Ok so I lied. I promised to write back soon and I didn't. I have a huge problem with that really. I say I'm going to do something and then it takes me forever to do it. Not with deadlines and assignments and I don't have a problem with procrastination, but it is all the other things that I do not necessarily have to do that I put off. It's a habit I have been trying years to break but I put off things I find unpleasant or overwhelming for more immediate tasks at hand. For example, why should I spend my time looking for a new job for when my contract ends, when I could just spend hours here unnecessarily overachieving for my current job...Its a serious problem. I'll spend hours looking for a book to read with my kindergartens and I still have no idea what I am going to do after my contract ends n June 26th. Shit. Well, one more thing to "fix" about myself.
Things are not going well for me lately and thats why I think I need to start posting again. Although I picked a lot last year, I actually was really happy with my friends and my job, but after this one guy came here things kinda fell apart. I fell for him, but of course my roommate gets there first and although she does not truly care for him and is looking for a casual relationship and makes this clear to him, he prefers her over me. He is a guy who apparently actually does want a serious relationship, but will chase after a girl who insults him to his face, over me, who is nice to him and he has things in common with. And I know you can't make people like you and just because someone is nice to you, doesn't make you obligated to like them, but it still hurts. It makes me wonder if because I'm not skinny and have fashionable clothes I am not good enough. People have told me over and over again that that is not the case, but it only takes a gentle breeze to knock over my flimsily constructed fort of self-esteem and send me back out to face my insecurities and self-loathing unprotected. And that is what this past month has really been. It has been me feeling sorry for myself as I simultaneously beat myself up for all my failures- "Oh yes, it is so horrible bring you. I am sorry you have to live with your failure: a ugly body, frumpy clothes (that are nice but only look horrible on you), and with your horrible teaching skills."
Looking back on that last sentence is strange because throughout it I was thinking of synonyms for words so that I didn't use the same word over and over again, because I was an English minor after all. Yet, I decided to chance it back so that I could see how that one word has been unknowingly applied to myself over and over again- horrible and failure. I want to cry right now and I think I going to because I never really noticed that before until now. If you asked me what negative words I though described me I would have probably just said fat and ugly, but no horrible and failure are so much worst. Being fat and ugly is both not truly someone's fault and at the same time can be noticeably changed. If I felt motivated enough I could start working out, buy new clothes, and have a mini-makeover (aka this is what my friends have decided to do with me after we were watching Miss Congeniality and I said that I wanted something like that, and being drunk I laid out a lot of my body insecurities. Ps- the guy I liked was there and was nice and said I was pretty and not fat and all that nice stuff.) But the point is that those things can be changed so much easier than thinking you are a horrible person and a failure. How am I to change that? I know logistically what to do, I have been through a lot of therapy after all but it is so much harder because the results cannot be bought or pushed on me through other people. It needs to come through myself and I guess I don't feel like I deserve to be called anything else.
I did something bad. I have been avoiding this one girl because she is a drama queen and basically just a big emotional drain on me and all that. Like she is nice at heart but she is too consumed with herself and her love to create and maintain drama in her life that she makes a very bad person to hang out with. So I have been avoiding her for god knows how long- months actually. I tell her I am too busy or I'm tired (both completely true) but then sometimes I tell her I will do something and then I'll make a last minute excuse so I don't have to go. Now this just goes back to my problem with not being able to follow through on things. Instead of telling someone no I do not want to hangout with you or do this thing, I say I will in full knowledge that I will whinge to my other friends so much about it that they will convince me not to go and so I feel justified in not going. This weekend was particularly bad in that she wanted me to go with her and two other people I particularly dislike so that every time I told someone about this, who also knew all three of them, they would visibly cringe at the horrible triangle that would make. So of course I did not go. I decided to fall asleep instead and I never texted her beforehand to say I wouldn't come. I just decided to take a nap although I knew I would miss it. Well, she sent me a text saying that was her last attempt to do anything with me and that she is 'not interested' anymore. Well I could have left it there but I decided not to. I have been in her position before, where my best friend just stopped talking to me for no reason and didn't tell me why. I have found out through a mutual friend her reasoning but because she never apologized and handled the situation so poorly, I have never forgiven her. I am of the opinion that no one can be forgiven unless they apologize. You can let things go and not let what they did upset or bother you anymore but to say you forgive them is in my opinion a misuse of the the verb 'to forgive.' Anyway it dawned on me, while I was thinking that I probably would not respond and just never talk to her again, that I was fulfilling the same role and was doing that to someone else. A situation, mind you, that has left me emotionally scared and I where I thought may plunge me back into a suicidal depression. Thankfully it did not but the idea I could have done that to someone else made me sick. I wrote a big apology explaining my feelings and that it was not her fault and I was a coward hiding behind the excuse of 'trying to be nice' that I didn't inform her that I didn't think we had compatible personalities. I think it was a good message, and although all she replied was a thumbs up and "Like I said, I'm not interested." I am still happy I did it. I think it provided closure or at least I hoped it did. I just taught about how I would have wanted to be treated when that happened to me. Yet I cannot help but think that for once I was the bully and not the victim. The line that got me through that tough time was from the song "Be Still" by the Killers when it says- "Although they drag you through the mud, it doesn't change what's in your blood." And I don't want to think that I dragged someone through the mud. I really really don't.
Maybe that's why I went on one of my first proper rampages in a long time. I completely tore up my face. Well maybe not, I did pick at it long and hard but I haven't seen the damage yet. I am wearing a face mask so that I don't touch or see it. That makes 25 since I last wrote and 35 for the new year. Not great. Oh and I also have a new obsession which I'll talk about next time, which is cutting the split ends off my hair. I spent around 2 hours doing that today. It's a problem.
Ok I'm going to bed now. It's 12:30 and I need to get up at 7 tomorrow. I am not going to proofread this. I don't want to spent the time and I also don't want to reread what I have written. I am having a strange feeling write now where I feel like the voice inside my head isn't my own. Well, it is but it is speaking differently from how I normally speak. Consequently this whole post seems strange and a little artificial to me. Hopefully it is from lack of sleep. I'll write more often now so that my posts aren't this long and so that maybe someone will actually read them. And that I promise, and I will try to keep that promise.
