The Deleted Emails of Hillary Clinton

GET THE BOOK: Amazon Barnes & Noble iBooks IndieBound ATTENTION! You are about to read documents that the United States government does not want you to read. Enclosed in this dossier, brought to you by Wikiloox, are e-mails to and from Hillary Clinton during her tenure as Secretary of State, sent and received through an account that ordinary people were never supposed to find out about. ps. This is a parody account.

[deletedemails]

“I had no idea what my direct office # was since I didn’t call myself”

[deletedemails]

You must forward this letter!

May 20, 2011

TO: (names hidden)

FROM: Joe Biden

Subject: You must forward this letter!

THIS IS NOT A JOKE!

IF YOU FORWARD THIS MESSAGE ON TO TEN OF YOUR FRIENDS BY MIDNIGHT TOMORROW YOU WILL HAVE GREAT SUCCESS! WEALTH! LOVE! POWER! HAPPINESS!!!

IF YOU DON’T FORWARD IT, TERRIBLE THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU!

THIS HAS BEEN INVESTIGATED BY SCIENCE AND IT IS TRUE!

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey guys, it’s Joe. This sounded crazy but I thought what the heck. 

TO: (names hidden)

FROM: George W. Bush

RE: You must forward this letter!

The evidence on this doesn’t seem to really all be there but I’ll go ahead and charge ahead with it anyway.

Message forwarded. Mission accomplished.

TO: (names hidden)

FROM: Dick Cheney

RE: You must forward this letter!

Dammit, Biden! Stop using the official vice-presidential computers for this kind of junk! By the way, I’m not still hiding in the vice-presidential bunker but just don’t come in here ever, okay? I mean there. Don’t come in there.

TO: (names hidden)

FROM: John McCain

RE: You must forward this letter!

This thing is for real, folks. I didn’t forward it when I got it back in ‘08 and I ended up losing an election to a guy with the middle name Hussein.

TO: (names hidden)

FROM: Mitt Romney

RE: You must forward this letter!

Sounds neat! I’ll do it!

Wait, is this witchcraft?

TO: (names hidden)

FROM: HRC

RE: You must forward this letter!

Would everyone please stop hitting Reply All on this stupid thing?

TO: (names hidden)

FROM: Sarah Palin

RE: You must forward this letter!

How do you Reply All on an e-mail?

TO: (names hidden)

FROM: HRC

RE: You must forward this letter!

You just di — oh, never mind.

[deletedemails]

Note to Self—18 million cracks

April 20, 2011

TO: HRC

FROM: HRC

Subject: Note to Self —18 million cracks

Concession speech given in 2008 race referenced 18 million cracks in glass ceiling. 18 million voters who helped me almost ALMOST bust up the highest, hardest glass ceiling and send a woman to the White House for reasons other than marriage. People really responded to that 18 million cracks line.

Might be good to use best lines earlier in a campaign instead of after campaign is dead.

But how to leverage success of the 18 million cracks idea in possible future campaign?

- Hillary Cracks. Everyone who supports campaign gets a nickname. They’re “Cracks.” “Come celebrate our Iowa victory with your fellow Cracks.”

- Give people a miniature cracked ceiling for donating.

- Construct intricate cracked ceiling canopy for all speaking appearances (danger of glass shards raining down on audience, cutting them severely?).

- Fund-raiser where if you donate you get to take a whack at a piece of reinforced Plexiglas to try to crack it. Risk: could be dangerous if it cracks, depressing if it does not.

- Give out free jagged glass shards to donors as a thank-you gift. Illegal to send through mail though?

- Soft-edged glass pieces to rain down from ceiling at convention when I’m the nominee? Might be terrifying.

Keep thinking, Hillary.

HRC

[deletedemails]

The Deleted E-Mails of Hillary Clinton are here.

Finally, the portrait we need — the one our country deserves — of the woman we may soon call “Madam President.”   

Read a sneak peek below and get it now:

Amazon Barnes & Noble iBooks IndieBound

A sneak peek:

April 10, 2012

TO: HRC

FROM: Huma Abedin

Subject: Passing this along...

Got a request from the Boy Scouts for your cookie recipe. Some kind of Mother’s Day feature they’re doing for their magazine.

TO: Huma Abedin

FROM: HRC

RE: Passing this along...

Cookie recipe? From the Secretary of State of the United States of America? Of all the things they could ask me about, they want to know about my cookie recipe? Let’s send ‘em this one. See how they like it.

1 cup flour

2 cups patriarchy (smashed, ground up)

1 cup resentment for being an intelligent, powerful woman

2 1/2 tbsp I’m the Secretary of State, trying to navigate a bloody civil war in Syria and establish a relationship with China that preserves trade and pushes for improved human rights, and you’re seriously asking me for a damn COOKIE RECIPE

3 fl oz. having to work twice as hard as men in similar positions because of how many people within the vast right-wing conspiracy want me to fail

1/2 cup chocolate chips

Put in oven.

Take out of oven, throw it all away, and get back to work.

HRC

[deletedemails]

Something fun

November 10, 2010

TO: HRC

FROM: Huma Abedin

Subject: Something fun

Hi,

You might have noticed something unusual in your office this morning. Some lobbyists for the video game industry dropped off a new Xbox 360 and the game Call of Duty: Black Ops. It’s supposed to be a really great game although pretty violent.

Anyway, if you need to blow off some steam, give it a go.

TO: Huma Abedin

FROM: HRC

Subject: Something fun

Thanks. I’m sure any game like this is beyond my capabilities. The last game I played with any real concentration was Ms. Pac-Man but I ultimately got frustrated with how she felt a need to wear lipstick and I worried the ghosts didn’t take her seriously.

I doubt I’ll get to this one.

                                                       ★ ★ ★

November 11, 2010

TO: Secretary Robert Gates

FROM: HRC

Subject: Be prepared

Bob,

I’ve been playing this video game called Call of Duty: Black Ops all night. As a result, the game is starting to feel like reality and all the elements of the actual world we live in have begun to fall away. And now I’m worried about you.

You see, there’s part of the game where Nazi zombies have invaded the Pentagon and you have to defeat them playing as either JFK, Nixon, Castro, or Robert McNamara. I know it sounds crazy, but you wouldn’t believe how realistic this thing is. Anyway, watch out for Nazis, okay, Bob?

HRC

TO: HRC

FROM: Secretary Robert Gates

Subject: Be prepared

Okay. I’ll be on the lookout for Nazi zombies.

Thanks.

                                                       ★ ★ ★

November 14, 2010

TO: Barack Obama

FROM: HRC

Subject: Cuba

So I’ve been playing Call of Duty: Black Ops for a few days now and it is FANTASTIC. The excitement! The action! The weapons! I LOVE THIS GAME!

There’s this part of it where you battle Nazi zombies at the Pentagon and you can play as Fidel Castro. I’ve been doing that for several hours today and it’s really made me feel better about him. Like it’s not even his country but he’s there fighting the Nazi zombies anyway.

My point is: maybe we should discreetly work toward normalizing relations with Cuba. The Cold War and the Cuban Missile Crisis were a long time ago.

I think I’m going to set things in motion so that in, oh, I don’t know, 2015, we could have an opening of the borders and get things to a better place. And when that happens, no one will know that this was all because of CALL OF DUTY: BLACK OPS, THE GREATEST GAME IN THE WORLD.

HRC

                                                       ★ ★ ★

November 15, 2010

TO: HRC

FROM: Huma Abedin

Subject: Xbox

I’ve taken the Xbox away and the game as well.

Confidentially, the staff has become uncomfortable with how much time you were spending playing it. The sounds of explosions were distracting and upsetting. It also bothered people to have the Secretary of State yelling, “DIE! DIE! DIE, YOU NAZI SCUM!,” especially when there were visitors in the building.

I can get you some Sudoku books if you like.

Huma 

Read more: http://deletedemails.tumblr.com/book

[deletedemails]

Gefiltegate: A genius ploy to distract the public from the real stuff. 

We will release another e-mail tomorrow. Stay tuned.

[washingtonpost]

Where are we on this?

[deletedemails]

Fun question

February 18, 2010

TO: The Fun Four

FROM: HRC

Subject: Fun question

Ladies,

I was on one of my interminable international flights recently, and I had read all my prep materials and watched every movie on the plane. I watched Purple Rain, Under the Cherry Moon, Graffiti Bridge, everything. One of my staffers lent me some DVDs of a program called Sex and the City. Have you seen it? It’s pretty fun and it’s about four friends! Like us! Except they don’t have to be secretive and they’re not very ambitious.

It made me think about which of the characters we each are in our own group. I think I’m the Carrie of the group. I have an ongoing, sometimes challenging relationship with the central man in my life. And just as Carrie wrote a lot about New York, I had a lot written ABOUT me when I was the Senator from New York.

Which character do you think you are?

Hills

TO: The Fun Four

FROM: Gwyneth

RE: Fun question

I was actually up for a part on that show but I didn’t get hired because they said I was too “esoteric” and didn’t look like I had ever “eaten food.” So I’ve always resented it and haven’t watched it.

I had Lunchtime Nanny stay late yesterday and offer me her opinion on this subject. She says that I am most like Charlotte. I assume that Charlotte is just an average mom with an average number of millions of dollars who lives in a series of average homes and is married to an average rock superstar and who makes an average number of superhero movies.

Gwynnie

TO: The Fun Four

FROM: Oprah

RE: Fun question

What kind of bubble are you ladies living in that you haven’t seen SATC? I had time to watch it even when I was running a broadcast and publishing empire. Helps that I haven’t slept since 1982, but still.

I am definitely the Miranda of the group. Career comes first, no patience for anyone trying to tie me down.

Seriously, I need to host another show. What do people without shows do? I’ve written three operas and a whole series of sexy novels under the pseudonym “E.L. James.” I’ve learned four languages. How do you fill the hours in the day?

So if I’m Miranda, Hillary is Carrie, and Gwyneth is Charlotte, that makes Beyoncé...Samantha? That doesn’t make sense. Beyoncé, you’re not a Samantha, are you?

O

TO: The Fun Four

FROM: Beyoncé

RE: Fun question

I AM NOT SAMANTHA. I AM SHIVA. I AM THE DESTROYER AND THE TRANSFORMER. I AM LIMITLESS, TRANSCENDENT, FORMLESS, AND ETERNAL. I WEAR FIVE SNAKES AND A GARLAND OF SKULLS AS ORNAMENTATION. 

I HAVE WATCHED THE SHOW A FEW TIMES.

OPWYNBELARY.

OPWYNBELARY.

OPWYNBELARY.

BEY

TO: The Fun Four

FROM: HRC

RE: Fun question

Hm. Beyoncé, I don’t *think* that Shiva is one of the four main characters on that show?

TO: The Fun Four

FROM: Beyoncé

RE: Fun question

I AM NOT BOUND BY TELEVISION SCRIPTS.

OUR NEXT GATHERING SHALL BE IN MY UNDERSEA FORTRESS. MY ROBOTS WILL COME FOR YOU WHEN IT IS TIME. ALL WILL BE KNOWN ALL WILL BE KNOWN ALL WILL BE KNOWN.

BRING BOARD GAMES.

OPWYNBEYLARY

BEYONCE

[deletedemails]

Pantsuit Update

March 8, 2009

TO: HRC

FROM: Huma Abedin

Subject: Update

Madam Secretary,

I have very exciting news about our pantsuit situation. Lance of Cleveland has agreed to come aboard as our new Senior Pantsuit Consultant, pending your approval, of course. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you about Lance of Cleveland’s stellar reputation and his preeminence as the most famous and critically acclaimed pantsuit designer in the business. He is the biggest name in all of Cleveland, which, as we all know, is the pantsuit capital of the world.

Lance has already sent over some sketches he would like to see you wear on upcoming trips. As I’m hoping you’ll agree, these pantsuits are practical, discrete, sincere, in short, they are magnificent.

“Peacock of Freedom”

“Liberty Is on the Catwalk”

“The Star-Spangled Stunner”

If you like them, the only thing left to set is his pay rate.

TO: Huma Abedin

FROM: HRC

RE: Update

Pay it. Pay him what he wants.

This is excellent.

With the right pantsuits, a person can achieve anything. That is not just what I believe, it is needlepointed on a sampler I keep atop my dresser. As to whether I also have this as a tattoo, I cannot discuss that.

Thank you.

HRC

[deletedemails]

Important work to be done

February 23, 2009

TO: Secretary Clinton, Secretary Gates, Secretary Salazar, Secretary Locke, Secretary Shinseki, Secretary Chu, Secretary Napolitano, Secretary Geithner, Secretary Solis, Secretary Vilsack, Secretary Sebelius, Secretary LaHood, Secretary Donovan

FROM: Barack Obama

Subject: Important work to be done

Hello everyone,

I just wanted to say how delighted I am that you are a part of my administration. Together, we will make America a better place and help the hard-working people of this great nation to improve their lives. It’s important work.

With that in mind, I have a very important message for all you secretaries:

Okay, you crazy kooks. Catch you later.

Barack

TO: Barack Obama

FROM: HRC

RE: Important work to be done

Dear Mr. President,

Your attempt at humor is actually quite insulting, especially to Secretary Sebelius, Secretary Solis, Secretary Napolitano, and me. We are women of great professional accomplishment, entrusted by you and confirmed by Congress to lead major departments in the U.S. government.

Your attempt at humor, however, is mired in a Mad Men-era psychology of women being subservient to their male bosses. You should know that the modern administrative assistant or executive assistant no longer fetches coffee for anyone.

So I would appreciate no further mockery of gendered stereotypes or our positions as members of this administration.

Hillary Clinton

Secretary of State

TO: HRC

FROM: Barack Obama

RE: Important work to be done

Madam Secretary,

I sincerely apologize for my earlier e-mail. Though it was written in jest, it was insensitive and unfair as well as degrading to women. I am in the process of calling all the esteemed members of the cabinet on that e-mail to verbally express my regret and remorse for sending such a message.

It won’t happen again.

Barack

TO: Barack Obama

FROM: HRC

RE: Important work to be done

I GOT YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I burned you so bad! You totally bought it that I was all mad at you! SUCKAAAAAA!

HRC

TO: HRC

FROM: Barack Obama

RE: Important work to be done

Oh my God. You did. You totally got me. Hook, line, and sinker.

I’m gonna get you back, Hillary, just you wait.

TO: Barack Obama

FROM: HRC

RE: Important work to be done

Plenty of time for that after I defeat you four years from now.

TO: HRC

FROM: Barack Obama

RE: Important work to be done

What?

TO: Barack Obama

FROM: HRC

RE: Important work to be done

Kidding again! Ha ha!

Never mind.

H

Read more: http://deletedemails.tumblr.com/book

[deletedemails]

Joe Biden Releases Both E-mails Written While Vice-President - The New Yorker

Biden took pride in announcing that he had sent both messages from his official government e-mail address, adding, “I have nothing to hide.”

An update from The Deleted E-Mails of Joe Biden.

[hillaryisaboss]

[deletedemails]

Water-skiing

May 12, 2009

 TO: HRC

FROM: Bill

Subject: Water-skiing

Oh hey. Long time no talk and all that.

Listen, I thought it would be fun for you and me to grab a few friends, rent a boat, fill up a cooler with Bud Lights, and hit the lake for some water-skiing. Just cut loose, you know? Make a weekend of it.

Or Jet Skis. We could do Jet Skis. Go out, get drunk, get stupid, have fun. You in?

 Bill

May 12, 2009

TO: Bill

FROM: HRC

RE: Water-skiing

 I have to work.

I am the Secretary of State.

Other reasons I couldn’t do this: I don’t “get drunk” or “get stupid”, I don’t water-ski, I am not in a position where I can be seen cutting loose, there are no friends I could think of who I would want to spend a weekend with, Jet Skis are horrible for the environment, and the whole trip just sounds awful.

Hillary

May 12, 2009

TO: HRC

FROM: Bill

RE: Water-skiing

Honey, I know. I was just joking around.

It’s cool with you if I go, though, right?

DiCaprio is gonna be there. Some of the guys from Bon Jovi. Andre Agassi, maybe. It’s gonna be awesome. Joe Walsh might stop by.

Proud of you,

Bill

Read more: http://deletedemails.tumblr.com/book

[washingtonpost]

[deletedemails]

-HRC on Barack Obama’s not one, but two-term presidency

[deletedemails]

One of the regular “e-mails” “released” to the “public” by the State Department with “confidential information” redacted. 

Read on for the real stuff. Read on for freedom.

[deletedemails]

New e-mail address

[deletedemails]

wikiloox:

March 31, 2009

TO: The Fun Four

FROM: HRC

Subject: New e-mail address

Hi Ladies!

Just wanted to let everyone know to use this address only going forward. Nothing against my official government e-mail or my several dozen other private e-mail addresses set up as decoys, but this is the one we should use to really chat between the four of us.

That way, no one will suspect our plot to seize global power and rule as a four-headed tyrant. Ha ha! Just kidding. That is a total overstatement.

Wouldn’t it be fun, though? 

Hillary

Oprah 

Gwyneth 

and Beyonce 

They could call us Hilwynbeyprah. Kind of catchy.

Anyways, the real reason I’m writing is to say we need to have another girls’ weekend! Beyonce, you did such a great job hosting in the secret underground caverns beneath your Hamptons estate last time. And Gwynnie, the yurt castle in Nepal you used the time before was top notch. I would volunteer to host but I am just so busy with the new job and everything, along with trying to solve my pantsuit crisis. Opes, you up for hosting?

H

TO: The Fun Four      

FROM: Oprah

RE: New e-mail address

First, totally agree about world domination. Not something we should be daydreaming about constantly at this point in time. Would be a total headache. For the moment.

I was actually thinking Opwynbeylary instead of Hilwynbeyprah. Catchier.

Secondly, sure I’m up for hosting! Chicago is a total pain for traffic so I was thinking maybe my ice fortress in Greenland? It’s still completely isolated and does not appear on charts. And it has a runway now.

Oprah

TO: The Fun Four      

FROM: Gwyneth

RE: New e-mail address

Sounds fun! And great news about the runway. I remember last time having to skydive in there while loaded down with a variety of body creams, salves, and all-natural accoutrements. Made landing difficult, especially on ice. I sprained my ankle but was fortunately able to heal it based on some advice I had given myself.

Agree: Overthrowing governments as Opwynbeylary is unworkable. For now.

 Gwynnie

TO: The Fun Four      

FROM: Beyonce

RE: New e-mail address

 MY DEAR FRIENDS,

OPWYNBEYLARY.

OPWYNBEYLARY.

OPWYNBEYLARY.

 ALL SHALL BE ONE. ONE SHALL BE ALL. THE ROOSTER WILL CROW. THE CROW WILL ROOST.

OPWYNBEYLARY.

 BEY

[deletedemails]

It being fine

January 20, 2009

TO: Barack

FROM: HRC

Subject: It being fine

 Barack,

Tomorrow we begin a new journey together. You, as President of the United States and me, as Secretary of State, which is a different job entirely. I just want you to know that I am honored to serve under you and have you as my boss.

It’s fine.

Certainly, we fought hard against each other through a protracted primary process, one which became rather bitter and testy at times, but that is all in the past. Now I’m ready to serve in this other job while you serve as President and live in the White House.

I will live somewhere else. And that is fine with me. I can live a lot of other places. That’s no big deal.

It’s fine.

I am eager to get started in my new role and excited to do my part to help establish peace and harmony between the United States and other nations, just as I’ve been eager to establish peace and harmony between you, the President, and me, just the Secretary of State.

 I’m totally okay.

HRC

 P.S. I may use this e-mail account from time to time. That’s okay, right?

January 20, 2009

TO: HRC

FROM: Barack

RE: It being fine

Madam Secretary,

Thank you for your note of encouragement and I’m perfectly fine with you using a personal e-mail account. I mean, who cares, right? I don’t think anyone would really get upset about it even if they found out.

Besides, this way we can exchange information about the secret inner workings of power. Talking about stuff like Area 51, who killed JFK, and our secret plan to personally break into people’s homes and steal their guns. Kidding! We’ll hire people to break into the homes. Kidding again! Seriously, though, I’m excited to find out about UFOs. And Bigfoots. Bigfeet?

Actually, come to think of it, I’m not sure you get to know all those things. Maybe it’s just a President thing. Bill probably knew about it when he was President. And I’ll find out because I’ll be President. But you might not find out ever at all. Since you’re not President.

Again, really looking forward to what we can do together!

Barack