Mercenaries x Reader Headcannons
FEATURING: Scout, Heavy, Medic, Spy, and Pyro
These are all random, and some may be slightly NSFW, but nothing explicit or terrible.
Scout
Absolutely whipped at the end of the day. He may complain and whine but he is wrapped around his girl’s finger.
Tries to get you to try Bonk one time, and if it went poorly he would try to blame it on how, ‘eh nah thats a bad can.. see, look, ihs’ dented, ill drink dat one and open another for ya, toots, a colder one, trust me honey’
I think this is all common ground but ‘toots’, ‘honey’, ‘sweetheart’, etc
A very proud boyfriend. ‘Heya everyone this is my girl! In’t she great? My ma likes her too, and she’s strict, so ya really know she’s a keeper!’ All with his arm over your shoulder or gesticulating grand gestures
Awfully meek at the start and trying to show off, but eventually there is some confidence in his established relationship. Points to his cheek, ‘Heya toots can i get a kiss?’ And annoys you until you do kiss him and then points to the other cheek, and then the first, and then the other…
Until you get annoyed proper and pokes him in the side. ‘Owh! Man, you’re so cruel, I just wanted kisses!’
Definitely comes up and ostentatiously sniffs your neck if you’ve got new perfume and starts kissing you all over all excited, with his hands on your waist. ‘Damn! You smell great, some new perfume yeah? You should wear it more, could smell it walkin’ in here and you got me all riled up hea!’
Chest guy all the way.
You’re saved in his (flip)phone as your name PREceded by a heart icon. Oddly specific but that’s him
Buys treats a lot. I feel like he’d have the most terrible pollen allergy known to man, and he’d try to buy you flowers one time and he was red and sniffling like his nasal passage had been emulsified or something.
Whiny and pathetic in private.
Heavy
Definitely quite the gentleman, and is an absolute devotee to his lady, even if he’s quiet about it. He took care of his family so long and of course that’s engrained in him! If it didn’t make him happy to do so that would be clear, but you also have to do some protecting of him, too like
Easing a subject onto him. He’s an emotional fella and of course he wants to hear if you’re upset, but he may feel guilty if it’s a topic roused by his behaviour or something he could have even slightly been involved in. His heart is big and it’s not that you should walk on eggshells, just be a love that is easy for him to rest easily on, and that rest comes from knowing your feelings and being there for him to express his.
You will be helping each other with languages. You teach him English grammars and he teaches you Russian words
He will encourage reading upon you if you don’t much already, even if you are indifferent about the idea, it is one of the few things he would push. ‘To better mind and better heart.. you do not get good mind from sunshine books, you read classic, and you cry and think lot.’
If you’re not a reader already, he’d offer you Notes From Underground by Dostoevsky. It’s short, profound, and probably one he read multiple times throughout his life. Once on his own time, and then multiple in school for whatever reason.
He is fascinated by religion and the Bible. He isn’t quite religious, but does a lot of religious thinking to pick his own brain, especially with topics like morality and goodness and what is rationality. He has also learned of other religious texts, but I don’t think he’s read any of them in full, either.
Writes poetry about you
Big cuddle-r, obviously. Typically the big spoon, but if you can find a way to hold him in some regard, he would love that.
‘Little bird’ and ‘my love.’
Also very proud but in again, a quieter fashion. He stands behind you or adjacent to you often, with usually a hand on you and a little smile that conveys a bit of giddiness of ‘oh wow I have lovely lady, she loves me and I love her, and people happy we love. I am proud of lady.’
Encourages food a LOT. Even if you’re the sort who never skips a meal, he always worries, and not the ridiculous ‘girls never eat enough’ way, he just wants you well fed, happy, energised, and without guilt.
Loves you no matter your size. He’s a big dude himself and given his intelligence, he thinks beauty standards are proper bullshit, and that they’re an embarrassing idea to upkeep in society.
Picks modest bouquets by specific meanings of the flower(s)
Medic
Whacky doo once comfortable. He may seem all pretentious and egotistical (this doesn’t go away), but underneath the pretentiousness he is a giant ball of energy sometimes around his significant other.
He’s more mad than was made apparent. Every devious or morally questionable thought spills from him.
Lwk best period comfort 😭 there isn’t an ounce of weirdness in him. It’s just a bodily function and he understands it makes one feel like shit
Handsy in the sense of always having a hand on you, or something. He’s a bit clingy and likes having you around everywhere, and naturally floats generally towards you irregardless
When cuddling, he is the big spoon, and on occasion he has a spur idea to name all your anatomy. He has you lay there (probably late at night or wherever) and he sits up on his forearm and points and explains everything.
When he’s quiet, he likes ‘parallel play’. You do your own things, but together; and pulling from his affectionate ordeal, he’s either got his ankle about yours or your arms are touching etc.
Very proud of his heritage (except for a little hiatus reasonable pride takes off due to a certain era..) and passionately talks about his time in Germany and how New Mexico has no proper German beer, and how Pennsylvania is the next best place for German culture in his experience. Dreams of taking you hiking in Bavaria..
He speaks in German to you a LOT regardless if you can or cannot understand.
A gentleman at heart. He opens doors, pulls out chairs, and his arm is always available for you to take.
Experiments on you when he knows it’s nothing lethal.. and then if it is something sickening, he will take care of you very deliberately with deep apologies and whatnot. Prescribed bed rest (and he occasionally dr house’s his own prescription to cuddle you :)
Has tried every drug under the sun. His favourite was LSD and you two will definitely be doing shrooms and other things together for the heck of it.
EXCELLENT cook. Baking is a science, and if he has a knack for baking, he can be a damn good cook too.
Does prefer a healthy body as a physician, but healthy as in the whole scale of healthy, and knowing him
He seems like he’d like a girl with a tummy. And thighs. Oooo he’s a thighs guy.
He falls asleep on your thighs and kisses you everywhere!!
If you’re hurt, he does the whole worried nurse thing and holds your face and moves you to inspect you before kissing you when he’s satisfied with the care he provided.
Also proud, but not one for much PDA beyond what is polite. If he can’t touch you he will hover very close.
But nonetheless he is happy to talk about you. ‘Oh ja, sie ist wunderschön, and I have never met somevohn as sane as I am! It is refreshing, and I would give her zhe vorld if I could.’
You do kinda have to be interested in medicine too.. or something else humanities related to be engrossed in.
‘Dove/Taube’, ‘Mausi,’ ‘Liebling’
Lovely flowers, lots of yellow flowers.
Roleplays 100%. Doctor and patient, scientist and creation, interrogator and interrogated.
Would get on his knees for you and beg for heinous things.
Loud, embarrassed, and tries to muffle himself
Spy
Although he’s the most ‘romantic’ of the mercs, he sometimes tries not to seem all that romantic. He’s a very private person when it comes to his significant other.
It’s clear to everyone he certainly loves you, and he’s not quite afraid of PDA but is respectful about it
LOVES dancing with you. Even if you step on his toes, after a while you wouldn’t do so, as he’d teach you how to dance proper.
Lots of kisses, small pecks all over your face and hugs you tightly while burying his face into your neck and smelling the perfume he bought for you.
‘Ehehe, my love, you make my heart sing..’
‘My love’, ‘Darling’, and anything in French of course (i do not know any French im sorry 😭 no not even the common names etc)
Finds excellent wines and will have you try them with different foods and whatnot
Another man who wants to make sure his lady is well fed and well loved.
Kind of a professional bullshitter. It’s part of his job to act, so he probably knows a little about a lot of things but makes it seem like he knows what he’s talking about, more than he actually does.
If you’re passionate about a topic he catches on and reads about it in other regards so you can have conversation instead of just tossing the same facts back and forth
Big spoon 100%, all the time, and only if you practically beg him to be the little spoon, ‘Non, no, no my love, I take care of you and I hold you, I am a gentleman you know, but if it would bring you joy..’
Tbh he’s a little controlling but out of worry and nothing rude. He’s never going to stop you from doing anything unless there is a concern probing him, but even then he tries to keep it to himself, ie, if you’re dressed in an awfully showy outfit, he may say something out of worry, ‘I-I do not want other men to look at you as something you’re not, you have a beautiful heart and mind and body, and they do not, I- here, a little shawl maybe? I love you dearly but do understand.. you are too beautiful for zhe filth of them..’
but he’s very excited to see you all dressed like that.
If you wear heels and end up being taller than him, he loves that too. He has a thing for heels I’d think, and he LOVES to see you strut towards him in them
And he has sandals on his person, somewhere, in case you are pained by your shoes ever.
Fancy jewellery that was probably unethically acquired, perfumes, all the fancy niceties.
Contrary to popular headcannons I would think him even more respectful about intimacy than anyone (probably ever). He does not buy lingerie for you unless you drag him into a store of that nature and pick it yourself. He flushes quickly when you mention being intimate, and he just wants you to be happy and comfortable and never seen as an object of sexual pleasure for him. It’s awfully sweet, but of course he does approach you every now and then after you’re both comfortable with each other.
Constantly making sure you’re okay in any regard. He calls you randomly even just to tell you he loves you.
Pyro
I’m not going crazy for this because he’s a ball of wonder and joy
Loves affection, terribly wholesome and loves to sit on the floor and accept your kisses
Bakes for you and if he messes up in any regard to him, he’s deeply dejected no matter how much you tell him it’s good
DIY presents all the time
Scares you randomly and then hugs you tight
The sort to pickpocket, so you get random ids as gifts too
I honestly have no idea anything else
if you want other mercs, please let me know!! This took a while and I think it’s clear who my favourites are…