The problem child of this generation. @deepheatandredbull - Tumblr Blog

Happy Birthday Zak - I love you and I hope you’re having the most wonderful day at the rainbow bridge 💕

Hi Bailey,

It’s been a while. I’m sorry about that.

I still talk about you and I’m sure you can hear every time we mention your name.

Zak died yesterday.

I was in Copenhagen, Lucy was in Barcelona, and Dad sat in the car because he couldn’t stand to watch.

Mum went in on her own and held our boy until the end. He went peacefully and with his mum giving him all the love she could muster on behalf of us all.

In the end it was the kindest thing we could do for him because just like you, that dog deserved all the kindness in the world.

I wonder if you can look out for him? He’s gentle and kind, loves carrots and would happily take you on a walk to the closest river.

It’s weird because I haven’t been in Zak’s existence for long periods of time since I was 18. It hurts, I’ve cried but I can breathe a bit better than before.

Maybe it’s the shock? Maybe it’s just that I’ve done this before?

Maybe it’s because I knew it was the best and right thing for him. He was in so much pain and his little legs couldn’t hold him anymore.

He waited for Dad’s magazine to got to print and then told us it was time, but we knew, we had known for a while.

12 years, 11 months and 5 days of Zak. He was the goodest boy in the whole world. Chief carrot cruncher and expert river finder.

He kept me alive when I was at my worst and he kept me breathing when it got hard.

He was my first best friend and I loved him with my whole heart.

Look after him Bailey, please. I know he’ll be safe with you.

#thoughts

Because the truth is:

I have loved you since I was 18.

That’s 7 years of never, sometimes and always on my mind.

I adored you.

The long nights and the 2am arguments.

The drunk calls, the slamming doors and all those “almost” moments.

My god, we were so fucking toxic.

You were bad for me in every. Single. Way. But Jesus Christ I miss it sometimes.

The will they, won’t they?

The blocking then unblocking with ‘I miss you’ texts.

The ‘you are everything I want’ texts at 4am when we’re drunk but then at 4pm when we’re sober.

I won’t go back, it would kill me, and I’m not that person anymore.

But it was the kind of love that drives you crazy.

It was the ‘can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t dream without you’ kind of love,

and I hope you always remember it.

#thoughts #night time thoughts

I can’t sleep and I’m thinking of ending things.

As in relationships.

Not life.

Just so we’re clear.

#thoughts #breakups #hurt #emotional

Everything is fucked.

I’m in the worst mental state I’ve ever been in. I’m drinking too much, smoking too much and being a fucking liability.

I’m trying so fucking hard to keep myself afloat. To keep my relationship going. To keep everyone around me happy and under the impression I’m doing just fine.

I hate it. I hate who I am and what’s happened.

I hate that my entire existence and being was dependent on a school that determined I wasn’t good enough for them.

I spent 10 years planning my life and working towards something that has just crumbled at my feet with nothing to show for it but debt.

My teacher was right. Who the fuck would want to work with someone like me. I’m sick all the time. My body gives up and I can’t do it.

Jesus fucking Christ I hate everything. I’m so angry. I’m so hurt. I’m so fucking broken.

I can’t even cry anymore. Im just this human being that exists and pretends it’s all okay.

Pass me the weed. I’m checking out for a few weeks ✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼✌🏼

#thoughts #fucked #i hate everything