THEME GENDER ROLES, COLLECTIVIST CULTURES AND THE ROLE OF THE FAMILY AND “THE HOME”’
THEME GENDER ROLES, COLLECTIVIST CULTURES AND THE ROLE OF THE FAMILY AND “THE HOME”
#kind of all over the place, just need to write out initial thoughts
I spent the day interacting with my mother, who I do not always get along with, or understand. My health hasn’t been too great as of late, and I’m “visiting” but not visiting, I’m home.
When I’m here, my friends ask me why I opt out from participating in certain activities. Why don’t I do what I want? I’m an adult. “Mid-twenties, what’s your excuse!” Aside from only being here for a temporary amount of time, the “adult agency” and individualism arguments do not translate for me in the same way they do for others raised in individualist type family structures (be it by choice or situation) might. I find them as frustrating as liberal commentary that places all the blame, er responsibility of a person on an individual, you know, like one action makes your life easier. It might, but what’s the long-term impact on your life?
The language, my interactions with my family and in general, how people respond to conversations about parenthood has had me thinking about gender roles, culture and all as always intersectionality. It’s not a new stream of thought, or anything. I just…feel the need to address it, in a non-academic way, for now.
Let’s move back to the fact that I often say I am “visiting” my parent’s house when in reality I mean I’m going home. The idea of being home here, despite being fully grown is one that so many western cultures reject. I didn’t even grow up in this house. No, I haven’t lived in a non-transitory, or permanent setting in the sense that I have only owned my own furniture starting this year. What does that even mean, though? And here, I do have my own room, so yes, that helps, but even if I didn’t, wherever my parents live will always be home. I have a highly dysfunctional relationship with my parents and I can’t say I like them most of the time. They are controlling and angry; they are some sort of mix of liberal (liberal in the general sense) authoritarian, and their idea of cultural hybridity is messed up. But they’re my parents.
No matter how much they psychologically scar me, I probably would never “cut them off.” Emotional abuse? Loads of it? I’m still here. I know that’s problematic. There are factors that would push me over the edge, but as we are now, I could not do it. I should note that I give them passes for many reasons, even if I shouldn’t. They’re good people, stuck in-between “east meets west” garbage (it’s actually racism playing dress-up), trying to stay afloat without showing weakness in the face of adversity. Culture is a hindrance and a focal point.
I’m prattling on about this, because I have a point in here, somewhere, I swear.
I don’t know how to address gender roles and views on them in a way that sits right with me. On one hand, I don’t want to fall into the “western” homogenizing trap that labels non-Euro cultures as oppressive because westrocentrism realllly pisses me off (and white saviour bullshit) but I am also aware it’s important to address how gender is played out.
That being said, we do not all grow up with the same experiences and mentalities. So many people forget this. I’m tired of blanket statements that make assumptions about how something should be on the basis of agency. I do feel like sometimes they imply that a) my decisions are a sign of weakness b) I am denying myself free will c) my parents are “backwards” because d) my culture is backwards and e) I need to be freed.
I’m a hypocrite sometimes, I won’t argue this. I’ve found myself guilty of imposing my own ideologies on others (in similar situations) without considering the context. Some of it is because I was raised here, some of it is just agency, and some of it is bias. And hypocrisy. There’s a line, I think. I’ll get to that. Maybe. It’s such a huge, complex topic.
I’m (mostly) second generation but with a combination of different, sometimes conflicting value systems. As a child, I had white Christian female friends growing up that had less “freedom” than I did. I also have Muslim male friends who’s parents are heavily involved in their lives. I say this because I don’t want anyone thinking that I grew up in this oppressive, patriarchal household because of my culture, or whatever. I grew up in an oppressive household because my parents are overprotective and this was *with* hints of the crap patriarchy teaches you, in all cultures. Throw in identity issues, colonialism, racism, internalized racism, classism and other wonderful elements there, and how they contribute and then you have something.
Yes…in my culture and or my parents’ culture, especially given our particular social locations I’m not saying it’s right- there are different, sometimes problematic gender roles that surface in different ways. In addition, there are general cultural/familial expectations that persist, even with changing gender roles. But it’s not so easily summarized?
My parents are prone to fighting about…um, everything, so I guess I pick my battles. There are a lot of things I do not tell them because it’s just too much hassle. I imagine if I ever lived with, for example a male outside of marriage, yeah, they’d have to deal with it they would, but it would be an issue..forever. Not quite the same as learning (ugh) “tolerance” if I came home with a lady partner. It would just be yet another strain on the relationship, one that they would not understand. Being an adult and on my own has nothing to do with it.
Some of it is about the community, and family. What will they think? The diaspora issues are probably the most troubling for me. It’s hard to be on the outside and in the inside. I personally don’t give a crap about what the larger South Asian communities think about me. My family does. I hate it, and I understand it. I complain about it, I fight with my parents about it constantly and question their motives when I know the answers. Where we live, it’s so white. It’s ostracizing.
When my mother came here, the community, and a few racialized friends were the ones who accepted her. My father grew up in the west, but he’s out of place. Stuck. He doesn’t fit in either worlds, but in the South Asian community he’s at least respected because of his class positioning. He’s other, but not an Other.
The community is their extended family. The extended extended family. They’re judging, they gossip and everyone’s in everyone’s business. The community grows, the drama grows, information flows. Small fairly anti-immigrant city, over-involved, seemingly singular community full of people struggling to find their place within the Canadian, and then local diasporic status quo. My mother holds onto them still, because she has nothing else here. My paternal grandparents are here, and my father’s heavily assimilated siblings are here. They fish and hunt, don’t speak a word of Bangla and pretend racism doesn’t exist. Internalized racism at it’s finest. My mother, she wants a sense of home. Isn’t that what everyone looks for, in some ways? Home. Acceptance. However problematic the packaging is.
Family is home. Your extended family is home. The larger disaporic community, they’re family, but not really. You take what you can get when you’re looking for a connection.
Is this making any sense at all?
It’s all so integrated.
This doesn’t speak true for everyone, I don’t want to mistake that. A person is not their culture. Culture is not monolithic. But we can’t ignore culture either, or at least how we interpret it, or how it’s interpreted for us.
That being said, at least, again, the following can be said to be true for many collectivist cultural families, and people of a similar social location to me:
Culture and community influence each other. Culture and community are family, family is family, family augments culture. Or culture augments family? I can’t say. It’s all so intertwined, for the good and bad. And then you account for variables that I mentioned earlier. The push and pull of Canada’s faux-multiculturalism only creates insecurity.
Argh, where am I going with this? I don’t even know anymore. I could draw a diagram, of how everything is so connected but I doubt it would make more sense.
For my parents, the word of family is annoyingly important. The diaspora, by virtue of imagined connectedness (nostalgia! memory! shared lived experiences! language, culture) is allowed to weigh in on decisions, or influence interactions. I am not okay with this, but I understand it.
*Saying imagined does not make it any less important
I do differentiate family influence from problems of cultural patriarchy- differentiate in the sense that I don’t think ideologies of familial collective community and patriarchy are mutually exclusive. Lineage and factors mentioned in the paper play roles in establishing and reinforcing prototypical norms. I mean again, South Asian culture isn’t a monolith. But denying the existence of underlying themes does everyone a disservice.
The paper I linked mentions South Asian females desire to replicate the values instilled my families- and another notes the importance of family in South Asian culture (this article has a tone of generalization, especially because it’s about cultural sensitivity…and I’ve written about the problems about that before on my regular blog. Still, I think they have some valid points) “South Asian youth are socialized from birth to believe that family loyalty and a sense of duty toward one’s parents and relatives are paramount, so parents traditionally use guilt, shame, and moral obligation to regulate their children’s behaviour. When South Asian parents’ efforts to regulate their children’s behaviour fail or backfire, parents may experience increased stress. They may attribute adolescents’ attempts to assert their autonomy as arrogance on the part of the child. In other cases, parents may interpret their adolescents’ preferences for the dominant culture as a sign of their own inability to parent effectively (Shariff, 2009).
"The collectivist orientation of the South Asian culture promotes the primary importance of the welfare of the family, which usually includes grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Individuals are expected to sacrifice their personal desires to ensure the well-being of their families when individual and group goals conflict . Furthermore, one’s self-concept exists in relation to others, and pursuing personal goals and desires that conflict with family goals is perceived to be selfish. The emphasis on collectivism fosters familial interdependence throughout the lifespan; children are socialized to remain emotionally dependent on their parents well into adulthood. As a result, parents and grandparents exert significant amounts of influence in all aspects of life, with elders being respected and revered as wise authority figures. Since South Asian parents often perceive their children’s individuation as a loss of control, encouraging adolescent autonomy is not considered desirable.”
Whether it’s a form of control or not, it does not negate the fact that family, even just the concept itself, wields power within my community. And telling me to accept my reality, and or reject my reality, denies the comprehensive ways in which I’m impacted by family, and culture.
My grandfather, to this day, believes he should have ultimate say over my father. He does this without sharing any money! He’s a great example of patriarchy. In my own nuclear family (provided), it will be my mother. While she reinforces patriarchal tropes in so many ways, she simultaneously subverts them. More of that internalized shit, really. When my parents stop spoonfeeding me, my mother will still be the boss. I will not always listen to her, no, but I will take her into account.
I agree that the infantilization of adult children is ridiculous, yes, and you have to know when to separate yourself from them…but at the same time, some of the same arguments don’t stand in the same context. As noted, family is placed above most things (not that this isn’t problematic) and the idea of this is just…like ingrained. Kinship, respecting elders.it’s different, individualism isn’t stressed in the same way. And again, not saying it’s right or wrong- but in some collectivist cultures, “disobedience” is seen as failure in parenting. It’s not just about pride, but I don’t know how to explain it more in depth without writing *even more*. I also know that in the face of racism/assimilation, even if my parents don’t necessarily care about certain cultural “requirements” they still will uphold them (to an extent) because they think they’re preserving the culture. Or their idea of what cultural practices exist.
I wholly support standing up to your parents, especially if they’re standing in the way of your happiness and wellbeing but from my context (even if I say this, I don’t completely act on it) completely disregarding their values isn’t an option. At least, blatantly so? If it can be helped? I don’t know, this is so long. I actually will turn this into a proper essay, so, uh, sorry about that. This is the part where I type endlessly, and process as things go along. Er, sorry again.
I’m just trying to say that it’s frustrating to have people constantly misunderstand, without the slightest hint of context. I understand the culture is different, and as my conflicted ramblings indicate, quite complex. But I feel like what it boils down to, on a different scale is sometimes an inability to even want to understand. I don’t know how I feel for, for example, about the “move out once you’re 18” mentality. I mean, I understand it, even the ideology behind it, some of it is bootstraps-y, and some if it is necessity. And culture! I get the “theory” behind it. I don’t always agree, depending on the situation, but I “understand.”
I have friends that don’t understand why I go out of my way to hide certain items when my parents visit because I’m an “adult” and I can do what I want. I mean, yes, I am, but…it’s not that simple. I do think it’s important to be honest (as much as possible) with your parents, I don’t agree with living a complete lie. I also don’t think they need to know everything, or that they would ever understand. It’s a line between agency, and some semblance of respect, however problematic it may be.
Yeah, I’m not my culture, we can still think outside of our cultures. (There’s also a privilege in cognizance. Especially western cognizance). I can’t 100% understand it either. Regardless, it still shapes them, it shapes who I am, and how we interact.
In the future, I will probably perpetuate certain aspects, hopefully in a conscientious way. I can’t guarantee that, but I can try. As annoying as family is, hopefully I can try to take the good aspects of family-centric..er..families (support, when it’s actually given, an extra kidney…) and replicate those in my life.
How long of a way is this to complain that I’m tired of being told that “I’m an adult?” It’s a new way of bootstrapping, in some ways. Just..devoid of context.
**I haven’t addressed deviance in terms of sexuality, etc, because I don’t know how to. I know what’s said to be prevalent within families, and people that are outcast. I don’t know enough about this to make comments, in terms of religion, and changing norms. It could go either way in my family.
My family members, for the most part, are not extremely religious, even if they’re bigots. Mostly. I think if someone came out, it would be horrible and most of them probably would not understand, but I don’t think anyone would be outcast from the family. I don’t know about other families, but when I’ve seen any sort of “exiling” of a family members it’s been from family members with extreme views.
***I also know of people that haven’t spoken to their family members in years. I know this isn’t the same for everyone. But in all of the families I’m thinking of, they all still have bizarre ideas of family or a tight grip on the family members they haven’t, you know, cut off.
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