Everyting About Nothing

I am Everything in Christ and Nothing in myself.

[defygravity2011-blog]

Budget hairstyle...diy #diy#photoafaysep#fatmumslim#vscocam

[defygravity2011-blog]

I was priest to get my Kiss Me I'm a Senior button as a undergrad. #statussymbol #umd#collegepark#button#photoadaysep#fatmuslim#vscocam

[defygravity2011-blog]

Stripes. #photooftheday #stripes#vscocam#nailart #fatmumslim

[defygravity2011-blog]

In my cup...half full of opportunity. #vscocam #fatmumslim #photooftheday #whatsinyourcup

[defygravity2011-blog]

I walk in deception like a worn pair of shoes, hoping that one day I will reach you.

Traveling

[franinconverse]

FINALLY… A Mainstream Journalist Speaks Truth on the Trayvon Martin Travesty!

[defygravity2011-blog]

God Answers Prayers

I know God answers prayers so I would just pray and believe that He would come through. Lately, it has been evident that He has been hearing me because when I pray for something He makes things happen. Not to mention I don't feel like I deserve this first class treatment. 

A few weeks ago I acknowledge to God that I was not motivated to look for a another job. I work in retail, but have the potential and skill to do other things. Besides, I dislike customer service with a passion. I like people, I just don't like serving people in that capacity for various reasons I will not bore you with at this moment. 

I would say about a week later, my most gracious mother told me I had to move out by March of next year because she felt like she was handicapping me. 'Handicapping', I am not handicapped and had more problems with her saying this than her telling me I needed to move out. I want to move out, just didn't have the funds to do so. I also know that I am well capable of taking care of myself. So what was the problem?

There was no never a problem. Her words did sting, but all the applications I was procrastinating I got to it. My motivation, she thinks I'm handicap, I'll show her! After completing my SF86 for a job that I have been sitting on for close to a year and applying to a couple of positions. I finally got an interview last week, which is good for couple of reasons.

First, I did all this within a week so I know I am capable of moving when I need to. Like I said I was sitting on that SF86 for several months, with 85% of it done. How's that for procrastination. Second, I was also able to find a roommate which didn't take me a lot of looking. Really, all I did was share with people that I needed to move out and one of my friends told me they were looking for a roommate. A match made in heaven from my point of view. 

I was stuck on the word 'handicap' for a while because it bothered me. Told everyone I knew, my dad, friends, and family. I even tried to talk to her about it, but all I could get from her was being compared to her at my age. Finally, someone encouraged me that it was good that I saw the truth in what she said and didn't hold on to the actual words. Her words motivated me to apply myself. Then, in a conversation with my Godmother today, I saw that God answered my prayers!

I prayed for motivation and it didn't come in a happy package. That package was ugly and I didn't want it (no offense to Jesus). I didn't see it at the time as God answering my prayers. I was hoping for something like you know, a sudden urge coming upon me to be motivated. Actually, that is exactly what happened. It just happened after my mother threw out the word handicap. Although I see her words as negative, it is what I needed at the time to be motivated. 

I did my interview to be an educational aide on Thursday and they told me it was going to take 3-5 business days for me to find out. I prayed for something to help me with the anxiety business waiting to hear back from a job you really want for 3-5 business days seems long. I found out today that I am going into the recommended pool, which is the next step for getting the job. From here I just have to find the school that matches up with my preferences and their needs, so I basically got the job. Thank you Lord!

[defygravity2011-blog]

I am seriously falling in love.

[defygravity2011-blog]

Diligence Rules!!

[defygravity2011-blog]

Amazing Happenings

Last year around this time, I felt like the scum of the earth. No really, if you look at my post from a year ago, they are probably depressing.Well, it's a new day and opportunities I have been praying about are coming to me. Now that's something to be thankful for! Praise God!

[defygravity2011-blog]

Lovely Song

"We're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again"

Just Give Me a Reason by Pink.

[defygravity2011-blog]

Be Amazing

Do great things!

[defygravity2011-blog]

The Birthday Goal: By July 14 (my Birthday!), my goal of raising $2,400 would be used to support the 2013 – 2014 Brooklyn Steppers programming, including the Brooklyn Steppers Marching Band, the 2014 Battle of the Drumline and the Music Creation Project at P.S. 316.Your birthday love gift from your heart of $24 or more (...

The Brooklyn Steppers Fundraiser: Gerly's 24th Birthday Love Gift | Gerly Adrien's Fundraiser on CrowdRise

[defygravity2011-blog]

Marriage Again??

When I find out that people I went to High School with are getting married or anybody under the age of 25, I'm happy for them, but then I feel bad for them at the same time. 

I don't think it's a loss of freedom, I have just been told that nothing can prepare you for it. What kind of situation is such that you can not prepare for it? I'll just take my newlywed sisters advance and wait as long as possible. Until then, I'll work on being the best version of myself. 

[defygravity2011-blog]

Me and My Long Time Friend

I befriended Fear because I saw him sitting alone. Just like me, we both were sitting alone. And I looked at his pitiful face and felt bad. I looked at the dirt marks from not being able to wash his face. He sat on the red seesaw at the playground, with all the kids around playing tag, I saw him sitting by himself and he looked at me. He looked straight into my eyes and I saw sadness. So I sat on the other side of the seesaw and we have been friends ever since. For life we have been friends.

Sometimes I tell him, I think there is something better for me, but he assures me that I can trust no one. He assures me that I just might get hurt and don’t want that. He reminded me of the last time I had a relationship with Hurt and assured me that's not what I want. So me and Fear just hang out together. looking at other people who do what we want to do. No they aren't superstars, so we talk about their flaws. Me and Fear we like to spend time talking about other’s short comings.

I never told Fear this, but I have a longing. I don’t tell him because he won’t understand. I have this feeling inside me that feels there is something better. But I can’t talk to Fear about this, last time I talked to Fear about this he shot me down. I see other people growing and having fun. I see other people happy, but all me and Fear do is hang around Envy and Negativity all day. I think I liked dealing with Hurt better because at least I was going somewhere. I make a decision in my mind because I feel there is more, but I’m so afraid, I’m so afraid.

[defygravity2011-blog]

Growing Pains

Uggggghhhhh! 

Last night I was thinking over some situations and was about to feed into my dark cloud monologue..."You don't have a car yet, you are so lame, you can't do anything right, you made that mistake, you're so naive, what were you thinking when you did that....";then, I remembered I'm maturing. 

My thoughts did not directly connect to my feelings. In the past I made a habit of entertaining them when I felt frustrated and uncertain about actions that needed to be taken. Instead of indulging in a pity party, I decided to think about the facts. 

In this case, I was so angry that I couldn't even process my thoughts. I have been angry about this situation among other things, including things I am clueless about for a while. I had to come to the conclusion last night that I am flat out angry. After doing a little research about anger I came to the conclusion that I take myself too seriously. 

After that, I was able to process the situation clearly and actually understand the other persons perspective without having a discussion with them about it. From there I could make rational decisions. 

Maturing is not an easy process. My way of thinking gets challenge while my emotions are raging. My feelings only indicate my perspective and are only true in that context, however they are not an indicator of reality. Knowing this has helped me to avoid saying or doing things out of my emotions. 

[defygravity2011-blog]

Dark Cloud

I have dark clouds that follow me. When I think about my mistakes and ways I fail at loving my family and friends, there is a inner dialogue that plays in my head. It's like a prerecorded tape with a long list of all my failures and reasons why I'm not good enough. Lately, I have not been entertaining those thoughts. Even though I'm not where I want to be, I am on the right path. 

For a long time, I didn't agree with the notion of having no regrets. In my mind I'm thinking why would I want to go through certain rough situations again. They cost me time, energy, even my dignity. I was stuck here for a while saying with my new mind and new perspective I would not want to do those things again and I think that is where I was missing it. 

Of course knowledge and experience helps me to grow and mature, however, the point of no regrets is accepting me for who I am. I made those decision because I thought they were the best decisions at the time. I have no regrets because making mistakes has made me smarter. Furthermore, my failures have shown me exactly who I am.

If it wasn't for the hard situations I went through last year, I would still be in pride defining myself through my actions, my achievements, and my physical possessions (relationships, things, etc). When it comes to romantic relationships, I would still think I am invincible and that no man could ever get me to compromise myself. I  learned to let go of my illusion of who i think I am and to stop trying to defend that illusion. 

The bottom line is acceptance. I choose to accept my emotions, my choices, my past, my position in life, which means I choose to accept all parts of me. The more I do this, the more the dark clouds fade away-still there, but not as prominent as they were before.