his creation. I’ve always respected it and I’ve always given it consideration. I guess that I’ve always had a heart for compassion and hope. I also have to give thought that this question is never directly addressed in the Bible. So coming to a conclusion is only an assumption on my part and on the preachers. But to dismiss the possibility feels wrong, and for that, I will always have an open mind.

My mother taught me how important they are and to care for each creature no matter how small. I’ve always thought that each creature has a purpose... meaning. And with Kally, she made me the woman I am today. I loved her with all of my being, and I know that she closed her eyes in death and opened them in heaven. I’ll never debate that with another human because she was mine. She was personal... and she isn’t a bargaining token. But I know that her life, while very short in comparison to mine, had so much meaning and purpose.