I AM

[denniezemclyon]

My mom finally found out abt my Trouble today, well last night.

I didn't hesitate whn she askd me.. She got triggered.. This is exactly why I didn't tell them cos I knew this is how they would react. As much as she want to perceive herself as open minded, understanding and whatnot when presented with the facts she can't come to terms with it. I wouldn't say tht was a coming out cos I never tried so hard to hide what I am but I told her "If tht makes me a tomboy/lesbian then yeah I am"

She was kinda upset, to be fair it's bcos she didn't want me becoming a lesbian cos she had queer friends growing up and she knew how hard it was for them. Their life being gays and lesbians. She didn't want tht life for me. For her kids. I don't think my mom is angry. No. I found out she got hurt cos my sister told me.

I am not in a relationship with my Trouble and tbh I don't know if I would wanna be in a committed one, also gvn tht it's bcos it's online. I have been tlkn abt her so much lately. To people who mattered to me. Going bck to my mom's convo, I told them I have been talking to her, video chatting almost everyday (as much as I don't wanna admit) secretly hiding her to them, for what? 7,8-9 months now? And my mom may got hurt by tht fact but ths is exactly the reason why I did not tell her cos I know she'll discourage me. I didn't want that. That constant nagging, tht feeling of indifference, tht stare and eyebrows raised kind of vibe.

Cos they don't know how much my Trouble brings to me. If only they knew. I don't evn think my Trouble knows it tht well and everytime I realize it I laugh at myself smh

All I know is she's someone I'd wanna treasure and protect; someone who brings me peace; someone who made me wanna better myself; someone who I want to be a part of my life and I hers.

She's someone I want mine.

This might've been one of the reasons why my cousin felt idk betrayed, left out, distant, angry, ashamed and so much more. Cos maybe she thought I was judging her bcos I respected my mom and mammoo's values and beliefs. Maybe she thought I fell into tht category of prejudice towards queer people and felt tht I have condemned her. Oh how she must feel so alone right now and ever since the day I left. I miss her so much and it kills me tht she doesn't talk to me anymore.

This is the result of having no labels. I still don't want to label myself as lesbian cos I still find myself getting attracted to men. I lusted more on men rather thn women but admire women more. I played with men online which I haven't tried with women. I was gonna but I couldn't bring myself to intently find women with online dating apps. When I go out, I flirt mostly with men but somehow takes home phone numbers of women.. You see the confusion here?

Sometimes, I find myself saying "Oh I'm gay" "She makes me gay" especially when I'm fangirling..

I still don't know whether I should label myself as lesbian or bi even but also I know I don't want to be called any of those.

Please dont get me wrong. I say this with utmost honesty and complete genuinity, I respect and like lesbians, gay, bi and other queer people alike and I have nothing but love to show towards them. As long as they are kind too.

Maybe my name which means "Lover of mankind" plays a huge part of who I am. It is my identity. I just want to be myself and let them see me as I am cos I am just being me more than ever and I just am me.

I AM...

I do my best to be kind to everyone and treat everyone with equality; men, women, trans and other beings out there. And I have just so much more to learn as I've yet to discover and explore myself more.

I strive to be more optimistic, more open minded, more patient, more observant and more understanding. I want to show more kindness cos I know how exactly wht it feels like to be deprived of it. From people. From friends and family. From oneself.

So yeah.

[theborders]

Before I go to bed, I offer you Cariad (love), possibly my favourite welsh pet name, it’s so pretty <333

Cariad is accepted ❤️❤️

[pacifymebby]

Cariad is one of my favourite welsh words ngl, along with cwtch, i think it literally translates to "a safe place" or something :')

[thoughtkick]

“I know I’m not easy to love. I’m a chronic over-thinker. I overreact more than I should…And every once in a while, I might be a little insecure. But if I am in love with you, I can promise you wholeheartedly that you will be loved with so much passion and intensity that you’ll forget what life felt like before I came along. You will always be cared for and you will always have someone in your corner. Maybe I’m not the best at being loved - But I like to think I’m pretty good at loving.”

— Chelsea Carroll

[denniezemclyon]

Today is Tuesday and I have done a lot!

The car dealer who i gave my deets to contacted me earlier this morning so I grabbed the oppurtunity to go to them and check the car out! My honest opinion is, "It is not a cool car" but I always deemed Honda as reliable and am quite familiar with Jazz's. Tried to test drive it but because I am a learner, one of the guys, Mike, drove the car with me as I asked him to gom to our so tht I can show my fam the car. They all saw the car, even Mammoo, and they kinda liked it. We all had the same thought, it was kinda small but it'll do for our first family car. It'll have to do for now because I can't wait to do more things and I am so impatient as I constantly feel that time is of the essence these days. I want to get so many things done, which by the way I am. Plus the way I manage my stress levels is far better than the last couple months. Going back to the car, it's got a sunroof tho. So, we're quite happy. We have to, we've already made a commitment and deposited £300. But again, it will have to do. For now.

Went to Tita Jac's and searched for quotes which always takes time. Both the online searching and spending time at Tita's house. I am always thankful tho. No matter how it goes, Tita is always one of the people who stood by us and still does. Also, got printed labels for me to return the parts I bought off of ebay for my bike as it didn't fit.

After that, spent the rest of the day with rigorous messages, emails and conversations. Time check is 21:43 and I am starting yawn continously. My body is tired and is asking for rest but my mind is still hectic.

I wanna start blogging cos I need to offload stuff. This way I can do that and track my past, reflect and learn from them in the future.

My fam still is suffering from yesterday's backlash, no matter how small and how we laugh it off. Critisms from people, from family friends who know our situation better than anyone. I get to talk to my personal friends and appreciate them more. I somehow think in this situation, we value friendships because on how they can be of use to us when we need something. So, it got me into thinking. Maybe. But I've already made up my mind as I wrote the fundraiser campaign. One day I want to give back. So, no matter how hypocrite I believe my thoughts are, that's okay. Also, I wouldn't wanna believe that I am trying to compensate for it by wanting to give more back.

It made me become more grateful on how blessed I am to have all these people I can call friends. No matter what level of friendship it may be. I am just so glad. And can feel the love. One day I hope I can make them feel tenfold. As it has helped the morale inside the house by a lot.

Anyways, I need to develope a routine and set of times. Deprive myself of gadgets a scheduled time and start to wind down so I can wake up tomorow, do my morning routine workout then go into deep work and also plan rests in between. Note: I also made my brother stop by 10pm. And he did. Right now. Time check 21:54

All in all, today was a very productive day and I am proud of the things I have done!

[ngalitzine]

u ever in such a bad mood u feel urself turning evil?

[ngalitzine]

had an actual meal. not evil anymore

[denniezemclyon]

I went to the post office today. There was around 6 people in front of me waiting to be served. I didn't fiddle with my phone nor distract myself with other things. I was aware on how impatient I was getting and how my rage build up. It took a long while for me to get serve. I just wanna tell someone.....

I am still grumpy and I wanna go off right now but truthfully I got tired. It's not fun waiting in lines. My body feels fatigued and all I can do is exhale through my nose annd I am parched and hungry and just sleepy.

[qvotable]

“Angry, and half in love with her, and tremendously sorry, I turned away.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

[denniezemclyon]

Instead of angry, sad..

[denniezemclyon]

I want someone whom I can harmonize my voice with and dance unapologetically even when no one else hears a single sound.

Who can acknowledge the good and the bad in the mundane. One who can delve into a variety of chaos and sit in silence together.

One who adores the sun, the moon and the stars. Curious enough to ask what, why and how. Knowledgeable enough to answer what, why and how. 

Doesn't shy away from extremities and vigorous to experience diversity, but also be well-reminded to be gentle and takes measures of safety. 

Courageous to ask for help when in need.  Finds no shame in having flaws, in being foolish and open to learning, eager for betterment. Brave to take accountability and responsibility and surrender to compassion.

Understands the importance of food and water, of music and literature, of culture and tradition, of style and demeanour, of security and comfort; in any kind.

Values family and friendship hand in hand.

One who carries oneself with beauty, respect, dignity, fierceness, grace, passion, range, mirthfulness, love.., kindness.

"Am I ready?" I don't really know. Then I ask again, "am I ready?"

I look the mirror and clarity finds me.

[bnmxfld]

“I wasn’t actually in love, but I felt a sort of tender curiosity.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

[woolysocks]

this weeks ¡hola papi! ... a real zinger

[djklmnx]

[denniezemclyon]

It slowly breaks my heart that I want to accept and surrender to ths sm..

[thoughtkick]

“You can’t be strong all the time. Sometimes you just need to be alone and let your tears out.”

— Unknown

[denniezemclyon]

I need the violet to my orange...

[cheruib]

there’s literally nothing more fun than being kind????? like? making someone feel loved and appreciated and seeing them smile and hearing them giggle?? sign me the fuck up

[metamorphesque]

— Sylvia Plath, from "Letters Home"

[text ID: I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still.]

[thoughtkick]

“An intimate relationship does not banish loneliness. Only when we’re comfortable with who we are, can we truly function in a healthy way.”

— Patricia Fry

[thoughtkick]

“Don’t mistake silence for weakness. Smart people don’t plan big moves out loud.”

— Unknown