PuzzleboxOfSelfishness

A place for someone with no one to keep all the secrets they have no one to tell Journal for a weary heart that loved too much and was far too dumb to survive it.

[dementedlittlelove]

And so begins a scream into the void

Another one, none too special

The void is filled with so many screams

So many horrible voices crying out in agony

And here’s one more.

It started loud because it was not the first one

Rather many built up like a sediment in the soul

Then, a big wind came and urged all the sediment

The weight

The dust

Forward in a big motion

Releasing the scream

Releasing the diseases in the dirt

Releasing every horrible thing till the screamer was empty and had nothing left to carry on with.

[angelnumber27]

Just saw someone say “over communicating is a form of begging”

take me out back and shoot me like a lame horse

[dementedlittlelove]

I want you all to myself

I know I shouldn’t tell

I know it’s unhealed and it’s toxic as hell

I know that we’ll go down in history books as therapy terms

And trigger words

I know I’ll never give you peace because I haven’t got any

I know I talk plenty

I know my eyes are so much bigger than my stomach that my head pounds

I know how it all sounds

I know I can’t change the agreement I made

I know there’s dues to be paid

But I want you

Unquestionably and unconditionally devoting yourself to me and only me

Without any question

Without any lesson

Without curiosity of what lies beyond my nest

I want you best

In a way I had but may never again

I want the confusion to end

I want you to worship me fully once more

I never thought I couldn’t close this door

I thought it was a garden

It was Hell.

[dementedlittlelove]

There’s a fire in 505

The neighbors cannot put it out.

It’s inside, picking and choosing which things to consume, the most final form of destruction an item can endure

Its tendrils lick around the battered window frame, reaching for the source of its bulging presence, out for anyone who dares try to put it to sleep.

A few houses down a girl is sleeping.

She does not know of the memories being erased as the fire takes its penance

She is unaware of the crumbling structure underneath the fire, a great wet splash of sparks with each fallen beam

She can only feel the warm glow and perceive it to be something safe and kind

She will never understand the price of her warm feelings

Or the family that had to lose everything to give them to her

And when the fire is out she will rise and dress and say

“Such a shame. I didn’t really know them well.”

[dementedlittlelove]

Living without breathing is like embodying a question

It’s like falling without landing

Living without breathing is painful

It’s feeling anything but hunger as you starve

It’s taking your time thinking about the most painful parts

It’s drowning in slow motion

Living without breathing makes my eyes feel like exploding

As if I press my fingers deep enough into them they may crack my skull

It’s feeling like my lungs are bent locker doors

rusted for a long time

Barely opening halfway

Forgotten

You forgot my lungs when you left me here

In the place with no air

Deep down in the dark

Where I live without breathing.

[dementedlittlelove]

[dementedlittlelove]

I feel so lonely even next to you

How do I tell you that you’re a haunted house

How do I let you know the lights are on in the rooms with no people

How do I say your skin is a roof with loose shingles

How do I let you know the porch is rife with loose boards

The yard rife with loose snakes

How to say that all the mirrors are cracked

Reflecting the wrong images like a carousel around my head when I look into them

The places where my picture frames hung are all moved and some missing

And everything feels wrong

Wrong

Wrong

And I can’t trust that this is even the same house

Cause the footsteps in some halls

Aren’t even mine

And the locks were always a little broken.

[butch-ramblings]

(flirting) I could worship you in ways that would make churches look useless.

[dementedlittlelove]

Her thin wet lips

And large shiny forehead

Haunt me

Her gaunt body that wanted to touch my nest

Shiny, bulging nose

And European teeth

That cut through my layers into my softest safest space

The grease from her body on my inner sanctum walls

A smell like a cockroach

Too sweet

And all wrong.

[dementedlittlelove]

The forest had no room for my ghosts today

The corspe of Autumn frozen almost eternally in the glass-like water

Filling the lake with the swell of rot and rebirth

No room for my burdenous ghosts or vivid waking nightmares

So through the woods I walked

Pain and Fear on my back like a pack haphazardly assembled with non-essentials

Well, I could never really be sure what was essential now

The lesson of the pain

Or the infection of the fear?

[dementedlittlelove]

When you say

You’re still curious

About what it would be like to rip your needy claws into my sacred space for fun

My absence essential as you ponder what it must be like to satiate the hunger with someone far less filling

It puts the taste of metal in my mouth

Rusts my chest in rapid blooms

And permanently stains me everywhere you ever wanted to touch her

[dementedlittlelove]

I have so many fucking regrets. I am the stupidest creature alive. I can’t believe I was so fucking demented and psychotic about my entire life. I really feel like my brain has been compromised and I’m scared. I’m losing everything I thought I’d always have. I’m too old to lose everything. I spent so much of my life with nothing.

[dementedlittlelove]

I fucked my whole life up.

My brain betrayed me. For years it made me think I was repressing something.

Nothing felt right. Even the good things felt unearned and foreign to me. I couldn’t recognize the thing my life lacked and thought my own desires could show me the way.

Like a child who craves a snack for its nutrients.

It all seemed so simple in my head; give half of what was mine up, and in exchange I would find half of what was missing. I don’t know how the math made sense at the time, but I was ready to make a little room in my life for a little room out there in the world.

It started to get complicated when I realized the world didn’t want to make room for me.

For two years I spent my life at the center of a bustling intersection, trying to figure out by observing the people walking through it which direction I was supposed to go, exactly. Everyone seemed so sure of where they were going.

About a year in I realized that no, no one knew which way they were walking. Some people were going only a few steps one way just to retrace and end up further in the other direction than they were.

This was not me. I knew which direction I wanted to go.

I just didn’t know how to get there.

Meanwhile, I did my best to support my own support in all this, who didn’t seem to understand why we had to go in any direction at all. They suffered and none too silently, but ultimately every time They let the suffering change and grow a part of themselves that was stuck for years prior.

So it couldn’t be all bad right? Even though neither of us could figure out which way to go, we were still going up. Together.

Well, recently, I realized that I didn’t want to be in the intersection anymore. I was exhausted trying to keep us together as people rudely rushed by, knocking us over and making us lose little things we were holding on to. Some of those things needed to go, sure. But some of them were mine.

I figured it was simple; turn to Them, and tell Them; it’s enough, you don’t have to suffer. Please, let’s step out of this busy place and go home. I want to go home.

They’d smile so big and start glowing again. I was so ready for that.

But when I turned, I saw a very surprising sight.

For starters, they were already glowing again. Very slightly, but still a glow.

Devastatingly enough, they were halfway down one of the streets in the intersection. Following someone I didn’t even really see rush past. A gentle smile on their face as they looked back at me, expecting me to be proud.

I froze in place. I let every single thing rushing through the intersection crash into me. It hurt so much it brought me to my knees where I stayed for days. I was alone.