panic posts from poland

lyrical self / defense

[delulucie]

Velvet valley

I wish I could be

certain as rain

Wearing pain

like jewerly

But lately I've been tired

don't call me strong

I might have just one try

left running long

Grief gathers

like mist at dawn,

carrying on

long after its gone

Break rocks

what if you find

no crystal behind

and still ask why

still ask why

I climb

maybe I make it

to a velvet valley

and drift away

[delulucie]

Wires are so real

there is a tale of

an alien walking grass

in big heavy rain boots

or just perhaps

he knows he needs

an umbrella an ocean

a devotion a call to

somewhere worth motion

a happy creature

one that depends

and dives, resurface

as version fully cleansed

this isn't a pond

this is still algae

with wires so real

they teach distortion and

to heal

[delulucie]

Orbital Gardener

You reach the sun

I circle my moon

will we break arc

all too soon

Remember my replication -

mirror-inverted,

decalcomania picture,

comets sear pockets.

I cut the flower

as it grows

prove me orbits gardener

as if i chose

[delulucie]

Some, entirely

Necklets deprived, rules of gravity

heat-radiating collarbone

love is no, love is all triviality

Just pray, be as pleases

Pouring her, create

Falling to pieces

Every version I ought to be

The auto-piled secrets

dismantled body

Just change, aggregate

eye-rolled moan

shivers capsule-shaped

cutting up pears

beg, receive s/pit

let go of fears

bow blank cheque

[delulucie]

Flesh & Paste

Echoed bathrooms

elicit fear

They break the volumes

of what you bear

The floor simmers

endless wheatpaste

there are no winners

in memories erased

I peel my skin

like old wallpaper

I scratch what I've been -

the ugliest curator

[delulucie]

Read red among flowers

Stand where you can see the door,

read bodies - faces make you late.

On clotheslines, summerdress secrets wore

a frigid fabric of creeping wait.

The after folds: it shall not have been,

but into crease, someone was weaved in.

Will it matter for ages or only hours,

wonders the stoic darling, still as kept.

She prowls the meadow to collect flowers,

sets muddy unrest where nothing's slept.

Broken bottles serves décor on the shelf,

while the house's silence collect itself.

The hallway stills; the walls feel oddly fed,

pain against words go thickening the arc.

She needs to see her blood, to read it red,

and separate the living from the dark.

It bickers through skin she draged outside,

it pools on tiles; won't sort or devide.

A home learns to pass as tame,

and answers every call as name.

[delulucie]

Of all places, i had to sit in front of a hip pizza restaurant, when my Mum began to speak about what burdened her heart and occupied her mind. Now it soughs through my organism too. My favourite happy song of all time, 'Hate it or Love it' by the Game, played from the music box and i heard it dying in my ears.

There are some things that sequence time in a before and after. I was immediatly afraid for my future self as I knew she would have no way of going back. My body became porous and I kept thinking 'it happens too often, it happens to too many'. I cried. I became every woman and our pain.

I want to scream in anger so that every knife and every fork stopps moving. When my mother pulled the trigger, there was no sound. The restaurant become an anechoic chamber.

Are we truly breaking silence or are women forming secrecy alliances? Adapting harrowingly in the shrunken space of the aftermaths that men count on we will live in from now on. What happened to you? What did our fathers, friends and oncles do? Wait, if you are hurting, who holds the torch now?

We are picking up our pieces and find the missing ones in each other. And it is devistating.

[delulucie]

A sculptures sacrifice

There is layer upon layer of clouds

forming the firmest grey

I hear her when she howls

from insides marble stone of Antigone

She puts the chisel to my temple

Who keeps track of sculptured attempts

To shape emotions, make them segmental

until Achlys movements are condemned

Sisyphos shadows bleed

I have been flesh biting

There is no real hierarchy of needs

There is pure fear, and hiding

[delulucie]

Paper Skys

The promise of the sky

is never true

it does have an end

and it’s drained of blue

I fold into myself

the way paper turns to crease

I'm trying to be smaller

Just to feel at ease

Reach for the stars

In nights where clouds flew

I will doubt myself

and then I'll doubt you too

[delulucie]

Monsters margins

I breathe in time to hold it captive in my lungs,

hope i'll disappear in the nameless margins

where a second yet becomes

There I see the upside down’s most patient contestant

monsters rest calmy on my bed, and they look expectant.

Haven't they seen my whole wingspan white flag?

Haven't they heard some things were meant to be unsaid?

Quiet now, you may pull out the box of building bricks,

come play with me in the dusty rug's eclipse.

Fallen castles: build me from them as if I were Lego

Are we more or less than the sum of what we let go?

[delulucie]

Venus in Libra is a Fortunate Moment

To Heal Your Wounds with Love

As Restlessness has been to Shove

The Sorrow of Having a Home Opponent

All People That on Earth Do Dwell

I Sing the Hymn a Hundred Times

In Hope that you May Listen Twice

No Stardust Traverses Every Cell

[delulucie]

Lunch is the saddest meal of the day and October is beautiful. It should come around twice but it doesn’t. Some things are singular. I think of you always even if people tell me I shouldn’t.

I have my keys and I have my lunch and I have feelings for you.

People say ‘I have love for you’ when they mean to say ‘I love you’. Things are pressed in possessions. You can loose your keys or you can loose your love so i fear the difference. I hope you won’t.

[delulucie]

Marianas Fault

we meet at places without air

beneath our language lies an ocean

you brush a hand across my face

you stir a decade back in motion

each touch approaches fault lines

i wait quietly on the porches bench

ask 'can our tectonic plates merge'

to settle home, in Marianas Trench

we ease an embrace, not the tension

again, my deep sea creature wakes

i trace the weight of your fervor

with your smile, my ground shakes

i dig in your abysses

break up soil to stir in dust and secrets

i hold them up against the light

found copper-bleeding grief in seagrass

will you follow my wrecks patterns

see the web that kept you near

i am never worth the risk and pain

i proved myself the thing i fear

[delulucie]

I don't think of kissing you that often

I met you in the summer when i swear that year began

I don't ever wonder what you're doing

Not everyday, not in cars, not in rain, not in blue eyes of candle flames

No space on my skin makes me think of you

No i don't think of kissing you

So i don't think of anything

[delulucie]

The Trap Door

Mother Mary, may I whisper low

do you hear my quiet plea?

Between the oaken ribs I go,

the walls breathe slow around me.

The wood is wet, the candles lean,

I kneel where faith and flesh have been.

Mary, press me into dust,

teach me sins that taste like prayer.

Unlace me softly, if you must,

let incense cling to open air.

The choir hums, their notes confess

what honey lips did not adress.

M, can you guess the riddles that I keep?

A thousand doors behind my skin.

I feared the last would open deep,

and pull the light from where I’ve been.

Yet, you stand high and preach to all:

"She is not broken. No trap to fall".

So in the hush, when silence came

I found no demons, only flame.

[delulucie]

The Syrens Song

I devote myself to being your harbour

to anchor your drift and steady your tide.

I dive too deep, the water grows darker,

and lose the shape I was meant to provide.

My swimming lessons carved in youth,

learned to submerge when the surface betrayed.

Devotion became the cover of my truth,

I vanish before I can ever be stayed.

You mirror me back as you pull from the rope,

"save the current", it is the same undertow.

Is this tug-of-war abundance or absence of hope?

What keeps us returning if neither can grow?

The tides disclose what we had hoped to forget

At last, we cannot toss an ocean for a flame.

No commitments map has ever been set

as a wish and a will are not the same.

[delulucie]

In this exact moment, i think, you might be lying next to your boyfriend while i am hanging over this toilette bowl. Vomiting the words i were unable to express earlier, i am sorry.

Just yesterday you cried on my chest and you were so ashemed for it. Please, i should have said, don't be. Take me to your ugly places, i am not afraid, i can handle them, they are still beautiful to me.

The tiles are cold so i crawl on the fleece mat. A little island where everything else is tottering. I don't know if i have another round in me and start brushing my teeth. I wish i could cry, too. But my pain is mechanic.

'My heart has swollen double to its size, i try to make its heaviness my prize. All too soon its gonna decompress, and I am scared of it falling back to emptyness.'

I versify and reckon that there is a giant moth at my ceiling. So it is a good thing you aren't, right? 'cause you are so afraid of them. A quirk i adore, of course.

I try to make my way through the thick lanes. Why can i not ever think of anything substantial? it's my fault, it's not that deep, it's not my fault, it is deep. Circles circles, only monkeys in my head. This is me getting into that delirium you reach when you are out of inner body fluids, but have them smeered all over you at the outside, your nose and eyes and hands, and chest. bah.

Alright then, i should go to bed and sleep my peace. There is reassurance, i realize, as i did this to myself. now there is at least one desicion i can not deny was mine.