About The Zachary Project
Dear Zachary is our way of sharing our story and spreading awareness of addiction. Zachary was a son, a brother, a friend, a hard worker, a cousin, a grandson, avid hockey player, music lover and so much more. But what Zachary tried to hide from the world was that he was also an addict.
We still miss Zachary every single day. This blog is a dedication to him and away for his friends and family to share their lives now through letters to him. Below is my story…
I remember that day like it was yesterday… It was a Tuesday, arm day, I hate arm day… It started off like any other Tuesday. I woke up, went to the gym, went to work. I came home wondering why the lights were all off, except for the light in his room… It was typical of zach to be in his room alone. I got changed and left to go get my training miles in at the other gym. As I left I told my mom he was sleeping… I will never forget that Tuesday, returning home from the gym walking into the house and into my worst nightmare. The sounds, the smells, what I saw and what I had to do will always haunt me.
On that cold Tuesday in January, my twenty four year old brother was found lifeless, unresponsive, and cold. On that day, he left us for ever… He had fought so hard, and seemed to be so determined to beat this addiction that had taken over his life, but he lost. As the police arrived, I just remember not knowing what to do, feeling so helpless, and mad. I remember picking up the phone and calling my dad over and over again, he wasn’t answering and it was my job to get him to our house… When my dad arrived I had to tell him what was happening, I had to be the rock for my parents, I had to take car of them.
My brother Zachary was born on April 20, 1989, I was four. I hate sharing the spotlight with him, as all older siblings would. As we grew older I became his greatest fan, I’d go to his hockey games and cheer him on. To me he was always the best. When Zach went to college he started to dabble with prescription pills. I don’t really know when it got as bad as it did… But it got bad. He became an addict but hid it from the world. Eventually it became clear that he had a problem that was out of control, that’s when the detox began and rehabs. He would go through this vicious cycle every couple months, he’d be sober and then relapse and we would start all over again.
The past three year our relationship was rocky. I could read him like a book and he knew that. When zach would use he would stay as far away from me as possible. When he was sober it was like learning to love a new person, he was never the same… I couldn’t stand being around him when he was using, he was nasty and argumentative. I would have done anything in my power to take this burden away for him, but he was the only one who had the power to change his behaviors and ways… And he tried so hard.
My brother touched many lives with his strength, determination, courage, and compassion. He was an amazing chef, was able to make anyone laugh. He loved his friends more then anything else, he would do anything for them. They all wanted the same thing for zach, they wanted him happy, wanted him sober, but most of all wanted him to continue to live. Zach was a free spirit, he wasn’t afraid to be who he was. He loved going to shows with his friends, and supporting his friends band. He’d even make them continue to jam when everyone else was done. He’d dance this corky silly dance, smile and enjoy life. He never seemed to worry about what the next day would bring. Zach was so ashamed of his addiction, which he kept so private. He very rarely would ask for help, he wanted to keep,is closest friends out of that part of his life.
The days following zach’s passing were a blur… So many visitors offering support, so many tears and so much pain. The viewing seemed to last for hours. The endless hugs, stories and tears. I remember at one point looking up and wondering how he could have felt so alone when he was so loved by so many people. The funeral was gut wrenching, I still don’t know how I got through it. Standing there watching my parents say good bye to their baby boy, watching zach’s friends carry him out of the church still brings tears and goosebumps to my arms. As for me, I was numb… I felt like I had to take care of everyone, be this rock for my parents to lean on…
The pain will never go away, we all are learning to live this new normal without zach. I still have moments where I pick up the phone to call him or text him. Some days I get so angry I just have to scream… I mean how could this have happened to us? Why my brother? He was a good kid, it doesn’t make sense… But that’s the thing about addiction, it doesn’t make sense.
Addiction is a disease that has no cure. It eats away at its victims and they are never able to live a day without it. Of course with the label of addiction comes the stigma of what an addict is. Most people would say “addicts are junkies, low life’s, thieves… Why waste tax money to help someone who doesn’t want to be saved…” Well, here’s why, an addict is now your average day person… It can be your child’s best friend, the soccer mom, your neighbor… It can be anyone. As a nation this epidemic is spreading like wildfire with no end in sight. It’s taking more and more lives everyday, stealing the youth of children. Yes, an addict chooses their poison but they can not control the urge to use. As a nation we need to educate more, be more open and accepting and remove the stigma.
Everyday since that cold Tuesday in January has been painful. I think about my little brother everyday, I miss him more then anything… Nothing in my life will ever be the same… I wouldn’t want anyone to ever have to experience this heartache, this type of loss, and this pain. I feel compelled to share my painful story and to help others… On that day, a son was lost, a grandson, a brother, a nephew, a cousin, a best friend… I will never get to go to that ranger game we always talked about, or the Dave Matthews concert… So many things we had always talked about that now I will experience by myself. I wish I had made more time for my brother, wish we hadn’t just talked about these event, but actually went to them. I’m so thankful for all the memories I do have… They say a picture is worth a thousand words and I couldn’t agree more.
In the months since I lost my brother I have learned to live each day like it’s my last. Little things are so unimportant. I’m worrying less, and experiencing more. Taking chances and not holding back. I’ve lost a lot of friends but gained better ones, ones that are patient with me and understand that some days I just want to lay in bed all day. I’m doing things how zach would, and I know he’s with me in spirit always.
jimmyeatworldofficial
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