grey matter

[decaffeinaated]

She asked me the question that haunts the children of narcissists: "Did they want to hurt me? Did they want to ruin my life?" And in this instance,, "Why did they reject every man who ever cared for me?" The narcissistic parent does not want to hurt his child. He does not even see that there is child to destroy since he lives his life by looking in the mirror. He needs to destroy any "obstacle" in his path in any situation that threatens his security. This includes the developing autonomy that helps his child to grow away from him. The child is felt to be a part of himself. If the child separates, he will be hurt and possibly destroyed. So he holds on as long as possible by extinguishing the spark of separateness.

- Trapped In The Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self, Elan Golomb

[decaffeinaated]

but I see in the face of the human being raging at me a wild animal in its true colors, one more horrible than any lion, crocodile or dragon. People normally seem to be hiding this true nature, but an occasion will arise (as when an ox sedately ensconced in a grassy meadow suddenly lashes out with its tail to kill the horsefly on its flank) when anger makes them reveal in a flash human nature in all its horror.

– No Longer Human, Osamu Dazai

[decaffeinaated]

I thought, "As long as I can make them laugh, it doesn't matter how, I'll be all right. If I succeed in that, the human beings probably won't mind it too much if I remain outside their lives. The one thing I must avoid is becoming offensive in their eyes: I shall be nothing, the wind, the sky."

– No Longer Human, Osamu Dazai

[decaffeinaated]

the very thought of being forgotten just scares me

[decaffeinaated]

there's something i long for but i do not know what it is and i don't like the feeling