of course you end up becoming yourself

[dearoldschooldiary]

Testing, testing

Is this thing on? Man it’s been a long time since I’ve shared here. A quick update:

1- I have an almost one year old!

2- I’ve been back at work for more than five months and have been shocked to discover I really love being a working parent

3- With the one caveat that we have a horrendous logistical situation. We’re trying to remedy it by buying a house but that plan has been foiled multiple times. We have awful real estate luck. Currently attempting to keep a deal to buy our dream house (impeccable 1937 colonial! Walk to town and train! Quiet street! Window seats!) together after a massive appraisal issue.

4- The day after we had the (successful) inspection for aforementioned dream house - which also happens to be on the small side, with three bedrooms, as well as borderline over our budget - we found out I was pregnant.

5- Uh, that was a surprise.

6- I mean maybe not because we were trying but “trying” doesn’t mean much when you’re super infertile.

7- Guess I just relaxed??!!

8- JK, obv I didn’t relax, it’s the most bizarre thing ever. Currently eight weeks. Scared af - had some spotting, still scarred from my past missed miscarriage, don’t understand how this could possibly work out with my shitty eggs. Also so sick! Basically nonfunctional. Can’t really take care of my kiddo, husband is super frustrated with my lack of ability to do anything.

Emotionally and physically I really hate the first tri. But I know I just have to get through each day. I don’t know what’s waiting for me at the end of this slog - it could be good news or bad, I’ve had both. But I know now, for sure, that it’s worth the try.

[dearoldschooldiary]

One year ago today we transferred this blastocyst to me. Today he is our Tuck.

I will be grateful all my life. For science, for this little embryo’s resilience…and for my own resilience too.

[dearoldschooldiary]

Nursing devolved into burping devolved into this. Not mad about it (even if my boob is now killing me.)

[dearoldschooldiary]

Life right now: messy hair, a baby that screams a lot, clothes that don’t fit, breastfeeding woes.

But also: the perfect weight of him on my chest when he’s finally exhausted himself from crying. Listening to him hiccup and remembering all the times I felt them from the inside. The shape of his tiny body curled against Dave. Franny trying to comfort him when he’s fussy. Cards of joy and excitement addressed to him in the mail. Letters of necessity and dryness addressed to him in the mail. (They somehow thrill me just the same - his own insurance card! His birth certificate!) Another slice of the vanilla cake that my brother baked for me just because I said, “I’m totally craving cake.”

Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and frustrated and then hearing Sweet Baby James in the car and remembering how long I waited for him and how lucky we are he made it here, to us.

It’s nothing like I expected. So much harder and so much more wonderful than anything I could have dreamed up.

[dearoldschooldiary]

Tuck is here

Theodore, nicknamed Tuck, arrived this morning at 2:46 a.m., clocking in at 7 pounds 4 ounces. We are over the moon. More to come but wanted to sneak in a quick, big thanks for your support. Xoxo.

[dearoldschooldiary]

Yep it's for real

So: June 5. The day D. and I met. The baby's due date. And the day he finally decided to get this party started. I'm only 1 cm dilated and not contracting on my own so they started pitocin and warned us we're in for a long haul. I'm nervous and excited and relieved all at once. Hoping to have good news to share in the next couple days. Xoxo.

[dearoldschooldiary]

A funny thing happened two minutes after I published that last post

I think my water broke. At L&D now trying to figure out if it's for real.

[dearoldschooldiary]

June 5

Today is my due date. It's also the 10-year anniversary of meeting my husband. At a hostel in Barcelona. Work won't quit and I showed no progress at my OB appointment today and I'm feeling like my body has let me down again. I'm simultaneously craving an induction and worried I'm being impetuous and impatient by scheduling one. The forecast is calling for rain and I'm cranky and unsure and a teensy bit scared. But. I'm trying to choose to have perspective and enjoy as much as I can. Despite my job's best efforts, I'm attempting to start my leave tomorrow. I managed to nab breakfast reservations at ABCV (maybe this kid will respond to sea buckthorn and gooseberries?) and am looking forward to a hip meal with D's cousin R, who I love and who I'm hoping will be our kid's godmother. After, I'll head uptown to see my cousin L. at her very cool and sciency place of work. (I am convinced if I somehow go into labor there, there's enough Nobel Prize winners around that someone will figure out how to deliver me. Also, Cornell is across the street.) Wednesday, I'm meeting another dear friend for gossip and lunch and might take myself to the Met. Oh, and then it's possible I'll start the process of having a baby that night:) I trust my doctor. I am very very hopeful that one way or another, we will welcome a new person into our family soon. I am taking a deep breath and trying to soak it all in. This strange, wonderful, liminal time.

[dearoldschooldiary]

39+5 and this kid is showing no signs of showing up anytime soon. That's ok, though -- I feel grateful to be here and good physically and just love this time of year. Heading into Brooklyn for lobster rolls and key lime pie and a stroll with my husband. Hospital bag's in the trunk:)

[dearoldschooldiary]

T's dresser arrived today, in the nick of time. His little clothes are in the drawers. Custom Harry Potter art (quotes that have been especially dear to me during this journey) is up. Polka-dotted sheet in his crib, a mobile of little lambs overhead. Shelves stocked with some books and lovies. Watercolored alphabet (featuring exotic animals!) is going up tonight, next to the fancy night light I splurged on. Baskets are stocked with various baby paraphernalia. Guess we just need the baby now:)

[dearoldschooldiary]

I walked all over the city today – past the New York Public Library to get green tea soft serve with my colleague and dear friend L., up to Columbus Circle for a last session with my therapist, over to the Parker Meridien for a fancy pre-baby pedicure and then all through Central Park with my best friend M. It was gorgeous out - the evening weather, especially, had that perfect June feel - and I am currently speeding home on the train, feeling so content and so in this moment, if that makes sense, for the first time in a long time.

This last stretch can be difficult, I know, but it’s also so special and liminal. I am going to try to make the most of it.

Plus, if 10.5 miles doesn’t get him going, I don’t know what will:)

We’re ready when you are, kiddo.

[dearoldschooldiary]

38+4

1 cm dilated. (Up from .5 at my last check.) Baby is down in my pelvis. I was up for a while last night with Braxton Hicks that won't quit. I didn't want to get my hopes up that it was the real deal last night but there was a moment when I thought: hey, this *could* be it. And promptly started crying. I'm sure I sound like a broken record at this point but I just can't believe this is really happening, after everything that's come before. What a miracle and a joy.

[dearoldschooldiary]

36 + 3

I saw the baby for the first time in many weeks on Monday.

All is well. He is head down. He is six pounds six ounces! 58th percentile. His fluid and heart rate are in the normal range.

I cannot believe my body did this.

For the first time in a very very long time, I am starting to think of him, of who he might be. Who we might be as parents.

It is a little scary to daydream like this, knowing anything could still happen. But I’m trying to lean in to the joy and the hope.

We are so close.

Hang in there, T. I’ve been waiting so long to meet you.

[dearoldschooldiary]

week by week

I hit 35 weeks on Monday. It occurred to me that this has been such an exercise in slowly chipping away at what you want and hanging in there...because you have no other choice and there's simply no other way to do it. Week by week. Some easier than others. I can't believe we've gotten here.

[dearoldschooldiary]

I don’t know what I thought it was going to be like, having a boy, but this beautiful, gentle seventeen-year-old who drives his sister to the town library and plays Joni Mitchell on the piano and says deadpan things like, 'Same,' to make me laugh after I muse aloud that perimenopause is killing me — this is beyond whatever my wildest dreams must have been about babies, boys, people in general. Whatever it is you imagine boys are, or teenagers, I promise you want this.

Catherine Newman on having a boy.

[dearoldschooldiary]

Progress (and distress) over at our place this morning.

[dearoldschooldiary]

Five years ago, today. Feeling grateful for the best days since, and for the worst days too, since D. held my hand through all of them. As the line goes: I know who I married…and just how lucky I am.