Jin. @deeplylostinmymind - Tumblr Blog

Martin, Grandpa José, Erick... is time to meet again. ❤️

Now, nothing is holding me back.

I think is time to fly now... 🦋

I want to know what is on the other side of the rainbow. My journey has come to an end.

Now… How do I tell him?

Why is it so hard to leave the ones you love? When someone isn’t good for you, when someone takes away your peace and mental health… I don’t want to be dragged down anymore…

I want more, I want to be successful. With or without you. I can be independent, you don’t.

#tw depressing thoughts #breakdown #12 am thoughts

Creí que había crecido, que comenzaba a avanzar… pero cada vez me pierdo más, me frustro más…

¿Cómo puedo planear mi futuro, si mi presente me estanca? A veces ser 2 es más complicado que no tener mitad.

¿Cómo es que no noto cuándo dejé de sentir…?

#Spotify

Que difícil es crecer…

So… here I am again.

I was finally living my best life, got out from depression (or that what I thought), I am close to graduate from college, broke up with my long distance boyfriend and met the love of my life in 2020, and today we said goodbye for good.

I am broken… am I flawed? That Anson Seabra song is on repeat in my head.

Is this the right choice? Maybe it’s time to let him go…

Silence

It’s me again.

I actually had this stupid thought that I was going to be able to get through this, taking my meds, trying to live my life, be happy, get thru my healing process with succeed. And yeah, everything was going fine. Got a boyfriend, long distance relationship (i think this was the hardest part), he helpt me, a lotttt, even without knowing it, but he lied and failed once, and screwed things up. It’s hard AF to me to trust people and even worse when they fail me.

Since weeks ago I started noticing that meds aren’t working like they should be, but I really wanna keep it quiet. It kinda feels OK to be back to normal, to be back myself. Feeling alone, disoriented, depressed... This quarantine haven't helped at all too! One month without being able to socialize a bit with people that’s not my family... Is truth that in normal ocassions I don’t usually socialice, but at least I was able to go to college and see people, talk a bit with some friends, breath fresh air, get sunlight... I think this situation made me get worse.

Now, not even games can lift me up, I don’t wanna read any books, I don’t wanna paint, do pending work I have. The only thing that makes me forget about shit is watching anime or netflix series, but I can’t be sitting all day doing it, can I? In some way I am trying to avoid falling into depression again, it doesn’t scares me because I’ve been there before, meds are just holding the last pieces of me that are still.

I broke with my boyfriend before he could presence all shit that is near to come. He is a sweetheart, even though all shit that happened before, he tried to change and tried not to loose me. I had to be the shittiest person ever this past days so he could finally stop looking after me... And that finally made me a fully shit person that don’t deserves love or friendship. I started to hate myself before even breaking up with him, I started to fall into a long and deep black hole where I can’t get out. I was just trying to save him from all shit that is near to come! He will never understand.

I really hope he find love, grace, and all good things he deserves in another soul. A soul that is not as broken as mine. I NEVER WILL STOP LOVING HIM! He is more than I ever deserve. He deserves more. He will get more some day. I love you, my sunlight.

Meantime, I am going to try to survive... Am I gonna be able to see my old me again someday?

#depression #heal #mental health #bipolarity #meds #blog

floralls

Scotney Castle by LINDSEY RENTON

kaasbolletje

Heal process

Lately I’ve been trying different stuff for healing my soul and discovering myself. Time has gone way too fast that I haven’t been able to enjoy as much as I would like, or maybe I’m way too lazy or depressed to do it.

But one of the things that have helped me to progress is connecting with nature, being surrounded by nature. Plants, animals, air, the sky, calm- is one of the greatest things I’ve experienced, just along w a spotify playlist that has the most inspiring and relaxing music I’ve ever heard. Rn I just feel calm, even though I feel like there’s missing pieces of me that I need to discover and eventually, fill.

I feel that I don’t belong here, where I live. My souls needs to connect where I belong but I just don’t know yet where that is. I get desesperate over time, feeling that I’m getting stuck and will never succeed, and that kind of thoughts make me stuck more! We need to stop thinking that we can’t, because w effort, love, passion, hard work, we all can achieve great stuff. I say WE because that’s most of the human being problem, society and fcking standards make us think and feel that we’re not worth it and that we can’t, but we need to change that negative thinking w possitive stuff. I know, i know, it’s not easy, like coldplay said “Nobody said it was easy!” so work and fight for it!

I’m not giving my best, I always say that tomorrow I’m gonna start giving more effort, then tomorrow comes and I say, NO NO, TOMORROW IS DEFINITELY THE DAY! and so on. I have the intention, the motivation, I feel it. But then there’s something inside me that takes all that away and put it back again.

So if we don’t heal what’s inside first, we won’t be able to reach great stuff.

Once again, nature have helped me to feel stuff I haven’t felt before. It feels great. Connecting with all what we have around is a great feeling. 21st century have taken the best of us that is being able to notice what’s around, we live too much on our cellphones, computers, game consoles. We barely go out, and when we go out we’re stuck on our phones. We don’t appreciate what’s around, and I’m not saying just nature but people too. We need to get free from our chains, I’m not saying to get rid of all tech, bc tech is important and useful but to know to appreciate what’s around and connect with real life.

I think that’s it. That’s what we need to work on first. Connect with life, I guarantee you’re gonna be finding yourself after that.

Life is precious. Enjoy it. Take the best of it- (I might be saying this rn and a week later being depressed af thanks to my illness, but I really need to read this when I fall so I can rise again)