Thought This Shit Was Over

TW: EDNOS DNI IF IN RECOVERY HW: 210lbs/LW: 123lbs CW: 188lbs GW: 115lbs 5’4”

[defensivescarecrows]

Introductory

Hey.

I wish I could say it’s nice to be back. It’s really not.

Truth is I don’t want this. I never did. I didn’t want this when I started sucking in my stomach in fifth grade. I didn’t want this when I started a harmless “diet” by the age of 13. But here I am. 21 years old and still in the endless cycle. I wonder if it’s similar to an abusive relationship in which it takes an average of 7 tries to leave for good.

I don’t remember the first time I skipped a meal.

I don’t remember the first time I purged.

I don’t remember the first time I hit a goal weight.

I was too young when this started to remember. It’s been too long.

I just had a baby. I hadn’t slipped up my entire pregnancy. I gained a lot of weight, but I kept telling myself it was for the baby.

Now she’s here and for a while I thought “I’m strong enough.”

I’m not strong enough. If that were true I wouldn’t be writing this. I wouldn’t be getting sucked back into this hell of a cycle for the fifth fucking time in 8 years. I know the harm this will cause to my body but I DON’T CARE because I need the fucking control.

I don’t want this. But here I am, so I might as well say hello.

[defensivescarecrows]

I went to the dentist yesterday.

They referred me to an orthodontic specialist and an oral surgeon. They want me to have my wisdom teeth removed and there is a chance I could need braces (for a second time in my life) to pull an impacted tooth down.

The ONLY plus side is I will have a solid excuse to not eat things for a good 1-3 years ☠️

[defensivescarecrows]

My eating schedule goes as follows:

Dinner every night. Usually ending around 800cal.

ONLY dinner on most week days.

Limited to 300 cal worth of snacks (including drinks) on weekdays.

No snacks on weekends.

Breakfast only once one weekdays, only if feeling weak.

3 meals on Saturday, kept as low cal as possible. Usually ending at no more than 1,700cal.

2 meals on Sunday, kept as low cal as possible. Usually ending at no more than 1,200cal.

I have to eat meals on the weekends to curb suspicion from my boyfriend.

I intentionally forget my bank card so I can’t use vending machines at work.

I hope to drop lower eventually but it’s a start!

[defensivescarecrows]

This morning I ate plain toast (80cal) with one egg (60cal.) I am making chicken thighs (boneless and skinless, baked. 2 are 180cal,) and a cup of cooked white rice (200cal) with bell pepper (30cal) and a side of mac and cheese (1/2 cup, 250cal.) for dinner tonight.

My hope is that I don’t finish my dinner. It’s going to be a big portion, however if I do finish it I won’t be disappointed in myself ending my day at 770cal. Stay safe, get some food in your bellies if you can 🖤

[defensivescarecrows]

Ya’ll I came SO CLOSE to binging last night (boyfriend wanted to buy cheesy bread to go with the pizza I made but I said ~no~ after a lot of internal arguing.) and cheesy bread is one of my weaknesses. It ALWAYSSS leads to a major binge.

I’m so proud of myself for saying no!

[defensivescarecrows]

I want people to worry about me.

I want people to look at me and think “she’s lost a lot of weight recently.”

I want them to say “wow, how did you lose so much so fast?”

I want my boyfriend to be able to easily pick me up again.

I want him to pay attention to what I eat again, I want him to worry (but at the same time I don’t.)

I would love for my mom to call me her “skinny mini” again.

I want people at work to notice how thin I’ve gotten.

I want to step on the scale without feeling dreadful.

I want to see the bones in my hands again.

I want to see my hip bones again.

I want my thin and defined face back, I want to be able to see my dimples when I smile again.

I want so many things, and I control the rate at which I get those things. Thats what this is all about, right? Control.

[defensivescarecrows]

Gonna go ahead and add up todays calories so I’m less likely to go over.

Today I have eaten 5 strawberries, with a little sugar, I wont lie (30cal,) and I will be making crescent roll dough cheese pizza for my boyfriend and I (615cal for my half.) could be lower if I used tortillas but I don’t have any at the moment so I’m working with what I do have.

If all goes well and I don’t ~fucking binge~ then I will be at 645cal for the day. Overall pretty happy with this plan. Be safe guys 🖤

[defensivescarecrows]

Really want to have pizza for dinner someone tell me no (or drop a low cal option plz)

[defensivescarecrows]

Nothing like watching Supersize VS. Superskinny while eating five (5) strawberries as a meal amirite?

[defensivescarecrows]

I can’t wait for Monday when I can restrict again.

Restriction over the weekend is hard because I’m home with my boyfriend and he notices when I don’t eat. So I pretend to eat at work every week day, but don’t actually eat much at all to make up for it 🙃

Send help.

[defensivescarecrows]

Yesterday was thanksgiving.

I don’t think I went over 1,300cal but I’m not down for calculating it. I’m thinking of it as a metabolism boost day. Today I will be doing another liquid fast, and I have an emergency snack stashed in multiple locations since my last attempt at fasting was a bust.

I hope everyone had a decent thanksgiving 🖤

[defensivescarecrows]

I started my fast last night at 8:30PM.

I ended my fast at 8:00PM tonight, 30 minutes shy of 24hrs, and 13 hours earlier than I had hoped. I had Ramen after almost passing out. It’s been a long time since my last fast, I may have been a little ambitious in trying one so early on into my relapse.

Today I had about 400cal and a LOT of coffee.

Stay safe and learn from my mistakes guys 🖤

[defensivescarecrows]

Had to break my fast due to almost passing out in front of my boyfriend. How’s your Thanksgiving Eve going?

[incrediblythin]

Reblog if you started worrying about your weight before you were fourteen.

[defensivescarecrows]

I’m going to end up drinking my weight in coffee today aren’t I?

[defensivescarecrows]

Today I ate a side salad (150cal) at work. The tomatoes were gross and I’ll never look at tomatoes the same again. I had rotisserie chicken (without skin,) rolls, potatoes, and green beans for dinner which was very filling (540cal)

Overall very satisfied with my 690cal for the day.

[defensivescarecrows]

So I calculated the calories I’ll consume in my moms thanksgiving dinner alone, including deserts, and it is 930cal.

I’m not sure what the food situation is for my boyfriends family but hopefully I can avoid eating too much, if not I will fast the day after thanksgiving instead of just the day before.

I hope everyone has a good, non stressful thanksgiving. Please remember you deserve to eat and enjoy the day 🖤