My Diary

The Inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.

[desertgodess1206]

Day 1 - Antonio's Deployment

Antonio left at 3AM this morning. Technically he isn't over seas yet, but I cant visit him while he is at his home base. It didnt hit me until he kissed me goodbye. I just cant wait for him to get back. I kind of miss Momo as well. I know I offered plenty of times to take care of Momo while he is deployed, but I wonder if he wouldve been more convinced to say yes so I at least have someone here. I think having Antonio gone as well as Momo is wayyyy big of a change. I havent been totally alone since Aug 2020. At least with Momo here it would have been somewhat less stark of a change.

[desertgodess1206]

sigh. boys are dumb.

I saw my boyfriends emails (searching for an email that I was supposed to get, but it got sent to his email) and opened an email in which i thought was mine. I was supposed to get a return receipt, and this email said “invoice receipt” so i was like ok this is mine, i shall open it. This reciept was that he sent a streamer $30 for some reason. I was shocked tbh, cause I never see him spend any money on me, or surprise me with things like that. I was like “you spent 30$ on a streamer?! :O” he said “teehee” and jokingly I was all “but you cant even buy me flowers!” and he was all “you never tell me to buy you flowers” listen here sack of shit, girls dont tell you to buy them things. You are supposed to surprise them with presents because you are thinking of them, and because you really want to! Not because they tell you. Should I have to tell you “hey buy me flowers because I think I deserve them from you, and it would mean a lot to me” like no wtf? how demanding is that? it should be because you want to buy me flowers, knowing that it would make my week! not because im bossing you around telling you to buy me things . what am i, your sugar baby? you say you struggle with money yet you do these things? donate money to streamers but i, who has been your girlfriend for 3 years, can not once get FLOWERS? READ THE ROOM STUPID. Do I have to tell you to buy me a present for our anniversary, birthday, christmas , or valentines day? If I do not say anything, because I am expecting you to know better and understand common decency, will i NOT get anything? Do i have to outright say it? It isnt romantic when I tell you to buy me flowers. Its romantic when you surprise me or buy me something because youre thinking of me. But you are so ready to donate 30$ to a streamer who doesnt need it because theyre so god damn popular? Sometimes i second guess the relationship . I know other guys would not treat their girlfriends (of 3 years, and who literally live together) like this. Why cant he be like them? 

[desertgodess1206]

Sigh.

I finally told my dad (whom I was very nervous to confront) that I was moving in with Antonio. Do **NOT** get me wrong. I am very much looking forward to this, since I have wanted to do this for some time now. I knew I had to tell my dad that way there was transparency. I did not want to keep this a secret, because it’s not. But it was starting to feel like it. Everyone knew, besides my parents. Most notably, my dad. Of course, because i was terrified to tell him due to the response I was certain I would receive. I told him, and I am honestly surprised he did not yell or raise his voice. He just seemed disappointed. He made it very clear how much he disagreed about the situation, and made it KNOWN, that because of this, he would never visit me in Houston again. Almost as if he was trying to guilt me out of the situation. Like “oh, if you live with him, i’ll never drive up to see you, I don’t want to see you if he is there” ... ??? Its exhausting. Why would you resort to that? And even if you truly did feel that way, was it really that important to tell me? I’ve lived almost a year in Houston (8/1), and he has only came here like 5 times? Should i just not move in with Antonio because i’m anticipating you visiting 5 times out of the year? I don’t , NO ONE, understands his logic. Its emotionally draining. Even to my siblings. Trying to manipulate me into doing things his way... I’m 23 and he does not pay for anything at all. I would not be surprised if I was given the silent treatment again. God forbid me living my life means i’m disobeying my parents. Because that’s how he fucking makes it seem. 

[desertgodess1206]

Today i had my first suicidal thought. I remember on the empty road driving 80 in 3 seconds back home just thinking “what if I flip this car” or “what if I run into something”. I wasn’t scared of the consequences. I was at peace with this thought, knowing that I’d find peace in no longer living. So many times was I like “where would be a good spot to crash my BMW” ... not “I’m so happy to be coming home”.

I would never do it. I am too scared. But, I know if something did happen, I’d be at peace. I don’t mind leaving this world.

[desertgodess1206]

This is my first post. Today I was doing really good on my emotions. Hardly felt any negative ones. It’s always after waking up is when the worry kicks in. I figured Antonio would have called by now. However, I also know that last week would have been his busiest week ever. We argued the night before, and didn’t have much time the next morning. We were in a rush. I feel somewhat guilty for that. I’m not sure if it’s that, or the fact I know Maria is coming down for a week in May to stay at his place. I’m not sure if it’s me worrying that something might have happened to him at basic. They were dealing with grenades. Not real ones thank god, but I fear he could have got injured and spent some time in the infirmary and missed his call time. I might sound crazy right now, but the truth of the matter is, I really want to hear his voice to make sure he’s okay. He’s my other half. I’m used to everytime I’m stressing out, he brings me right back down to earth. He’s the only one who has ever been able to do that. Weird how it works out that way. I miss him so much. I wish I was able to be stress free and worry free and anxiety free for once. I’m always overthinking and it takes a load on me. I have been feeling “depressed” since he left. I’ll have cheerful modes, but they are quickly overrun with anxiety and worry. I try distractions, but these thoughts are too loud.