(Not) loving you
This fic was created for the Shadowhunters Mini Bang 2025: Presented by the @malecdiscordserver
@fictionalrambles made this lovely graphic for my fic, and dreamrabbit was my dear beta.
Many thanks go out to @carry-on-my-waywardshadowhunter, who was always there for me when I needed to vent a little. Thank you so much, my dear 🥰
If you'd like to read it on Ao3, you can find the first chapter here.
Fandoms: Shadowhunters (TV)
Warnings: Rated T.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood x Magnus Bane
Words: 17,086
Chapters: 4/4
Summary:
Alec bowed to his mother's wishes and followed her to LA shortly after finally making it big as a singer. He vowed never to return to NYC until Aldertree left him no other choice.
He could never have imagined what such a concert would set in motion.
I've included chapter 1 below. You can find the other chapters here:
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 1 - Vibrant Vibes Under the Skyline
“Look, you can argue all you want, but this will happen. This isn’t up for discussion, the decision has been made,” Aldertree explained firmly, leaving no room for argument. “We've already booked the arena. The deal is a given.”
Alec's jaw tightened, muscles working furiously as he tried to control the anger that was beginning to seep through his veins.
“Well, then, cancel it, Aldertree, because I won't be performing in New York. You can call the place and say it's a misunderstanding, a clerical error, whatever! I'm not going to do it.”
The thought of performing in New York City, of all places, sent a shiver of fear down his spine, which turned into a wave of pure, unadulterated panic that threatened to engulf him. He began to pace up and down the room, his long strides consuming the confined space, shaking his hands in a futile attempt to quell the rising fear.
Alec knew that if he continued to resist appearing in New York, his mother would interfere in his affairs, and he wanted to avoid that at all costs.
This was confirmed when Aldertree revealed, “Alec, this has all been organized in consultation with your mother. The idea to host your closing concert in New York was hers. I would prefer not to have to deal with the consequences that would arise if we were to cancel it at this point.”
Defeated, he finally flopped onto his chair, his shoulders slumped under the weight of the inevitable, and he muttered, “Fine. I'll do it.” The acknowledgment felt like a surrender, leaving him hollow and vulnerable.
Aldertree, oblivious to the maelstrom raging inside Alec, patted him jovially on the back and almost made him fall out of his chair. “Excellent! That's the right approach, Alec! It'll do you good, give you a chance to shine, and show everyone what you're capable of. Lydia will go through all the details with you, including logistics and preparations. She'll make sure everything runs smoothly.” With that, Aldertree strode out of the room, leaving Alec behind, trapped like a fly in a spider's web.
Lydia, ever calm and pragmatic, reached across the table and took his hands in hers. Her touch was cool and steady, a stark contrast to the chaotic energy bubbling inside him. He lifted his head wearily, his eyes heavy with a mixture of fear and resignation, and propped his chin on the table in a gesture of utter exhaustion. He met her gaze, searching for a flicker of understanding, any sign that she understood the depth of his discomfort.
“I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think, Alec. You're fantastic. And New York is your hometown. People will be happy to have you performing for them.” Her words were meant to be comforting, but they did little to loosen the knot in his stomach. They were logical and well-intentioned, but they couldn't break through the wall of fear that had settled around his heart. He knew New York, but the idea of performing there, of exposing himself to that crowd and being vulnerable, terrified him. He was used to playing in big arenas, but he had avoided New York for good reason.
The thing he feared most, of course, was the possibility of Magnus standing in the crowd.
❣
Alec had successfully avoided playing in New York for five years for good reason, but, as Lydia said, it was his birthplace.
And she was right, of course, she was right, but New York was so much more than that.
When Alec decided to leave New York to start over in LA and make it as a singer, he vowed never to return.
At the time, however, he’d had no idea how successful he would become.
He hadn't chosen to turn his back on his old life. No, on the contrary, he had practically been forced to leave it behind.
Whenever he thought about the days before giving in to his mother's demands, he could hear her voice echoing in his head, repeating the insults and threats she had hurled at him, “Who would even give a chance to a faggot like you? And just so you know, you'll only get our support if you stop this idiotic nonsense.”
Sitting here in the Green Room of Madison Square Garden, he was still deciding if he should perform or just call it all off. The thought of stepping onto this stage, in the city where it all started, sent a shiver down his spine.
He'd built a life and a career in L.A., even if he couldn’t be himself, with the ghosts of his past hanging over him like a shadow. Here in New York, the ghosts felt all the more real.
As he tried to focus on the setlist for the concert in his mind, the memories came flooding back. The stuffy apartments that echoed with laughter and tears, the nights spent dreaming under fluorescent lights, the moments when hope felt like a distant star.
Alec couldn’t ignore how much New York meant to him forever.
“Maybe it's not just about facing my past,” Alec thought. “Maybe it's also about claiming my future.”
He picked up his guitar with slightly shaking hands and strummed a few chords, the sound echoing through the room as if calling to the younger version of himself that had once dared to dream big.
He thought about how far he'd come since he'd left New York: sold-out concerts all over the globe and awards piling up on his shelf. But none of it was as important as this moment right now.
With one last deep breath, Alec decided: it was not only time for a concert but for an honest reunion with himself - and perhaps even a reconciliation with his past.
❣
After the final song on the setlist, as he stood on stage, soaked in sweat and looked around at the sea of faces in the crowd, he couldn't help but feel that the concert had been an absolute triumph. The energy was electrifying, and the audience was buzzing with excitement, literally begging for one more encore. Alec could see their outstretched hands and hear their loud cheers - he was more than happy to please them with another round of music that night.
But then something caught his eye - a familiar sight amidst all the chaos. There he was - the man he had left behind in New York when he was practically forced to choose his career before their relationship. At the front of the crowd stood Magnus, a striking figure next to Catarina, who was equally fascinated by what they were seeing. Magnus exuded calm like a rock; he remained motionless while everyone around him bubbled over with excitement and joy.
His presence brought a wave of memories to Alec - memories full of laughter shared dreams, and unspoken words that hung in the air between them.
As the cheers echoed around him, Alec felt a strange mixture of joy and trepidation. Having spent countless nights on stage, pouring his heart into every note, there was nothing that could have ever prepared him for this moment. Seeing Magnus again after all this time set off a whirlwind of emotions in him - regret mixed with nostalgia and an undeniable spark that made his heart race. Alec let his fingers glide over the strings of his guitar as he thought about their past.
The night air was thick with anticipation; he could either dive back into the music or take a leap to something much more personal. Taking a deep breath, he decided to address the audience one last time before launching into another song, “Thank you guys so much! Thank you so much for coming tonight!” Again, the audience erupted in cheers.
❣
As the seconds stretched out, Alec experienced jitters dancing in the pit of his stomach, technically a familiar pre-show sensation, but this time with an unfamiliar edge. “One more song,” he thought, suddenly, in an unstoppable wave. “Just one more. Whatever it takes.” The thought of the hoarse voice that would come tomorrow, the likely unstoppable torment, faded in the face of this overwhelming urge.
It wasn't a question, not a consideration, just an instinct. He spun toward the band and filled them in. Then, the turn to the microphone, a short, brief nod to the band, that barely noticeable sign that nevertheless set the avalanche in motion, the cold metal contact, an anchor in the rising tide of emotion.
The cheers erupted, a roaring sound that deafened him for a moment. He clutched the microphone tightly as if holding onto a ledge.
“The song... this song is for him.”
The realization had struck him like a bolt of lightning when he spotted Magnus in the crowd. There, among the blurred faces, the familiar profile, the unmistakable look. It hadn't been a conscious decision, but more an uncontrollable surge of emotions that had been suppressed for years.
“Now or never”, he thought to himself. It was his chance to say the words that had always stuck in his throat in the past. His chance to mend the rifts in their life that he had helped to create. He searched Magnus' gaze, clinging to it. In those dark brown eyes, he searched desperately for a shred of understanding, a sign of forgiveness.
“This song... this song is dedicated to a very special person,” he said, his voice rough but firm. Magnus' eyes widened slightly, a hint of surprise flitting across his face. Then the music. The first chords crashed against his chest like waves.
“Let him understand,” Alec pleaded in the silence of his mind. Every note, every syllable should be a bridge, built of regret and hope. A path that led across the painful chasm he had carelessly created. With every line, he sang the unsaid, the unspeakable. He poured all the love, the fear, the guilt, and the silent plea for forgiveness into his voice. This was not just a song. It was a desperate plea. A last chance.
❣
Just turned twenty-two
I just took down all of the posters we put up in my room
That red Ferrari roster that's parked up on that view
I'll never make it to the moon and back and maybe I'm okay with that
It's cool, it's cool
The crowd fell silent. He had never played this song before, at least never in front of a live audience. But the reaction from his fans was indescribable, and it was as if he was floating on clouds.
Going through pictures I should throw away
And my heart stopped when I saw your face
'Cause the photograph of the two of us
Is the teenage dream I can't give up
Said goodbye to the dreams I chase
Guess life is hard when you're awake
Don't care if none of those dreams come true
Not even for a second did he take his eyes off Magnus, and the longer he sang, the stronger the feeling became that only he and Magnus existed at that moment.
He neither heard the roar of the crowd, which had erupted after he had sung the first two verses, nor experienced the soreness in his limbs. He only got to be aware of the pounding of his heart and the rushing of his ears as he sang, keeping his gaze fixed on Magnus.
But I always regret not loving you
From now until the day I die
I'll always regret, regret not loving you
From now until the day I die
I'll always regret, regret not loving you
A solitary tear rolled down Alec's cheek as he watched shock play out over Magnus’s face. Where before Magnus thought he could walk out of the stadium without another thought for Alec, now he found himself drawn back into his spell.
Catarina's gaze shifted from Magnus to Alec and back again.
Just turned twenty-two
I've realised I'll never make my England debut
I'll never get that call up to play Wembley in June
We could hold hand stands singing chants with the fans
Wouldn't care if they lose
'Cause I'd be with you
He could see Catarina nudging Magnus with an encouraging smile; perhaps she understood just how huge this moment was. Alec hoped that Magnus could feel how much he regretted what he’d done with every beat and every heartfelt word he sang under the bright stage lights.
Alec hoped that this moment meant that he could have a second chance with Magnus, but only time would tell if this reunion would lead to something new or just remain another bittersweet memory forever etched in their hearts.
It was like the scales had fallen from Cat's eyes. Alec sang about his friendship with Magnus, about all the memories they had made together. About their dreams for their future, and how he regretted not loving Magnus. Or rather, not loving him the way he deserved.
Say goodbye to the dreams I chase
Guess life is hard when you're awake
Don't care if none of those dreams come true
Magnus found it almost impossible to believe what he was hearing. It was everything he had ever hoped to get to hear him say, and yet it wasn't enough. He clenched his fists and held back the tears that had formed in his eyes with all his remaining willpower.
Cat took Magnus in her arms, because even though he was trying with all his might not to let his inner turmoil show, Catarina knew that he was on the verge of bursting into tears. After all, she had been by his side when Alec had chosen his career. When Alec had left, Magnus' heart had shattered into a thousand pieces.
But I always regret not loving you
From now until the day I die
I'll always regret, regret not loving you
From now until the day I die
I'll always regret, regret not loving you
Regret not loving you
As he sang the last verse, Alec closed his eyes and tried to keep his voice from quivering. He was overwhelmed, not by the reactions of his fans, but by the fact that Magnus was standing in the crowd, looking at him. That the love of his life was actually standing in the audience, even though he had broken his heart all those years ago.
❣
Magnus glanced up at the stage, where the love of his life was standing with a microphone in his hand, looking back at him.
He’d tried to avoid staring at Alec for the duration of the concert, keeping his eyes averted from the stage.
Why he had agreed to accompany Cat in the first place was a mystery to him.
Magnus looked troubled, deeply lost in thought. After the breakup, he had shut himself off and decided to ignore and, above all, forget all his feelings. And here he was, after five years, completely unprotected in front of the only person who had been able to awaken feelings in him.
It was all too much.
Alec played one last song, and the meaning made a shudder run down his spine, weakening his knees. He was barely keeping upright when the dam broke, and tears flowed down his cheeks.
Memories of the last evening, when he had turned his back on Alec because he could no longer bear it, flooded his mind.
The last words he had said to Alec echoed in his ears.
"We are neither strangers nor enemies. We are even worse; we were lovers who have become strangers."
Hearing Alec sing now, hearing from his mouth that he regretted not loving him, made his heart burst into a thousand pieces again, even though he tried to convince himself that the song wasn't about them.
He was spellbound by the song and couldn't take his eyes off Alexander, tears still streaming down his face. He didn't notice when Cat took his hand and squeezed it tenderly.
❣
The emotions threatened to overwhelm Alec, and because of this, he rushed to thank his fans, desperate to get off the stage as quickly as possible.
“Thank you, you guys were amazing, I love you all, good night.”
With that, Alec ran off stage, his adrenaline still pulsing. The air buzzed with the screams of the enthusiastic fans.
Alec never got bored of seeing the smiles on his fans' faces and hearing them sing along. No matter how many times he performed, a part of him still couldn't believe it.
He got to sing, and he got to see the effect his music had on people. Even though most of his music was written by others, because his mother wouldn’t let him write his own songs. Never in his life had he thought this was possible.
His parents were always trying to mold him into someone he wasn't: “Alec, we love you, but if you came out publicly, it would ruin your career.” He felt trapped, but when he had spotted Magnus in the crowd today, something had clicked in him and he had decided on a whim to perform the one song he had kept to himself for so long, with only one thought in his head - Hopefully, Magnus got the message - Eventually an hour passed and everyone had left the stadium. It was quiet and calm, giving Alec time to reflect on the previous evening.
He had always dreamed of performing at Madison Square Garden, before everything went awry and he had left New York. And although he had sworn to himself to give up on that dream, after he had broken Magnus’s heart, now he had done it. He could still hardly believe it.
Alec threw off his clothes, slipped into a loose T-shirt and black pants, and, after packing up the rest of his things, he made his way toward the hotel.
As he walked out of the stadium and got into the car that was waiting for him, he could think of nothing but Magnus.
❣
After Alec left the stage, the stadium was slowly lit up, and the buzzing audience started to file out.
Magnus, however, made no effort to move from his spot just a few meters from the front of the stage.
He was still staring at the spot where Alec had been standing just a few minutes earlier.
Until a tug on his arm brought him back to the present.
“Are you coming? The roads will be packed if we don't hurry.”
Magnus blinked, shaking his head as if the movement would help him sort out his thoughts.
“I'm sorry, Catarina, you're right. I was just lost in thought. Let's go. There's a martini waiting for me somewhere.”
Cat looked at him and burst out laughing, before they made their way out of the stadium together.
But a part of Magnus stayed behind, longing to catch one more glimpse of Alec.
Before today, he’d been so sure that he no longer had any feelings for Alec, but the concert had proved him so wrong. Magnus wondered what that would mean for his future.
Had Cat only talked him into accompanying her to the concert because she knew he was still in love with Alec?
Had she perhaps even bought the tickets and not gotten them as a gift as she had told him?
❣
After Cat and Magnus cleared their way through the gradually thinning sea of people at Madison Square Garden, they decided to end the evening in the peaceful atmosphere of the Hunter's Moon with a leisurely drink.
The pulsating energy of the concert slowly gave way to a pleasant feeling of familiarity as they settled into the bar. But beneath the surface, Magnus was still churning. He was so overwhelmed by Alexander's performance, the sheer power of his voice, and the emotional impact that had almost knocked Magnus off his feet.
He’d suspected beforehand that it would be difficult to see Alexander again after such a long time, let alone hear his voice that evoked so many memories, but nothing, absolutely nothing, could have prepared him for the last song. The melody had burned itself deep into his soul, the lyrics kept echoing in his head, and the intensity of Alexander's performance had caught him off guard.
The idea that Cat, who was so close to him, seriously believed the song was dedicated to him was absurd. The song had absolutely nothing to do with him. He categorically ruled out the possibility that Alexander had sung even one syllable of it for him. It was an impossible idea.
Magnus unconsciously bit his lower lip as he sat at the dark wooden table and waited for Cat to return with the drinks they’d ordered. His martini promised to be a welcome distraction.
Ruminating on it, getting lost in speculation, and dissecting the possible interpretations of the song wouldn't get him anything but a headache. He had to shake off these thoughts before they settled over him like a dark shadow.
He took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on Cat's return and the promise of a calm, relaxed conversation.
❣
It wasn't long before Alec found himself in his hotel room.
With his notebook in hand, he flopped down on the bed and began scribbling as though he were out of his mind. He desperately tried to organize the swirling thoughts inside him and put them down on paper before they threatened to overwhelm him completely.
Barely able to breathe, he jotted down words, crossed them out, reshaped phrases, and unloaded everything that had built up in his heart onto the paper. The words flowed in an unstoppable stream, unburdened by the passage of time.
When his phone interrupted his sleep with a shrill tone the next morning, he awoke from his slumped position on the bed where he had fallen asleep while he had been feverishly writing new song lyrics.
In addition to the stabbing pain in his back and neck, dark circles adorned his eyes. Alec yawned as he deactivated the alarm. He still had four hours until he had to be at JFK to catch his flight back to Los Angeles. Luckily, Lydia had booked him the fast-track service, so he still had enough time to get ready and have a nice breakfast before he had to leave for the airport.
Alec got up, stretching to work off the tension from last night's writing marathon, then made his way to the bathroom. Hopefully, a hot shower would revitalize his tired limbs and clear his head.
