Trying hard to let this go... Today is the day I start over, again. Today is the start of a brand new life.
This Mel Robbins video (For the heartbroken, and those struggling with the injustice of a disrespectful discard) might be helpful for anyone else to watch who is going through something similar as what I'm going through:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qq3k1_jzxwo
It is hard to get over the feelings of complete worthlessness, devaluation, invalidation, the feeling that I don't deserve honesty and respect or any apology, incorrect evaluation and assumption about me by someone I cared so much for which in the end was simply a false filter they saw me through created from their own secrets from me - and I know it will be hard to learn to trust or ever love again. I've never trusted anyone so much before in my life, with every ounce of my being, and then told I was just a nasty person when I reacted to that trust being broken (instead of just take it and try to work things out like I would in the past) and blamed for it and then blocked without so much as a goodbye or sorry I did that, after the truth was confessed to me.
I was with someone who is very emotionally immature and cannot be upfront or easily talk about feelings, and cannot respect someone enough to have the difficult conversations surrounding ending a relationship properly and remain emotionally cool about it... and would rather go find someone else behind my back then run off and hide from me when I find out, and avoid me without any mature conversation to end things off peacefully.
The reason it's so hard for me to let this go and am so stuck, is because of how he handled it to end things and could not be brave enough to tell me the truth, for months and maybe even prior - who knows - and led me on to believe that he still wanted me and wanted to come see me, building my hopes and desire and anticipation at the same time while faithfully trusting him - at the same time as seeing other people looking for a replacement behind my back and keeping it from me - even just after I had flown out to celebrate his birthday with him for a few days.
With no apology after it all, and then just refusing to answer questions and blocking me when I expressed any emotion or hurt about it. And because I am a person of principle, I know I deserved to be treated better and to have it be finished more respectfully instead of just lying to me continuously over several months and discarding me and blocking me. There was no effort on his part to have any sort of empathy for me and my feelings - aside from giving me the real story at the end and then blocking me afterwards when I reacted to his egotistical assumption I still wanted a relationship (false! I was done too!).
I naively ignored red flags and signs earlier on and played the "nice girl" when he asked for space or was evasive or lied to me about his relationship with his ex-wife or would blow up at me and lose his patience and temper for seemingly no good reason or based on outrageous assumptions - and I would accept him again when he would reach back again because I loved him. I would patiently forgive him and excuse how he treated me and how he would love bomb me and then withdraw affinity and affection like some sick mind game - and then try to keep believing it would all work out and bend over backwards to mend things, and say that we deserved it to work and were happier together, etc. Would believe him when he told me positive things about keeping us together and that he wanted it too.
This is not about the break up for me, it is about the injustice and not doing it the right way nor letting us have a mature conversation about things and leave it peaceful. I've already accepted that it's gone and over. But just because I may still love him as a person or miss him and the good times we had, the laughs, the goals and plans we had, the casual easy carefree-ness of how it felt like home with him, how he would tease me in just the right way sometimes to make me laugh, does not mean I want to be back in a relationship with him. You can miss and love someone, but not want to go back or try again and just be totally spent.
It's not about what happened, it's about the how. That is what I have had a real hard time with, and is just very hard to believe and process and deal with - it has lasting effects. I was actually doing pretty well before the truth came out but would rather know the truth than be lied to.
Lucky for him (and maybe me too, so I don't have to see him with someone else...), I live across the ocean, and won't ever just randomly awkwardly "bump into" him and he can just put me "out of sight out of mind" and "just move on with his life" without ever having to face me again. After about 12 visits me there and him here, over about 5-6 years, some lasting several weeks and months at a time, me working for him as well and training his receptionist while he needed it - and talking or communicating in some way on average about at least once a day when separated - reaching from both sides. Many trips, travels, adventures and camping trips too.
Grant, the way you handled it was really awful. But I am glad to know the truth, that you tried to keep hidden from me like as if I didn't deserve to know. I am glad it ended. The way in which it was done however was not acceptable. I was mistreated, lied to many times and disrespected on every level possible and that was not cool and I needed to say these things and wanted to have a peaceful ending instead of just running off from me, hiding and avoiding me and blocking me like as if I never meant anything to you - or because you want to change the narrative of what actually happened and how, and avoid any and all accountability from your side.
I deserved better than that.
But I will make myself better and be a better person for my own sake, and take my own responsibility for my own self. But I hope that you treat women better in the future.