Miwaliwa @delicatekoalawonderland - Tumblr Blog

Part 1 /Part2/ Part3 / Part4/Part 5.1/Part 5.2

In which you're presented with a dilemma... will you risk not just your livelihood but also your friends' or will you take the offer the spider is giving you...? Is it even a real choice when both the options are equally horrific...?

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Fem presenting gender neutral reader x Dr. Stockill

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TW: stalking, psychological and emotional manipulation, infanitilzation of subordinate, JALAPEÑO LEVEL SPICINESS, NUDITY, betrayal, lies. (If there's more later I'll add them)

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Part 5.1:

Repotting...

“Where were you...?” Jolie’s voice said as you closed the door behind you. She was sitting in the mattress you shared, her riot of silvery hair falling about her, making her look like a fairy in all the hay. Both her questioning and her ethereal presence made you speechless and you closed your mouth, sighing. “I asked-” ”I know you did...” you said softly, finally answering.”I know you asked me where I was, I heard you the first time... I-I can’t tell you…”

You fidgeted with your hands, the violet pin hidden within them. Stockill had come back an hour later, finding you snuggled up in his bed, fast asleep, looking so peaceful... He spied your cravat against your cheek and the pin in your left hand, which rested on his pillow. He had picked you up in his arms and sat down against his cushions, rocking you gently and kissing you softly to wake you up.

“Hello, little one...” he whispered, caressing your cheek and kissing you again. “You liked that pin, hm?”

You blinked your eyes open at his kisses and voice, and groggily nodded, smiling sleepily, making him smile back. “It’s so pretty... I didn’t know you liked violets; they are so fragrant, and you-you like soft scents...” you whispered softly, stiffling a yawn.

“I... have a special place in my heart for violets, pet. It’s hard to explain but at one time they were important to my mother, so... I keep them close to keep her close in spirit when she’s not around. She likes to visit Aunt Augusta a lot, you see, and I’m quite used to having her presence around due to her duties in the asylum... As such, I keep a violet near by to remind me of her...” he whispered back, kissing your face softly, caressing your hair, the braid sloppy.

You smiled, resting your head on his shoulder as you listened to him, admiring the pin with a sort of reverence, as if it was a very important artifact. He gently took it from you and pinned it to your shift, right above your heart, pressing it softly against you. His hand lingered there for a moment too long, making you shiver again, and then he leaned down to kiss you.

Slowly but surely you responded, and before long you picked up where you have left off as if Anthony hadn’t interrupted you. As you kissed one of his hands travelled to the hem of your shift and started to snake under it, caressing your thigh softly, making you mewl into the kiss, almost whimpering at his touch, craving more. You were better prepared this time and you gladly let him caress you, turning to straddle his legs yet again. He chuckled, letting you move and pushing his other hand under your shift, caressing both your thighs, round them to cup your ass behind you, making you break the kiss involuntarily. You didn’t know what had happened, but your body reacted and your back arched gently as you gasped, gripping his shoulders. You had never been touched there, not like this, and all the built up energy in you finally found a bit of release in that solitary gesture…

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

“Hello...?” Jolie’s voice brought you back to the present, your cheeks hot as they had flushed as your memory wandered.

“Ah! S-sorry,” you said, fidgeting again, pressing the brooch to your chest. “I was at Stockill’s o-office, he wanted to try a new chemical and kept me all night under observation…”

Jolie frowned a bit. “I see no puncture…” she said softly, looking at your arms.

“Oh! No, yeah… Uhm, it was oral. A liquid, tasted so… bitter, like almonds?” you said, walking up to the silver haired woman and sitting down next to her.

“What’s that in your hand?” she asked, pointing at the pin, making you blush again.

“A c-cravat pin… I saw it on the table and I nicked it. I’ll probably get punished for it, but look at it. They’re violets, aren’t they adorable?” you said, finally relaxing and showing the little amethyst flowers to her. “They’re so delicate and quaint…”

Jolie tilted her head and took the pin, admiring it in the soft, autumnal sun rays. “Yes, it’s quite pretty. You shouldn’t have done that, darling. You could get all of us in trouble. I should tell Sir Edward to go put it back, alright?”

“No!” you said, suddenly snatching the pin from her soft hand and curling up around it, grabbing it so hard in your own hand you felt the edges of the crystals cut in your flesh. “I mean… please… I really like it, and he didn’t realize it was missing. He’s so rich he probably has a dime a dozen of these lying about… Please… If you hear someone talk about it then I will do as you say, but please Captain… let me keep it…”

Jolie raised and eyebrow at your reaction, cupping your cheek, but then sighing and nodding. “Fine… Just, don’t let anyone else see it, keep it safe, and-and… keep yourself safe, too…”

“Jolie? What’s wrong?” you said softly, pushing hair off her face and peering up at her. “Why are you crying…?”

Crystaline tears rolled down the pale cheeks as the woman covered her mouth, trying not to sob too loud so as not to wake the rest of them up. She shook her head, then took a deep steadying breath and looked at you with pained eyes.

“Tall Sarah… is gone…” she whispered, but then covered your mouth to prevent your horrified scream from leaving your lips. “Shh shh, don’t. It’s alright! She-she’s not dead! She’s gone from the ward, taken… I woke up at midnight to see where you were and she was missing as well, door wide opened. I don’t know how she did it, but she did it. I woke everyone up and was about to file them out when-when Anthony came hurriedly and told us that Tall Sarah had started a riot in Ward B. Apparently she had been filing her spoons to make sharp points and she distributed them amongst the people of Ward B. How she got the key nobody knows and the rats won’t say…”

She sniffled and took another deep breath, letting go of you and curling into your arms, holding onto you as she shuddered.

“They took her to quarantine and Anthony says she will probably end up in Ward B itself for what she did…” she sobbed softly, wetting the front of your fresh shift.

“And the others…? Ward B inmates, I mean…” you whispered, soothing her hair softly.

“They were beaten up and left without food, just water… Oh, darling, what is going to happen to everyone! I’m very sure the doctor will try and question all of us to see if we know anything. Did he mention anything while you were there??” she said, looking up at you with her striking blue eyes.

You swallowed hard and frowned as you shook your head. “H-He had to leave for a bit, but he came back an hour later to continue with his experiment, said nothing to me then…” you said, a black rock sinking your insides as you lied to your Captain, your beloved Captain, which whom you shared your darkest secrets.

It felt like the worst betrayal ever lying to her, but she had shown to you that she wouldn’t understand what was happening between Stockill and you. And yet, at the back of your head, that little voice kept saying she was right and to run away from this… Yet you couldn’t, how could you? He was so sweet and attentive and- you shook your head and kissed Jolie’s forehead softly, letting her go.

“You didn’t sleep at all, did you? Come, lay down, I’ll be here for you, Jolie. Go to sleep…” you said, sitting comfortably in the mattress and letting her lay her head on your lap. “It’s alright, I promise… I’ll keep watch.”

Jolie gave a shuddering sigh and nodded, laying her head on your legs, holding your hand gently in hers. “Thank you, darling… thank you…”

You smiled down at her and continued to caress her hair softly, humming for her. Your heart ached as it was torn in two directions, but you couldn’t help feeling how you felt… ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’ you heard one time… but was this really what your heart wanted…? You frowned as your memory wandered again, listening to Jolie’s soft snores as she finally fell asleep. Of course this was what your heart wanted, but your heart also wanted your friends safe… Maybe you could speak to Sto-Montmorency about this, intercede for Tall Sarah…? After all, the woman wasn’t all there, and even though this had required quite a bit of planning, starting a mutiny in Ward B was the worst idea ever… it just wasn’t a feesable plan. Yes, you would frame it like that… let the doctor realise she never meant any real harm… yes…

Your mind continued to wander, your heart beating a bit faster as your memories of last night overcame you again...

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

You had gasped again, shivering as you knelt down on his legs, panting softly, shaking like a leaf, flushed scarlet red, eyes glassy. What had happened...?

“Don’t tell me you-?” Stockill said softly, cocking an eyebrow and cupping your cheek. “Pet, can you hear me...? Did you... climax?”

Your head shot up to look at him so fast you almost fainted, but you shook it emphatically and covered your face. “I-I didn’t! I’m so confused, I know how it feels and this wasn’t it! I just... it felt so good... I’m not sure what happened, I’m sorry, Montmorency, I-!” you said fast, so fast it came out as more squeaks than words, but Stockill took your hands and uncovered your face to kiss you deeply, pinning your hands above your head and kneeling up, making you fall against the mattress again.

You gasped into the kiss and then moaned as his leg found you again. You pressed against him and he smiled as he broke the kiss, wanting to see your face.

“Oh...?” he whispered softly, looking down at his leg and then up at you. “Needy...?”

“M-Montmorency!!” you gasped, blushing again, pouting at his chuckles. “It’s not funny!”

“I apologise, seeing you squirm is a bit funny, and adorable... I want to eat you... But not today, my Pet. It’s late, and I have work tomorrow. Let’s sleep, you can go back to your cell early tomorrow...” he said, gently pulling his knee again and kissing your pout. “No pouting, little one, you have to behave or I will punish you... severely...”

You shuddered at the way he pronounced the last word. It felt chilly, but you were sure he was just playing, he’d never hurt you right...? But, yes, sleep sounded nice, even if the other option was nicer.

Rubbing your eyes, you stood up so he could fix his now messy bed and change into his pyjamas, which surprised you as they were a pair of pants and a buttoned up shirt, both made of soft high quality flannel with dark blue pin stripes down both pieces. On the breast pocket was his monogram, which now you recognised as it was the same as your little silver case. He pulled on his house robe and slipped plush slippers on his feet, then turned to you, his disheveled hair making him look so attractive in the light of the hearth’s fire.

“Here, wear this little one... that shift needs washing, I’ll have a fresh one for you tomorrow... take your stockings off as well...” he ordered, albeit in a soft way, as he gave you a nightgown.

You recognised it as probably his and blushed, but nodded. Turning, you unbuttoned your shift and slowly pulled it up and off your body, neatly folding it and putting it on a chair. Covering up with your arms, you turned to get the nightgown, but he pulled it again and wagged a long index before you.

”Do not cover yourself up in front of me. I forbid it...” he said, brows knitted. “You are mine and I have a right to everything about you, remember...?”

He almost purred the last words, but there was an edge to them, as if “no” wasn’t an acceptable answer... ever. You swallowed but nodded, dropping your arms to your sides, making his brows relax.

“Good pet...” he said, walking up to you. He reached his long, cold fingers towards you and touched your collarbones again, gently tracing them. He then let them gently fall towards your chest, continuing to trace your skin, making you bite your lower lip, rubbing your index and thumb together anxiously. “So smooth…”

His words made you blush as much as his touch and you cleared your throat. “M-Montmorency... it’s cold...” you whispered, shivering a bit. It wasn’t a complete lie, but if he continued to survey you you thought you would finally pass out from all the blushing and anxiety and excitement... and a smidgen of fear.

He blinked, his fingers very close to your nipple, and he nodded. “Of course...” he said, a slight annoyance in his voice as he handed you the nightgown. “Here, let me do it...” He helped you put it on, then buttoned it up to your collarbones, leaving them bare, as well as your neck, making one of the shoulders fall to the side, revealing a bit more skin. “Perfect,” he said, softly pulling you close. “Let’s sleep...” You nodded, letting out a soft sigh of both of relief and disappointment. Why were you so goddamned scared of his advances?! You loved him, didn’t you?! Then why-?!

“Pet?” you heard him far away from you, noticing he was already sitting in bed. Hurriedly you walked up to him and were pulled towards his chest as he laid back, covering both of you in warm blankets. “Alright... I hope you have a nice sleep, little one... Till tomorrow...”

“T-till tomorrow,” you answered back, snuggling into his arms, your head on his chest as he held you close.

Warm and safe… you had never slept this good in all your years in the asylum… and maybe even before that. You felt cozy and comfortable there in the doctor’s bed, tucked in his arms… what would possibly go wrong…?

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

“She’s still in quarantine, gentle people,” Sir Edward said, Basil nodding. “We took her a blanket and an old shift sand made sure she got the food you sent her… We will make it so that she receives hay little by little to have a more comfortable bed down there as well… She’s in solitary confinement, isolated from the other inmates in quarantine… Poor thing.” You opened your eyes and sat up slowly, rubbing them. The Fall sun was fully in your cell, streaming through the bars. The wall was nice for keeping the wind out, but the sun streamed in a bit less than before… Oh well, sacrifices, you thought.

Jolie was next to you, toying with your silver case and looked around at you as she felt you move.

“So much for keeping watch, darling,” she said with a chuckle. “It’s quite alright, we were hugging when I woke up so you are forgiven...”

You giggled softly and hugged her from behind, resting your chin on her shoulder, looking at the rats “Are you talking about Tall Sarah?”

Basil nodded again and sneezed into a small kerchief Valentine had made for him. You reached down and let the rat sit on your hand, bringing him up for a kiss on his little head. “Come here to stay warm, dearie. The heater is on, but I know you’re dreadful cold all the time…” you said softly, holding him close. “Thank you so much for helping Tall Sarah out… I’m sure we could ration our food to help keep a steady flow to her, poor darling will need it…”

Basil nodded and looked at Sir Edward, who nodded as well. “That seems like an excellent plan, my child,” he said, giving you what you could only describe as a smile. “You stay there, Basil, I will go give new instructions to the scouting group and oversee another mission. Stay safe, my children…”

The huge rat bowed at them and scurried away towards the wall, jumping and climbing out of the window’s bars.

You chuckled at how adorable he looked and gently tucked Basil in his little pillow case that you made with your old blanket, pitching a sort of tent for him, with half a cookie you found in your mattress. “Have some rest, my valiant rattie…” He squeaked happily and started to nibble his cookie, yawning from time to time till he fell over snoring, making you muffle a soft laugh.

“Well, someone sleeps like a rock,” Jolie whispered, resting her head on yours. “Darling…?” she added after a moment.

You looked up with a “hm?” and blinked innocently at her.

“Did you really go to get experimented on…? Please, tell me the truth, you just looked so… flustered, yes, yes just like right now! What’s making you blush so??” she said, holding your shoulders in her hands. “Jolie, it hurts,” you whined softly, trying to get away from her. “Please!” But she didn’t let go, shaking you a little. “You’re not going to his quarters are you?? Please, darling, please tell me you aren’t! Is he using you??”

“So just because I’m an inmate all he will do is use me?!” you snapped at her, finally annoyed at her antics and her words. But just as your own fell out of your lips you gasped and covered your mouth. “Oh, Jolie, I’m so sorry. I just-you were so forceful, and I got scared-!”

The silver haired woman looked at you, gently releasing your shoulders and frowned, her brows knitted above her blue eyes, flashing with both anguish and anger.

“You are in love with him aren’t you?” she accused through gritted teeth, her accent more prominent. “Are you not??”

Her voice was demanding an answer you couldn’t give, not to her… she wouldn’t understand… your heart ached as you looked down at your hands, resolution setting in your heart. If she was going to pressure your likes this she didn’t deserve the truth anyway! How dare she treat your like this when you had a shot at happiness in this hellish place?? So what if it was Stockill?? It’s not like anyone else but him and her had shown you any kindness, and inmates being kind to each other was a tenet from the Society anyways! So it didn’t really count. Showing your anger yourself, you stood up, looking down at her.

“How dare you speak to me like this and accuse me of such things?? If you’re going to treat me this way… I think it’s best if we sleep separate. It’s almost time for our daily outside time, once we’re back I don’t want you on my mattress…” you said icily, turning on your heel. “Take your blanket as well, I don’t need it…”

A sepulchral silence permeated the cell as you walked away from Jolie, wrapping your shawl around and fixing your slippers, standing by the door to wait for Anthony to let you out. The woman looked as you left her side, tears starting to roll down her cheek, all her own anger gone the second you showed yours. She just nodded, stood up, took her blanket gently so as not to disturb Basil, and walked slowly towards her own mattress, unused since the cold had gotten worse.

You didn’t dare look around, afraid your resolution would break if you saw Jolie’s face, but your heart was aching so bad you thought you would keel over from pain. You hated fighting in the cell, but you specially hated fighting with Jolie. She was your piece of paradise in that hellscape, the only one you could trust. But it seemed that the closer you got to Stockill, the less you could trust Jolie’s judgment… and you didn’t like that. Yet, she had to respect your autonomy, you were a grown person and you knew what you were doing… right? So why even bother you like this?? Maybe she was jealous! No, no, that couldn’t be. She had never shown you anything but filial affections, acting your elder sister as you two traversed this place trying to survive it. No, it had to be something else. Maybe her intuition wasn’t as flawless as everyone of you thought it was, maybe she read Stockill wrong because of how guarded he was. After all, each and every appointment all of you had ever had with him was private, no other inmate nor warden, nor chaser or maid for that matter, was ever present during these… So why should you believe it when they said he was horrible? Sure, medical procedures were horrible, but that wasn’t on the man, that was on the science! He had given you the creeps at first, but now? Your heart fluttered at the mere thought of him… Surely that could count for something??

Anthony opened the door and gasped seeing you standing there, making you giggle. “I’m sorry, Tony, I didn’t mean to spook you…”

“No need to apologise, it’s alrigh’… If you could please stay there while I let Maudsley guide the others outside, I have a message for you…” he said, frowning a bit.

You frowned as well, but pressed against the cell’s papered wall as you gave space for the others to walk out, ignoring Jolie as she walked by you, looking at you with red eyes. As they all left behind Maudsley, with a maid closing the line, Anthony turned to you and closed the door behind you, making you take a step back.

“No, no, I won’t ‘urt you, I promise!” he said instantly, raising his hands. “I do-I do need to warn you, dear, that this… thing you’re doing, it’s only gonna end up in tears…”

You blinked. Oh no, not him as well. “Tony, please, I don’t know what you’re talking about…” you said defensively, turning away from him. But suddenly you felt a pair of arms around you, holding you close and gently.

It was strange, this embrace was different from Stockill’s. Where the doctor’s was almost ironclad in all it’s gentleness, rendering you unable to squirm or move even a bit, Tony’s was soft giving you leeway to move about with ease, as if he only wanted to protect you and not make you stay in place. It was almost childish, but at the same time full of protection and… love? What-?

“Tony, please, look at me,” you said after the initial shock had worn off and you turned in his arms to look at him. “I’m perfectly safe and capable of protecting myself! See? I’m unscathed! I really don’t see what any of you mean. Sure, at first I was unsure, but… Tony, he’s so sweet. He never pressures me into anything, he’s always trying to keep me safe-” “’E made me put Tall Sarah in quarantine…” he said, resting his forehead on yours, looking eternally sad. “I can’t-I can’t support your decisions, not like this, ‘e is a bad man…”

You sighed, a bit exasperated. “You had to because that’s your job, Anthony… But also, Tall Sarah made a foolish decision. I will talk to him about it, though, I promise! She deserves to be pardoned, the poor darling…”

“Oh, you think you ‘ave the power to change ‘is mind?? Dear, you’re an inmate that he here ‘ere in this cell for ‘is amusement, a little rat in ‘is maze… Please, dear, stop this-this lunacy, and- No, no! Please, no! I didn’t mean it that way! Please dear, ‘ear me out, please!” You frowned angrily at him and squirmed to try and get out of his embrace. Lunacy?! It was bad enough everyone else in the staff called you crazy, but Anthony too?? That was too much! Snarling you tried to get away, but he pulled you close again and you both crashed onto the brick you all used to heat up your tea and toppled onto your mattress, Basil scurrying out his pillow case just in time.

“Tony!” you gasped, looking at him. “Are you alright?? Oh Gods, you’re heavy… Can you please-T-Tony, what-MM?!” As suddenly as you had all crashed down, he pressed his lips to yours, cupping your cheek softly. And again you noticed the difference between this kiss and Stockill’s: the doctor’s were demanding, where as Anthony’s was giving without expecting… and this made your heart jump.

What possessed you? You’d never know, but you pulled him closer and kissed him back, just as gently, just as softly, just as chastely. When you had been all passion and fire last night, right now you were twelve years old again and giving your first kiss to your eternal crush.

And then you broke it just as suddenly as he had started it.

“Tony, please, get off of me… I-I can’t breath!” you whined, and he instantly stood up, fixing his hair and helping you up as well. “I-I’m so sorry, dear! I don’t know what ‘appened, I just-” he started, his voice trailing off as his cheeks flushed. “Please forgive me…” You took a couple of deep breaths and shook your head, gently taking his hand. “It’s alright, Tony! I-I don’t why I did that either! But it’s alright, I promise, I’m not mad at you… Do you think-do you think I could stay here? I’m very dizzy, and I’m afraid I’ll faint if I go outside…”

“Of course! Of course, yes, I’ll tell Madame Mournington you feel unwell, maybe she will give you a tonic f-for your dizzy spell. I-I need to go back to my duties, dear. S-See you ‘round?” he said, unsure, bashful, trying to be polite.

You nodded, but just as he turned to leave, he turned back and hugged you close, pecking you softly again. “I ‘ad to… Because I don’t think I’ll ever get to do it again… Please promise me you will be careful…”

“I will, Tony, I promise…” you said softly, caressing his cheek and receiving another kiss, this time on your forehead, before he let go of you carefully and trotted to the door, closing it behind him as he exited towards the hallway.

You flopped back down on to the mattress, Basil, walking up to you. You gently held him in your hand and looked at him.

“Oh Bas, w-what just happened?? what am I gonna do?!” you whispered to him, laying on your side and nuzzling his little face. “I’m such a whore…”

“You never asked them kisses,” Basil finally said, patting your hair gently. “You might have reciprocated them but that really means nothing. Sir Edward taught us that humans sometimes react merely on instinct. So if someone you deem attractive kisses you, you’re inclined to kiss them back! It’s like when a fellow rat bites me, I react and bite back, but that doesn’t mean I hate them, it’s just what sometimes happens. Especially if you are attracted to the people who kiss you…”

“Bas, I’m not- Oh…” you said, gasping. So that’s what attraction was?? Was that what you had felt for Tony all these years?? You had never had time to go beyond a childish crush, so you were so unsure of what was going on… It was so strange, to say the least! If only you could talk to Jolie about this, but you were sure she wouldn’t be able to understand this either…

Tear pricked at your eyes and you let them fall as you longed for a mother, or even a father… someone you could speak to about these things. You felt so lost in this abyss of emotions and new sensations… it was ridiculous and terrifying, all at once… and you both hated and loved the joyride… you were so messed up in the head…

o-o-o-o-o-o

Watching Anthony leave the cell, Stockill growled under his breath. His suspicions were correct, you weren’t safe there. No, that was it, that was the last drop in an already overflowing cup. He had to get you out of there as fast as possible, somewhere safe where only he could be around you, monitor, keep you away from any prying eyes and touching hands. You were his, and only his, and you were just too delicate of a flower to be left in that planter of weeds. No, he had to re-pot you right now, nothing else could be said on the matter...

And he had the perfect pot to plant you in, the perfect place to hide you in so only he could admire your beauty and help you grow…

By the time the others were back from their outside time there was no trace of you left behind: no hay, no slippers, no spoons, no little silver case nor amethyst violets, not even Basil was anywhere to be seen… only dust and crumbs on the space that once had been yours and tears welling in Jolie’s eyes as she horrifically watched the empty space your presence left…

to be continued...

#tafwvg #the asylum for wayward victorian girls #dr stockill #fanfiction #YESSSOMG honestly winwin situation im taking Jolie if Y/N doesn’t want her. :)

Uhh..

@look-a-disappointment once mentioned the ghosts in the asylum and i kinda wanted to write about it so here it goes ig. idk if i will continue this tho.💔

It was over. The torment that had felt like an eternity, all the suffering, the pain, the despair, and the madness had ceased. Now, everyone was learning to live again, to process emotions knowing they wouldn't be punished for it, to rejoice and strive to make up for the lost years in confinement. For many, it came relatively easily; others were still haunted by the specters of the past. Literally. The Asylum was teeming with the ghosts of restless souls, forever bound to this damned place. They were usually former patients who, for reasons unclear to me, had decided to stay and occasionally whisper barely decipherable sentences. I had heard their whispers for a decade, felt and observed their presence—it had become commonplace. Although I see them significantly less often after the Tea Party Massacre, I can still catch a glimpse of transparent figures out of the corner of my eye in the dark corners of the Asylum, or at night in the corridor. Previously, their faces showed fear, sadness, and hatred, but now... I see peace in them. However, in all the short time we have been free, I haven't once seen Veronica. I understand why she didn't want to appear here anymore; I don't blame her for it. How could I? Yet, a part of me continues to search for her silhouette in the darkness, like a shadow escaping the daylight. Every time I hear another ghostly whisper, I involuntarily stop and peer into the dark, hoping to see her playful smile one more time—and to catch that very moment when she says, in a soft, confident voice, "I'm leaving tomorrow!" How many times have I caught myself desperately missing her songs, her gentle hands... even just her presence.

And now, when everything is getting better, just when it seems the ghosts have almost completely left us... I start to feel a terrifyingly familiar gaze upon me.

Every time I walk past the Head Physician’s quarters... the air around me seems to thicken, and the silence becomes almost palpable. This feeling intensified with every passage, and now I can’t shake the sensation of being watched. Someone who craves revenge... or just wants to remind me of themselves... Someone I know too well. An invisible shadow, deceptively light, leaving a chill in its wake and making me nervous. Even in death, he doesn't want to leave me alone. I won't bother trying to figure out why he continues to torment me even after he’s deceased . It’s pointless; his thoughts and actions were never clear to me, no matter how hard I tried to analyze him. Yet, one thing I know for sure—his presence bodes nothing good.

I want to believe that it's just my exhaustion, a side effect of everything I’ve been through. I shared this with the Captain and the other girls. I hinted gently, but they hadn't seen or felt anything of the sort. It seems as if I alone am condemned to endure his presence. When he was alive, Stockill spent far more time with me than even with his mother, whom he adored so much. I try to ignore it, I reassure myself, but the clingy presence of that villain gives me no peace.

The Captain merely nodded, listening to my vague complaints about the "heavy atmosphere" in the old wings. "We are all still recovering, dear. A lot has happened here. It will pass," she said, and in her tired but kind eyes, I saw only the wish that it truly would pass. The other girls looked at me with a measure of pity. As if I were the only one who couldn't let go of the past. They didn't understand that the past wouldn't let go of me.

And that was his most terrible revenge. Not the screams, not the beatings, not the confinement. He was driving me mad. Again. He knew that the fear of becoming the person they labeled us here—"a hysterical, unbalanced girl"—was worse than any pain. His presence was a silent, invisible gas attack aimed directly at my mind. I felt the boundaries between the "real" and the "experienced" thinning. For me, the war for freedom and sanity continued; I could find no comfort in company, or delicious food, or newly found freedom. I was still trapped in the cage of his damned attention.

I desperately try to reclaim a sense of reality. I am still keeping this diary. I talk to the Captain and the others. I hum the melody Veronica once sang to try and distract myself. However, the more time passes... the clearer and more distinct his shadow becomes. A couple of weeks ago, he was just a oppressive atmosphere, a residue that churned my stomach. But now... God, now... His appearance is horrific, just as horrific as his nature. Yes, being eaten alive by rats is a fate befitting him. His whole body and face are mutilated, as if everything was erased and eaten away, left without form. His skin is covered in bites; in some places, tendons and even bones are visible. Some parts of his body, like his ear, are now completely missing... I hope Sir Edward enjoyed his meal... And the smell... he is the only ghost in all ten years who has one. This aroma of almonds, so bitter and strange, makes me sick to my stomach. It's as if I am inhaling a dose of cyanide every day, and it refuses to stop; the scent grows sharper with each passing day, and his presence becomes more menacing. I don't understand what he wants from me. Will this ever end? Is this how all the horrors of a decade here are affecting me, or... am I truly as insane as they claimed i was.

#tafwvg #the asylum for wayward victorian girls #dr stockill #emily with a y

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