It's Too Loud In My Head

The little pool of blood the egotist me plays in before, during or after idle hours or working hours, every second in my waking hour is a constant outburst of thought. Anger, sadness, maybe joy. Mostly saudade.

[jreischl]

Jon Reischl, Greinwald, Mixed-media on canvas. 30” x 42”

[signedsentence]

[carlwithak]

everyone was arguing whether there was an admin or not

This is great.

[deewasjazz-blog]

The infinite wisdom of wait but why. Quit slacking, click the link, and start reading. See you in the Dark Playground.

[deewasjazz-blog]

Saturday is slow

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We shared a passion for Metallica though they were god status for you. You introduced me to Groove Salad and Massive Attack. You always gave me that nudge when I wasn't giving it my all, you always reminded me I could do better.

It took me over a year before I got the balls to swallow my pride and if it weren't for BC (yeah, the perpetual mediator and go-between) who has been trying for ages to get us to even be in the same room at the same time, I haphazardly scribbled your number and I couldn't even remember if I thanked BC.

Ever so often, I'd be torn between my decision and RZ's taunts.

"Dude, he's not good enough for you," and he would repeat that until I get pissed and go all defensive. "Dude, he's 6 years older than you. That's a huge gap" or "Dude, your papa's looking for you." Six years didn't matter. What mattered was that, you and I had nothing in terms of fixing the things that's falling apart around us and no mater how hard we patched things as best as we could, you and I soon deteriorated too.

I was always the calm, cool and distant one, you were passionate, quick-tempered, and possessive. For once, I let someone clip my wings willingly and I felt secure and oddly, relaxed. November's gloom hung over us like a death cloud and it followed us til the new year. When the earliest wave of Summer heat scorched us, it burned the remnant of whatever civility between us remained. We bickered like ill-tempered toddlers, BC couldn't even pacify us anymore, RZ was feeding fuel to the flames.

The very first thing I texted was about my rib ink.

I was wrong a year ago, and it never made anything right. I didn't wanna reopen closed wounds and I think at least I did that one right.

I'm sorry I gave in to taunting. I'm sorry I let RZ burn you with sarcasm and treat you like shit despite you treating him like a friend because he was one to me (or so I thought). I'm happy that you've moved on now.

When you asked me if Is till listened to Massive or Groove, I told you I listened to neither one since that final argument because it was too much of a reminder. But in truth, I still listen to Groove when I can but never Massive, until today while I write this. Especially not this.

[deewasjazz-blog]

WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Having strolls with my paternal grandmother in the garden while I was safely strapped in the stroller. She would take me with her morning exercise, making sure to stop before each plant that had blossoms so she and I could admire them.

[deewasjazz-blog]

Much Too Much!

AC/DC is my boredom panacea today.

 Mmyeah.. She's got the touch, a touch too much!

 How does this not squash anyone's boredom? All you have to do is sit there and grind your hips to the rhythm while your pound away on your keyboard. I'm telling you world, it's all about the light typing. Gently, gently... gently.

-x-

3 articles with deadlines in a few hours included something finance-related. Hey, I am moolah-savvy but dude, I am nearly close to ignorant about the world of business, finance, economics, stocks, and trades. None'a dat dawg! 

Marissa Mayer and Yahoo! would be my picks for finance. I'm sorry but I'm joining the bandwagon of nincompoops who think Mayer is a savior. And possibly someone's I'd say is an inspiration for someone who dislikes the leadership role (I gave up being a guild master/mistress in for a quirky Molten WoW guild and handed it over to someone I haven't met in person before but have talked to fairly often for the [then] passed few weeks. The least trusting person has trusted someone). Feminism indeed but I'm not going there; 'yahoo for women!' I'd exalt (pun ever so slightly intended). And lastly, unless all means have been exhausted, there will always be another way. Distasteful, a weakness, unethical, immoral, borderline murderous(?) -- no matter what -- it will always be an option. 

Raise your index finger and thumb, hold em out like forming the letter 'L', lightly touch the tip of your index finger on your temple and stare at yourself in the mirror. Realize that every decision made may or may not be the bullet in your game of Russian Roulette of life. You got the gun, and it's your call to squeeze that trigger. How's it gonna be?

-x-

[deewasjazz-blog]

November the Inevitable

I was fine the entire day.  I was pleased to have installed better and more powerful speakers (ah, that bass!). Spent a good chunk of my afternoon reading articles for work then a lull hung over the air. Sure, some repressed ones often find their way out of the dank cellar in my thoughts but November just amplifies it. The longest 30 days of the year shall commence. -x- If November is such a miserable month for me, I thought I might use all of it writing something each day, something similar to a letter that I'd never send. I've a feeling I'll be writing more letters to just one person. -x- [11 1 2325 26 234 1 55 14 30] We were driving north at a comfortable speed of 100ish and the roads were free of those morons we always hated, a few near-misses when you cut into their lane after overtaking. We were mischievous twenty-something-year-old kids who thought the highways belonged to us. Once we both stuck our hands out the window and flipped the bird at that Fortuner at the same time like we rehearsed it. In your horrible singing voice (yet you still managed to sing me to sleep on those stubborn sleep-eluded days), you sang Glass Skin when it came on. It wasn't something you'd play when you were behind the wheel, it was mostly house or techno because "house and techno go well together with driving". So I spaced out looking out the window and I kept nudging me when you hit those high notes. Or so I thought.  "You know I can't sing high notes, I'm making an effort here," you said. I was trying to keep a straight face while I told you you still can't compare to Kyo's vocal range even if he's your god. And I jokingly added, "I won't go, idiot. You're driving." After a round of giggles and a bit of silence, you randomly muttered 'good coz Imma keep it that way.' Sometimes I wish you hadn't said anything. Or that I hadn't caught that and let out an out-of-reflex 'hmm?' But that started everything which became my everything.