Gabriel's Transition

#GenderlessWolf #MyNameIsGabriel #NewYorker This is my transition blog where I document things that occur in my daily life. Strongly considering putting all this together one day and make it a memoir.

[dekustory]

1873 days on T

Now that I’ve somewhat settled into my new job and have a stable set schedule, I can get back to updating this. It’s a good a time as any as the holidays are coming up and as trans person would know, it’s a LOT.

When I mean a lot, it’s a lot of feelings. Feelings of NOT having to spend all the holidays on my own for once because in the past I either had no one special in my life or my family spent the holidays misgendering me at every turn. I vaguely remember the time, when I was 2 months on T, my mom telling me to shave the little facial hair I had that was growing under my chin because my uncle was coming over.

But now that I’m dating a wonderful person, it’s all changed.  Not to mention that my parents feel a way now that I’ve told them that I’m not spending the holidays with them. Sooner or later, they must have known this day was going to come where I will meet someone special and want to spend my time with them. They’re inviting me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas along with some cutesy couple stuff - it’s so different. I mean we’re talking about me: the person who would never be let out to hang with other kids during my formative childhood years. The person who, as a result of not being social, spent my time mostly on the computer, going nuts over anime shows and playing video games. On top of all this, this will be the first holiday season in 3 years I will not be working in retail where I was expected to work while everyone else had off. Whether or not this is a good change remains to be seen. I’m currently cautiously optimistic.

[dekustory]

1857 days on T

Wow, it’s been a hot minute. I can’t really catch up on everything but sit back, have some bubble tea because there’s a lot of essentials to unpack.

First off, I just accepted a new job and I am working on my last week at Target. I’ve been here for the past 3 years working my way up and learned so many things, leadership skills and all. Ultimately, my heart isn’t into retail and I can no longer go to work without having headaches every time I get near my job or sacrifice my mental health. Not to mention that I’ve been doing nothing but working, doing fitness and sleeping. After 3 years and my recent performance review, it was time to move on to bigger and better things.

So around April, I started casually looking for new jobs. Nothing crazy or anything, I was just shopping around to see what was out there. I didn’t even go on any interviews! I tried asking my uncle if he had connections but nothing became of that. I would be on Indeed every minute I could care to spare, trying to diversify my search and see if anything would pop up. Again, it was a casual thing.

It wasn’t until my birthday in mid-June that I started to kick the job search into high gear. I was passed over for a promotion and, my salty feelings aside, I was more determined than ever to find a new job and get out. I have a wonderful partner that I can really see myself with long-term and we had plans to have our own place and I needed to make more money.

I had to find something.

July, August and September passed by without much incident (just everything falling into routine). In that timeframe, I’ve applied to approximately 98 jobs and had only 3 interviews. It was hard out there but I made progress anyways - I updated my bachelor’s degree with my new name so that I won’t have any issues if I accept a job offer that required it.

October is when the job search got interesting. I had 2 interviews this month - for jobs I really wanted as it would impact the trans/gnc community. I had to make it work with my inconsistent work schedule but I came into both interviews looking all spiffy and charming, showcasing my knowledge and what I could bring to the table. They seemed very impressed and I had good feelings about it, having brought my list of references in when they asked for it. I didn’t hear anything back until a reference informed me that they were contacted and others told me the same story. Not even 24 hours had passed when I got the call during work hours and was verbally offered the job!

I’m really excited (and scared) for what this new job will bring as it’s going to be different from what I’ve been doing at Target. But with a new job, a loving partner and a renewed resolve, I plan to make my mark on this world and I’m committed to learning. With this new job, I will hopefully have more time to update you all more regularly on my life adventures. Thank you for your support. <3

[dekustory]

1643 days on T

I’m now 4.5 years on testosterone. *throws confetti everywhere*

Really need to keep up with this blog because it’s basically where I keep track of everything, Hell, there’s so many past events that I’ve written about that I can barely remember now. So much has happened since my last update but I’ll try and keep it brief.

Been keeping this hush hush from social media but I am off the market. *cough* finally *cough cough* I have been seeing someone for a while and have started to date them not long afterwards. As you may remember after my last relationship, I’ve been keeping to myself working third shifts, just focusing on making new friends (with moderate success) and repairing old ones. I didn’t think it would happen to me, I guess.

I wasn’t really looking for anything serious but I did have my eyes wandering as to what was out there. I was casually checking out OKCupid; I was shocked at how much likes and messages I got without engaging in anything. I guess having a beard and being more masculine presenting had something to do with this.

After looking through and (ocassionally) responding to some messages, I ran across my partner’s message. It was cute, adorable and caught my eye and so I responded. Our schedules weren’t really matching up but we made it work and planned our first date. Mind you, being the introvert that I was, my brain was automatically trying to talk me out of going out. My brain wanted me to stay home.

After forcing myself to go out and meet this person, I’m glad that I didn’t listen to my brain. Even now, my brain still can’t fathom that I’m in a relationship with someone.

Like WHAT? Someone wants to be with me?

Brain cannot compute, y’all.

[dekustory]

1598 days on T

My mental health notwithstanding, I decided that it would be best to continue keep talking about my journey because it was beneficial for me and anyone else who stumbles upon my blog. And my journey hasn’t been written out in quite some time. So let’s catch up, shall we?

I still work at my job, although in a new position, which I have established a somewhat comfortable routine in. It’s definitely forced me out of my comfort zone -- what with being an introvert and reserved person by nature. I can’t change that about myself but I can certainly build up an army of coping mechanisms in my mental toolbox. Which I’ve had to do considering that I’m no longer insured under Medicaid because I now make too much to be eligible and have to stop seeing my therapist until I get insured again. It’s been a fun holiday season for sure, haha. /sarcasm

But I’ve recently come to the terms that I’m not just an introvert - I’m a highly sensitive person who feels and reacts strongly to my environment and the people around me. While this can be great when you need to be empathetic towards others or understand what’s going on around me, it can be downright crippling in other aspects of my life and I get tired easily as a result and have to retreat into my room or drown myself in my favorite hobbies. I can detect even the slightest change in a person’s feelings - when someone gets anxious, I get anxious. When that person is sad, I get sad and I can’t just shut it off. Headphones are a must-have when I go outside my living space anywhere - even the simple task of going to buy groceries at a store because the noise level is high. And when you add taking your testosterone shots late into that mix, depression, anxiety and negativity come to pay me a visit and wreck havoc on my life. I have to create to let it all out or else it overflows out of me - working out hasn’t been effective anymore and I need to find a new outlet.

This is probably a jumbled mess of a post and I’m sorry. I hope typing it all out like this makes sense in some way or another. I need to get it together somehow.

[dekustory]

1466 days on T

Hey friends, I have returned. And I’m now 4 years on testosterone as of October 8th! I haven’t been posting or filming much videos and I’d like to apologize for that because I’ve been so good with keeping up with both.

Until I started working graveyard shifts at my job.

I tried to maintain a work-life balance with all this but with how physically taxing my job was, I couldn’t do it. Every moment I could spare to film or write was automatically used to catch up on sleep. Sleep that I couldn’t get enough of no matter what. But that’s all behind us now because I got a small promotion at work which allows me to work during the day again! After adjusting back to my regular schedule, I hope I can catch you all up on what I’ve been up to in the past several months.

[dekustory]

he bud, im trans but i have already had my name changed. but im starting to regret the name i chose be causes i solely chose it to please other people. now im second guessing ? what would you recommend i do?

I legally changed my name twice and you may have to do the same. I wouldn’t rush into it but I did that simply because I was in a rush to change my name so I can apply to jobs without the weirdness.

[dekustory]

Your chest looks wonderful, if my chest looks anything like yours after surgery I will be over the moon :)

Awww thank you! :D

[dekustory]

Why are your nips all lopsided and multicolored and asymmetrical? I hope ur surgeon gave u a discount for that mess. Have u sought out legal advice?

Lol fuck off.

[dekustory]

I though this would be a good opportunity for me to impart some wisdom (and positivity) to others like me, whether you're just starting out in your transition or simply need some encouragement. Stay strong, friends.

[dekustory]

1263 days on T

I’m so sorry for not updating in a very long time but my computer wasn’t working (I just had it fixed and finally found the time to set it up again) and I’m also working night shift so the only time I’m near a computer is on my days off. Like tonight. So have a cup of joe and let’s try and catch up, shall we?

Work has more or less taken over my life - and not for the better either. I’ve been feeling rather unhappy because life since the holiday season has become so routine that my gym time doesn’t even help as much as it used to. I remember how I started working out because it helped me collect my thoughts and sort through my feelings. It was a constructive time I used for myself while I pumped out rep for rep with the weights.

I quickly came to realize the reason I’m so depressed: I don’t allow time to pursue my creativity, which has be unused since I started working long hours at my job. Which makes alot of sense considering I feel accomplished when I create something, whether it is writing a new blog entry on here or editing a new YouTube video. I ultimately don’t make time for these things, which have been affecting me negatively. Now all I seem to do everyday is wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home from work, eat something, hit the gym, shower and then head to bed only for the cycle to repeat itself. I used to make videos at least once every 2 weeks but now it’s not even that often - my creativity has been completely stifled and I feel like that’s the main cause of my depression and feeling like life passed me by. I’ll be 26 in a few months and I work a physical retail job that doesn’t make a lot of money to live in New York City. It helps that my best friend (who I broke up with many moons ago) works at the same time I do so every once in a while we can hang out and do things that don’t involve work all the time. Speaking of which,w e are working towards our old friendship little by little, which is a nice silver lining I suppose.

I have no idea how I would have managed without this friendship during the night shift life because being socially isolated working the opposite schedule than the rest of the world has been mentally deteriorating. So much so that I started to see a therapist again to work out my issues that started to crop up more often than I can imagine and be able to maintain some sanity. They have been a blessing in disguise because they are trans-friendly and have been respecting my pronouns and everything. The only downside is that the sessions are only 30 minutes long, which doesn’t seem like much.

While working on my mental health, bad luck seemed to have surfaced this year. My phone flew out of my hand while running up the stairs (my mom was calling me) in the train station and it fell onto the tracks. While I scrambled to get help from an employee, it was gone by the time I came back with help; someone must have snatched it from the tracks and ran off with it. I ended up cancelling my service and buying a new replacement device, which cost a pretty penny. And after having gotten over that, my computer went off the deep end last week when I was trying to print out my documents to file my tax return and had to get it repaired. I spent extra money just so my data can be restored because I had important photos that cannot be replaced along with my video files.

So far, 2018 sucks and I hope I will be writing more on here.

[dekustory]

Hey fam, it's been a while. Time to play some catch up on how my chest has been doing along with what I use for post-op care.

[dekustory]

Sorry for the delay, work has taken over my life but I managed to squeeze in a really quick chest update video for you all.

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Haven't been on YouTube in a good minute but I'm here to talk about my breakup, work and what's been keeping me depressed.

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Do u like someone???????

Not sure to be honest. I'm open to a relationship though.

[dekustory]

1125 days on T

I haven’t really updated here in a good while and I’m very sorry for that but I’ve been going through so much recently and finally got time to sit down and write about it.

For those that follow me on Instagram (@neutralwolf) will know that me and my ex are no longer together and it’s a big reason why I haven’t been 100% there to make new videos. After some difficult weeks and uncomfortable conversations, we decided to remain best friends and that was the end of that. As great it is to get my friend back, it was very hard in the beginning when I went to bed at night alone with my thoughts thinking “who the fuck am I? Is something wrong with me?” as to why the entire relationship ended. It wasn’t as heartbreaking as you would think because surprisingly - I feel a lot less alone being single than I ever did in the relationship. So many people reached out and I made new friends with people I wouldn’t have made and I am very thankful for that.

Putting the relationship behind me, I went to the barber yesterday and just told them to chop my hair off. I felt like I needed a change and I decided that my hair was the one that needed it.

On top of that, I have resumed my job and since the holiday season is around the corner, I am working long hours. My hours when I came back have been quite low (22-23 hours a week) that I forced myself to working graveyard shifts to get almost 40 hours every week because I need the money after being out for so long after top surgery.

Speaking of top surgery, I’m now 3 months post-op! My scars aren’t as stretched as I thought they would be after putting in work at the gym 6 times a week but, thanks to the scar care, the scar lines are starting to blur. I still feel weird twitches and there are times that they are super sensitive when I am at work and the cardboard boxes I handle rub against my chest, making it hurt.

Things are getting better and I will make videos hopefully this week when time permits but for now, I am getting my shit together again and relearning how to be independent.

[dekustory]

I Have Been Following You For While On Social Media And I Can Home Say I Am Proud Of How Far You Have Come 💕💕

OMG THANK YOU 🙈

[dekustory]

I mean you don't need us to say this bc it would be fine if they weren't even, my chest isn't even and I haven't had surgery. But your scars/nipple placement/chest look even and really precisely done to me. I think nonny is just looking for a reaction.

Most likely. *shrugs*