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Today's Document
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
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$LAYYYTER
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Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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@delilahprentiss
♡ about me ♡
hi, its lia, im 20 years old and brazilian 🇧🇷
im a chris girl but im obsessed with matt and nick as well
i dont actually know how to make friends in here lol i think im afraid to mess up bcs of the language but i love when people talk to me
i also love taylor swift, hozier, florence the machine, madison beer
LOVE sam & colby
and i love books so so much im always reading
i think thats it!!
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
slut
he needs to get into my pocket right fuckin now i can’t do ts anymore ☹️☹️
chris still gets excited over stuffed animals :(
my baby 🥹🥹🥹🥹
im gonna cry
he’s so cute🤭🤭🤭
my husband
BITCH WTF
PLEASE RAIL ME
LOOK AT HIS ARMS
im dead.
Quiet 8
P1 P2 P3 P4 P5 P6 P7
pairing: y/n and Matt sturniolo
summary: a girl with a lot of baggage and a boy with even more try to help put each others pieces back together one by one. A story about a girl who’s broken and a boy who doesn’t talk
warnings: none?
——————————————————————
I blinked my eyes open and realized how much my muscles hurt, my body was contorted in a way I wasn’t used to.
I lifted my head realizing that I was using Matt as a pillow. I sat up and blinked down, only to see he was fast asleep as well. His arms loosley wrapped around my waist.
I must have fallen asleep after we were done talking--rather, writing to each other. I couldn't help the smile that flew onto my face. He looked peaceful. His eyes closed, his lips parted and his glasses against his face.
I didn't want to wake him up, I didn't want to ruin his peace. I didn't know how often he got it. I felt his fingertips burn into my skin where they were placed. I swallowed and shook away the goosebumps.
Weird feeling.
I looked out my window to see the sun had set. The streetlamps shining through my window. I felt my phone buzz. I turned only to realize, it wasn't my phone. It was Matt's.
It buzzed and buzzed and buzzed.
I looked over at him. He hummed in his sleep and pulled me closer to him with his arms wrapped around me. My eyes widened and my face went red.
He was sleeping, it's not like he meant to pull me closer. Still, the goosebumps returned. My arms went up to rub them away again.
What the hell was this feeling?
My attention returned to the buzzing next to Matt. I looked down and reached over unlocking his phone before scanning the messages.
The many messages, from Chris and Nick. I sat up, pulling from Matt's embrace, my heart beating.
Chris
where the hell are you?
it's almost 5. Why aren’t you home?
are you hurt?
Matt, you're scaring us.
Matt. Answer.
My heart was beating through my ears as I scrolled onto Nick’s messages.
Nick
Chris is about to raise hellfire you better be safe.
God, Matt. Please be safe.
Answer.
Where are you??
I threw the blankets off me and it stirred Matt awake. He sat up and I looked over at him, handing him his phone quickly. He rubbed his eyes before he blinked down at his phone.
His eyes went wide once they focused on the phone. He quickly typed back and sent a message before he stared at the phone.
He sighed and set it down. I felt guilt swarm in my chest from how scared Chris and Nick must have been from Matt not answering. I looked down at my lap and closed my eyes.
Matt swallowed before he pushed off my covers and stood up off my bed. It almost felt like a one night stand. Minus the sex part, and the relationship part, and the....everything else. I looked up at him. He looked down at me.
"I'm sorry" I whispered. Not knowing what else to say. I can't imagine the panic I just put them through. Matt walked forward and grabbed my arm pulling me up and he shook his head. I just let out a breath.
He just shook his head and placed his hand on the back of my head looking down at me. I knew what he was meaning.
It's not your fault.
"Do you want me to walk you home?" I asked softly. He sighed letting his hand drop as he looked back down at his phone. He shook his head softly.
I wrapped my arms around myself and nodded. He looked down at me before turning and walking towards my door.
"Thank you---" I said. He turned. "For being so nice to me today" I said quietly. He smiled and nodded, said nothing else and just left. I sighed as I sat back down on my bed.
My eyes glanced over to the notebook that had words written against it. Proof of an actual conversation. I smiled and wrapped my arms around my legs.
-
The next school day was slow. Matt didn't say anything to me today. I think he might have been burnt out with our converstation yesterday. Who knows how long it's been since he's talked to someone for more than two sentences.
It was fine with me, I'm just glad he communicated with me. It was the first glimpse of hope into our friendship. So if he didn't talk to me today, I was okay with that. He seemed nose deep into his sketchbook today anyway. I'd never seen him so focused.
I pushed the doors of the school open as Matt followed behind me.
"Thank god it's the weekend. I didn't think i'd survive another day" I mumbled looking over at Matt as the chill of the outside air came over me. Matt nodded.
I sighed as we started to walk in our normal direction before I paused, hearing someone call my name.
"Y/n!"
I turned on my feet before I saw Jake running up to us, me. I looked over at Matt who stared blankly at Jake. I looked up forcing a smile.
"Hey" I breathed. Jake stopped in front of me and smile. "Hey, do you want to come back with me? For the biology thing?" He asked. I raised my eyebrows and let out a breath, feeling Matt's presence next to me more than I should.
"I thought---“ I glanced at Matt. “I thought we agreed on later tonight" I scratched the back of my head awkwardly. Jake glanced over to Matt. Matt looked down at his feet.
"No, yeah. I just thought----later works" Jake shook his head. I nodded. "Do you want me to give you are ride home at least?" He asked looking down at me.
And leave Matt to walk by himself?
"No it's okay, really" I said shaking my head. He frowned. "Are you sure? Charolette’s a long walk from here" He breathed looking down at me full of concern. I felt Matt look up next to me and stare at me. My eyes widened.
"I-" I swallowed nerves flushing over me. "It's fine--I like to walk" I shook my head. Jake pursed his lips before nodding.
He reached down and grabbed my hand, moving his thumb over my fingers. I froze and looked down at our hands.
"Well, just text me. I really need help" He tugged me towards him. My mouth opened and I cleared my throat. Was he flirting with me? In front of Matt? I felt my face go blood red.
"Yeah, okay" I nodded. I wish that I didn't feel Matt's presence or stare as much as I did. "Okay" Jake smiled squeezing my hand and staring down at me.
"Okay" I nodded back chuckling. Then he dropped my hand and stepped back before turning away.
I just watched him as he friends walked up to him and turned back and looked at me. I turned back to Matt who just looked at me. He pushed off his feet before walking in the other direction. My face dropped and I walked after him.
"Hey, slow down" I said as I walked after him. He let out a breath and looked forward. I swallowed as I looked at him.
"Okay I lied about living on Charolette. Does that make me such a bad person that I don't want the boy with the jaguar to know the shit-hole I live in?" I snapped looking at him. Matt glanced down at me and then just looked back up.
"I'm just helping him with biology" I mumbled looking down at my feet. Matt raised his eyebrows. I looked over at him.
"What? I am" I defended myself. I wasn't lying. I didn't know what that was all about back there.
"Is something bothering you?" I asked softly. It's frustrating. It's so frustrating that he won't speak to me sometimes. Sometimes he communicates, sometimes he didn't. It was eating me alive. I didn't know when he was mad, upset, angry.
No reply.
He sighed and looked forwards and silence came between us.
"Can I come over?" I breathed softer. "You know--Until then?" I asked looking up at him. He glanced down at me. He looked off and then shrugged. I sighed and looked down at my feet, hating his feeling.
I almost thought the shrug meant a no before he tugged my arm into the direction of his house.
-
He pushed the door open to his house and I followed suit. I heard other voice assuming it was his brothers and I couldnt help but let the anxiety in me spike a bit.
I let the door close behind me before I saw Chris looking at us, Nick had his head down in papers at the kitchen table.
"If it isn't the girl who kidnapped my brother" Chris crossed his arms over his chest. I swallowed as I stared over at him.
Matt glared at him as he shrugged his backpack off and let it fall to the ground. I looked down at my feet.
"I'm sorry I shouldn't have-"
"Do you realize that we had absolutely no idea where he was for three hours? He could have been dead for all we knew" He snapped at me. Matt breathed harder next to me. I swallowed and shook my head.
"All because you fell asleep? You couldn't think to text?" Chris walked up to us. I glared at him.
"I'm not in charge of him" I snapped.
"No you're not. We are" He snapped back pointing towards Nick. Matt pushed his brother's shoulder that was approaching me and shook his head.
I looked between them as they glared at each other.
"Matt go take out the trash please” Nick mumbled from across the room. “—and stop acting like children, both of you" Nick announced from the kitchen table, shaking his head at his brothers.
Matt glanced over at him and then dropped his tense shoulders before turning and walking out of the front door.
I turned and watched as exited. I turned back at Chris who shook his head.
"We have to talk" He grabbed my arm and dragged me towards the backdoor. I pulled against his grip. "I don't want to talk you" I protested but he was already pulling the backdoor open.
Nick shook his head as we passed me. Chris pulled me out and slid the door closed. I ripped my arm from him and placed my hand over where he held me.
"Don't grab me like that" I snapped. Chris took in a breath and swallowed.
"Sorry I just--" He shook his head. I blinked at him.
"You can't do that Y/n. You can't just run off with him and not tell us what’s going on. Matt's never not come home after school" He ran his hands through his hair.
"He could have been god knows where, he could have been hurt. He could have done something-" He paused before meeting my eyes.
"You can't not tell us. You scared us" He shook his head, anger dissipating and sadness washing in. I looked down at my feet realizing how it must of felt for them when Matt didn't come home.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean any worry" I whispered. He sighed and looked down at me before sitting down on the steps leading to the backyard. I looked down at him before sitting down next to him.
"You're too protective over him. Matt he's---his own person. He's fine" I breathed looking at him. Chris looked up at me with a scowl.
"He's not fine. You don't know him" He snapped. I just looked at him before pressing my chin against my knees.
"No, but i'm getting there. He....seems fine" I whispered not knowing how much I actually believed that. Chris looked down at his feet.
"Yeah when he's with you" He mumbled. I looked over at him. "What does that mean?" I asked. Chris didn't look up at me and just shrugged.
"It's the only time he smiles" He breathed. I blinked at Chris as he looked down before looking away. Silence came between us for a second.
"Can I ask you something?" I turned to him. He looked up at me. "What happened a few days ago with Matt? I asked to come over and he just...shook me off. He seemed upset, I couldn't get it out of him" I swallowed.
"I thought it was because I went out with Jake but--"
"Jake?" Chris questioned looking at me. I opened my mouth and then looked away. "Yeah, Jake Andrews. I went out with him and his--"
"Jake Andrews?" Chris asked sitting up. I looked over at him and shrugged. Chris chuckled and shook his head at me. I glared at him.
"Are you always such a dick?" I snapped. Chris shook his head smiling. "No, but Jake Andrews is" He said shaking his head. I narrowed my eyes at him.
"No he isn't. He's nice to me" I defended. Chris leaned back and nodded. "Oh yeah, I’m sure he's real nice to you" He said shaking his head. I pushed his shoulder.
"You don't even know him" I snapped. Everything that fell from Chris's mouth was condescending and I was growing tired of it. Chris rolled his eyes.
"Jake Andrews? Plays hockey for Height's team?" He raised his eyebrows. I blinked at him. "I know him" He nodded. I clenched my jaw and looked off.
"Do you have a girlfriend?"
"Why you wanna take me out?" He smiled tilting his head back. I glared at him in disgust.
"No, I was just wondering if you were as much of an asshole to me as you would be to her. Seeing you don't have one, I can clearly see why" I hit back at him. He clenched his jaw.
"And don't flatter yourself, you're not even my type" I mumbled. Chris scoffed. "I look like Matt, I am your type" He responded. I furrowed my eyebrows and looked over at him, confusion on my face.
"Matt's not....my type" I whispered, not sure I even believed myself from the way the words tumbled out. Matt was attractive, anyone could see that. It wasn't new news. I just hadn't thought about it. I just wanted to snap back at Chris.
Chris looked over at me and raised his eyebrows.
"So Jake Andrews is then?" He scoffed like the name was poison on his tounge. I swallowed and shrugged.
"Chris, I don't know. I'm just saying Matt--I don't know" I said shaking my head, running my hands through my hair. “Not” I finished.
"Oh yeah? Why do you insist on hanging out with him constantly then? You pity him or something? He doesn't need that" He shook his head. I shook my head and looked down.
"You're......impossible" I whispered. Chris sighed.
"Look, I'm sorry i'm protective. You just don't know what he's been through. You'd be protective too" He stated. I pursed my lips and nodded. He's right, I didn't know.
"So the other day. What happened?" I asked softly, just wanting to change the conversation. Chris's face turned confused before clarity hit him.
"Oh, yeah" He breathed sitting up. "It's probably because Cassie was here" He explained. My eyebrows furrowed and I snapped my head to him.
"Cassie?"
The backdoor slid open. We both turned and saw Matt looking down at us. We both stood up. He looked between us and I gave a soft smile at him, relief that he was saving me from this conversation. Chris looked over at me before moving past his brother and away from me.
I sighed and looked at Matt. He just stared at me.
"Ready?" I asked smiling. Matt just backed up so I could walk back into the house. I looked over at Nick who smiled up up at me softly. I smiled back. I felt the need to apologize to him. Even though he wasn't as forward as Chris, I knew I probably scared him too.
Matt grabbed my wrist before I could say anything to Nick and we walked towards his room away from his brothers.
I just let Matt drag me until we were in front of his room. He placed his hands on my shoulders before stilling me. I just looked up at him.
He held up a finger before he walked into his room and closed the door in my face. I jumped back. I opened my mouth but then closed it before hearing him rustling around in his room. I furrowed my eyebrows.
Was he cleaning?
I chuckled before a few moments later the door opened and he smiled softly, letting me walk in. I chuckled and turned to him.
"You didn't have to clean Matt" I said as he closed the door. He shrugged and walked over to his desk to set down his bag before pulling out his sketch book.
I walked over to him.
"Are you ever gonna let me see a drawing?" I asked glancing from the book up to him. He looked down at me.
As he looked down at me I couldn't help but think about Chris's words.
"I look like Matt, I am your type"
I swallowed looking at his blue eyes hidden behind his glasses. Matt looked back down at the book before flipping open a page for me to see.
I looked down at the page, my breath caught in my throat.
I leaned down to look at the detail in the drawing.
"Matt" I gasped as i looked down.
It was a bookshelf, detail in every single book against the page. The lining of the covers, and the spine, each having their own look to them.
It looked like a picture.
But that's not what made the drawing extraordinary. Throughout the books there were little butterflies through thr air, each one unique to it’s wings. They were flying above and through the pages. It looked like a fairy tale.
This drawing had to have taken days.
"Matt" I said again, never wanting to tear my eyes away, my finger hovered over the page. Matt just watched me as I looked down a the page.
"i've read that book" I pointed to one of the books that caught my eye. I smiled as I stared. "I've read that one too" I pointed to another. My eyes scanned the drawing.
I've read all these books.
I looked up at Matt before he looked down at the page and then closed the book. I sat up as he pushed it away from us. I smiled as he looked away from me.
"You're talented, it’s—-beautiful" I breathed shaking my head. I had assumed his drawings were good from the amount of time he would be scribbing in that damn notebook, but damn.
I smiled softly. He let out a breath and gave a quick smile before he reached over grabbing a notepad and a pen.
I just watched him as he wrote. I smiled. This was the first time today he was gonna say something to me. I looked down at it after he wrote and he handed it to me.
I glanced over his writing.
You like Chris
I looked up at him before taking the pen out of his hands and writing back. He looked down at the paper.
eh, he talks too much
Matt looked up and smiled. A genuine smile. I chuckled and he shook his head setting down the notebook. I felt my stomach twist before shifting on my feet.
"Who's.....Cassie?" I asked hesitantly. His eyes snapped up to mine, his smile long gone. He blinked at me before closing his eyes. He looked down smacking his lips.
"You don't have to tell me" I spoke quickly, not wanting to push any buttons. "If you don't want to" I whispered wrapping my arms around myself. He looked at his feet. He shrugged.
I swallowed and nodded. "You don't have to tell me" I spoke again. He sighed and grabbed my arm before dragging me over to his bed. I sat down and looked up at him. He walked around the bed before grabbing a blanket and throwing it over me. Then he sat down.
He leaned over and handed me to the remote and pointed towards the tv across from his bed. I looked over at him before leaning back against his pillows and turning on the tv. He obviously didn't want to talk about whoever she was.
I guess I just had to stay curious, like I do with every other aspect of his life. I saw him glance over at me for a moment as I scrolled through his tv. He closed his eyes letting go of a breath before leaning his head back.
“I’m gonna go over to Jake’s around 6, is that okay? If I stay until then?” I whispered. He turned his head and looked at me and something sparked behind his eyes.
“I don’t really want to go home” I whispered. He looked down before he nodded. I smiled and leaned my head against his shoulder.
“I like being your friend Matt” I whispered as I clicked on a show. He glanced down at me before he brought his hand up to my arm. I looked down as his finger pressed against my skin and he wrote with his finger against my arm.
Me 2
sobbing puking throwing up
Heyy, how are you? I just found your account and I just discovered that you are Brazilian, I am too!! how are you?
aaaaaa mds é mt difícil achar outras pessoas do brasil por aqui, eu to bem e vc???? de onde vc é? eu sou de sp vulgo pior lugar possível
i have a strong opinion
i dont like reading angst fics with the triplets
its just so hurtful it makes me feel bad
and i get sad like its real life yk
Quiet 7
P1 P2 P3 P4 P5 P6 P7
pairing: y/n and Matt sturniolo
summary: a girl with a lot of baggage and a boy with even more try to help put each others pieces back together one by one. A story about a girl who’s broken and a boy who doesn’t talk
warnings: mentions of an ED. she does not have one! it does not go into description, someone just teases her about her weight. Mentions of an dad drinking.
____________________________________________________
Matt walked next to me as we walked home, I'd seemingly forever given up with taking the bus. It didn't feel right leaving Matt. Then again, it never did.
He walked by me reluctantly, it felt like. He hasn't smiled today. Not that he's known for his smiling, but usually I could get one smile out of him a day. Today didn't seem like that kind of day.
“I found at cat” I decided to break the silence between us.
Matt looked over at me with a confused face. I sighed and looked down at my feet. “Well I guess, a cat found me” I mumbled quietly. It’s not like a stumbled upon it, it just showed up at my house. He just looked down at me as we walked.
"It showed up at my house last night" I explained looking up at him. He looked down a the ground.
"I gave it some food, but I don't know if It will come back or not" I sighed as I attempted to make conversation with him.
“I’ve been bouncing off some names. I don’t know if I want to go the basic route with like ‘Snowy’ or ‘Snowball’ or if I’d rather give it a more original name. Like ‘Iris’ or ‘Sparkle’.” I sighed.
“I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve always wanted to name a pet sparkle, but my dad never let me get one” I shook my head. I turned to him.
“What do you think?”
Shrug.
Something was off with him today. I didn't know if it was because of me or not. It was eating me alive. I felt horrible. I had apologized but I don't really know if he accepted the apology yet.
Nothing but the sound of our steps were between us today. That and the sound of my voice, which even I was getting tired of hearing.
I stopped walking and looked up at him. He paused and turned to look at me when he realized I had stopped walking. I frowned at him. He just stared.
"Why are you upset?" I whispered softly. He took in a breath and closed his eyes. I shifted on my feet.
"Are you still mad at me?" I asked. He looked over at me and shook his head. I licked my lips.
"You promise?" I asked softly. He blinked at me before walking up to me and grabbing my hand, interlocking our pinkies before letting it go. I smiled softly.
Pinky promise.
He turned and started walking again. I followed.
"So it's not me. Then what is it?" I asked softly leaning into his view. He sighed and looked forward. No answer. No indication. I leaned over to him slightly.
"Do you want me to come over? We could do something funnn" I sang smiling. He shook his head.
"You don't want me to come over or you’re just allergic to fun?" I asked smiling. He paused and then shook his head. I swallowed and looked down. Not in the mood for jokes.
"Okay" I whispered. He didn't want to talk or communicate it seemed.
After walking a little bit in silence he veered off towards his neighborhood without another look. I paused and watched him as he walked away. I swallowed. I really hoped he wasn't mad at me. But if he wasnt, then what was he so upset about?
I turned and walked down the rest of the sidewalk. Whatever it was, I obviously had no idea. It still hurt to see him so closed off all of the sudden. Even more than before.
My thoughts made the walk to my house quicker and before I knew it, I was pushing my door open. I needed sleep. I just needed my bed, my room.
I walked through the living room, not expecting to see my dad there. It was only 3:30. I jumped back slightly suprised by his presence. He looked over at me.
"Ah, there you are. How was school? Tell me about it" He breathed closing his eyes and leaning back against the pillows of the couch. I blinked down at him, observing his state. Wondering why he was home.
"What are you doing home so early?" I mumbled. He sighed and rolled over attempting to reach for a cup but knocked it over. "Shit" He reached for it, but I grabbed it moving it out of his reach.
"Here Dad, let me help you-"
"Dammit, Y/n" he spat. My eyes widended at him. I didn't think I did anything wrong. He grumbled and stood up, towering over me. I shrank beneath him. He closed his eyes and let go of a breath. He reached down picking up the cup and walking over to the kitchen.
I just watched him.
"Tell me about school" He spoke again. I crossed my arms over myself suddenly feeling like I was walking on eggshells. I hated when he yelled. When he raised his voice. It scared me. I didn't like it.
"School's good" I almost whispered just wanting to retreat into my room as fast as possible. He hummed from the kitchen.
I took in a breath as I looked towards the kitchen.
"Do you think we could maybe get some food tonight? I really liked those noodles" I smiled over at him hopefully. He groaned as he walked back into the living room where I was.
"Y/n, I'm in between jobs right now. The boss making some bullshit claim against me. It cost me my job" He shook his head as he sank back into the couch, his cup refilled. I looked down at my feet.
"I've had a bad day, money's tight right now. You've got to understand that" He shook his head. I nodded and hugged my arms. "I do, understand" I whispered.
"There's half a sandwhich in the fridge if you get hungry" He pointed towards the kitchen. I looked off towards the kitchen. I had given that sandwhich to the cat yesterday. Instead of telling him that, afraid of the backlash, I just nodded.
"Friends--what about friends? You made any?" He mumbled after a few seconds continuing on our previous conversation.
I shifted on my feet in front of him.
"I went to a hockey game the other day. I went out to eat with some friends afterwards" I spoke, it was kinda a lie. They weren't my friends, they were Jake's friends. I didn't really know if I wanted them to be my friends.
He mumbled and nodded.
"And I have this one friend I sit with a lunch, he's nice to me" I mumbled. That was true, he was nice. But it was hard to be mean when you didn't speak. He didn't have the power to slice me with his words, but with his looks. His eyes. I didn't know if that was better or worse.
"What's his name?" My dad blinked up at me, bringing the cup to his lips. "Matt" I answered. "But the one I went to eat with, his name was Jake" I explained. He nodded and hummed, his eys drifting closed again.
"I like hanging out with Matt, even though he doesn't say much. I think he's a good friend. Jake on the other hand. I haven’t figure him out. He--"
I was cut off by the sound of my dad's snores. I looked up at him and he had passed out, the cup still in his hands.
I shut my mouth as I looked down at him. I sighed as I leaned forward and took the cup out of his hands and walked over to the kitchen before pouring out its contents.
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I watched the brown liquid circle the drain and then disappear. I looked over to the brown bag next to the sink before digging into, anger rising in me. Pulling out a receipt, I scanned over it.
$50.91
His words rang in me.
money's tight right now
I crumbled the receipt and took in a deep breath before walking up the stairs and away from my dad. I pushed the angry behind me as I walked into my room. The angry quickly turned to tears as I fell face-first into my pillows.
I was angry. Angry at myself. Angry at my dad. Just angry. And I let the blankets consume me as my stomach growled angrily as well.
-
Are you okay?
I pushed Matt's notebook away from me, looking back down at my desk. A sense of hurt crossed his face from the corner of my vision. I placed my arms over my desk and laid against them.
I didn't want to come to school today, but the alternative was worse. Being home. I let my eyes close and the darkness of that consume. I almost felt peace.
I felt the corner of Matt's notebook hit my arm. I blinked my eyes open. He stared down at me. I glanced down at the notebook.
I'm sorry about yesterday.
Blankly written across the page. No explanation, no nothing. Just 'I'm sorry for yesterday'. I picked up a pencil and quickly wrote back just so he would leave me alone.
I'm not mad at you Matt. I'm not in the mood just leave me alone.
I sighed as I closed my eyes again as he stared down at the page. I felt him pick up the notebook again and place it back down. He tapped my arm.
I sat up with an angry demeanor. What part of leave me alone, did he not understand? He looked down at the notebook. I glanced down.
You look pretty today.
Was written softly against the page. The angry inside of me dissipated with those four words and I stared at the page a small smile coming to my face. I wrote back,
Thank you. I don't feel it, but thank you.
-
"Y/n!"
I turned as I heard my name being called. I saw Jake waving me over to a table he was sitting at. Him, Tyler, Gavin, Lacey, and Nadia sat with him. I turned back and saw Matt sitting at our usual table, unknowingly drawing like usual.
I turned on my feet and walked over to Jake. I smiled softly as he looked up at me.
"Wanna sit?" He asked motioning next to him, scooting over to make room. I opened my mouth and looked over to Matt, his eyebrows furrowed and his glasses low on his nose as he focused in on his drawing.
I turned back to Jake.
"I---I usually sit with Matt" I motioned behind me. His eyes trailed behind me breifly and looked back at me.
"Don't you want to talk to someone while you eat?" He chuckled lightly. I looked up and saw Nadia and Lacey's eyes on me.
I furrowed my eyebrows at his words. His rude words. "I-" I shook my head. "Awe come on y/n, sit with us" Nadia said from the other side of the table. I looked at her before turning and looking at Matt behind me.
His eyes finally raised, most likely looking for me. His eyes landed on me as I stared at him. He looked over at Jake and back to me. He looked back down at his notebook, but his pencil was frozen against the page.
I swallowed and turned back to Jake.
"I'm okay, really. I wanna sit with him." I shook my head. Jake sighed and looked at the table. "Okay, fine. But you still owe me help with Biology" He smiled lightly. I smiled and nodded.
"Friday? My house?" He asked leaning into me slightly. I smiled and nodded. "Okay" I agreed rather quickly, maybe too quickly. Lacey set down her salad in front of her.
"Friday we were all suppose to go bowling" She protested glaring at Jake. Jake looked over at her. "I’ll just sit this one out. Give Gavin a chance to actual win" Jake said back bumping Gavin’s shoulder. He rolled his eyes. Lacey glared harder.
"Since when do you care so much about biology?" She snapped.
"Since when do you care so much about bowling?"
"Since we had plans before you decided to go with miss eating disorder over here" Lacey snapped. The table went quiet and I felt my face drain from the small comment.
"Lacey" Nadia spoke softly looking at her friend, her face twisted in anger. Lacey looked up at me and I could feel my heart beat against my chest. The eyes on me. The silence in the air. She sighed and looked down at her food and just shook her head. I swallowed.
"I'll see you Friday, Jake" I whispered before I walked off and towards Matt. I felt my lip quiver and I closed my eyes. I let out an unsteady breath as I approached the table and sat down next to him.
Matt's eyes were on me and I did everything to avoid them. I swallowed.
Don't cry. Don't cry. Do not do it Y/n.
I just wished that people wouldn't notice. I didn't have a bad relationship with food. I loved food. I loved to eat. I just didn't have the luxury of getting to eat all the time. His eyes burned into me.
I felt a tear pass my waterlines and fall down my face. I quickly reached up and wiped it before pulling out my book and hiding in between the pages.
I couldn’t not focus on Matt’s gaze. And I couldn’t not focus on the tears behind my eyes. I sighed before giving up and dropping the book and covering my face with my hands, shielding myself.
"Why are people so mean Matt?" I whispered against my hands. I swallowed and dropped my hands looking over at him. His eyes swarmed with worry as he looked at me. I took in a shaky breath as I looked back down.
I felt his hand cover mine and squeeze it softly before picking up his pencil with his other and continue to sketch, his hand still grasping mine.
-
The rest of the day went by dreadfully slow. Matt had tried to cheered me back up, it worked. Kind of. I still felt the weight on my chest.
He even drew a few small sketches in the corner of my notebook during class. Small figures to make me smile.
Just from the tiny sketches he drew to make me smile, I knew his in-depth sketches must be breathtaking. Still, I didn’t want to pry.
I sighed as I finally exited the school doors after what felt like the worst day of my life. I looked down at my feet as I felt Matt's presence next to me. There wasn't any need for words to be exchanged. He knew that and I knew that.
I stared down at my feet and every now and then Matt would look up at me and open his mouth. I paid no attention to him. After a second he would just look away.
We got to the point in our walk where he would veer off without another word and I just stared at my feet. But he didn't turn. He kept walking with me. I looked up at him, he stared forward.
"Are you not going home?" I asked him. He shrugged. I looked down. I wrapped my arms around myself. "Do you want to come home with me?" I asked softly, hopefully. Pathetically.
He's the only one who seems capable of making me feel better. Now I needed it more than ever, I needed the reassurance. He didn't react though. He just looked down at his feet as he walked. I swallowed and didn't ask another question until we were standing at my front door.
I glanced over at him before I heard the sound again. A soft purr. I looked down at my feet. The white cat seemingly making it's return. I smiled and bent down running my hands over its back.
"I was just telling Matt about you yesterday. You must have heard me." I said softly down to the cat. I looked up at Matt who smiled softly down at the cat that was rubbing against my hand. I stood up, facing Matt.
"The Boston winter is brutal. I feel bad for the cat, but my dad would never let me take it in" I breathed looking at Matt. He bit his lip and looked down at the cat.
“She does look like a Sparkle though doesn’t she?” I asked with a half smile. He smiled at me. "Come on" I sighed as I pushed the door open and let Matt inside.
The white noise of the TV was the only sound that ever seemed to be inside the house these days. Matt's eyes lingered as we walked into the kitchen. I pushed past the fear of judgement knowing out of everyone, Matt wouldn't say anything, literally.
I wrapped my arms around myself as he looked around. His eyes landed on a photo. The only framed photo sitting on the counter. A picture of me, my dad, and my mom.
His finger traced over the corners and he smiled softly. I stood beside him, tilting my head at the photo. Sometimes when I looked at that photo I think that's the last time I was truly happy. When my mom wasn't sick, when my dad didn't drink, and when I wasn't 'skin and bones'. I felt my stomach turn.
I turned away from the photo quickly enough to grab Matt's attention. He set down the photo and looked over at me. I leaned against the counter. This day was too much. I closed my eyes.
"Y/n, you're home. Good--" My dad announced himself walking into the kitchen. My eyes snapped up and I felt Matt freeze next to me. My dad stared at him, blinking.
He reeked of alcohol.
I closed my eyes. Out of everytime I've ever wanted to disappear, vanish into thin air as If I never existed at all, this one. This one, topped the list.
"There is a boy in my kitchen" He pointed at Matt. "Is this Jake?" My dad asked blinking over at me, moving his body a little took much for one small motion. My eyes widened. Matt looked over at me.
"No dad--" I swallowed. "This is Matt, remember? I told you about Matt" I breathed. I had, I told him about Matt. My dad smacked his lips. "Right. The kid who doesn't talk" He pointed at Matt. I felt the color leave my face from the rudeness of my father's words.
Matt didn't react, or at least didn't show it on his face. My dad didn't pay any mind to Matt, didn't even ask him why he was here. He moved around him and looked down at the picture frame Matt and I were just looking at.
"Her mother was a beaut wasn't she?" His thick Boston accent spoke over us. Matt looked down at the photo.
"She's got her mother's eyes in her, don't she?" My dad looked at Matt. Matt turned to look at me.
I looked down at my feet. Disappear. Disappear.
My dad grumbled and set down the photo. "I'm going out--" He stumbled towards his keys.
"Dad" I stepped forward. He turned and shook his head. "I've got it under control Y/n" He said sharply. I didn't fight him, I just sank back as he walked towards the door.
Matt just looked down at me as the door closed. I stared at the door. Half of the time when he walked out like that, I wondered if I would ever see him again. A part of me didn't care. The other part of me did, I mean he was my dad. The only family I had left.
Silence filled the room and I just turned and walked towards the steps. I heard Matt follow. He knew to without me even motioning him. In times like these I appreciated our friendship, and I appreciated the fact that he didn't speak.
I walked into my room, him following suit. I glanced around my small bedroom, like I had said before. It wasn't much. Not compared to his. There was no personality.
A few books along the shelves that was it, my favorites now missing from the collection. But it was my safe haven nonetheless. My escape. My room.
I blinked up at him. He stared at me. I forced a smile, hoping to show him that nothing about the interaction with my dad had upset me, and my face did just that. Yet, my eyes gave it away.
He bit down on his lip and he held his palm and used his finger to pretend to scrible on it and glanced around. I furrowed my eyebrows confused before realizing what he was asking for.
I leaned down, opening my bag and handing him a notebook and a pen. He took it out of my hands and grabbed my arm, dragging me over to my bed. I followed, let him drag me. My eyes didn't leave his as we laid across my sheets.
He opened the notebook and pressed the pen to it. He looked up and bit his lip before writing, as if he was gathering his thoughts. I glanced down at the paper, not fully reading the sentence until it was written completely.
You never asked me why I don't talk. Why?
I contemplated the question and he stared down at me. I pursed my lips before taking the pen out of his hand.
I could have just spoken the answer, but I wanted to use the same communcation as he was. It seemed like the right thing to do. I wrote back.
It seemed personal. I didn't want to intrude.
I looked up at him as he stared down at the paper and I handed him the pen, or rather, set it down on the paper between us. He picked it up and pressed the pen down.
If you would have asked, I would have told you.
I looked up at him before writing back.
I know.
I stared at the paper before writing some more.
I want you to tell me in your own time, not because I asked you too.
He smiled softly at the page. He took the pen from my hands.
Is there anything you do want to ask me?
I pursed my lips and looked down at the page. He's giving you free range to ask him anything Y/n. My mind rang before I picked up the pen.
Why didn't you want me to come over yesterday?
I wrote blankly. He looked down at the page, he let go of a breath and took the pen from me, writing his answer.
There was something I had to deal with that I didn't want you there for.
No specifics, just ‘I had something to deal with’. I sighed and looked at the page, deciding not to push it. He wrote again.
Anything else? I’m in the mood for conversation
I chuckled at his written words and he smiled down at me. I sighed before taking the pen and writing something else. I paused as I started to write it, feeling it in my gut.
If I ask you this, will you be honest?
He blinked down at the page, his smile disappearing. He looked over at me and nodded. I looked back down at the page.
do you think I look frail? Like I’m so skinny that’s it’s all you can notice about me?
He looked down at the page. His eyebrows furrowing at the page. I swallowed as he took the pen out of my hands. He paused the pen against the page as if he was thinking.
I turned away from him. I heard him write something. He tapped my shoulder. I turned back to him, my vision coming over the paper.
Your weight isn’t the first 20 things I notice when I look at you
I looked up at him. He smiled softly down at me before writing again.
why?
I shrugged letting silence fall between us. Replaying Lacey’s words in my head. I don't know why I let her get to me and I don't know why it bothered me that Jake didn't say anything about her comment. I swallowed the discomort falling over me again.
I sighed leaning my head against his shoulder. I felt his arm move again to write. I watched as his arm moved under me.
I like you no matter what you look like
I smiled. A genuine smile. It felt good. A few seconds later he crossed out the word ‘you’ and made an arrow towards a blank part of the page and wrote the words ‘hanging out with you’.
As if he meant to write:
I like hanging out with you, no matter what you look like.
I moved to look up at him. His eyes widened and his cheeks pink from his mistake. I chuckled next to him and took the pen out of his hand and wrote a sentence.
I like you whether you talk or whether you don’t talk.
I let the sentence sit there for a second before making the same marks he did. Crossing out the word ‘you’ an pointing to ‘hanging out with you’
As if I meant to write:
I like hanging out with you, whether you talk or whether you don’t talk.
He smiled down at the page and then down at me. I smiled back before laying against his shoulder. That’s when I realized my lack of sleep and let myself drift off.
honestly the way nick is SO happy to end the podcast and them being so hyper just sums up perfectly why its soooo good to end it
this was such a nice last episode and im genuinely excited for their future plans and projects like yesss more bts personal projects twitch streams !!
i got so scared for a second i swear
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH
I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE
turn it up
my two favs
i literally can’t tell if i wanna be tarayummy or have tarayummy
both
go get it ballerina
Chris gives me such strong pingu vibes and I cannot explain why
You can’t tell me this isn’t Chris
