Samantha

The coward claimed he was a lion.

[riotd]

i’m very self aware. which unfortunately hasn’t solved anything

[maviyenot]

[inh4le-kushh]

Joints with Zeus 🐱💖

[drop-dead-dropout]

[deliriumxtrigger]

i wonder if i’m going to die—-

coined delusional—but i spent almost my entire life acting from my subconscious now that i’m conscious i’m hyper aware of the most subtle signs

it’s the most tortuous thing i think any person can know inherently you create your own hell even if it’s out of your control and then what do you do with that ?

i had so much stress yesterday i had numbness and discomfort shoot down the left arm left side of my abdomen and into my heart

supposedly that’s dangerous , i don’t really care

i’m so tired

i’m so so so so tired

i almost wrote on my journal in the front “before death” last night but i couldn’t write out death

maybe i will maybe i wont but like i said a year ago; ill be surprised if this doesnt kill me

i meant it when i said : opening up to antonio could kill me my body can barely handle anymore stress and absolutely i don’t think i could survive another broken heart or betrayal that’s why knew it was dangerous not because i would commit suicide

the toll it would take on my body

i’m 33 healthy and conscious

and my soul still feels so desecrated —- my mind is split into 3 parts

battling light and dark constantly

i made my own hell but i never had a chance

my ex best friend used to say that often

yea, they don’t like you but you never even had a chance to succeed

i didn’t — because i’m judged, called dumb and incompetent , pushed under the rug, scapegoated

i’ve spent the last 2 years saying fuck you to what happened to me focusing on God and focusing on the purpose he so graciously gifted me with to survive i’ve been running no sprinting out of this fucking victim role

i’ve been placed in

and my body recoils and my anxiety tightens its grip and i wonder what’s next

[deliriumxtrigger]

yesterday was FIRE blaine actually said : i’ve thought about it “you two are my significant others” i was like blaine no, you have to find a partner i signed up for antonio not two men 😂😂😂

[deliriumxtrigger]

wtf i don’t want them dead—- i want them very alive to see me rise ;)

[deliriumxtrigger]

why do i still want to die—- is it because i’ve seen he truth of the world

it’s all just a means to an end

my mind goes to a darker place when i remember my past i try not to linger there too long anymore

but my body remembers what happened to me

i’ve seen the truth of it all

it’s just a means to an end

this faint lingering feeling that never goes away

no matter how calm my nervous system is

there’s a new peace yes and a new meaning yes

and i ask do i want a family because i dreamed it would be this wonderful thing or do i want a family because i have the capacity to take care of children

and i ask myself maybe i like the idea of it all

but there’s a small part of me that whispers : can you really do this

can you look into your children’s faces every day build them a stable life and hope they don’t experience an inkling of the cruelty you did —- do you hope that you and antonio can last for the long haul and prove to your children real stable love is everlasting

do we have what it takes or will the pattern repeat

i either do it or i don’t

and hope if it all crashes and burns i can truly handle it beyond showing my children what it’s like to survive

[deliriumxtrigger]

i’m in this weird space where —- i am trying to remain neutral about things

i’ve been manic mostly my entire life when i say my relationship with antonio really shined a light on that

living in this space where i’m learning to take care of myself first — express my needs without hesitation— and allow antonio to step up and step forward is one of the hardest things i’ve ever done

it’s this loop in my mind (this is where i don’t brag about the amazing things , but i see things at face value)

i’m not in control, i can self sooth no matter what happens without going to extremes, and i’m safe and protected (this last one is hard because my support system is now mainly becoming antonio’s friends and family) because i don’t have many of my own and no family that really cares about me

my creativity settles as well in this neutral space because i’m not on highs and lows and im focused on self soothing and caring for my own needs

my nervous system is quiet —- eerily quiet sometimes i find myself coming up with stories in my head that make no real sense to build a threat because that’s all i knew for so many years

a secure attachment truly is understanding that your partner owes you nothing and a marriage isn’t about the other person being your support it’s about being able to achieve your purpose and growing through each other (interdependence)

when that realization hit me i was like wow—- it’s still beautiful and wonderful to be loved but it’s not an anchor

you die alone and most of the time you are still alone even with a partner

but it’s also freeing knowing one day we all are going to die and mostly everything is out of our control

meeting him was out of my control yet i did meet him and i fell madly in love with him

him choosing to stay after he saw how bad my anxiety can get was out of my control but he continues to choose me and affirm us & our future every day and most importantly he protects me in rooms im not in

the only thing i can do is effectively learn to self sooth and never come off as desperate or needy because that’s gross

the more i step back the more he steps forward but there’s also so much peace in knowing as the woman i really just have to stay warm and present i don’t have to pursue or cause myself unnecessary anxiety — i can move at my pace and biologically hes built to meet me and if hes not then

it’s not meant to be

[deliriumxtrigger]

when the nights wind down and i realize I have to be away from you—-

when the days pass and i realize everything we are working through

my hope comes back, my nervous system feels peace for the first time in years

and then when you kiss me like you love me, oh when you kiss me

i am so in love with you

the torture of being a woman: meeting a man you fall deeply for even after he’s professed his love and obsession making sure you don’t start chasing is HArD

i have to always let him chase me but oooo it’s so sexy when he does

side note: the only way to avoid this—- you need to have a fulfilling purpose and put God first —- you need to prioritize yourself and keep yourself on the queen throne because a man can not respect a woman who doesn’t hold herself to that standard

antonio is very masculine it always surprises me how emotionally mature he is —- baffled mostly he’s better at solving my emotional turmoil than i am

it’s interesting this probably is the healthiest relationship i’ve had and if i’m being really honest —- he’s the most amazing man i’ve ever dated

imagine holding that one up with massive amounts of abandonment trauma

it isn’t all rainbows and butterflies

it’s waking up every day knowing if this ends i can still survive

i am the prize not him even though i’ve only been beaten down otherwise

the more i focus on myself —/ the more i set boundaries it not only saves us in blind spots but he steps up more and more as a husband

it’s empowering (not to be taken for granted) to watch a man change because of your love

a woman’s love truly is the gift, we aren’t only beautiful ethereal creatures but our love is so powerful it can cause a man to grow into a role he never saw himself in before when it comes from a place of empowerment

on the flip side of that antonio loves that i’m a little crazy and a part of me loves that because i know i am —- got a few screws loose and i can be pushy, needy, persistent, and even a little brash

and last night i was having one of those moments and yet i remained in my feminine energy and just kinda let him lead but i also held firm in my needs and he came toward me like a ravenous heated animal

listen, this man doesn’t get turned on easily

so when i do it —- and when im able to make him feel safe enough to be turned on consistently that is hot— that is special that is pure electric chemistry the kind they write about the kind i have been dreaming of since i realized i was an attractive woman

again, it isn’t rainbows and butterflies we talk we argue sorta a lot (more bickering than anything) but over these past 7 months it’s been a whirlwind of understanding what my past had done to me and how it now reflects with us

and it’s been hard and i’ve cried a lot i’ve still felt alone a lot even after his incredible love support and reassurance

but it started to click

i needed to self sooth and when i started taking more time to get back to myself we grew closer

and that was amazing and my nervous system is so peaceful

i also got to meet his cousin israel yesterday — he is very close to him and his family and i meshed really well

i just fit into his life like a missing puzzle piece just by being myself

do you know how great that feels?

and blaine antonios best friend — the safety i feel with them im telling you its like God sent me the bonus pack

i had the thought last night like wow this is starting to feel like a whole real support system again and i care about these people

eventually blaine will also hopefully meet a woman and we can do sick double dates

but i am enjoying feeling like I have 2 boyfriends because blaine takes just as good care of me as antonio does out of respect for antonio of course and his love for me

i do hope blaine meets a girl soon tho-

[stonerparty]

[deliriumxtrigger]

oooo my man.

his mom and i hung out and did a thrift and food and coffee date this woman spoils me— his mom and fiance are well off not wealthy but very comfortable

and she insists all the time on paying for EVErYTHInG —- I do step in and take control when i can but she’s sneaky

anyway.. i really got to know a lot more about his mom this trip and she’s a lot like me in her character she’s like the healed version of my mother she’s done so much work on herself and has healed herself to be better for her and her son

and this sweet woman, starts crying and thanking me for what I have brought out in antonio— she said before me she was worried about him and wasn’t sure what to do and she said the way you love him has changed him and i am so thankful for that i started tearing up too and i was like omg— this family really is fuckin serious these people actually like me i have found my fucking people all the prayers and work i’ve done on myself and everything i’ve survived

i am living my dream in real time — stack in a successful career in fashion and i think i would need to stop talking

and antonio oh he cares for me so good— brings me things (like my hot tea before bed) while i’m editing videos kisses me in between isles and loves me like no man before him could

it’s a match

[tendernxss]

humming // turnover

[stonerparty]

[elliot-amy]

Behind the scenes photos from Malignant (2021)

[deliriumxtrigger]

antonio has earned my 100 percent trust after the last 5 days

i said i’m going to

fully let him in spirals and all

if we collide or he can’t handle

it then we are not

compatible i still have my independence so i logically made the decision to let myself loose and put my faith in him

i had realized that i spent a lot of the earlier months doing what i do best handling myself instead of

letting him in and ya know something incredible happened

he leaned in even further ….if that’s possible

the man spent his lunch break rushing around to

bring me a plate of fresh food with 15 min to

spare fed me asked me about out my stressful day and tucked my hair behind my ear and affirmed us living together

we are creating a safe reciprocal space of love and understanding .. i can’t wait to do the dishes for him and bring him an energy drink and give him all the love and relaxation tonight —- i’m so ready to

move in with him

i also watched how he moves around suspect women long story but yea he moves toward me cares for

me shamelessly and shuts other women down relentlessly but politely ugh i’ve never seen such incredible masculine energy in my life

he is the sexiest man i’ve ever dated i can not wait to give him children

[deliriumxtrigger]

can i just hope and pray all my dreams are coming true ? for once in my life can i hit the absolute jackpot?

this man this man this man this man

this man.

i can’t even explain to you how much he turns me on

the fact that he’s been a not so good person “an avoidant” a true one , if you will. and i’ve been the anxious type but also a not so good person and this man said hey im gonna work on myself , in gonna become a better person actively and consciously after my past mistakes and somehow the universe brought us together ?

oof. trust me my incognito audience …

i have pry ed apart every nook and cranny on this man

i have tested asked given space set boundaries and held firm in my needs

i have broken down talked logistics and even gave him my most vulnerable bits and somehow somehow naturally and quite beautifully we move closer to one another

i can’t explain to you how much i already love this man

i’ve said from the beginning. this could kill me.

this could break me .

i’ve used every ounce of my entire being to trust and love this man without destroying what he wants to build with me , hell what we want to build together

i mean he’s so good , he’s such a sweet boy

he listens and his best friend is always bragging to me that he says he misses me in front of him and his best friend is like a a second boyfriend to me he treats me like a princess these boys follow me around like i know what i’m doing it’s sorta funny and cute but i feel very protected and i try to bask in it

but anyway

that’s besides the point i love that his mom welcomes me like their family she has a picture us in the center of her mantle for God sake, his best friend has spoken nothing but highly of me in Antonio’s defense and of antonio’s character

and i am able to just talk to him i am able to lay down my armor cry sometimes pull him close and tell him i need him to be there for me and he is he is he is

every time he’s never once since the day we’ve met bailed flaked or made excuses NOT to be by my side

he reiterates how gorgeous i am that i am a catch and how the women in Florida where he’s from are super hot and how in comparison i stack — quote “you are an absolute gorgeous woman”

and i just can’t see it — i’ve felt ugly and disgusting since around when andrew left i am starting to see the beauty slowly.., maybe every day he calls me his pretty girl and gives me loving kisses all over my face and i can’t even fathom this boy is real

i know he’s human believe me i see it every day his clumsy words his lack of discipline his avoidant tendencies i see them all but he always returns to me and our repair omg our repair after every fight or disagreement we come closer we don’t yell we talk he is able to tell me his needs and i am able to tell him what i need and we inch closer — ive never felt this deep with anyone not intimately, emotionally, physically, spiritually all of it,,, not like this

not like this. i think this may be a once in a lifetime thing and bet my ass i’ll die fighting for it

it’s who i am and its who ill always be