#confessional writing

[destiny-swope]

Two Things Can Be True at Once

By: Destiny Swope

this is probably the most vulnerable thing i’ve ever published. I wrote it for anyone who has ever felt like their grief makes their decision less valid, or like they have to simplify their feelings to make other people comfortable.

[destiny-swope]

The Trial:

every morning

my brain drags me into a courtroom

where i am somehow

the defendant,

the prosecutor,

the witness,

and the crime.

the evidence is laughable.

a thought

i never asked for.

a feeling that arrived

three seconds too late.

the way my hand hesitated

over the stove.

the balcony.

the medicine bottle.

the jury is against me

i spend the day

trying to prove

i am innocent

to people

that only exist

inside my own skull.

i call old memories

to the stand.

i replay conversations

until they lose their names.

i confess to things

i have never done

just to hear

someone tell me

i’m still good.

but reassurance

is a verdict

written in pencil.

by tomorrow morning

the courtroom is open again.

sometimes

i wonder

what my life would’ve looked like

if every beautiful thing

wasn’t immediately followed

by a cross examination.

if love

didn’t require fingerprints.

if happiness

didn’t have to survive

an interrogation.

i don’t think my brain

wants to hurt me.

i think it’s a smoke alarm

that forgot

what fire smells like.

so now

it screams

at burnt toast.

at strangers.

at silence.

at the people

i would die protecting.

and somewhere

beneath all the sirens,

there is still me,

waiting

for the judge

to finally dismiss

a case

that never should’ve gone to court.

[destiny-swope]

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[destiny-swope]

here’s a little something I wrote the night of my 23rd birthday

————————————————————————

twenty two taught me that love isn't proven by how much I endure. that staying isn't the same as being chosen. that I can walk away without becoming cruel.

it taught me that some friendships were meant to hold me for a season, not a lifetime, and that letting go

is not the same as failing.

twenty two taught me

that my emotions are not too much, they were just asking for safety. that I am not broken for feeling deeply, for needing reassurance,

for wanting to be seen all the way.

it taught me how to sit with myself in the quiet after everything falls apart. how to name my patterns without hating myself for having them. how strength can look like rest, like asking for help, like choosing treatment instead of pretending i'm fine.

twenty two showed me that healing is not linear

that some days surviving is the win, and some days joy sneaks in without asking permission.

and now i'm stepping into twenty three not fully healed, but honest. not fearless,

but brave enough to begin again.

twenty three,

i'm ready to learn how to love myself without punishment. ready to build friendships that feel safe,

ready to choose my body, my mind, and my future.

i'm ready to stay.

I'm ready to try.

I'm ready to grow.

here's to twenty three.

[thewaythingslinger]

I’ve known him for years, he was my best friend. One night, we were at the park, smoking, just being us. And just for a moment, it felt like nothing else in the world existed. Like two souls had melted into one. There had always been something between us but we never allowed ourselves to speak of it. Until that night, sitting in the front seat of his car.

He was staring at me, so I laughed nervously before asking, “What? Do I have something on my face?” He wasted no time, he looked me right in the eyes and said, “It’s always been you. Since the moment I met you all those years ago, I knew you were going to be it for me.” I was in shock, I didn’t know what to say. So i laughed it off, “seriously?” I asked. “I’ve never been more serious in my life” he said, as he looked down.

I paused, not knowing what to say. It was out of nowhere. Part of me tried to explain it away. Maybe he was just high or his girlfriend was being rude again. Even though I felt the same way, I didn’t think admitting it then was right.

Because the second he said it, reality came rushing back in— our lives, our choices, our partners, everything that was waiting for us outside that moment. We both went quiet after that, trying to figure out how to talk around what had just been said, as if saying anything else could somehow make it less awkward.

We still laughed together for the rest of the night. Kind of like we were trying to hold onto what we’d always been to each other, it seemed better than the thought of losing one another. But something had shifted. After he said that, we both knew we could never go back to the way things were.

I knew it was wrong. He had been my husband’s friend first, he had a girlfriend who i did really like. We were all really good friends, so I didn’t say it back. I couldn’t, saying it back would mean we blow up everything we’ve all built over the last several years.

I had wanted him for all those years, and for whatever reason, he wanted me too. I never expected him to feel the same way. But by the time we finally did admit it, it was too late.

So we let our lives go on instead and stayed friends, sharing stolen glances, inside jokes, all the little things that made me love him more.

And now, after years of saying nothing, the truth had finally come out but at the worst time.

I didn’t want the night to end. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was thinking of what we could’ve been if we had just been honest sooner.

Before I got out of the car, I finally said, “I’ve always wanted you too.” I could hear the smile in his voice when he said “You expect me to let you leave after you tell me something like that?” We then laughed together for a second, somehow we ended up holding hands.

Realizing it was really late, I then stepped out of the car and I could feel him watching me as I walked back into the life I had created for myself.

I love my husband, but I don’t know if I would’ve chosen this life if I’d known he wanted me too.

[anobodyfamous]

I left rehab

I left my rehab facility today. I felt like it was right thing for me to do. I wanted to use first and foremost, that i wont be shy to admit. But i needed certain things for me to succeed in this process. I need Co-ed, badly. I dont relate to men. I don't have much in common with men, we cant chop shit up like i can with a female or even my gays for that matter. For me on this journey safety comes first. the roads already long and lonely and I wont compromise it for the sake of sobriety when i have so many other things to NOT try and question. So yes, im high. And yes im proud of it. I will see better days and ill be able to truly enjoy them when i dont settle just because it looks good on paper. Faulty wires but not broken.

[dementedlittlelove]

I want you all to myself

I know I shouldn’t tell

I know it’s unhealed and it’s toxic as hell

I know that we’ll go down in history books as therapy terms

And trigger words

I know I’ll never give you peace because I haven’t got any

I know I talk plenty

I know my eyes are so much bigger than my stomach that my head pounds

I know how it all sounds

I know I can’t change the agreement I made

I know there’s dues to be paid

But I want you

Unquestionably and unconditionally devoting yourself to me and only me

Without any question

Without any lesson

Without curiosity of what lies beyond my nest

I want you best

In a way I had but may never again

I want the confusion to end

I want you to worship me fully once more

I never thought I couldn’t close this door

I thought it was a garden

It was Hell.

[dementedlittlelove]

There’s a fire in 505

The neighbors cannot put it out.

It’s inside, picking and choosing which things to consume, the most final form of destruction an item can endure

Its tendrils lick around the battered window frame, reaching for the source of its bulging presence, out for anyone who dares try to put it to sleep.

A few houses down a girl is sleeping.

She does not know of the memories being erased as the fire takes its penance

She is unaware of the crumbling structure underneath the fire, a great wet splash of sparks with each fallen beam

She can only feel the warm glow and perceive it to be something safe and kind

She will never understand the price of her warm feelings

Or the family that had to lose everything to give them to her

And when the fire is out she will rise and dress and say

“Such a shame. I didn’t really know them well.”