Today was very uneventful. I spent it listening to Bach concertos and reading more Harry Potter fanfiction. My roommate went home last night, so Iāve had the room to myself today. Even though it gets quiet when weāre working, itās always slightly jarring to witness the silence when heās gone, so accustomed have I become to how loud he is.
After I wrote yesterdayās entry, my roommateās ROTC buddies came by and we played Cards Against Humanity. Being my first time playing, I hadnāt known just what kinds of crazy things come up in that game. My roommateās friends being who they are, it was quite the experience for a first-time player. Fun though. Itās always good to see them, even if the shenanigans are sometimes a bit much.
Today, I meditated for the first time in quite a while. As I write this, I feel significantly calmer than I have for weeks, months even. I meditated for 10 minutes straight, which surprises me. It used to be that Iād open my eyes at least once or twice in the middle of the session for some reason or another -- not today, as I didnāt do so until I heard my alarm signalling the end of ten minutes. Iām sure that this will help me as I seek to regain control of my emotional side.
Additionally, it seems that meditation helps me control my eczema response. During the entire session, I felt not a single itch as I focused on my breathing. Unfortunately, the sensation has returned as I write.
Finally, I feel conflicted. Iāve been single effectively forever. There was one girl in my junior year of high school, but that wasnāt really a relationship. She really just wanted a hand to hold, as all my other friends tried to tell me. Did sixteen-year-old me listen? No, of course not. Things were unsteady -- on and off and on and so on, and even then, we hardly spent any time together, her being a year my senior and thus busier with school. She was my first kiss, and I canāt even recall what it felt like, though that might be the fault of depression mucking with my memory. To be fair, though, thatās all that really happened. Make no mistake, we had become good friends, and we did talk. We talked, supported each other if needed, and shared some kisses. We hardly spent time together in person, however.
That ārelationship,ā dare I call it that, ended more poorly than one could hope for, and I have not spoken to myĀ āexā since we broke up approximately four years ago. And now we get to the root of the matter. Iām twenty years old, more than halfway through college, and hardly interact with people my age, much less ladies my age. Part of that is social anxiety, and another is this fight between the emotional and logical parts of my mind. My emotional side feels the discomfort of loneliness, longing for affection, and my logical side, fueled by my social anxiety, tells me that Iām better off keeping to myself. Notice the wording -- keeping to myself, the connotation of which is that this is all voluntary. Is fear considered voluntary?
I donāt see myself ever having children, or even a partner. It just feels off.
To add to this, I find myself conflicted regarding intimate physical touch. At times, I crave nothing more than to be held by someone who cares about me. At the same time, Iāve noticed that I canāt stand being touched. I can barely tolerate having my hair cut, something that previously did not bother me. I find myself shrinking away, and am all too glad when the haircut is over. Even hugging my own mother feels uncomfortable at times, and I donāt know why -- thank whatever gods there are that my father and I typically shake hands, if anything; my mother hates that fact about both of us.
I feel almost certain that, were I in an intimate relationship of some kind, with anyone, it would soon crumble due to this fact.
Distance just feels so natural for me, and yet it causes such anguish and confusion. I havenāt any idea what to do.
