descape

Learn • Grow • Create • Live • Simplify

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I love this concept. I want one!

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What did people in the eighteenth century think the human mind was? According to Sean Silver, whatever they happened to work with: “The age is littered with people modeling their intellect on the spaces in which they worked. John Locke says the mind is like a cabinet; Joseph Addison compares it to a drawer of medals; Francis Bacon calls it a repository; Robert Hooke calls it a workshop. The thing to notice is this: Locke was a bibliophile, Addison a coin collector, Bacon a collector of curiosities, Hooke a laboratory technician.... We should ... attend to Locke’s cabinet, Addison’s medals, Bacon’s repository, and Hooke’s workshop, not as curiosities of museology, but as histories of ideas.” Is there any wonder, then, that people today think the mind is a computer?

Alan Jacobs newsletter

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What are the words you do not yet have? What do you need to say?

Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider

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Values

Several months ago, I got the idea to list out my values. Companies do this all the time, along with their slogan and mission statement.  Integrity. Accountability. Candor. Commitment. Dependability. Dignity. Honesty. Honor. Responsibility, etc etc etc. The list of possible words goes on and on.

I know these words intellectually, but how many of them have I actually internalized as states of being that I want to strive for? They’re like the motivational quotes I remember on my high school health class wall. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” Yeah. Okay. Thank you.

But what are MY values? What kind of person do I want to be? As I started listing words that were important to me, I realized a pattern - my nouns were becoming verbs. My values were becoming action values. So that’s what follows here: 5 actions that I try to fit all my decisions into.

Learn - about myself, others, the world. Skills, strategies. Read, watch, listen!

Grow - apply what I’ve learned, pay attention to what works and what doesn’t. Be a dynamic, not static, being.

Create - relationships, art, writing, my day. Be an active participant in creating and shaping as much of my life as possible. As a creative being, I can say that my LIFE is the end product.

Live - life is nothing if it is not lived. Hang out with friends, say yes, go for walks, take risks, see new things, pay attention, participate!

Simplify - my ideas, my feelings, my relationships, my goals. Simple does not mean easy, but it does mean realistic, manageable, actionable.

I’ve written these on post-its and put them on the window above my desk. They don’t always help, but they are there to remind me of the kind of person I want to be.

As I write these out, I feel as if one may be missing. Something about living life from a singular experience, to shuck my thoughts and worries about what other people may think about what I’m thinking. What is the word that can remind my day-to-day self that THIS is my present reality? Something to ponder.

What are your values?

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Getting started

It’s taken a long time for me to get over the hump of what I want this blog to be. And I’m still not entirely clear, but I just have to start it. I’d like to work through the reasons behind why I want to start blogging.

I journal a lot. I’m about to finish a journal I started 3 months ago, which might be a record. Part of me is proud with how much I write, but another part is concerned that not enough of what I struggle with is making it outside those pages. One outlet that I’ve been using is to write letters. I feel like I can actually say what I want to say and not stumble over the words. But they’re not quite enough.

I work from home for a lot of the day. I feel very lucky to be able to do that. It’s a privilege I do not want to squander. But it means that I feel more isolated. I don’t have coworkers or much of a community in general. I have friends and friend groups, but they are singular points in this VERY large city. 

I have Depression. I didn’t know that I had it for over 10 years, and only in the last 2 years have I been aware of it and been trying to do something about it. I am finally being an active participant in my own life. But it also means that I’m a different person now than I was then, and I still haven’t told a lot of old friends and family about it. 

I’m getting better at sharing myself with others. Naming and sharing what I feel and being okay with those feelings, but it’s a slow process. One person at a time. I used to say that I HAD Depression, as if I had cured myself, but that is so far from the truth. I’ve recently felt like I have reached the limits of what I am capable of doing on my own. I just scheduled an appointment with a therapist for the first time in my life. 

I am so happy with how far I’ve come in the last two years, and it’s humbling to realize my limitations after so many successes. But I’m not where I want to be. There are still days, like today, where I feel like there’s a tiny black hole in the middle of my chest trying to suck me in from the inside. 

What I want is for this blog to be a public journal. I want to share where I’m at with you, whoever you are. The good and the bad. I want to hold myself accountable to what I tell myself I’m going to do by telling others as well. I want to be my honest self with everyone, not just the people I trust. And there’s still so much I haven’t even shared with them. 

And now as I sit here, looking at what I’ve written so far, eyeing that Post button, I’m feeling a lot. I feel nervous. I feel vulnerable. But I also feel like this is the right move. I want to be my best self, and I can’t be my best self if I’m hiding.

Thanks for reading. This is just the start, and I’m excited to see what this blog becomes. Let’s do this.

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You sometimes don't get to choose how you're needed.

Sather Gowdy

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The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing which stands in his way. As a man is, so he sees.

William Blake