A Muffin's Thoughts @derbythemuffin - Tumblr Blog

I haven't logged onto here in a long time, dang. A lot has changed tbh! Hope everyone is doing good.

manta-sei-deactivated20250322

lgbt pride stingrays - part 1 of 2!!

A roller coaster of emotion! To clarify a bit: I actually do like reading and making romance stories, so maybe that last panel isn’t 100% accurate. It’s complicated and hard to explain! I intend on doing a larger zine about this topic someday, but for now I just wanted to scribble something.

www.raizap.com

cassiatora

What I Mean When I Say Asexual

At a family get-together, all my female relatives are talking about boys. Who they dated, who they married, who they divorced. What their “type” is and whether their current s.o. matches it. Even my preteen second cousins get in on the discussion, though they’ve so far only had crushes.

Then there’s me, sitting in a corner, writing and trying not to draw any attention. Because I’ve never dated. I’ve never had a crush. I have no interest in getting married.

And I have no frickin’ idea what they mean when they say “type.”

Is it their aesthetic? The first thing that turns them on? Their idea of the ideal man? I don’t know.

And I don’t have an answer, so I stay out of the conversation.

But then my oldest cousin (mother of one of the aforementioned preteen girls) notices that I’m not saying anything. “What about you?” she asks. “What’s your type?”

“I don’t have one,” I say to my notebook, hoping she’ll take the hint and leave me alone. She doesn’t, because this is my dad’s family, and unlike me (and virtually all of my mom’s side) they’re all extroverted, talkative, and not afraid of confrontation. I don’t have one doesn’t count as an answer.

“Sure you do. Everyone does. What is it? Dark hair? Ponytails? Nerdy?”

I shrug. “I don’t know. I’d have to know the guy, I guess. I can’t just pick a trait at random and say ‘there’s my boyfriend.’”

“Well, obviously.” She laughs, like I’m making a joke. “No one dates a guy without knowing him. But what’s the very first thing that catches your interest? Come on.”

At this point, I get really quiet, because the only thing running through my head, the one thought that won’t stop playing on repeat is, Well you always get obsessed with the same sort of character.

Problem: that sort of character is “trickster, thief, and/or traitor.”

Imagine telling your whole family that your biggest turn-on is burglary.

“Oh, no, Mandi, you’re turning red!”

Of course I am, I want to say. I don’t want to talk about this. You’re making me uncomfortable. You’re demanding an answer to a question I don’t understand.

Your “Type.” Is that really how it works? There’s some subset of human characteristics that makes female minds go “ooooh”? Often enough and consistently enough that you can pinpoint a “type”? You can look at a nameless picture and say “I would date him?” You’re comfortable with that? I mean, yes, I know in general terms what the word means, but ask me to apply it to myself and I flounder.

Because that’s not how it works for me.

But now everyone’s laughing and staring at me. They know me as the cousin/niece who doesn’t date, and now I’m blushing and thinking about boys and they all want to know my big secret.

Except I already tried to tell them. I don’t have a type. I don’t know what kind of guy I like.

And you assumed I was being coy.

I mumble something about funny guys and long hair because sure, why not? That’s as attractive as anything, and half my cousins said the same thing. And the conversation moves on and no one comes back to me because that was a boring answer compared to the stories of summer flings and perfect proposals and special tattoos.

And for the rest of the night I sit off to the side staring at my half-finished story and writing a few more words, but mostly thinking about types and crushes and wondering what’s wrong with me. I won’t learn the term “asexual” for about six months, but the hour-long conversation with the girls made it painfully obvious that I was Not Like Them.

I don’t know why it suddenly hit home. I spent all of high school and college hearing the same thing. “You’ve never had a boyfriend? How sad!” I learned to talk myself into crushes just in case a friend asked. I had a short list of celebrities I could say I thought were “hot.” I figured I was just a late bloomer or something.

But I’m not. And you know what? That’s awesome.

(Learn more about the WIMWIS Series.)

swankivy

Why don't you just TAKE A COMPLIMENT?

So I got hit on in the grocery store one time by some dude who worked there.

His method of hitting on me was to come up behind me in the checkout line, get my attention and claim I “dropped this,” and handing me a note saying he thought I was attractive and wanted to know whether I wanted to go to dinner or drinks sometime, including his phone number. He then scurried away and called “Don’t mention this to anyone or I might get in trouble!”

o_O

So I included this experience in a YouTube video wherein I discussed the experience of getting hit on from an asexual perspective, and why I didn’t think my being asexual was actually relevant here; of course men don’t KNOW I’m asexual, but sometimes they feel like it just doesn’t matter. If I didn’t want to get hit on, why did I leave the house?

But I also went off on how people lay into me, attack me, shame me, and scold me for not taking this behavior as a compliment. How DARE I not appreciate that this brave man took time out of his day to let me know I was beautiful? How DARE I not be GRATEFUL that I’m normatively attractive enough for random men to risk their jobs to offer themselves to me in the grocery store?

I tried to appeal to the straight men who don’t understand by asking how they might feel if they were regularly hit on by gay men and treated like they were bitches if they didn’t blush and FEEL FLATTERED. I know for a fact that many heterosexual men find this to be an uncomfortable thought–being hit on by a HOMO, you know–and the very existence of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell all those years suggests that our society even thinks protecting straight men from gay advances was so important it was worthy of signing into law.

The mantra of “women want to get hit on, even if they’re not available, it makes them feel wanted, and it’s my job to do it” in the straight guy culture takes a bit of a hit if they have to consider that being hit on by someone you don’t want to bone puts you in an awkward position (and might even feel shameful, harassing, or frightening). And obviously, some people didn’t get what I was talking about. Because one of my comments was from this guy:

If a gay guy thought I was handsome and asked me out, he WOULD NOT KNOW that I was straight. I wouldn’t feel insulted or harassed. It was a misunderstanding and honestly, I’d probably feel kind of flattered. The grocery worker didn’t know about your sexuality, he can’t read your mind. He didn’t say anything vulgar or rude, and I think you just needed to find an excuse to feel insulted. You couldn’t just say n to him? Instead you analyzed it and thought of ways to make it victimizing.

I’m impressed that this guy got so much fail into 500 characters. 1. He hasn’t been in the situation but insists that he “would probably” feel flattered; therefore, I’m being hysterical since my reaction doesn’t match what he THINKS his would be in a different, if somewhat analogous, situation. 2. He defends that this would have been appropriate behavior if I were a single straight woman (or, just a straight woman). My expectation that he should leave me alone (or approach me in an acceptable way) is tantamount to expecting him to be telepathic. (Which, you know, has to be invoked as a brazen impossibility to scoff at and trap me into admitting that I’m making unreasonable demands.) 3. I want to be offended, so I made up things to be upset about. I’m not actually upset about the things that DID occur. My thoughts and feelings on the situation are MADE UP and illegitimate; therefore you don’t have to consider my argument. Well would you look at that! 4. The guy’s behavior wasn’t rude because he didn’t make a vulgar comment. His actions, outlined by me to show where they were inappropriate and why, aren’t rude no matter what because he didn’t try to be rude. (Also known as “Nothing is sexist unless I say it is, plus I heart women, so lick my balls.”) I answer:

Oh, you missed the point. I made it clear that whether I’m asexual–or gay, or married–isn’t relevant. The problem is that my job as a woman is apparently to smile and excuse it when men make passes at me, and now I’m getting scolded–most recently by YOU–because I deny that this is appropriate, harmless behavior. You’re part of the problem because you’d rather blame ME for being “oversensitive” than accept unwanted advances aren’t something chicks “should” just shut up about. And remember that people give the compliments they want to get. A little empathy goes a long way–if women are repeatedly telling you “we find this behavior by men hurtful, scary, annoying, and/or inappropriate” and you answer that with “*I* wouldn’t feel harassed if it happened to ME,” you are refusing to listen and process our situation. Are men hitting on us for US, or for themselves? Better question: Do they want it to WORK? Yes? Answer: Then listen to what the fuck we say.

Note: I normally wouldn’t curse in a first response to someone–even though I generally like to use curse words as you may have noticed–but the guy had the word “fuck” in his YOUTUBE SCREENNAME, so I figured it was all right.

He replies:

Your annotation asked me how I’d react if a gay man said I was hot and wanted to ask me out. I told you how I’d react, sorry that wasn’t that answer that attempted to prove whatever point you were trying to make. He didn’t say anything disgusting about your body. He asked you out. And instead of being an adult and just saying no, you actively chose to personalize it and paint yourself as some kind of victim on behalf of all women.

And now meeeeee:

Irrelevant. Sure, it’s nice that you’re not a homophobic asshole who would punch someone or act disgusted if a guy came onto you (though I do wonder whether your attitude toward the experience would change if, like me, you got hit on by people not attractive to you regularly and they sometimes tried to touch you on the bus). But I made the point specifically that whether you are attracted back or available does not change whether unsolicited come-ons are appropriate. It’s sad that you still hear hysteria and “not being an adult” when I, as a thirty-three-year-old female, am clearly, calmly making my thoughts on my experience available to you. Again, the only appropriate reaction I “should” have is being NICE about this (and, of course, subtly encouraging it), in your opinion. So, diagnose me as an uppity woman whose experiences aren’t important, suck on your bottle of privilege, and chalk this up as a conversation I don’t need to have again.

Yep. Unrepentant ranting about how this guy was just doing things that are well within his RIGHTS to do to me and this is actually about me being an uppity bitch … gets blocked. Not worth my damn time.

shades-of-grayro

The QPR/Soft Romo Guide for Defining the Relationship

mod fitz here. I have noticed that we have been getting a lot of asks that basically all go “I am (or my [potential] partner is) greyro, and I am maybe interested in being in a relationship, but how would that even work?” So I decided I would create a masterpost on defining the relationship in non-amatonormative relationships.

So let’s start with types of relationships. A typical romantic relationship is just that–a typical romantic relationship. It is what you see in the movies, what society pushes in your face constantly as something you need to have to be “complete.” The most common type of non-romantic significant relationship is a QPR, or queerplatonic relationship (quasiplatonic for those who do not wish to use the word queer).

The basic idea of a QPR is that it is something that goes beyond what you consider normal friendship, but it is not romantic in nature. What exactly a QPR is can be tricky at first, especially if you don’t have any real examples to base your understanding on (thank you amatonormativity). Really the idea behind QPRs is that they deviate from typical narratives of both friendship and romance, or in other words, they are “queering” what we think a significant relationship entails.

Another type of relationship is a soft-romo relationship, which is somewhere in-between a QPR and a romantic relationship. These often occur when one partner is romantically attracted to the other and the other is not, or when one or both partners have fluctuating levels of attraction or tolerance for romantic activities, or boundaries that make a typical romantic relationship not realistic.

While communication is important in any relationship, amatonormative relationships have a script to follow, which helps greatly. (A DTR talk may be as simple as, “so are we doing this?” or “would it be okay if I called you my boyfriend?”) Those who desire QPRs or soft-romo relationships do not have this tool, and often at least one of the people involved do not have the language to even begin defining what it is their relationship is, which can make defining the relationship a daunting task.

So here I am to give you some tools to use to help you define the relationship you want or the relationship you are currently in!

One of the simplest is a Want Will Won’t list (adapted from this video from sexplanations on Youtube). Basically what you do is create three columns on a piece of paper. One column is “Want,” or what you want from the relationship (ex: I want cuddling, hand holding, kissing (not mouth-to-mouth), commitment, emotional intimacy, understanding and patience with my mental illness). The next column is “Will,” or what you would be willing to do if your partner wanted, but aren’t necessarily driven to it yourself, or it isn’t important to you (ex: I would go on dates, closed-mouth kiss on the mouth [maybe some tongue, ask first], call you my boyfriend/girlfriend/datemate, sex [maybe, definitely ask first]). The last column is “Won’t” or what you do not want from the relationship (ex: no tongue kissing, daily texts, sleeping together, nudity). As you can see from my responses, the Want and Won’t parts are relatively cut and dry, but some items in the Will column may need some explanation. Once you make your list, compare it with your partner’s. You can make this in post-it notes if you think your feelings may change over time (which may be especially helpful for aroflux people).

Another post that may be helpful is this post which lists many activities a significant relationship may entail, which may be helpful if you are having trouble thinking about what you can put on your Want Will Won’t list, or you can just use the post by itself.

Another option, especially if when I described QPRs and soft-romo relationships your reaction was, “What?!” is queenieofaces‘s Five Factor model of relationships

The Five Factor Model relies on five factors (thus the name) to categorize relationships: commitment, intimacy, time, exclusivity, and priority.

Go check out Queenie’s original post if it looks like this may be the model for you. Queenie linked to a few more similar models, and I am going to link them below with the different factors they explain:

The Anatomy of Relationships: Sexuality, Touch, Limerance, Emotional vulnerability, Thought-sharing, Resource sharing, Commitment, Prioritization, Time, Common interests, Group membership, Exclusivity, Negotiation.

David Jay (part 1, part 2): Time, Feelings, and Promises [this one is really simple and quick and geared towards how to make the relationship progress, especially in part 2]

Minerva: Love, Intimacy, and Commitment

Minerva’s post is very similar to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love which has the factors intimacy, passion, and commitment, and can be explained well through this diagram [x]:

EDIT: I just found this post which discusses the Sternberg theory in relation to aromanticism. Check it out!

I hope one of the resources provided on this post helps you figure out your current relationship or what you desire from a future relationship.

Full disclaimer: I do not have any personal experience with actually defining the relationship with another person (hence why I am only quoting others), these are simply tools I wish I had in the past and tools I currently use to help think about what types of relationships I may potentially want to be in.

-mod fitz

theintrovertnation

kitty

imthelesbian-archive-deactivate

reblog if you

- are gay

- are sad

- are crying over a tv show/movie/ship

- love pasta

no one will ever know which one

dsjckljdfsdkcjksdf-deactivated2

let’s go camping with some fucking animals

fursuitpursuits

RT @AshSerigala: Snuggly cuddles of love 💖 Hold those you cherish, close to you ^.^ #MFYMonday https://t.co/OjcAlEyyTh (Source)

uwujgk

When you are writing and suddenly forget the word you want to put, but you know what word it is and the meaning and have it on the front of your mind but you don’t know and can’t put it, but you just know and stay like five minutes looking at the distance, trying to remember: