Chapter

Hi. This blog is my private diary. I fall in love too easily but I make it a point to care and love everyone that makes me happy. So this is me writing for my future-self to reflect back on, showing the pros and cons of loving too much. (But I remain rock-adamant that heartbreak and lost love are outweighed completely by the beauty of self-enduring love.)

[deconstructedthoughts]

[deconstructedthoughts]

So, why am I holding onto H?

Because she got in my head and promised me that she would be ready for a relationship in 5-10 years. She promised she would never love anyone else.

Promising something like that while being so damn sweet and cute and lovely, really messed my head.

[deconstructedthoughts]

Yeah, nothings changed. I’m trying to meet all these people and get myself out there to find someone I love but I feel like I will be settling no matter what. Sometimes I just feel safer reminiscing our love than going out of my way to find one. She messed me up and I don’t know what to do with my life anymore..

[deconstructedthoughts]

So, why am I holding onto H?

Because she got in my head and promised me that she would be ready for a relationship in 5-10 years. She promised she would never love anyone else.

Promising something like that while being so damn sweet and cute and lovely, really messed my head.

[deconstructedthoughts]

So, a few things have changed where as others have remained consistent.

Over the past two years I have had crushes on girls but funnily enough they were all straight. It was probably because I don't actually want to fall in love with a girl that has the capacity to love me back because my last love hurt, still hurts, and I don't want to hurt that way again.

Luckily to the last girl I had a crush on and confessed we are still very best mates and I don't have feelings for her.

Has a non straight hit on me? Yes, they have most visibly but I didn't want her. Why? Refer to my above answers.

Through my relationship with a boy I have learnt what it means to choose him everyday. It's a choice but also I think I've been too emotionally scarred to find a love that makes me feel the way H did. Obviously, I would drop everything to be with H if she let me. But ha! what an impossibility since she does not want to hear from me at all.

Anyway, does that sound like I am settling for someone who is a person that is genuinely sweet and nice and kind but I don't have a burning desire to be romantic? Yes.

Am I just being in a stable relationship that is non romantic because the person, H, that I think is everything I would want in a partner does not want to be with me? Yes.

Am I not searching for someone who is like H because it would hurt too much if they left me again? Fuck yes. I don't think I want to be hurt by anyone besides her.

Am I happy settling? I feel this is the only option I am left with.

[deconstructedthoughts]

[deconstructedthoughts]

Fk this song for being relevant. Also don't surprise me by trying to hold my hand then pretending like it's because your hands are cold. Bitch just hold my hand.

[deconstructedthoughts]

Anytime I start to get feelings even if it's a crush and I have an inkling they too feel the same I start to think about you and how they cannot compare to you.

[unique-ones-enlightened]

[thesylverlining]

I wish more people got this because some ‘low-empathy’ people are the most compassionate and sympathetic in the universe, and I hate it when that’s taken to mean ‘unfeeling and probably hostile’ when nothing could be further from the truth

[quantum-jump]

Or, as my dad put it,

Sympathy: I know how you feel Empathy: I feel how you feel Compassion: is there anything I can do to help?

[paramourblessings]

Sympathy: that sucks bro empathy: I feel that compassion: want me to send you some puppy and kitten pictures to make you feel better?

[deconstructedthoughts]

A lot of things have changed. I'm more content with the people I surround myself with, my studies, and my job.

Though, I feel as if I won't fully love again. To protect myself, I won't put my heart on the line.

So far, any advancements from girls, while nice, I stay right away from. Recently, this one girl, who isn't straight, made hella moves on me but I can't trust myself to not fall in love. Nor can I trust myself to be okay if I get hurt in the fall. So, I make an effort to stay right the hell away.

It feels as though this is the first time that I truly believe that putting myself out there causes more pain and harm than it does good.

I know who caused me to feel this way, and while I respect their decisions and reservations about me, it has shaped me to no longer pursue anyone anymore. Even if there is a chance I'll find more long term happiness, I won't put my heart on the line like that again.

I am happy where I am, because I know I won't get hurt.

[deconstructedthoughts]

Hi I'm writing here bc i feel extremely lonely. I need to figure out why. Or maybe that's just it I don't ever really talk about my feelings any more. I just feel more and more enclosed in myself. I have a lot of sadness inside me. And I used to talk to people about it. But I've gotten to this point that I understand that I have this sadness but there's really nothing to be sad about. I have a pretty okay life, it really is that I feel sad a lot of the times without there being a reason. And that's difficult to talk to someone about. That I just want to be sad and I want to cry. But also express that with others. It makes me feel so lonely

[deconstructedthoughts]

Honestly I hate you so much. Looking back on everything 1. I only did those two things I did because you cause me so much pain, and I was using sex to get over that pain, so fuck you.

2. Honestly if we were to split up how much I loved you and how much you loved me based on actions alone it'd be a 70/30 split. Every single damn time I'd chase after you. And I never broke up with you. And here I am pining over you, and hoping you'd come back and trying to stop you from calling me a whore because you broke up with me and I just used sex to get over the pain. Bitch. We were broken up. Fuck you, because honestly I'm so mad that you probably never loved me and you're hating on me when honestly the problem is you.

[deconstructedthoughts]

To me,

It’s 3.30am and while you keep having dreams of her that make your heart flutter, it’s not worth it to chase her. While she might be worth it to you, you are not worth it to her. If you love her, it is the best outcome for her if you let her go. She will be happier without you and she deserves so much more than you can offer. Don’t let your wish to be with her stop her from being the best human she can be. By texting, messaging and most importantly still being in love with her, you mess her up, mess with her head and more importantly break her heart.

If you love her let her go. Please.

I know it will be difficult. And I know she promised to be with you after 5 years but you’re both a lot happier apart. You’re both growing apart. This lesson will hurt but you’ll both be better from it, apart.

Be strong. When you falter, just know that I believe in you and I will always be here to support. Your friends, those people you love and love you equally back, will also support and love you no matter. Cling unto them while your heart breaks or you become weak.

I love you.

[deconstructedthoughts]

Reposting this cause I'm a stupid asshole to remind myself

[deconstructedthoughts]

Maybe I'm fucking stupid because I know how incompatible we are but I fucking crave you

[deconstructedthoughts]

Honestly my brain is so fucked up. I would say I am the most happiest and looking forward to life right now, with the help of my psychologist, provided by uni, my boyfriend who is nothing but supportive, my friends who have stuck through me no matter how fucked up I am.

But I keep dreaming about you on random nights. I dreamt about you asking me if we could be friends with benefits because if you dated me I would break your heart. And that broke my heart hearing that because all I really wanted was for you to be completely mine as I would be completely yours.

Honestly I think there's a part of me that clings on to protect myself from getting my heart broken (if there's only a small tiny part of me that doesn't completely love my boyfriend it's because he doesn't caress me and hold me at night the way you do, the way it makes me feel like I could be in your arms forever and it'd be safe and you'd love me and kiss me and we'd forget about the outside world and I fucking crave that). Honestly maybe I'm missing that in my own relationship and why you pop in my head so often. Maybe I'm holding onto you because you promised to love me forever. Maybe I'm just fucking stupid.

[deconstructedthoughts]

Sometimes I kid myself that I'm not still crazily in love with you even though it's been almost 9 months since we last saw each other.

[deconstructedthoughts]

If you asked me right now to marry you and be with you forever but we couldnt be together for 5 years until then, I'd say yes in a heartbeat.

[deconstructedthoughts]

To me,

It's 3.30am and while you keep having dreams of her that make your heart flutter, it's not worth it to chase her. While she might be worth it to you, you are not worth it to her. If you love her, it is the best outcome for her if you let her go. She will be happier without you and she deserves so much more than you can offer. Don't let your wish to be with her stop her from being the best human she can be. By texting, messaging and most importantly still being in love with her, you mess her up, mess with her head and more importantly break her heart.

If you love her let her go. Please.

I know it will be difficult. And I know she promised to be with you after 5 years but you're both a lot happier apart. You're both growing apart. This lesson will hurt but you'll both be better from it, apart.

Be strong. When you falter, just know that I believe in you and I will always be here to support. Your friends, those people you love and love you equally back, will also support and love you no matter. Cling unto them while your heart breaks or you become weak.

I love you.