2025 WRAPPED
We're done 2 weeks of a new year already and I'm mentally still in 2025. Lot of things happened. I mean A LOT. And one of them actually brought me to a state where I think I'm not doing so great right now, being the main reason of my entry.
At first, the year started really well with me had my second visit to Japan. Tokyo in Feb was really fantastic. Although it was a very short trip, thankfully the memories we brought back to Malaysia were really special. Able to appreciate the beauty of Mt Fuji, truly mesmerizing. Many regrets left behind but that definitely a reason for me to go there again in the future.
Then my life progressed to the last stage of being a houseman. The days in emergency department were physically tiring but they were wonderfully executed with good friends that I have. The fact that I almost failed the posting made it more memorable and painful in some way. After that posting, I actually went to another trip oversea, to Yunnan. One of the uprising and popular Province in China among Malaysians, rich with cultures and nature's beauty. Definitely worth every penny we spent. Took A LOT of pictures, ate a lot of scrumptious food, experienced a new level of being a tourist in a country with minimum number of English speakers. Overall, I actually can see why Yunnan is becoming more popular now.
When the holiday over, it was the time I converted the title from being a houseman to a medical officer. It was never easy, lots of mistakes and moments I sound so stupid and incompetent. Made me think, why in the first place I wanted to become a doctor. Why I chose to be in this position where I'm always tired, in doubt of myself, lack of sleep, never smart enough, and still unable to slim down my weight despite all the hardships. 4 months as floating MO was difficult.
Then in Mid of November I decided to return to Osaka, to experience the autumn for the first time in my whole life. The decision was last minute and impromptu. Initially I wanted to go to Edinburgh however, given the limited leave days granted, not a wise decision to just go, take a 13 hours flight to Edinburgh and spend only 1-2 days max there. Not worth it. Hence, to Osaka I went and I never regret it. Went there as solo traveler, I felt really safe. Able to go places confidently, that was something to be proud of. As of today, I begin to think that maybe in the future I just can do that again. But I made a mistake of wrongly booked a date for Universal Studio. I was so surprised that I just felt like a bang to my chest. But overall the trip was fun, the maple leaves were really pretty. I loved the colors of autumn so much. Totally my vibe.
Then came to the time where I need to be transferred to Selayang. Oh yes, I did requested to be here. Again, why did I do that. My life really full of regrets once a while and when it happens, you never able to repair that. I mean, that's why it was called regret isn't? Honestly, the process of transfer was not that excruciating, but to adapt in the new environment is the main problem. Still figuring how to make new friends, how to reach that closeness similar when I was in JB. I actually think it was a delusional wish.
The main key point of this long entry has to be this. My beloved father has succumbed to death on late December. If I able to recall the day I received the text from my younger sister that my father is not breathing with no pulse, it will be a long day to complete this. That morning actually I woke up quite early and just finished short conversations with Maira. Then I did my laundry, planning to sleep again. When I read the message, saying that my father collapsed and there's no pulse, my heart breaks into I dont know how many tiny pieces. If we can divide the heart into 2, which my heart left with 1 when my mom passed away, the other side was almost crumbled like a tsunami. I cried and called every one 1 of my family members I got left. The day goes on with me going back to Johor immediately. I drove the fastest I can, but time felt like it never pass. The pain made it into each of my cells until it make me feel like I died in each seconds and revive the next, and the vicious cycle repeated.
When I reached to the mosque, I became that bawling zombie which everyone too scared to approach. Cant blame them. My previous experience taught me that they also dont know what to say. They know nothing can comfort me. The last time I saw my father was 3 days before, we sent him to IJN to see the cardiothoracic surgeon. I tried to be the best version of a daughter at that time, but that day I was postcall and I feel drained so much that I unable to talk to him. Compared to the last time I saw him, on the day he passed away, my father no longer breathing, he just lay down without single movement, no signs of life. I would say he able to get his peaceful sleep after a long time. Compared to the last time I shook his hand, it was firm grip but I can feel his warmth, this time his whole body has hardened and became so cold. He would hate that extreme cold. I no longer can hear his voice, him calling me 'kakak'. No more his smile whenever we bid farewell. My world stops again. Everything feels, sound and became so dark. I still cannot believe I lost both of my parents.
Just like the time with my mom, there were actually signs. Given the condition when he was admitted to KPJ, we knew he would never be as healthy as before. My siblings knew that I'm aware of his condition would not get better. I just tried to grant his wish to be in IJN. I thought I knew. But his sudden death never crossed in my mind. And God loves him more.
His passes made me think all of the 'last time' moments a lot. The last trip in Melaka in July. He was so adamant to go for a trip as we two sisters were at home at that time. And he knew I wont have much free time once I became a MO. He suggested to go to a beach but I refused saying that it will take so much time to go there. Hence we went to Bandar Hilir. The days spent there were like a normal trip we usually experienced with him. But we actually spent quite close moments together. We ate the Asam Pedas which he loves, we went to Menara Taming Sari which was the first time he rode. It also was a short trip but thankfully we went there. I hope he felt happy at least a bit. Before this, the previous trip we went together was in Pulau Redang. Now no more trip with Abah.
The last meals I cook for him was during his short stay in Selayang. I think the reason why he wanted to go IJN mainly because I was here. He wanted to see my rented house, how I was living. He knew I was struggling as MO. Because I literally cried in front of him and took an MC for being tired. I wish I took him to hospital at that time. Around that time his condition deteriorated, unable to sleep, coughing a lot, keep having nightmares. But I did asked him whether he wanted to get checked but he refused. I should just grab him and drive him right? I was so busy with my work but I forgot my responsibility as daughter. I failed as human and also as doctor. I realized I wasn't made to be a doctor anyway. That was the last time I cried in front of him, previously I cried when I got my SPM result and the latest one was during the day my mom passed away. Hence, he knew I was struggling so much at that time, so he unable to say that he is not okay. I know he loves me A LOT but I unable to reciprocate his love.
He said he knows that I used to be alone since I was a child. He knows I struggled a lot to be here. When my mom still here, I used to rant on my life to her, and my father knew that fact. Now that she's no longer here, I have no one else. Being a strict father, he knew he unable to beat the level of care my mom has shown during her lifetime, so he just monitored me silently, from afar. The fact that he allowed me to go to Osaka by my own, is actually a sign. A sign that he believes in me. A sign where he can let me go by myself. Maybe he overestimated me?
Before this, I romanticized of me living alone. Now that I'm actually alone made me think, is this God's sign that not everything you want actually good for you. I was so stupid thinking that I actually can bare this kind of life.
There's so much things I didn't know about him. There's too many secrets he bear alone. The way we discovered these secrets after his's passes, made me feels so confused. Either way, I could never hate him. No matter how strict he was, how quite he was, how much more unresolved secrets he held, we would never hate him. That is just how our family works until now, we never say we love each other. We just knew and we accept this. I hope Abah knows I love him. I love my parents so much, now I misses them and only prayer can be conveyed. Hopefully we will meet again in syurga Allah. Terima kasih Allah sebabkan pinjamkan Mama dgn Abah.
